Living Together Before Marriage

[annieissweet]

I moved in with my boyfriend May 14, 2002. He is 11 years older than me and has two children. One child still lives at home and she is 16 years old. It has been working out well. I get along with his kids and they seem to like me. My relationship with my boyfriend is great.

 

My girlfriends told me before I made the move that my boyfriend's kids will always come before me and to be prepared for that. This weekend that reality really hit me. I was not included in some major decisions regarding remodeling the house. I felt left out. My boyfriend and his daughter went shopping at home improvement stores all afternoon and didn't include me.

 

My question is....was I wrong to expect to be included in the remodeling plans ? I do a major part of the cleaning and upkeep of the inside of the house. I'm not sure where I stand. If anyone can relate and offer some helpful advice I'd appreciate it.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "My question is....was I wrong to expect to be included in the remodeling plans ?

 

You are 100 percent correct to expect to be included in these plans. You are the lady of the house and its caretaker.

 

Perhaps this was just a serious oversight on the part of your man...or perhaps a wrest for control or power by his daughter. In any case, you need to get to the bottom of this and let your boyfriend know just how hurt you are in not being included in this important project.

 

While children from a previous marriage will always come first, where it relates to remodelling of a house...I've never heard of this. But, yes, you can count on this guy making sure his children are taken care of in every way possible and they will come first until he dies...or they die.

 

I think it's time for a nice discussion in your household. It doesn't have to be an argument. If you aren't satisfied with his explanation of why his daughter has a major role in this renovation and believe this is the first of what may be many issues you are left out of...you are free to leave the relationship. No arguments, no threats...just pack and go.

[questionaire]

annieissweet

 

you are so awesome. You are working-hard lady heh? alright

 

you should not feel bad if you don't go shopping with them for remodeling the house

 

they might think that it will be too much to ask you to do that since you work around the house already.

 

it's normal for father and children hang out together

 

relax and doing something useful and fun while your boyfriend and his kid are busy with the house.

 

EVERYBODY IN THE HOUSE GOTTA DO SOMETHING RIGHT ? YOU DO YOUR PART AND THEY DO THEIR PART

 

if you want to make decision too, here is what you should do

 

TRY TO BE FRIENDLY with him and his kids. You should go out more often and spend more time talking with the kid

 

since your boyfriend and his wife are devorced, the kids may think that you don't like them

 

by being around and talking with them, they will feel that you are their mother

 

what i try to say IS

 

MAKE THEM THINK THAT YOU ARE A PART OF THEIR FAMILY

[Ally Boo]

Maybe because you have only been living with them just over a month, they don't feel like it is totally your place too yet. I mean, they've already had one woman be a part of their family, come and go....now there is a new lady. One thing a divorce can teach you, is the only thing you REALLY have is your family. And that's why they picked the stuff out together...for father/daughter bonding time. Not that you aren't important, but that you aren't blood, and can leave whenever you want to. See what I mean?

[velvet]

Good thing is the kids have grown. I think you would be in a much more difficult situation if they were ten years younger.

 

Kids will come first. Not meaning you come second or last. Love is just love. However, the bond between parent and child is completely different than a r/s between man and women. Your role, considering the kids are grown will be more of a friendship and wife of their father.

 

The house work and such should be divided btw you and the daughter. After all she lives there and should pull her own weight around the house.

 

Considering she went along with her father to pick up remodeling materials is just away for them to spend father/daughter time together. In no way does it mean she made all the decisions on the house and told him what she wanted done to the house. You may want to invite her out on a grocery shopping trip. Just time to talk about whats going on her life and bond.

 

Since you have only been in the house for a month let the remodeling deal slide. Just throw in your recommendations in. Tell him you think a bay window in the kitchen would look great.