NC Purpose - open question

[oyster]

Hello everyone,

 

Let's hear it.

1-What is the purpose of NC when you used it

2-How long was the NC for

3-How many NC period did you have and why?

 

My story, I am the Other Man, and the MW wanted 31 days of NC for her to figure out what she wants and give her Husband a 2nd chance without me in the picture.

 

So far this is the 1st NC for me

[frannie]

I've just sort of answered this on another thread... I'll come back when some other people have responded and there's a bit of a debate going on

[Chapter2]

1: The intent of NC was different for me at different times. At base, I didn't want to be an "OW" and never did want to be that. That kind of pain had to stop for me because it was affecting every area of my life and every person in my life. He was becoming the catalyst for complete destruction of me and the people around me. Making the choice to believe his lies was paramount to swallowing a big fat bomb.

 

2: Longest NC was 100 days. I am now on day 91 of the latest NC in another state with all my phone numbers changed. He does have one avenue to reach me which he will NEVER use. His pride won't let him. This, by the way, is his third time to "work" on his marriage with a woman that is aware of six instances of infidelity since their wedding day.

 

3: Four tiny NC's instigated by me, all broken initially by him. One NC intigated by him, broken by him at which time I was thrilled (insane) to have him back. Final NC still intact.

 

NC sucks. There's just no way around it. Being second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth sucks worse. OW/OM don't just come after the spouse, they come after the job, the kids, the animals, the holidays, the date nights and a host of other really important things.

 

Hello everyone,

 

Let's hear it.

1-What is the purpose of NC when you used it

2-How long was the NC for

3-How many NC period did you have and why?

 

My story, I am the Other Man, and the MW wanted 31 days of NC for her to figure out what she wants and give her Husband a 2nd chance without me in the picture.

 

So far this is the 1st NC for me

[BenThereDunThat]

I am going into my 9th week of NC - no easy feat when you work in the same dept.! I initiated it because I couldn't take feeling like a fool anymore. We tried to be "just friends," but that benefited him more than it did me.

 

He was still lying, manipulating, etc. My anger is finally subsiding, and my hatred not as strong, but like Chapter2 said, having him in my life was just personally destructive.

 

It wasn't so he would realize what he was missing and come running after me - I knew that would never happen.

 

We've crossed paths around 5 times today alone. I don't even look at him.

 

He put a bag of Christmas cookies on my desk yesterday - he made some for everyone, did it last year too. My first instinct was to throw them away. Instead, I got them back out of the trash and gave them to the person who sits next to me.

 

Tomorrow night is the Holiday Party - a year since the whole "friendship" started. I'm looking forward to making it through the night being just as strong as ever. Then I will know that I've come full circle.

 

Sorry, got off of your original question. Just rambling now!

[bonehead]

Hello everyone,

 

Let's hear it.

1-What is the purpose of NC when you used it

2-How long was the NC for

3-How many NC period did you have and why?

 

My story, I am the Other Man, and the MW wanted 31 days of NC for her to figure out what she wants and give her Husband a 2nd chance without me in the picture.

 

So far this is the 1st NC for me

 

Hey oyster

 

I think if you read most the stories on here you will see that NC is normally used to break a relationship. Its not a " break to see " type thing.

 

NC for the most part is used by the OP to get away from the MP due to the pain the relationship is causeing. So by its nature there isnt a " time line ". Its meant to be permenant. Its meant to get the person out of your life and out of your system.

[oyster]

Hey oyster

 

I think if you read most the stories on here you will see that NC is normally used to break a relationship. Its not a " break to see " type thing.

 

NC for the most part is used by the OP to get away from the MP due to the pain the relationship is causeing. So by its nature there isnt a " time line ". Its meant to be permenant. Its meant to get the person out of your life and out of your system.

 

that is why I started this thread. The NC I am in was asked by the MW, so I am trying to understand if she wants to say goodbye forever or she is keeping me on as a safety net while she sees what it is with her husband for 31 days without me in the picture.

[oyster]

I am going into my 9th week of NC - no easy feat when you work in the same dept.!

Sorry, got off of your original question. Just rambling now!

 

no problem with the rambling, the more we share our experience, the deeper the understand of our own situation.

 

Romance within same company, hum......very hard

 

I was close friend with this girl at work for 2-3years then one day I decided to evolve the relationship. That went south. We haved talked for 1.5 years after. I bump into her for meetings, just a polite hello.

[oyster]

NC sucks. There's just no way around it. Being second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth sucks worse. OW/OM don't just come after the spouse, they come after the job, the kids, the animals, the holidays, the date nights and a host of other really important things.

 

it took me while to realize that my schedule revolve around the H of the MW. I was debating to initiate the NC myself.

[EnigmaXOXO]

"No Contact" (for me) is just like cold turkey. The quickest and least painful way to withdrawal from any addiction (including unhealthy relationship addictions) is to remove yourself as far away as you can from the temptation. Cutting back, or weaning yourself off gradually, rarely works if the object of your obsession is within easy reach. You'll just want more and more…and then you'll be right back where you started from.

 

Wouldn't it be nice if they'd invent "the patch" for relationship junkies?

 

I think at some point in our lives we have all had to suffer through the love withdrawals no matter what our individual situations. Unrequited love is a bitter pill to swallow … and it's something many of us can relate to, regardless of who you found yourself hopelessly addicted to.

[NoIDidn't]

I speak from distant experience, not as a current OW/OM. But here is my 2 cents.

 

NC for me is a way to emotionally distance myself from a situation and let logic and rational thinking take over. Most people in intense relationships are on an emotional rollercoaster of sorts, and NC just gives them time to take away the emotional charge and evaluate the situation based on its merits apart from the emotion involved.

 

That said, I wouldn't use NC to break a relationship. But I would use it to determine if I needed it in my life as it stood on its own merits. JMHO.

[oyster]

 

NC for me is a way to emotionally distance myself from a situation and let logic and rational thinking take over. Most people in intense relationships are on an emotional rollercoaster of sorts, and NC just gives them time to take away the emotional charge and evaluate the situation based on its merits apart from the emotion involved.

 

thanks, I never saw it from this perspective. Very rare as most people just try to move on with using NC.

[bonehead]

thanks, I never saw it from this perspective. Very rare as most people just try to move on with using NC.

 

It clears the mud between the ears. lol

 

Takes a step back and HOPEFULLY lets logic take over for the emotions.

[ratingsguy]

The NC I am in was asked by the MW, so I am trying to understand if she wants to say goodbye forever or she is keeping me on as a safety net while she sees what it is with her husband for 31 days without me in the picture.

 

Hey oyster, I thought it was you who asked for the NC... am I wrong? I thought you told her there were 7 things you needed from her after the 31 days were up or you were out.

 

NC sucks, but I can see the purpose of it. I had a girlfriend once who broke up with me, but wanted to remain friends. After I told her that I wanted a few months of NC to get my head back together, she got all pissed off... told me I was copping out on her... whatever that meant. Well almost 2 years passed before we started talking again (initiated by me). I have no feelings left for her, but I'm too nice a guy to cut someone out of my life entirely... although with her, most people would have. Point being, after about 5 or 6 months of NC, I was back to normal. It was a long and painful process, but in retrospect it really did help.

[oyster]

Hey oyster, I thought it was you who asked for the NC... am I wrong? I thought you told her there were 7 things you needed from her after the 31 days were up or you were out.

 

Well she asked for the NC, she said she needs to figure things out. During our conversation, I told her about the 7 things and most important is that if she chooses to divorce is because she sees no future with her Husband and they can't continue living like that. Reminded her NOT to divorce because of me.

 

NC sucks, but I can see the purpose of it. I had a girlfriend once who broke up with me, but wanted to remain friends. After I told her that I wanted a few months of NC to get my head back together, she got all pissed off... told me I was copping out on her... whatever that meant. Well almost 2 years passed before we started talking again (initiated by me). I have no feelings left for her, but I'm too nice a guy to cut someone out of my life entirely... although with her, most people would have. Point being, after about 5 or 6 months of NC, I was back to normal. It was a long and painful process, but in retrospect it really did help.

 

may be she is trying to try it out with her Husband and try to forget about me, may be that is the real reason she wanted the NC

[oyster]

Ok so I've been good, not calling, trying not to think to much. She's been calling me a few times but good thing is I leave my phone in my jacket these days so I missed all her calls.

 

I realized after the fact that this time she will have to wait till the agreed date in 31 days to discuss things.

 

No more yo-yo indecision and she can't hurt me more with lies if I maintain NC.

 

NC times seems to bring more clarity to her than me.

[puddleofmud]

You are the one who is maintaining the trust about which you both agreed.

Hopefully at some point that will matter, as it certainly should!

If not to her but at the very least to YOU most of all!

Blessings to you!

[BenThereDunThat]

No more yo-yo indecision and she can't hurt me more with lies if I maintain NC.

 

NC times seems to bring more clarity to her than me.

 

That to me has been one of the best benefits of the NC - he can no longer lie to me and I can no longer feel my stomach lurch everytime he does.

 

And I think it's you who is getting more clarity!

 

Good for you for keeping your phone in your jacket. That takes a lot of strength.

 

I have to admit, I have it fairly easy. He doesn't try to contact me. Only thing I have to deal with are the stare-downs. If he kept trying to call or write, I'd ignore for a while, then I'd probably pick the phone up and start a screaming match. Which would just be opening a line of communication.

 

That line needs to stay completely closed.

[ratingsguy]

She's been calling me a few times but good thing is I leave my phone in my jacket these days so I missed all her calls.

 

Good job, bro! I know it's tough and you want to answer those calls, but just keep in mind that by not answering them you are showing her how serious you are about this. She's getting the message!

[Guest]

my 2 cents

 

i was in a 4 year relationship that ended poorly. She ended it and went NC. Why she did I do not know but I believe it was a way for her to get some distance from the constant drama, and find herself again. For me, it has turned into a tool that I first neglected then started using first to displace constant emotional crisise and to let rational thinking return. NC has allowed me to focus on events that occurred, given me clarity to see what was needed and determination to follow thru.

 

And I believe that is one of the reasons she did that because while we may never be together again she new that NC would get me back on track, return to the MAN i was, only with a better understanding of what a healthy relationship is all about. As for how long I have been in NC? Time is not important to me, using that time wisely until u feel u are no longer in NC is important. This is where i am now.

[frannie]

Ok so I've been good, not calling, trying not to think to much. She's been calling me a few times but good thing is I leave my phone in my jacket these days so I missed all her calls.

 

I realized after the fact that this time she will have to wait till the agreed date in 31 days to discuss things.

 

No more yo-yo indecision and she can't hurt me more with lies if I maintain NC.

 

NC times seems to bring more clarity to her than me.

 

Hm. She asked for NC, but she's doing the calling..? That's pretty annoying behaviour on her part. Seems to me she likes to have things on her terms

[Guest]

I think that NC is used by OW to also put a temporary halt on things because if the OW is still embroiled in meetings/contact the MM has control over her.

 

He knows that it will be difficult for the OW to move on with her life whilst the MM is in the background.

 

From the OW's perspective, the NC achieves two things. 1) By going NC the MM sees that she is serious about not being the OW for any longer and 2) she may decide that she in fact does not want any relationship any longer.

 

The trouble is that there are no guarantees about anything in life--except death and what will be will be.

The OW does not know how the MM is going to react if indeed he reacts atal.

 

However if she continues to be his side dish and that is ALL that we are, then he has no incentive to alter the status quo.

I think that NC is better than dishing out ultimatums because if you give a time limit, the MM has adate to work towards and come out with more BullS.

 

If you go NC it should be a jolt to him and you then become a bit mysterious and he doesn't know what is going on in your life and how long you might be waiting from him to contact you. You then become in control and he has no safety net.

 

However you have to be strong because he may get in touch and start pleading for more of your time and understanding and you just have to say "NO" and if necessary change your phone numbers. Make him work harder than he has been doing. If he knows your address then he can come round and put a note/letter through your door if he wants to resume contact.

 

I have decided to go NC beacuse I am sick of playing second fiddle and he has also been treating me more inconsiderately lately, making me think that he wants out too but is too cowardedly to say it.

 

He recently broke a date on the Saturday and I waited in all day--nothing. It wasn't until the following Wed. that he phoned and rather than apologising he said that he had been ill and had got off his sick bed to make contact--however he was not sick enough for a doctor to be called to his house. It is rubbish.

 

He ended up making ME feel grateful that he had called! He has a cell phone and he should have called me on the Saturday at some stage to say he couldn't show. But no, he has scant regard for me and knows that I will be worried/wondering, and in his sick mind he thinks that will keep me hooked.

 

He has never given me his cell phone number so I cannot get in touch with him and I would never phone his home land line. He controls if/when he phones and always has an answer. I felt humiliated by his action hence the NC.

[oyster]

Hm. She asked for NC, but she's doing the calling..? That's pretty annoying behaviour on her part. Seems to me she likes to have things on her terms

 

 

I picked up the phone at the office and spoke to her briefly:sick:

 

I agree that she wants things on her terms and she has been using the oldest trick in the woman's book. She left stuff in the car and at my place.

 

She called wanting a book back (guess was a reason). Then she start telling crazy stories that I lied to her.

 

I am single, never married, no kids and speak French for the facts here.

 

She starts telling stories that a woman called her 3-4 times last night, proclaiming to be my wife, spoke with a French accent, told her to stop having an A with me and she should feel guilty of breaking up a home with kids.

 

ya.....crazy stories, either she is making those up or got brainwashed by her husband.

 

Either way, I told her I am not married, have no girlfriend and wife. Asked her to stop talking non sense or I would hang up.

 

Guess what happened? I abruptly hung up.

 

So far, she has not called back.

[frannie]

A married woman you have been having an affair with, asked for NC for a month to sort out her situation? During that month, she calls you to ask for a book back (???)... and then accuses you of having a wife and children?

 

Hm. Sounds like fun and games in your life, then... is she 'ok'..?

[oyster]

A married woman you have been having an affair with, asked for NC for a month to sort out her situation? During that month, she calls you to ask for a book back (???)... and then accuses you of having a wife and children?

 

Hm. Sounds like fun and games in your life, then... is she 'ok'..?

 

well good stories at the pub for my buddys haha.

 

dunno if she has lost her sanity or not. Does not matter, I am in NC but always pick up my phone (if I am not sick or left it somewhere else)

 

if she does say that she is signing seperation paper, I just hang up. Simple.

 

I am starting to date other woman now so it is her lost. Does not matter who cooked up those stories. They deserve each other misery and not the happyness I can bring to her.

[bonehead]

I picked up the phone at the office and spoke to her briefly:sick:

 

I agree that she wants things on her terms and she has been using the oldest trick in the woman's book. She left stuff in the car and at my place.

 

She called wanting a book back (guess was a reason). Then she start telling crazy stories that I lied to her.

 

I am single, never married, no kids and speak French for the facts here.

 

She starts telling stories that a woman called her 3-4 times last night, proclaiming to be my wife, spoke with a French accent, told her to stop having an A with me and she should feel guilty of breaking up a home with kids.

 

ya.....crazy stories, either she is making those up or got brainwashed by her husband.

 

Either way, I told her I am not married, have no girlfriend and wife. Asked her to stop talking non sense or I would hang up.

 

Guess what happened? I abruptly hung up.

 

So far, she has not called back.

 

A click is a powerful sound........

 

I would find everything that she might have left behind, pack it up and find someone who can drop it iff to her.