Complicated Situation...

[txcowgirlmommy]

Ok, I dated this guy starting around late june 05...we dated for about 2 months, but for me something just wasn't right so I ended things. In october i found out I was pregnant. He wanted to get married when I told him. I wasn't ready for that and so I told him no and that we could be friends and see where things went...he wasn't into that idea. he quit talking to me. I emailed him everytime i went to the dr. to let him know what happened...no response. Until January anyway. He emailed me back and and said all sorts of horrible things like he didn't believe it was his, ect. After that he wouldn't return my calls, emails or anything else. This went on even after my son was born. Well about a month ago I was in his neighborhood and so i called him, begging him to meet me somewhere so he could see his son. Surprisingly he called me back less than 5 mins later. Come to find out he had moved and bought a house elsewhere. Well we talked for over an hour and there was no fighting or anything. We've gone out a couple times since then and we talk on the phone everyday. All this time I've done alot of thinking and I've kicked myself for not marrying him when he gave me the chance. Now he wants to date for a long time and take things really slow before we get married. The thing that's making all this complicated is that about 4 months ago i hired an attorney and we have a court date this thursday for child support. Here's my problem....I've talked to him about our son and I moving in with him and he doesn't think it's a good idea right now. What can I do to convince him to let us move in with him so we can spend more time together ( he lives almost 2 hours from me now)?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

[tikigods]

Right now you should just be happy that he is talking to you. You need to take it slow, and make sure that you go through with getting child support, you can't make him let you move in together, and forcing the subject on him won't have the best of outcomes from what it sounds like. Get to know eachother a little since it sounds like you never really got a chance in the first place.

[Movin_on]

I can't give you any advice about how to convince him to let you move in with him...sorry, but I think that would be a huge mistake if you want this relationship to last! I think he's absolutely right to want to take it slow ane I encourage you to do whatever you can to get rid of the idea of convincing him to do anything. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you had to maneuver/manipulate/trick in to it? (please say no )

 

Loving someone isn't about what you want...it's about what they need! If he says that he wants to take it slow, you need to respect that he has a reason that's important to him. You may not understand or even agree with his reasons, but loving him involves considering his feelings before your own (I'm not suggesting that you ignore your own needs).

 

More than anything else, your son needs a secure and loving home...and you can't build a secure foundation for your home if BOTH people aren't committed to making it work. I urge you to focus on the family that already exists...you and your son. Get busy and channel your efforts toward creating a happy and complete home for you and your child.

 

I'm a single mom too and I'm speaking from experience here...if you sincerely focus on you and your son, you won't have much time to worry about your relationship with your ex. I certainly haven't had the time to devote to a live in relationship since my son was born (school, work, little league, karate classes, going to the library, teaching him about the world...loving him).

 

...and I think you might be pleasantly surprised at the reaction of your ex. I know you want to spend more time together...but it needs to work both ways. Let him know that you accept the idea of taking it slow...keep involving him in you and your son's life, but do it in a no pressure sort of way. For example, you might call and say you're taking your son to the zoo, a ball game, etc...invite him to come along if he's interested...and if he doesn't come, you continue through with the plan and then tell him all about it the next time you talk to him. Let him see you building a life for yourself and his son without him...and make it clear that he's always welcome to be a part of it...within a few months, I'd be willing to put money on him coming to you and asking you to move in with him or just go ahead and get married!

 

He's a man honey!...dogs the lot of them ...if you chase them, they run, if you ignore them, they bounce all over the place trying to get your attention, and if you run, they chase YOU! If you get on with your life, he'll be much more likely to pursue you...and then you won't need to convince him of anything...he'll decide all on his own that he wants to be a part of the the family you've created! ...and you'll have a much stronger relationship because both of you chose each other entirely of your own free will!

 

Good luck darlin (I'm a TX gal too)...please at least think about taking my advice on this one.

[Guest]

can u tell us more? does the father help

[Guest]

was that really a reply to when included it in a post - i was joking

i already knew the answer would be no

mine had been yes

when u needed me

but u don't need me now

i understand

but a pregnancy

is that real

u had a baby

[Guest]

this is what i love about this site

reading how rules and what is now right

how when situations change

people do to

I'm not amazed

and neither are u

but i don't think

u ever stopped

to really look

at how you've changed

and that's not

this is who u are

i guess u call it growth

sounds like government

strict and never bends

that why i kept your voice

inside me

thats why when your list

came tumbling out

and i was so happy

to finally see that u let me

see what there

it didn't last long

it only took one or two words

a comment not against

but comfort and care and understand

then once again

u are not there

pretty sad eh

this is my job

the only thing

that i do

what else is there

right now

people close their doors

too busy now

i understand

[umbo]

something just wasn't right so I ended things

 

 

So you ended the relationship but did not end the pregnacy. And now you think you deserve his love and most important his money. He respected your wishes to end the relationship on your wimsical feelings but now since you see he has a house is doing well your wimsical feelings tell you to get a lawyer and purse child support because he won't let you move in with him. YOu decided to carry your baby to term you decided not to marry him you decided to just be friends with him. All your decisions were wrong!!! Why can't you work out an agreement with him for finacial assistance he sounds like a reasonable young man? Both of you are still talking going out keep that relationship developing. He does not deserve to go before any court system accounting for his actions when they were nothing but honorable. I know everybody says get child support but he seems like he will work out some kind of arrangement with you. Please take this good advice I hope it works out well good luck don't have sex untill you are married.

[silentalways]

so who is the father

i always get lost when we don't use names

 

would u like to talk msn?

well if this is c

and in 05

u and i would be dating

but u gave start date

that is not ours

we our 04

so u had an affair?

[Guest]

He is a rebund relationship. A rebound from a verbal abuser. Meeting him was my "way out" of that previous relationship. Now I am stuck. The lease on this apartment is renewed, I have a good job here, so I can't go live with my parents where there really arent any good jobs in that area. I wish I could just set him straight somehow.

 

Prove to him that he cant take advantage of me, or take me for granted. You see, he thinks that I will stick around no matter what. And thats a problem. Even if he did realize these things and change, its probably too late.

 

Unfortunately, it looks like you may have just gone from one verbal abuser to another. You are not "stuck". Also, please don't look for a relationship, or parents, to be your "way out". If you have a good job, can you afford to get an apartment by yourself and break the lease/ whatever you have to do?

 

He shouldn't take you for granted, and should grow up in terms of the way he reacts to "bad days". You can't make him change. You can give him an ultimatum and see what he does... you never know... but don't expect much. Perfect boyfriends may not exist, but they can sure get a lot better than that.