well you tell me...

[Guest]

This post has like 50 tangents, only a few of them have to deal with infidelity, the others are my personal insecurity, as well as the security i feel in my relationship with my girlfriend...Here's the breakdown, I have dating my girlfriend for quite some time now, we met freshman year of college, and boy did I fall hard for her, She had just broken up with her boyfriend, so i was pretty aware that I might just be a rebound guy or maybe even worse, an interim boyfriend pretty soon I was led to believe this was not the case, our conversations consisted of our undying love for eachother and she kept commenting offhand about her ex being a jerk etc etc and saying how she would be content to be just friends because they had built a pretty meaningful friendship, although him "being a jerk" but also being a "good friend" doesn't seem to coincide I took it with a grain of salt and kept telling myself, well maybe they were good as friends and not as boyfriend/girlfriend...So I fed into this theory and let them hang out, but I was wondering why she would act strange in front of him when I was around and if she could avoid having us both somewhere simultaeneously, she would. "whatever" I thought, because her words were so convinvincing they washed away any doubts I had...Then she would tell me the reason she didnt like both of us hanging out was because he "wasnt ready" to see her with someone else...which roughly translated into "Im still with him, and you, and Im having sex with both of you" This shattered my pathetic little heart, those events coupled with leftover baggage from my ex left me emotionally crippled...Regardless I told her if she changed I'd take her back, and she claimed to have changed, so I took her back. Now...her ex and I spoke and he seemed to be at ease with us dating "He's just saying that" she would say and then get upset when she'd find out he saw us somewhere or I mentioned we were dating or whatever. To make a long story short, the same thing happened with another guy and I'm terribly upset, but she tells me that she needs me and to please stick by her no matter what, So i intend on doing so, I plead with her to tell this other guy (its not her ex anymore its some internet cyberguy) to **** off and she says she will, but never does anything concrete and blatant, like saying "I have a boyfriend who I plan on being faithful to" Is that too much to ask? I love her to death and I really want to be with her more than anything, ANYTHING, I mean, someone tell me she can change. I need to be reassured, We're on the verge of moving in together, I think us cohabitating will make things much easier...right? I dont know anything anymore. I just know that I love her and it just shatters me when I find out she's messing with someone else. It truly is the worst feeling in the world. There are times that are incredibly happy and then superlow points where I stop by after work and she's outside chatting it up with some other guy, then condemns me for being antisocial...What the hell am I supposed to do? this has my head spinning. If I said I loved her more than I have ever loved anybody I wouldn't be lying to you.

 

 

SUUEECIDE#..

[BeReal]

Hi,

 

I am a little confused about the internet cyber guy. Is this purely an online thing or has she met him in person? Some people don't consider online flirting etc. cheating. She cheated on you once and now you are suspicious of every guy she talks to (justifiably so). You no longer trust her.

 

I don't think getting back together with her ex necessarily means she is the cheating type but it's hard to tell without knowing her. If she has cheated on you twice, then it doesn't look good. You know what they say "once a cheater always a cheater".

 

I don't think moving in with her will make your problems go away. You cannot stand by her no matter what. You need to look out for yourself. Explain your feelings to her and make sure she understands. If she can't respect your feelings then you need to find someone else who will.

[quankanne]

going to keep it short and simple ... SHE'S USING YOU, DUDE! Somewhere on this forum, a female writer talked about putting more faith in a person's actions, rather than what they say. Maybe you should apply this to your relationship with this girl. If she cared about you, she wouldn't be stringing you along, nor would she be cheating on you. Nope, she's doing what she wants, purely to please herself.

 

Moving in together isn't going to solve anything. If she hasn't given up her cyber-beaux (why should she, she gets the attention she wants without the messiness of a real relationship) or otherwise made a commitment to you by cutting out the other guys, she isn't going to. You deserve better than to be driven to a desperate state by some little chicky who is looking out for herself.

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but maybe it'll cut through the fog of delusion you're surrounding yourself in. You can do better.

[Debster]

Throw her to the curb. You can't trust her, and with no trust, there is no relationship.

 

After what she did with her ex, she should be toeing the line and making sure she doesn't do anything else to hurt you, NOT going on the Internet to flirt.

 

Plus, if you suspect that she was sleeping with you and her ex at the same time, she's putting your health at risk.

 

Think about that. You may love her, but if you ask me, she doesn't deserve your love and doesn't seem to be acting as if she loves you in return.

[Ally Boo]

This sounds like how I was with my ex-boyfriend. For a year we broke up and made up. Cheated on me a few times, and then I thought he changed bc his words were so convincing...everyone told me he hadn't, but I cared so much about him that I didn't care, and figured my faith would get him out of it. Well, it didn't, and he cheated on me again in a way I could NEVER take him back. In a way, it hurt me more than anything, but on the other hand, I was releived that I wasn't wondering where he was every second, and wondering if the girl on the phone knew he had a girlfriend. (Or if the girl he cheated on me with last time saw the bear he gave me on his dresser that said I LOVE YOU."

You won't wise up until she hurts you to the point where it will never be the same. Just stick around, and it will happen...be it sleeping with your best friend, relative, neighbor, etc. And not only is it embarassing, but its something that you should never have to go through.

The fact is, she doesn't love you. And the only reason she is with you is probably bc she knows you really DO love her...and that could benefit her in the future. I'm sure she has no intentions of moving in, otherwise she wouldn't be pushing you away, and wanting "privacy and trust."

Right now you probably think that its going to hurt more than anything to bnreak up with her...mine practically stalked me every time we broke up, but you'll find that a mountain has been lifted off your shoulders....and you'll be driving down the road one day and realize "OMG I'm actually happy!" It will totally freak you out...but in a good way.

I didn't believe it til now, but I believe Once a Cheater, Always a cheater....(in most cases) and here's why. A person who cheats wants stability of a relationship, but that's not enough for them. They don't love themselves, and will seek outside attention to make them feel more special. You raised her level of esteem that her ex didn't fill up, then you weren't enough, and now NEITHER of you are enough. This will keep going, until she gets help to work on herself. Its sad that sometimes the innocent ones get the worst end of the deal, but just remember one day she'll love you...and realize she made the biggest mistake of her life...and won't repeat it the next time around (That is IF she EVER figures it out...which could take years).

My prayers are with you bc I know how hard it is...