BW's&BH's why did you stay?

[Guest]

I asked him if he loved her, he said no. He told me he loved me but we had been having problems, and she had been there, at first as a friend and then as a lover. Her intentions were always less than honourable (she was an ex who never got over him) and he was weak and confused for a while. If he had told me loved her, I would have bowed out... perhaps not gracefully, but I wouldnt have held onto him. He has spent his time making it up to me. I am learning to trust again, and to forgive. The OW? She was left out in the cold, frankly that is where she belonged. If it happens again I will leave no matter what, but I felt we were worth a second chance.

[frannie]

"If he is not cheating on you by also being with his wife & he is not in an open relationship with you by being with his wife, then what do you call it?"

 

Well I hope I don't sound like a smartass if I say I call it having an affair with a married man. It's not something I want by choice, but it's dictated by his circumstances at the moment.

 

"Two years is a long time to wait for someone to leave their wife, don't you think? Especially when they are apparently so miserable at home."

 

It absolutely is a long time! We've had periods of only being in phone contact, periods of NC, and periods when we more or less live together during the week (which is the situation at the moment). As I said in my previous post, I don't see things as a competition between his wife and I, it's a question of whether or not he thinks the best thing to do is to separate from her now. Now, I have mixed views on that. Firstly, I think he's being totally unfair to his wife, because no-one deserves this treatment. But on the other hand, part of me agrees with him that leaving his children will be a huge trauma, plenty of hurt. I don't know that our relationship will survive... and so I worry that he will have ended his marriage for... what?

 

He's not terribly unhappy at home. He gets to see his children regularly, they're not overly disturbed (although they don't like him being away so often... that worries me because when/if he leaves he'll see them less at times). He's just no longer in love with his wife, no longer wants her or wants to be with her, and they never do anything together, just for the children. And he loves me and wants to be with me. Before he met me they used to argue all the time, or have periods of silence and non-communication. He worked away most of the time, and weekends were tense. Since he's been in the affair I've seen him become a happier, more relaxed person, and the arguments at home have reduced, he says. But I worry that if he leaves, we will split up and he'll end up alone and financially worse off and not seeing his children Christmas morning. Being together for longer (in the affair) allows us to get to know each other better. I know that probably offends some people and makes others laugh, but that is how it is.

 

We've been seeing each other off and on for 2 years... and in that time we've thrashed out a few of the relationship difficulties that most 'ordinary' couples have. It is still 'honeymoon' in many senses. But two years of interaction allows you to see them a lot clearer, on their bad days and their good days.

 

If I wasn't in the picture, there would be no question of him leaving. He would stay for the children, for certain. Why not? Plenty of marriages are like his, and people don't divorce, because they're not a bad enough situation to leave behind all you've built, and your family, simply to be alone! And people don't think they'll necessarily find anyone else. But he's fallen in love with someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. So he has a choice... stay with what he has, or leave and take this chance for real happiness.

 

"I understand that you are saying that you would never stay with anyone who cheated on you. I admire this (& I used to think this too) and I am not knocking you for this - I just genuinely can't reconcile this with what the MM is doing to you now. It seems hypocritical to me."

 

Well, the difference to me is that MM was married before I came along. He has pre-existing obligations which he just can't drop, and what kind of man would that make him anyway? He has no such history with me, no such obligation... the situation is completely different. The only comparable thing would be if he got another girlfriend now and didn't tell me about her. Or he got his wife pregnant or something... showing that he was lying to me about their relationship in some way.

 

"Sure they are, and IMHO, if the MM stays with his wife for more than a few months after starting his affair(s), then he has made that decision. He has chosen the wife."

 

Well it won't surprise you to know that I don't see it that way. A few months after starting an affair all a MM has done is chosen to have an affair. I can only talk about my own situation, but I look at it like this: it's between his current situation and a new life with me. His marriage, wife, children, in-laws, home, history... or me, and whatever new things we make. I have no doubt there are things he loves about both of these. It's not a straight swap between two women... things are far more complicated than that.

 

"One of the things that still gives me a laugh to this day, is the complete rubbish that came out of the OW's mouth once I found out about the A. It had all been fed to her by WH (presumably to keep her happy & make her think he would leave me) and included stuff like we never had sex & that I never acknowledged him."

 

You know, that would just make me very sad. To know that someone I loved could do that to someone else, just so he could get what he wanted from them... to put someone single and unattached to him in a position where she fell in love with him and believed him... and it was all complete ****. Perhaps he believed it at the time..? Who knows.

 

Of course it's not that different from what MM is doing to his W. And it does worry me that he could do that to someone he shares his life with. But then I look at it again and I think... well, I don't know her, I haven't had to live with her and I don't know the extent of his resentment towards her after all these years. And of course he doesn't have to tell direct lies to her about me, since she has no idea of my existence. But by being there with her still and not telling her about his 'other life'... then he's doing something to her that I don't approve of at all. But then, he's not pretending to love her either. So in that respect, that is how I reconcile the two positions (your question above).

[frannie]

It does indeed come off like frannie is mocking perfectly normal emotions. I didn't feel competition with the OW in my case though. I knew she was young and they both had stars in their eyes. The R and M that we built over the years has a mature love that just can't and wasn't going to compete with infatuation. I went about the business of taking the best care that I could of my family as he was still in the "fog" LOL!

 

But I can see where you are coming from Ripples. I guess I didn't see it as a competition because of my low self-esteem and all.

 

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound mocking at all. I just wanted to say that while some people talk about competition between OW and W, I don't feel any of that. I don't exactly know why.

 

I very much doubt I'd have got into an affair if I'd felt it was a competition... I tend to avoid situations where that's an issue as it's something I have problems with in general.

[marlena]

As a BS as soon as I found out, I was outta there. No reason to want to even work on the marriage. It was just one thing to convince me that I needed to leave.

 

The reason I am asking is because now I am struggling with OW issues. I guess I just assumed MM would leave, or W would leave because I did. I know, generalizations in such situations hardly validate what i did or was thinkingand i can't apply what happened to me in the past to what is happening now. I am just curious.

 

Thanks!

 

Hi! Wow! This could have been me. When i found out about the A (in the most vulgar of ways ...they both called me up to tell me) I was at the lawyers office the next morning! Like you said it wa s"the one thing to convince me I needed to leave". And then 5 yrs down the road, I found myself in OW shoes, and thought the W would react like I did. I was totally wrong. And I have the scars to prove it ....from both "betrayals". So I ditto your post. Hope you are doing OK, KA.