Why Wont He Marry Me? Really?

[princesskristyleeann]

WHY WONT HE MARRY ME? REALLY? heres my story.

 

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for four years here in a couple days. No were still not married. We have been engaged for a little over three years now. Okay lets see how sort I can make this! After about a year of dating (well almost a year) I find out that he is leaving for iraq. I get all emotional because I have already fell in love with this man. I tell him he should marry me before he leaves and I am all upset. Well I was on 19 at that time. I let my emotions get in the way. He said that he wasn't ready for that yet. Which he is right, we shouldn't just get married because he is going to iraq. We should get married because we love each other. So when we were at the mall sometime before he left the country I saw this ring that I wanted really really bad. And so he bought it for me (it was a dimond but a wee little dimond 300.00) and we decided together that we are engaged and announced it to the family. The reason that I said that we decided was because I maybe pressured him to get engaged just alittle to much. We had already decided that we'll get married when he gets home from iraq, it would just be an egagement for when he's gone, his promise to come home and marry me when he gets home.

 

so times go on. He's gone in iraq and I'm all alone. I start hanging out with friends and parting doing what every other young person does at that age. Well I think they do anyways. Well I screw up and I slept with a guy after about a half gallon of alcohol...well that much but you know what I mean. I tell him the next day when he calls me that I cheated on him...and I cry and he crys and he tells me to bring his stuff to his parents because we moved in with each other right before he left. I didn't mean for it to happen. I was so immature to do it. I can not beleive that I did it but I did and I can never change that. ever.

 

About a week later he calls me and says that we should stay together. he asked me if I wanted to work it out and I said well of corse i want to. So we did under his cercumstances. He asked me to move in with his parents untill he got home (he never said why and he just said do it) of coarse it was to keep an eye on me, but i understood his feelings of anger and hurt and so I did it. I moved in with his parents untill he came home. His other curcumstance was to go to rehab. So that I did. He asked me why I did it and I said I don't know I was drunk, he said then I needed rehab. And So I went. I still drank while he was gone I just kept it on the down low. And what I mean by drinking is that occationally I went to a party. Maybe five totall for the rest of the time that he was gone. I lived with his parents untill I was around 20 years old. Untill he got home.

 

we moved into an apartment when he got home and he had forgiven me for that night. we were doing just great and by this time we had been together for alittle over two years. now he was home and everything was perfect. Untill I caught him doing things that I had no idea was going on. I caught him calling those local chat numbers in the paper for when you connect to a live person in your area to talk to. I started snooping on our phone records and he had called that number plus other numbers numerous times. Two calls of which he made from his cell phone lasted for 60-70 minutes. Then I started noticing that he was looking a porn non stop. every day he was doing it. I caught him masterbating in the bathroom in the middle of the night, the same night he turned me down for sex. Then he set up an adultfriend finder account on the internet in which I found by accendent because the dam thing kept popping up. This lasted for months before I started to lose my mind and feel so hurt. It's not normal when your looking at porn and masterbating two or more times a day. I would confront him, almost everyday just about. At first he said that he had only done it once. Or that it wasn't a problem...he said that he couldn't get me cheating on him out of his head. He turned it on me numberous times. Actually every time that I brought it up and told him how much that It upset me his addiction and believe me it was he would say "oh don't even get me started after what you did to me" constantly. Anyways about 6 months later when it got worse and it was everyday that I was catching him I finally had given up bitching about it. It was no use.And as far as I know that was all he was doing...he says that he never met up with anyone. but i will never know for sure. I only trust him in my heart. During that six months I started hanging out with my friend shannon more and more. started going out to the bars more and more. And having fun. Of corse I forgot to metion that I turned 21 in that six months. Now dave and I have been toether for around three years at this point. Well all of the fighting that was going on one night I left him. I couldn't take it anymore. Things were getting bad and I kept forgiving him for the porn thing but it was getting out of control. He was constantly angry at me for going out with shannon but I wasn't happy at home. I love dave but the fighting was too much for me. After everything I still would die for him, I love him so much. So anyways back to the night that I left him, I left him and ended up having sex with his friend a good friend of his, but a friend who he only see's once a year. That was not planned it just happened. But dave and I were not together I don't care what he says. He calls it cheating I called it leaving. His friend took me to the train station the next day and off I went to another town another place were i grew up. I went to my mothers.

 

Dave and I got back together shortly after that. I said that I was sorry that it was his friend, but we were not together nor did I have any intention to go back to him. (dave) But I did. We are still together today. It will be four years hear in a couple of days. And has been a year since Our big break up at three years. our relationship has been rocking ...and i am the first person to admitt that and will be the first person to admit that neither of us are perfect. But I do now once thing we do love each other and the last year has been great. we are working on our differences and are going stronger everyday.

 

But just one thing is missing, marrage. I metioned that we were engaged in the beginning of the story. Well just keep in mind that we stayed engaged through the hards times and have been engaged now for three years. Remember how I said that he promised to marry me when he got home. I asked him about it when he got home and he would always say, we dont have the money or maybe next year, or are you even really ready. Theres always an excuse for him. Recently I have started to ask about it again. This time he said we can afford it right now. He asks me not to bring it up it stresses him out. that's the line i hear the most.

 

Every morning he makes me coffee, he runs my baths, he kisses me when i need a kiss, he tells me when he gets home from work that he missed me that day, he tell me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. His feeling I know are real. He shows me love every single day. But when I metion marrage he gets all pissed. When I metion kids he says after i buy a house and were finanually stable then maybe. It's like every year he tells me "maybe next year"

 

My best friend tells me to sit him down and have a serious talk with him. But every time I bring up marrage he brings up money. Everytime I want to talk to him about it he get all stressed out. Okay it's not like were poor here. We both have decent jobs, I'm a nanny making okay money and he does remodel construction. I 22 years old now and he's 28 and will be 29 years old in febuary. If it's not the money then why does he say that. He acts like we have to be rich to start a family. It's almost like all he wants is me as his girlfriend, it seems like he doesn't want to marry or have kids or anything but says he does some day i dont get it. I would just like to see our relationship moving foward.

 

very hurt very confused,

kristy

[Art_Critic]

Every morning he makes me coffee, he runs my baths, he kisses me when i need a kiss, he tells me when he gets home from work that he missed me that day, he tell me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. His feeling I know are real. He shows me love every single day. But when I metion marrage he gets all pissed. When I metion kids he says after i buy a house and were finanually stable then maybe. It's like every year he tells me "maybe next year"

 

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free..

 

I'm just saying..

 

You seem to have a good BF.. but you have let him control the timing.. You need to control the timing as he doesn't want to buy the cow with the milk being free..

 

It's a guy thing.. nothing wrong with him.. you can't give us an inch or we will take a mile..

 

Talk to him about it....It might be time for a heart to heart to see if he will give you what you are looking for at this stage of the game

[fluffy0]

I would think your boyfriend is probably hesitant of marriage because you two don't exactly have the best track record. Please don't be offended by this, but from your post it seemed like you want a fairytale love story but aren't willing to work at it. It seemed like you pushed him into getting engaged just because you found a pretty ring and wanted the romance and exitement of the engagement. But then, when the going got tough, you backed off your promise to stay faithful. Ofcourse, your boyfriend hasn't exactly been an angel either.I think when you cheat on someone and the bond of trust is broken, it's often impossible to get it back, even if the couple commits to working at it, and things just spiral downward.

Perhaps your boyfriend doesn't want the same thing to happen that happened after you two got engaged: you get all exited about the "idea" of marriage but then you don't take it seriously. So perhaps he is waiting and seeing how long you will stay faithfull to him, to make sure you are ready for marriage. Or maybe he has given up on the relationship but doesn't have the guts to get out. Only time will tell.

I wouldn't rush into things or give ultimatums. You want to make sure that both people ar mature and committed for marriage. Marriage in itself won't makes things better between you, or build trust, just read some of the sad posts from married people on this forum.

I wish you all the best, and just remeber remember that if you start feeling like you are being hurt or taken advantage of, don't be afraid to get out of the relationship. You deserve a chance to be loved and if your SO refuses to forgive and forget past actions, then move on to someone who is willing to trust you and to give marriage a chance. Sometimes you have to go through alot of emotinal pain to reach happiness. good Luck:+)

[honeybunch2k5]

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free..

 

I'm just saying..

 

You seem to have a good BF.. but you have let him control the timing.. You need to control the timing as he doesn't want to buy the cow with the milk being free..

 

It's a guy thing.. nothing wrong with him.. you can't give us an inch or we will take a mile..

 

Talk to him about it....It might be time for a heart to heart to see if he will give you what you are looking for at this stage of the game

 

ITA. Why women expect marriage after a guy already has what he wants is beyond me...

[Krytellan]

Well first of all, putting myself in his shoes, I think I would be wondering exactly when you were going to cheat on me again (yes, you call his friend not cheating... might as well have been). Also, I think you need to realize that some men are very proud about providing for a family. He feels money is important and perhaps you need to respect that a little more?

 

You're only 22 years old. At his age, I would honestly be VERY skeptical about marrying a 22 year old, especiall one who cheated on me and slept with my friend. I think you could benefit from trynig to step outside of yourself a bit and see what the relationship is through his eyes.

[Sal Paradise]

Most people are scared of marrying someone who has a history of cheating.

 

You're both young and immature. You're better off without each other.

[WTF]

You cheated on him and then got with his friend??

 

 

 

 

Thats why. SORRY, but you must lay in the bed made.

[RecordProducer]

Hey Kristy! I don't see any sign that points out that he won't marry you. He loves you, lives with you, and told you that he would marry you so marriage WILL come. It really doesn't have to be now.

 

My concerns are more about how you deal with the problems that arise once in a while. Dumping someone on your way to another man's bed, having sex and returning to the "ex" in the morning is not cheating - it's worse than cheating! It's dumping someone temporarily for the purpose of having sex, even if you didn't dump him for that purpose.

 

Why did you sleep with his friend? Did you need sex? No. You wanted revenge. Men hate women who can't keep their legs closed. Getting drunk and breaking up is one thing, but getting drunk and ending up in bed with someone or breaking up and ending up in bed on the same night is totally different.

 

My goal is not to criticize you for the sake of making you feel bad, but to point out at a fault that you have and might want to work on. This demon in you will wake up sooner or later again. And you will be a married woman. You need to decide that next time you will say "NO." And once you're married, sex with other guys is not an option in ANY circumstance.

 

As you see, your mistakes give him the opportunity to demand things from you and expect you to obey, because you're not in a position to object. And he is right. When you show that you can't think straight then somebody has to do the thinking for you.

 

So do yourself a favor and don't screw up things again. If you want a perfect lover, YOU have to be perfect yourself. You can't nag about porn when you've cheated. You can't demand that he keeps the house clean, if you're making a bigger mess than he does.

[Lennox]

I don't consider you sleeping with his friend as cheating since you had broken up with him, but actually, sleeping with his friend is worse in ways. Why? Because that's a line that men don't cross with each other. There are millions of other guys out there that you could have had a one night stand with, but you chose his friend. That was wrong. How would you feel if one of your girlfriends had slept with your boyfriend at the same time? You would feel pretty crappy and wonder what the heck was wrong with your boyfriend that he could cross such a line.

 

Who knows if he'll ever marry you. He may just be waiting things out to see if something better comes along. Someone that can provide him with a fresh clean relationship, not one damaged as you described. On the other hand, you're both young and really shouldn't be considering marriage right at this moment. I think you should decide what you want in a relationship. One thing you definitely don't want is a marriage that starts just because you wanted it and he didn't. I sure wouldn't want to be married to someone that didn't want to marry me in the first place. Marriage is hard enough when both people want it badly, it's impossible when one is pressured into it.

[RecordProducer]

I don't consider you sleeping with his friend as cheating since you had broken up with him

How would you feel if your lover broke up with you and slept with someone else on the same day, then returned to you shortly after that?

 

 

Who knows if he'll ever marry you. He may just be waiting things out to see if something better comes along. Someone that can provide him with a fresh clean relationship, not one damaged as you described.

They are together and have resolved things. Nothing indicates that he didn't forgive her. We heard the worst parts, but there have been many more good days. What YOU consider damaged he may see as "we've gone through so much together and got out as winners." I've heard people stating that they can't break up after all they've been through together and it's usually infidelity and a lot of pain they've caused to each other.

 

No relationship is clean and ideal except at the very begining. Many people don't want to run from one relationship to another and seek perfection. They want to know that someone is worth staying with after all the damage has been done. Besides, love is very powerful. You don't throw your children away if they are damaged, because your love for them is unconditional. Well some people love their partners almost unconditionally. And some people see challenge in repairing the other party.

 

Finally, even if he thinks of their relationship as damaged, that doesn't mean he won't marry her. He is with her and she has the chance to show that she grew up into a mature and decent person. Hopefully she won't jump in another man's bed under the excuse that he didn't want to marry her.

[Lennox]

No matter which way you slice it, if she was broken up with the guy, anything she did after that was not cheating. He didn't HAVE to go back with her, he chose to. I think you missed my point completely. I think what he has a problem with more than any questionable cheating is that she chose to have sex with his friend out of all the men she could have chosen to have sex with. That makes things more personal and painful for him. I think to men that is more damaging than just sleeping with some stranger for a night. Men, you can jump in here if you like.

 

How would I feel if my man slept with my best friend and tried to come back to me? I'd dump him AND her immediately and not look back. That's too much to deal with on so many levels.

 

They obviously have not really resolved things or else the question of marriage would not be so vague and undetermined. If they actually set a date, whether it be in the near future or 2008, then I'd be more inclined to think they have settled things. Nothing is settled at this point, they are merely living with each other, testing out the waters if you will.

 

He's wise not to marry her right now and would be even wiser if he waited until she was at least 30 before making that sort of committment.

I agree that love is powerful, but if it's that powerful, she can wait 8 years for him to go into the marriage arrangement willingly if need be.

[mental_traveller]

Why get married and risk financial ruin in the odds-on likelihood that your spouse eventually betrays you (especially if she cheated already), when you can just stay bf/gf and have exactly the same relationship but without the drawbacks? That way if you cheat again he can extricate himself fairly easily and with some honour and pride still intact.

[che_jesse]

I think you have a ways to go before you are ready for marriage. Just because you get along day to day does not mean you have what it takes to make it in the long run, your track records shows that your relationship, and you in particular do not.

 

You have already been together for a year, then you cheated on him, what guarantees does he have that it wont happen again?

 

To answer your question: He wont marry you because he sees that your relationship is not ready for marriage.

 

By the way: Caps + bold are not curse control for cool.

[GreenEyedLady]

You are very young...you have made mistakes that can be attributed to being young and not making the best decisions...why do you want to get married now, to someone who does not trust you? Believe me, it won't get better if you marry...

[Meggion]

I'm confused... How were you "broken up" at the time you claim you weren't "cheating" by sleeping with his friend if you still claim that you were engaged for 3 years? If you broke up then the engagement was broken...if the engagement wasn't broken you were still together and you cheated...you can't have it both ways.

 

Overall it sounds like your relationship has been through a lot. If you're living together and happy as you claim with the kisses and bathwater and all, what's the push to get married?

[Curmudgeon]

I'm sorry you're hurt, Kristy but to be perfetly honest, I doubt that I'd marry you either. I've always believed that you shouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who brings into it more baggage than will fit in the overhead compartment.