No sure what happening here help me

[Ed]

I have been friends with this woman for 3 years now. We are very close. She tells me we are more then just friends. At time she kisses and hugs me, holds my hand. And tells me she loves me. She knows that I love her and would marry her

 

if I had the chance. But she is in a relationship and engaged. She tells me that we are closer and have an emotional bond that she dont have with her boyfriend. She tells me that I suport her needs and her better then he does. She has left him for the weekend and has gone camping with me. She has moved out on him and moved in with me, only to move back again. Last week he went camping and she called me and asked me to go out to dinner with her, her treat. We had fun and went out for a few drinks. Came home

 

to her house and danced to some music. She started to hug and kiss me. Then she said she wanted to go to sleep. She asked if I would stay, so I did. She put down a sleeping bag in front of the fireplace and said I could sleep here, then she got some pillows and layed down next to me. We got

 

up in the morning holding each other (NO SEX) We talked all

 

day and went out for dinner again the same thing happened.

 

Her boy friend came home she started dinner for them and a fight broke out she called me to come and get her. When I got their she was knocking and throwing lamps at him, bottles and knocking over the table. She came up to me and said he dont suport me emotionaly, and just fell apart and cryed. She told me that their is no such thing as love. Then she said that she only loves her daughter and me. She moved in with me again only to go back the nexted day. I dont know what all this means? Help.......

[Cici]

Sometimes, when a person is going through a difficult time, they tend to lean on others to help them through those difficult times. But as soon as the difficulties end, there is no longer a need for that crutch. So the crutch is abandonded, only to be picked up again upon continued suffering.

 

This is a form of emotional abuse...when a perosn manipulates you and uses you as a sort of weapon to hurt the person they are in an unhealthy relationship with. Your description of her, where she constantly claims to go unsupported and unloved by her partner while remaining with him, is a good description of a codependent relationship. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do for her. But it is unhealthy for you to continue catering to her whims while she wavers between her finace and you.

 

It is a difficult thing to realize...especially when her behavior has acaused you to form an emotional bond with her. But she needs torecognize that this behavior is unhealthy before she can make a healthy relationship decision.

 

Try talking to her about her behavior. relate exacty what you've observed and explain that she is confusing you. DO NOT give her an ultimatum...that would be negative. Perhaps if you simply reflect her behavior back to her she can see how torn she is making you feel. You should also mention that her obvious commitment to someone else leads you to think that she is simply using you for emotional support. You need to stop the holding hands and kissing and sleeping over at her house. That definately crosses boundaries that need to remain intact in a healthy male-female friendship.

 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

I have been friends with this woman for 3 years now. We are very close. She tells me we are more then just friends. At time she kisses and hugs me, holds my hand. And tells me she loves me. She knows that I love her and would marry her if I had the chance. But she is in a relationship and engaged. She tells me that we are closer and have an emotional bond that she dont have with her boyfriend. She tells me that I suport her needs and her better then he does. She has left him for the weekend and has gone camping with me. She has moved out on him and moved in with me, only to move back again. Last week he went camping and she called me and asked me to go out to dinner with her, her treat. We had fun and went out for a few drinks. Came home to her house and danced to some music. She started to hug and kiss me. Then she said she wanted to go to sleep. She asked if I would stay, so I did. She put down a sleeping bag in front of the fireplace and said I could sleep here, then she got some pillows and layed down next to me. We got up in the morning holding each other (NO SEX) We talked all day and went out for dinner again the same thing happened. Her boy friend came home she started dinner for them and a fight broke out she called me to come and get her. When I got their she was knocking and throwing lamps at him, bottles and knocking over the table. She came up to me and said he dont suport me emotionaly, and just fell apart and cryed. She told me that their is no such thing as love. Then she said that she only loves her daughter and me. She moved in with me again only to go back the nexted day. I dont know what all this means? Help.......

[Ed]

Even when things are good in thier relationship she calls me and sees me. It is not a one way friendship. It is hard for her to get out because she has two children that she will need to up root. SHe has no job because he wont let her work. She has no money. And she has lost all her friends. He has tried everything to break up our friendship. She even hides that fact that we talk or see each other, so as not to get him mad. Each and every time she tries to move out he sweet talks her into giving it one more try...

Sometimes, when a person is going through a difficult time, they tend to lean on others to help them through those difficult times. But as soon as the difficulties end, there is no longer a need for that crutch. So the crutch is abandonded, only to be picked up again upon continued suffering.

 

This is a form of emotional abuse...when a perosn manipulates you and uses you as a sort of weapon to hurt the person they are in an unhealthy relationship with. Your description of her, where she constantly claims to go unsupported and unloved by her partner while remaining with him, is a good description of a codependent relationship. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do for her. But it is unhealthy for you to continue catering to her whims while she wavers between her finace and you. It is a difficult thing to realize...especially when her behavior has acaused you to form an emotional bond with her. But she needs torecognize that this behavior is unhealthy before she can make a healthy relationship decision. Try talking to her about her behavior. relate exacty what you've observed and explain that she is confusing you. DO NOT give her an ultimatum...that would be negative. Perhaps if you simply reflect her behavior back to her she can see how torn she is making you feel. You should also mention that her obvious commitment to someone else leads you to think that she is simply using you for emotional support. You need to stop the holding hands and kissing and sleeping over at her house. That definately crosses boundaries that need to remain intact in a healthy male-female friendship.

 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

[Richie]

Are you going to waste your life by being a scape goat in their unhealthy relationship? What are you going to do for your life? Keep supporting her when she has problems? How long are you going to run the Free Hotel service?

 

If She doesn't have friends or money, that is her problem. She is not a kid to struggle to make stable decision. Her kids are not in a remote village of China to 'Uproot' and plant them in U.S. What kind love and attention the kids will get in their throwing-bottles relationship? Why should she worry about uprooting? Allow her in your house if she is ready to divorce him and marry you. Or She should learn to face him. She is not kid to come to Mom when Dad hits her and again go back to Dad when he gives Candies.

 

He manipulates her by his sweet words. In turn, she manipulates you by telling, "You are loving and supportive" and makes sure, you don't leave her. When their relationship goes bad, she comes to you for support and then she goes back .... How long this is going to happen in your life? Move on with your life. Life is too short to waste by being a Self-Sacrificer.

 

Take care,

 

Richie

[Cici]

I agree. I understand that it's painful to watch your friend do this to herself, but until she makes a decision on her own to be an active person in her life andnot be dragged around in an abusive relatioship, there's absolutely nothing you can do.

 

If your relationship is that close, continue being her friend, there to TALK TO, NOT hold hands and kiss and sleep over. When I was in trouble and stayed at my best friend's house, I slept in the bed, he slept on the couch. We have a very healthy friendship...kisses on the cheek on special occassions, no hand holding, no cuddling. That is strictly relationship stuff. He is there for me to talk to when I need an outlet. But I most certainly do not bring him between me and my boyfriend. That is not fair to him. And it's not fair to you.