my boyfriend is addicted to porn

[boohoo]

This is the 1st time i have ever done anything like this but ive come to the end of my tether and i cant go on for much longer and i need help from those who have been there.Im 23 and my bf is 25 and we have been going out for 2 years, we live to gether and all in all hes the perfect guy...loving, caring etc.

 

About a year ago now i 1st discovered that he had porn on his computer. This didnt really bother me as its quiet natural for a guy to do plus im his 1st real gf and i suppose he relied on it quiet alot before me. but once while i was asleep in the same room i woke up and caught he looking at porn and i was really upset and told him this and that if he was in the mood all he have to do is wake me up. I thought we'd move on and it wasnt a problem anymore. Then i caught him again and discovered he had downloaded a number of new movies. i was really hurt and yet again he promised. Needless to say a kept catching him by looking on his internet history and searching his computer docs. also throughout the year our sex life has completely dried up he never wants sex with me, hes not interested and its like pulling teeth trying to get him interested and when i start making a move he gets really annoyed and switches off because he saids its not in my character to do that stuff and that he doesnt like it!

 

Im so upset and hurt i cry about it all the time and its something im constantly thinking about. When we first went out our sex life was great he couldnt get enough (he even spent half the year trying to get with me) but now it s**t! I know im not unattractive. Im a blonde 6ft slim woman but yet i get nothing from him all he wants to do is kiss and cuddle which i do love but i want more.

 

I love him so much and i know he loves me and i know he would never cheat on me but hes addicted to porn very time im away or asleep hes on the computer looking at a million and one sites hes even a member of several sites (why go on so many) and has his fav porn stars!!! I hate them so much as far as im concerned there sluts but yet they have such control over our relationship and me. my self asteem has dropped i will so unwanted and unattractive i keep crash dieting to get im interested but nothing works. he says he loves me and doesnt want me to change coz he fancies he loads. so then why not act on it?

 

we've had so many arguements about porn as i keep watching ot. i even spend hours waiting outside the lounge pretending to be asleep just to catch him...which i do!!! he says he just looks at them coz hes bored. he doesnt actually masterbate over it (well he probably does but i havent caught him) he just likes looking at them. he promises to stop but he never does. and when i find it back on there and his cds he says there there to act as a test for me, to see if im checking up on me which half the time i know is s**t!!!

 

Ive threatened to leave him but never go through with it coz i love him and apart from this are relationship is great but porn is ruining but i cant let things ok because he chooses them over sleeping with me. i honestly wouldnt mind as much if our sex life was normal but it isnt. if hes bored like he says why not just come be with me? obviously i repluse him? please someone help me. should i move on or put up with it? i just cant bare all his lies.

[blind_otter]

Never make empty threats. You lose credibility.

 

Look, there are 10000000 threads about this subject on this website alone, and the bottom line is this. Addiction is the same, whatever the substance, be is pornography or cocaine. If he wants to get better, he will. If he doesn't you're screwed.

 

But even if he DOES want to quit using his doc (drug of choice) -- it will be a long, hard road to sobriety. No pun intended.

 

So you're stuck between the proverbial scylla and charibdis, a rock and a hard place. You need to stop focusing on him, focus on you. What do you want out of a relationship? What are your needs? Are your wants/needs being met? If not, is there any plan in place in order to make it so?

 

Ask yourself these questions and answer them on paper. Make a list, pros and cons of being involved with my BF.

 

Analyze whether you want to continue investing your time and emotions with this person, make a decisions, and STICK WITH IT.

[Guest]

Start Up Affair Number 6

 

Remember It's All About U

 

Its His Job To Stop His Porn Addiction Just Like His Coke

[gloria]

wow i read your whole story and omg its like you are telling mine. I live with my boyfriend and we have been together for a year and a half now, and if it wasnt for his obsession with porn we would be the most incredible couple in the entire world. his mom told me he has been addicted since he was like 12 years old and I have threatened him numerous times that id leave him and he continues to do it.

 

He never wants to have sex with me, but in the beginning he'd beg me everyday. I just dont get it. I could barely touch him and he basically throws me off like im some nasty fat girl and i swear im not. The thing he does that kills me the most is its not normal porn sites, its weird movies like toilet sluts, midgets, animal sex, or he even watches girls webcams. I feel like thats cheating and i want to take him somewhere to get help but idk if he'll go.

 

We are constantly fighting over this over and over again. it came down to me taking away his cpu and his debit card and he sneaks and does stuff behind my back and thinks im an idiot. Have you solved your boyfriends problem at all? What ideas and suggestions do you have ? i need help or I will never love myself again...

This is the 1st time i have ever done anything like this but ive come to the end of my tether and i cant go on for much longer and i need help from those who have been there.Im 23 and my bf is 25 and we have been going out for 2 years, we live to gether and all in all hes the perfect guy...loving, caring etc.

 

About a year ago now i 1st discovered that he had porn on his computer. This didnt really bother me as its quiet natural for a guy to do plus im his 1st real gf and i suppose he relied on it quiet alot before me. but once while i was asleep in the same room i woke up and caught he looking at porn and i was really upset and told him this and that if he was in the mood all he have to do is wake me up. I thought we'd move on and it wasnt a problem anymore. Then i caught him again and discovered he had downloaded a number of new movies. i was really hurt and yet again he promised. Needless to say a kept catching him by looking on his internet history and searching his computer docs. also throughout the year our sex life has completely dried up he never wants sex with me, hes not interested and its like pulling teeth trying to get him interested and when i start making a move he gets really annoyed and switches off because he saids its not in my character to do that stuff and that he doesnt like it!

 

Im so upset and hurt i cry about it all the time and its something im constantly thinking about. When we first went out our sex life was great he couldnt get enough (he even spent half the year trying to get with me) but now it s**t! I know im not unattractive. Im a blonde 6ft slim woman but yet i get nothing from him all he wants to do is kiss and cuddle which i do love but i want more.

 

I love him so much and i know he loves me and i know he would never cheat on me but hes addicted to porn very time im away or asleep hes on the computer looking at a million and one sites hes even a member of several sites (why go on so many) and has his fav porn stars!!! I hate them so much as far as im concerned there sluts but yet they have such control over our relationship and me. my self asteem has dropped i will so unwanted and unattractive i keep crash dieting to get im interested but nothing works. he says he loves me and doesnt want me to change coz he fancies he loads. so then why not act on it?

 

we've had so many arguements about porn as i keep watching ot. i even spend hours waiting outside the lounge pretending to be asleep just to catch him...which i do!!! he says he just looks at them coz hes bored. he doesnt actually masterbate over it (well he probably does but i havent caught him) he just likes looking at them. he promises to stop but he never does. and when i find it back on there and his cds he says there there to act as a test for me, to see if im checking up on me which half the time i know is s**t!!!

 

Ive threatened to leave him but never go through with it coz i love him and apart from this are relationship is great but porn is ruining but i cant let things ok because he chooses them over sleeping with me. i honestly wouldnt mind as much if our sex life was normal but it isnt. if hes bored like he says why not just come be with me? obviously i repluse him? please someone help me. should i move on or put up with it? i just cant bare all his lies.

[boohoo]

hi gloria its so refreshing to hear that somone else is going through the same thing. since my last post nothing has changed im afraid. ive confronted him once again but hes always got an answer ready for me and he keeps on denying it and so it keeps on going around in this viscous circle. ive been away for the last 4 days and ive spent the whole time knowing that hes been on those sites.

 

hes started snapping at me alot recently and we havent had sex for over 3 weeks and he couldnt care less (it never seems to cross his mind). my friends dont really like him anymore after the way he treats me. he doesnt have any time for me.

 

hes my 1st ever 'proper' bf and i just cant bring myself to leave him because i dont know any better. i cant imagin anyone else ever loving me (coz noone ever has).

 

i dont think this issue will ever be resolved. can i go on like this/ settling for 2nd best? even thou he says he loves me and treats me so well in other areas should i believe in myself and leave?

 

sorry all this doesnt make much sense but as you know its a very confusing issue. thanks for writing because its such a huge comfort.

[JackJack]

Ive threatened to leave him but never go through with it coz i love him and apart from this are relationship is great but porn is ruining but i cant let things ok because he chooses them over sleeping with me. i honestly wouldnt mind as much if our sex life was normal but it isnt. if hes bored like he says why not just come be with me? obviously i repluse him? please someone help me. should i move on or put up with it? i just cant bare all his lies.

 

Never make threats you can not follow through with, or he will never take you seriously there fore he will probably contine with his behavior that you find unacceptable.

 

You have talked with him so he knows how you feel on the matter. The only thing left for you to do, either accept it and continue to live with things while resentment grows and destroys the relationship plus destroys how you see your self. Or leave him and move on.

[JamesM]

I have to agree with what the others are saying. He needs his porn, and it has become his mistress/girlfriend in the sex department. This truly has nothing to do with your looks or sex appeal.

 

One statement struck me as I read your story...

 

our sex life has completely dried up he never wants sex with me, he's not interested and its like pulling teeth trying to get him interested and when i start making a move he gets really annoyed and switches off because he said its not in my character to do that stuff and that he doesnt like it!

 

Why would he not consider it in your character? Because IMHO, he associates real sex with porn stars. He views them as "sluts" and you as the good girl. Since you are his first real girlfriend, he has never had to make the distinction, but now he cannot bring himself to do those things in porn to a woman whom he sees as a friend. When he first got to know you, sex with you was that. But now he connects with you on a friendship basis, and he sees sex as too "dirty" to do with you. My guess is that he is confused on how to treat you...hence he is treating you poorly.

 

He likes to cuddle and talk with you, but he cannot be loving and intimate/sexual with you. Sex is sex...not love.

 

Personally, unless he can break his addiction to porn, you may need to move on to another guy who realizes that porn has its purpose, but it can never replace lovemaking with a woman.

[gloria]

Well.. I know things get so hard when it comes to confronting him about his pron addiction. taking everything away from my boyfriend and then trying to videotape/audio tape everything he does while im at work I thought would be the resolution but instead it made me realize how truly addicted he is. I recently had an argument with my bf because i read some emails he typed to some girls staing that he'd like them to send him some pictures because he can no longer go on the alt.com and adult sites anymore because he doesnt have a bank account.debit card.

 

So, I freaked out at him and told him i cant deal with always feeling like im ugly and not good enough to do things with and that i felt like he was never going to be able to stop. He spends all of his free money(about 500 hundred a month) on this bull**** and what happens when we cant afford rent? So i told him unless he stops im gone. He once again told me he would try. the next day he gave me some simon mall giftcards(which are gift cards that you can use anywhere visa is accepted) and told me that he planned on using these for porn but he wanted me to have them. SO, I think that is a step in the right direction.

 

I just hate how sneaky he is about everything. It seems like regardless of what I do he can always find a way(if he truly wants it bad enough) to do it. So, he has to be the one that wants to stop. I truly am going to leave him this time if their is another issue.. i cant deal with the emotional battles i keep being put through even though he is my first real bf and the first guy i have ever slept with.. i'd rather be alone then feel this way. I hope the best for you boohoo and you need to seriously put your foot down and tell him he is the one that needs to want to stop or its never going to happen. Keep me posted and ill make sure to do the same

~gloria

[Guest]

You are not alone, my boyfriend & I have been together for over six years, not happily six years, but to say the least, we are in a sex-less relationship that he blames on me, but since doing my own research I have found the same reasons as you. my boyfriend refuses to have sex with me, even if I was the hottest girl on the planet he refuses, because all he does all day long while I am at work is watch disgusting porn. It has totally ruined so many aspects of our sex life.

 

First and most important we only have sex maybe if Im lucky once or twice every other month. I mark each time we have sex on a calender and everyday I look at it as a reminder of how angry,hurt, and totally disgusted I am. He can't even get an erection around me, and when he finally does get hard he can't keep it up! Six years and 1 child and I feel so alone and hurt. I feel he cheats on me while he is watching porn. The ugly sluts in these movies, get my boyfriends erection and cum everytime, but he can't even get a hard on for the girl he supposedly has loved for six years!

 

Advice I can give to any girl or woman who has found your man is into porn, get out now and get a real man that wants to make love to you not his hand, but if you love him and dont want to leave buy a vibrator! you will be alone and horny alot!

[Guest]

I used to be too embarrassed to talk about this with my friends but my bf and I have been together for almost three years and the sex was great for the first year but it dropped off dramatically after that. We've had sex two times in the past year and he barely keeps an erection during it. He used to tell me how beautiful I was and now all the affection I get is literally a peck on the lips before he goes to work. I feel so incredibly undesirable and ugly because I can see him admiring the beauty in women around us when we go out and he's constantly on the computer looking at everything from porn to webcams of naked or barely clothed women but doesn't look twice at me.

 

He even went so far as to tell me that it was my fault that we weren't having sex because I never initiate it. But I'm extra affectionate with him everyday. He keeps giving me the it's not you, it's me line, telling me he loves me but doesn't know why he doesn't want to have sex with me. Yesterday, he told me again that he's in love with me but that sexually he's bored with me. I know I should leave him but a part of me is so attached to him because he was my first sexual partner.