H withdrawing, W exhausted

[MEmomMA77]

We have been married for 7 1/2 years and have two kids (3yr old and 10 month old). Things had always been great between us and we truly believed at one point that we were soulmates. Since having the second child H has been withdrawing. He always had a strong work ethic but is pretty much a workaholic now. He leaves for work at 5:30AM and doesn't return until about 6pm in the summer and 5ish in the winter. Once he gets home he does a myriad of things to keep from having to spend time with the kids until their bedtime when he does help get htem ready and puts the oldest to bed. On weekends he does everything in his power to stay out of the house of otherwise occupied ie. football games are not to be disturbed, reading the newspaper, some household project that makes him inaccessible, errands and whatever else. I recently got out of him that he doesn't like being with both children and only wants to spend time with our 3yr old daughter. Basically he doesn't like taking care of our son. He has become very critical of me lately and criticizes the way I keep the house or what things I didn't get done during the day. (oh, I forgot to mention that I am a stay at home mom) I am really starting to resent him for all this as I never get any breaks. My family is over an hour away and I really don't trust anyone else to take care of my kids besides my mother. I guess I am burnt out. I asked my husband what would happen if I got sick or worse died. He said he would hire someone to take care of the kids. We don't talk much anymore and I swear he is becoming his father!!! Not sure what to do. I don't feel like having sex with him as I resent all the criticism. I don't think I am in love with him right now.

[whichwayisup]

To help you through this, please start talking to friends and neighbours to get you a babysitter!! You need a break! Get to know her and spend time with her, with the kids so all of you can like and trust her - Then take advantage of the extra pair of hands to help out or for you to GET OUT and have time for you.

 

As for your husband, what is it about your son (his son) that he is having issues with? It's just abit odd that he's feeling this way...And it's not something that is natural...Something has happened to make him feel this way. I certainly hope he's loving and affectionate with his son because kids aren't stupid either.

 

He has to BE a present father, not just show up when he feels like it.

 

Could he be having a mid-life crisis? Depressed? Something has changed in him and it's affecting everything. You two also need some alone time to bond, be intimate. Start talking to him, ask him what is going on inside him...

[Moose]

Sounds like to me that he's in a rut of sorts. I really don't think it's anything to be too concerned about. These things happen to us men faced with the reality that we're having to get into the famiy, "groove" of things.

 

Your family is growing and that perhaps is slapping him in the face and he's withdrawing. He's also concerned about his family's future. (working long hours, taken care of house projects). These are all scary things to us men, even the full grown ones....

I recently got out of him that he doesn't like being with both children and only wants to spend time with our 3yr old daughter.

Less maintenance in a 3 year old compared to the 10 month old. I, (in my sick way), can appreciate his honesty. While at the same time, he really does need to pitch in. I couldn't stand changing the diapers or feedings.....but I did so enjoy holding them and rocking them to sleep. He could at least do this!!!

He has become very critical of me lately and criticizes the way I keep the house or what things I didn't get done during the day. (oh, I forgot to mention that I am a stay at home mom) I am really starting to resent him for all this as I never get any breaks.

Well, you shouldn't. In his mind he's doing what's expected of him. (notice I said HIS mind).....your resentment will cause nothing but anger from him.

 

As a stay at home mom, you have it in your power to schedule routines in such a manner that you should be well rested and everything should be proper. ANYONE can argue with me on that, it simply won't do any good.....

 

I know for a fact that you DO need some time away, whether it be alone, or with your husband. One thing I've done is put into place 4 trips a years to the day spa, (overnite), for my wife just because I know she NEEDS it!!

 

However, when you are home, it's your duty to make sure the place is up to snuff. If he says it isn't, it just isn't. Take his critism, and build on it. Then he won't have anything to complain about.

We don't talk much anymore and I swear he is becoming his father!!! Not sure what to do. I don't feel like having sex with him as I resent all the criticism. I don't think I am in love with him right now.

What you do is schedule a date and time where you two are alone and have each other's attention. Then you work this out. Communication is key to your relationship. "Knee to knee you to me", is what you guys need right now.

 

Like I said at the beginning, you do love him, you wouldn't be bothered by this if you didn't.....

 

Talk to him, have some patience....it will work out!!

[MEmomMA77]

He does love his kids, he just doesn't have the patience to tolerate being with both of them at the same time. He is affectionate with them as well. All my friends are over an hour away. I really feel closed off and that there isn't anyone I can truly relate to. My best friend is single and childless. My other closest friend is the wife of my husbands closest friend and therefore I know things would be passed along KWIM.

 

Maybe a mid-life crisis.. I know he feels pressure to support this family of four on his income and it is important to him to have some of the little luxuries in life (his goal is to buy me a mercedes) I don't care for those things and do not pressure him to make more money.

[whichwayisup]

However, when you are home, it's your duty to make sure the place is up to snuff. If he says it isn't, it just isn't. Take his critism, and build on it. Then he won't have anything to complain about.

 

Unless he's nitpicky and expects the place to look clean and organized 24/7. Just because HE says it isn't, doesn't mean that it isn't -

 

I understand that he works, pays the bills, but at the sametime there's NOTHING wrong with him doing afew dishes, or putting away laundry or offering to DO something nice for his wife, especially seeing as she doesn't get ANY time to herself.

[MEmomMA77]

The kids are very well behaved and on routines. I take GREAT care of my kids as they are my top priority the house takes second to the well being of my chidren. Granted I have never been the neatest person in the world I will admit to that. But I have been that way for the past 9 years that we have been together. Why is this coming out now?! He nitpicks on everything.

[MEmomMA77]

oh he does help around the house. He cooks dinner everynight... he will do anything to get out of spending time with the kids! That's the problem. I would rather him play with the kids while I get some cleaning done.

[Mr. Lucky]

Most everything you describe are "symptoms" (staying away from home, avoiding contact, nit picking, withdrawal, etc.) of a bigger, underlying problem. I know you asked for feedback, but what do YOU think the main issue for him is?

 

Mr. Lucky

[tommyr]

H withdrawing, W exhausted... sounds so much like our house.. is that really you, dear wife?

 

Here is my side (H) of this equation: while I do "love" my kids I just dont know what to do with them! Really! My own interest have always been pretty active / outdoors type stuff, including alot of stuff with me and the wife, but young kids just dont fit into that picture very well. Making things even worse is the fact my W is completely into the MOM thing, spending every last ounce of her energy on the kids.

 

To (selfish/childish) me, this all is a major change from our married-no-kids days. Back then we had alot of free time, energy, disposable income, and all of dear W love and attention was directed towards ME. I know its immature of me but this new way of life (parenthood) is just a SERIOUS adjustment, and 6 years into it, I still struggle with it.

 

Friends tell me the kids will grow up into my "world" soon enough, and I do hope that happens. Meanwhile, our marriage was suffering, I was miserable, low sex and not even much love between us, wife gaining alot of weight, me working long hours, etc.

 

Here is what I have done:

Talked with ALOT of married friends, some older with older kids.

Recognized that WE NEED HELP in the form of childcare. W is stay-at-home mom, but our kids now go to aftershool care 2X/week giving W several free hours to relax/whatever.

Try to change my attitude: just for today I can try to have fun w kids

 

The childcare especially is helping!!! W seems alot happier, even sex is coming back.

Good luck

[MEmomMA77]

Mr Lucky - I don't know what it is for sure. Maybe it is some mid-life crisis. Maybe he is putting too much pressure on himself. We have a good life, nice house, two good cars, perfect lawn, etc. He seems to want more.

 

tommyr - I think you've hit the nail on the head! We used to go canoeing, skiing, hiking, camping and we can't exactly do that anymore well at least not at the moment. I do focus all my energy on the kids. I don't believe in daycare at the moment. I still feel that my son is too young. Daughter started nursery school in the fall for 2 1/2 hours two days a week. Doesn't really help much by the time I get home put son down for his nap, cleanup from breakfast, it's about time to wake son up to pick up daughter!

 

I know he has said in the past that he just doesn't know what to do with a baby. Now that ddaughter is older they play catch together alot.

 

Am I deranged? Should I shut up? All I want if for Hubby to play more so that I can clean. I don't even need the special time for spa treatments (although I wouldn't shoot it down if the oppurtunity presented itself!)

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr Lucky - I don't know what it is for sure. Maybe it is some mid-life crisis. Maybe he is putting too much pressure on himself. We have a good life, nice house, two good cars, perfect lawn, etc. He seems to want more.

What if the "more" he wanted was more from you? As busy as you sound (and having 4 kids, I feel for the effort involved), are you capable (or interested) in giving more?

 

Mr. Lucky