Gifts? Do I or Dont I

[yousaveme]

I really didnt mean anything like that at all when I got these. I certainly didnt want everyone to get that impression. And I wasnt cheap , I either give a gift right or not at all. OMG. I really didnt think it was going to take this turn like it has.

 

I was too and it really does suck! We (my sisters and I) thought she had alot of nerve to do that and to top it off they were cheap! I still remember exactly what those gifts were and I still feel the same way now that I did then. She only did it to hit a nerve with my mom or to impress him. He was foolish for bringing them home to us. They weren't appreciated.

[peacelove]

That's what you get from the BS'. I'm sure you suspected this would happen?!

[Buttaflyy]

I really didnt mean anything like that at all when I got these. I certainly didnt want everyone to get that impression. And I wasnt cheap , I either give a gift right or not at all. OMG. I really didnt think it was going to take this turn like it has.

 

I'm not saying you bought them cheap gifts, I sorta got caught up in the memory . But I am telling you how they may feel about it and the impression that it may imply. Just giving you something to think about. Somethings are better left undone and IMO this is one of them.

 

My dad said they were from him but we knew better. We were much younger than your MM's teens.

 

Certainly do what you feel is best. I'm just saying that it could do more harm than you realize.

[Art_Critic]

I really didnt mean anything like that at all when I got these. I certainly didnt want everyone to get that impression. And I wasnt cheap , I either give a gift right or not at all. OMG. I really didnt think it was going to take this turn like it has.

 

I don't think we meant anything bad about it.... I was just speaking as someone who had received gifts from my Dads OW when I was a teen..

 

I felt manipulated when I found out where the gifts came from and the gifts lost their appeal.

 

I understand your track of thought about the gift giving and It is clear that you are not giving with any other intent other than good intent..

But there is a another side to the giving that isn't thought about much.. the kids side..

[yousaveme]

Just what I needed. I really didnt mean any harm.

 

That's what you get from the BS'. I'm sure you suspected this would happen?!

[Art_Critic]

That's what you get from the BS'. I'm sure you suspected this would happen?!

 

Lighten up.. this thread doesn't need bitterness

[Buttaflyy]

That's what you get from the BS'. I'm sure you suspected this would happen?!

 

Oh brother, are you referring to me? If so, get a hobby. You know nothing about me. The OP knows better actually (I probably should've ignored this) .

[yousaveme]

Thanks I have alot to think about. And talk about. I certain dont want any impression like that. I would rather them thinking i never thought about them during the holiday then them thinking i was using them or having their father lie to them.

[NoIDidn't]

Bad idea, for all the reasons listed above.

 

I too received gifts from my dad's MANY OW. And he didn't bother lying to me about where they came from, but still. I did not like the thought that I was a pawn of some sort.

 

No bitterness, just experience.

[yousaveme]

I'm getting ill. I cant wait for tonight

[noforgiveness]

Thanks I have alot to think about. And talk about. I certain dont want any impression like that. I would rather them thinking i never thought about them during the holiday then them thinking i was using them or having their father lie to them.

 

 

please don't take this the wrong way but do they even know you are in their dads life to think about them?

[yousaveme]

I really didnt mean anything bad.

I think I mentioned it already

 

 

please don't take this the wrong way but do they even know you are in their dads life to think about them?

[herenow]

Hi again. So I thought of another reason why I don't think you should give his kids gifts. They say that it's the thought of the gift that counts. If they don't know who the gift is from or is lead to believe that someone else picked it out, then the gift has no meaning.

 

I always thought is was tacky when a boss had an assistant pick out gifts for his wife and stuff like that. A gift should reflect the relationship that the giver has with the person the gift is for. He should pick out gifts for his kids himself. That way the gifts will be genuine and have meaning for both him and his kids. I hope I have explained this and it isn't confusing.

[Buttaflyy]

Hi again. So I thought of another reason why I don't think you should give his kids gifts. They say that it's the thought of the gift that counts. If they don't know who the gift is from or is lead to believe that someone else picked it out, then the gift has no meaning.

 

I always thought is was tacky when a boss had an assistant pick out gifts for his wife and stuff like that. A gift should reflect the relationship that the giver has with the person the gift is for. He should pick out gifts for his kids himself. That way the gifts will be genuine and have meaning for both him and his kids. I hope I have explained this and it isn't confusing.

 

This is part of how we knew my dad didn't buy the gifts. She didn't know us so she didn't know what we'd like. I don't think it would've mattered if she'd bought us the biggest item on our christmas list though.

[herenow]

Just wanted to add that I do know your intentions are good and you just wanted to do something nice for the kids.

 

You know the situation best, so as always do what you feel is right. You got some great advice on this thread and I hope it helped.

[yousaveme]

That i did cover. The gifts are things that tie into things they have gotten for bdays. And the big stuff they got for christmas. Ex: Daughter got an Ipod for Bday. She is into the Bling stuff, you know those crystals they put on the phones. ( she did the also ). Well, they have ear buds that have the bling and an Ipod cover that has that also. I picked it up when I saw it. And thought of her. Thats one thing I got. Ulta carried it.

 

Hi again. So I thought of another reason why I don't think you should give his kids gifts. They say that it's the thought of the gift that counts. If they don't know who the gift is from or is lead to believe that someone else picked it out, then the gift has no meaning.

 

I always thought is was tacky when a boss had an assistant pick out gifts for his wife and stuff like that. A gift should reflect the relationship that the giver has with the person the gift is for. He should pick out gifts for his kids himself. That way the gifts will be genuine and have meaning for both him and his kids. I hope I have explained this and it isn't confusing.

[yousaveme]

I know. I am actually going to take the advice and discuss it with him. I didnt think of somethings that were mentioned. and I certainly dont want him lieing to them , and I dont want them getting any impression later on that I was doing anything to hurt them.

 

 

Just wanted to add that I do know your intentions are good and you just wanted to do something nice for the kids.

 

You know the situation best, so as always do what you feel is right. You got some great advice on this thread and I hope it helped.

[Buttaflyy]

That i did cover. The gifts are things that tie into things they have gotten for bdays. And the big stuff they got for christmas. Ex: Daughter got an Ipod for Bday. She is into the Bling stuff, you know those crystals they put on the phones. ( she did the also ). Well, they have ear buds that have the bling and an Ipod cover that has that also. I picked it up when I saw it. And thought of her. Thats one thing I got. Ulta carried it.

 

You are so sweet!

 

I love those things! Give em to me!

[yousaveme]

I really tried to put thought into this. And make sure they were things that they would like and would look like they would come from him.

 

You are so sweet!

 

I love those things! Give em to me!

[Guest]

I know. I am actually going to take the advice and discuss it with him. I didnt think of somethings that were mentioned. and I certainly dont want him lieing to them , and I dont want them getting any impression later on that I was doing anything to hurt them.

 

DUH - DON'T U GET IT! THAT'S WHY HE INCLUDED THE NASTY AND THE GOOD IN JUST THE RIGHT MEASURE AND TONE YOU THERE WAS NOTHING TO DOUBT - HE UNDERSTANDS

 

HE IS SMART AND TOTALLY SEXY TOO AND HIS LOVE PUMP IS ...WELL [bLUSHES]

 

EVERYONE CAN RELAX - HE IS ASKING FOR NOTHING IN RETURN - HE GETS IT

[yousaveme]

WTF? You make no sense.

 

 

DUH - DON'T U GET IT! THAT'S WHY HE INCLUDED THE NASTY AND THE GOOD IN JUST THE RIGHT MEASURE AND TONE YOU THERE WAS NOTHING TO DOUBT - HE UNDERSTANDS

 

HE IS SMART AND TOTALLY SEXY TOO AND HIS LOVE PUMP IS ...WELL [bLUSHES]

 

EVERYONE CAN RELAX - HE IS ASKING FOR NOTHING IN RETURN - HE GETS IT

[whichwayisup]

With the holidays being about the kids.

 

Yup, I agree there. And your heart is in the right place, my concern is, his wife isn't stupid and it will take her about 5 seconds to figure out who the presents are from. If his wife reacts at all, he'll react to her reaction and she'll know - Which could cause some problems. Plus the presents kind of say you personally know the kids and what they are interested in...Let's say a woman's touch...In the sense of putting thought into the gift. (no offense to men)

[yousaveme]

I feel like am damned if i dont and damned if i do. I guess I need to talk with him tonight. And tell me all the concerns I have about the gifts. And see what he says.

 

Yup, I agree there. And your heart is in the right place, my concern is, his wife isn't stupid and it will take her about 5 seconds to figure out who the presents are from. If his wife reacts at all, he'll react to her reaction and she'll know - Which could cause some problems. Plus the presents kind of say you personally know the kids and what they are interested in...Let's say a woman's touch...In the sense of putting thought into the gift. (no offense to men)

[NoIDidn't]

I know you plan to talk to him, but I wouldn't give his input much consideration. Of course, he's going to tell you not to worry and he's got it covered and his W will never figure it out. But that's because he honestly doesn't know what she will do and with him still talking to you in any capacity shows that he doesn't really care either.

 

If you want to risk another d-day, I say give them regardless of the possible outcomes. If you don't want another trip down the deep end of the rollercoaster, I say don't give them.

 

The gifts are great and thoughtful gifts, but his W will get suspicious, or moreso. And there is nothing more offensive to a mother than someone else trying to get close to her kids behind her back. You have never said that you have kids, but a mother will get BEYOND defensive if you involve them in adult business.

 

That and what whichway said. If something goes down in that household over those gifts, that would be the worst thing that could happen to those kids over the holidays. They will never forget (as many of us that have received said gifts will attest), and they may never forgive him (as they are at that age).

 

Just more food for thought.

[frannie]

To the OP (or any OW thinking of buying presents for MM's children). Someone over on Infidelity referenced your thread, and the situation and responses are interesting, might be useful to read:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t106880/

 

 

In fact, it's just interesting all round, especially if he's planning on leaving, for the responses it's getting.