Author mum2three Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 Yeah, he told me to call her and gave me her number since he knows it by heart. He keeps telling me I'm psycho blah blah blah... But it doesn't matter if they have it all going on. That was good closure for me to take my next move. It solidifed for me that she is trash and so is he. He is trashhing talking me at his office with her and making looked like a spurned woman. I told him that i'll have to take my kids to another doctor if they can't be impartial on providing care for my kids. Overall, it s*cks! I am really ready to get out of this marriage. It is dead to me too. I couldn't see it sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
Stampy Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Overall, its just a brutal situation to find yourself in. At least everyone that posts here has gone through it or is going through it. There seems to be a path to follow but of course its easier to talk about it than to follow the path exactly. Case in point: On Tues (today is Thurs) my W was giving me grief about me giving castor oil to our son to help his pooping. Turns out she was right, and I must admit she wasnt trying to enrage me, she was just engaging in a discussion about the constipation issue. Nonetheless, it was an email conversation and I got pretty ticked off. Then she tells me that she cant believe she had an affair and doesnt know what she was thinking and what a terrible way for her to end our relationship. Fine. But then she proceeds to tell me that she should have had the courage to end the relationship like an adult, rather than looking for an affair (I disagree that this is what happened, but shes still in a fog I guess). Anyhow, fine and dandy. Then she proceeds to explain several things in our relationship that were bad and indicative of a failing marriage. She talks about things that happened but distorts them, tells half-truths and exaggerations. Refers to (bad) jokes I made as if they were real statements. Anyhow, this just got me so angry that I could have blown. And I said some angry things to her (within reason). Then of course, later that day, I look on the marriage builders site (not that I'm focused on rebuilding the marriage) and it says that anger is one of the biggest love busters of them all. So I know better. I know that she has to rewrite history to justify her actions. I know I should just be respectful to her, at the very least for the sake of our kids, but god its hard at times like that. I managed to talk to her, via email, yesterday and just talked about our son's 1 yr checkup etc. without emotions. This is a long-winded way of saying that I dont think that you can stick to the gameplan all the time, but try the best you can to stick to it and understand that you are human. I've always believed in the 80/20 rule. That is that you should be a saint 80% of the time and can be a sinner the other 20%. So for instance, eat really healthy 80% of the time and allow yourself bad foods 20%. Or do your recycling 80% of the time etc. etc.. So apply this formula to our situations. Try to stick to your gameplan 80% of the time. Anyhow, apologies for detailing my own situation on your thread, however our situations are paralleling one another, so I thought it appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 Thanks for checking in. By all means talk about yourself too. I think we all help each other here thru sharing our experiences. I am just not in the best of spirits. I guess when i read marriagebuilders advice I feel like we should have been doing that all along. Now so much has happened between H and I that I can't see us being aquaintances. Link to post Share on other sites
Stampy Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I'm with you there. How do you ever go back to having a normal human relationship after all of what goes on? My W actually read the links I sent her and recognizes that she fits the WAW syndrome to a "t". Link to post Share on other sites
Stampy Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 any update on your goings-on? I'm curious. I'll post my own minor update on my thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 How are you?! Thanks for checking in on me. I have decided to take respite at my folks and go back to visit kids on the wkends. It has given me back my sanity and strength. They are able to enjoy a happier me. My H was trying to be snappy when i asked about the kids, i.e. how they were eating, pooping etc...I thought we can at least be open to asking about the kids but he seems to take everything personally like I am accusing him of something. I asked in the most non-threatening simple manner. I didn't feed into his negativity even though he was snappy. My H and his mom took the kids out all day to his sister's even though he knew i was in town to see them. I was really sad packing them all to go and I was not doing family things with them. OW called him on cell b4 they left and H was talking to her. I feel like a complete stranger listening to his conversation with her. He told her he got some brown shoes. Those are only details a SO would care about. I tried not to let all that bother me. My first inclination was to find a friend to go out with and kill time so I wouldn't have to think about everything. But somehow I found the strength to be comfortable with just me. I used that time to bake cookies and cupcakes for the kids. When they got home for dinner I made the best out of the evening. Can't help myself but I had to snoop and saw an email confirmation for flowers on Feb 13. I didn't receive any so I assume OW got something special. Sick sick sick... He also categorizes my emails as "Rants". I really really don't like this guy. Being away has allowed me to see that I have an option. I don't have to like him to be happy! In fact, I am ok most of the time. I even reclaimed my side of the bed. He isn't MAN enough to give me the bed for a wkend. I decided that if he wanted to leave he can do that. It's all psychogical but I was dancing around this guy for the last 3 months. I let him initimidate me b/c I was hurt. Now, I just don't care. My S5 wanted me to see a dvd compilation of his baby videos my H made. It was incredibly sad to see how happy we were at starting this family. How can we go from building dreams to tearing them apart and chopping up this family?? H was busying himself and didn't watch with me and the kids. He should feel like s**t b/c he is. But I held it together b/c I am at a different place than 3 months ago. I am still deeply hurt and wounded but I see the light. Being away has given me that perspective. Why should I be subjected to seeing him date and programming her IPOD and buying her computer accessories from ebay etc... I don't like being disrespected and I don't like him as a person. I have a choice and my choice is to focus on healing me and be the happiest and strongest mom for my kids. I look forward to hearing about you! Keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
debilou Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 You are stronger than me, no way could I live with him while he openly has a relationship with the "home wrecker". A few posts earlier you mentioned the marriagebuilders advice.......it still makes me sad that I couldn't fix things. But you and ME have to know that it takes 2 people to want to fix things. One can't do it. Are you in individual counseling? I don't know how you're staying sane without it? I know I would have commited a horrible crime living with a man treating you the way he is. You MUST have real self dicipline. I don't believe he and the OW will live happily ever after. All the reading I've done states just the opposite. I'm glad you're enjoying good times with your kids. Take care, Debilou Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I have decided to take respite at my folks and go back to visit kids on the wkends. It has given me back my sanity and strength. They are able to enjoy a happier me. Am I reading this right??? You are leaving your kids with your ex during the week and living with your parents?? That will not play out good for you in court, Mum, it looks like you are abandoning them. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I agree...take the kids with you, unless you know for sure the ex won't press for custody. If he wants custody, this situation will likely play out in his favor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Yes, I am staying at my folks during the wk. It is the only way that I have gotten my mental sanity. The kids are fine b/c his mom is taking care of them and they are in daycare & school. I need to do what feels right to survive right now. I know my options but living with crazy H full time was driving me batty. I wasn't productive, eating, or sleeping and my kids were not seeing the best of me in this sitch. I am definitely not abandoning the kids. I just want to do what is right for me at this time. It may not be conventional but I am tired of planning for the future if it is killing me in the present. Oh Debilou, I am doing IC. It helps but sometimes i feel like 45 min go by and I don't know what comes out of it except for me spewing out my brains. I spoke to my IC about her views on DB and she said that she no longer encourages DB b/c she saw that her clients were so hurt emotionally from the constant rejection and was not able to move on. She told me that if I DB last year in June, I might have a chance with my H but at the point when he met both of us in Jan, she said he was far too gone. Unfortunately, I did not recognize that I needed help to that extent at the time and missed the open window. Believe me, I am not holding out for hope but just discussing with her about views on applying DB. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I am definitely not abandoning the kids. I just want to do what is right for me at this time. It may not be conventional but I am tired of planning for the future if it is killing me in the present. I'm sorry, but I disagree with you doing this. It's your business that you choose to do so but I do not think the courts are going to see it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 That will not play out good for you in court, Mum, it looks like you are abandoning them. While that certainly plays within the relamn of possibility, it doesn't fare to well within the relam of probability ~ in that in the vast majority of divorces, the mother ends up with custody 90% of the time, primarly because the father lays down without a contest. With three children under the age of five, and the DH being an MD, and in a full blown affair ~ I don't believe he nor the OW are going to be up with having the children the vast majority of the time ~ it'll crimp and put a damper on the lifestyle the envision. Still its something to take into consideration ~ and to discuss with the legal beagels. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Believe me, it is not easy and i don't love being away from my kids. But given the sitch, having a sane mother is more useful than a nutty depressed one trying to sustain in the same household. I am living for today b/c I have a choice. Btw Gunny, I think he and OW believe they are keeping R under wraps i.e. from office. But who knows for sure? And if it does come out "naturally" as a progression of their "friendship", I believe H feels justified since we are separated and he filed D papers already. Sucks but it's reality. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Am I reading this right??? You are leaving your kids with your ex during the week and living with your parents?? That will not play out good for you in court, Mum, it looks like you are abandoning them. That's what I am thinking too. Always take your kids with you whereever you go or he will eventually start taking them around the OW and she will build a relationship with them. Also you don't want to make it look like you need a break from the kids since you are a stay at home mom. He will use this against you as he has not left once (I don't think) to get a break from the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 I see what you are saying Gunny, but her husband is a real SOB. He doesn't sound like he will lie down and take anything. He has made it clear he wants those kids and is incredibly sneaky. Mum good for you for taking back your side of the bed. Let him sleep on the floor like the dog he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 I see what you are saying Gunny, but her husband is a real SOB. He doesn't sound like he will lie down and take anything. He has made it clear he wants those kids and is incredibly sneaky. Plus, he wants the kids- he's already told her that. I just think this is poor judgment..........but it's not my sitch, it's Mum's. She has a right to do what she wants to do. I wish LJ would ring in on this! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Plus, he wants the kids- he's already told her that. I just think this is poor judgment..........but it's not my sitch, it's Mum's. She has a right to do what she wants to do. I wish LJ would ring in on this! Done. I'm not a legal expert, but I think she's making a big mistake and will probably end up with joint custody at best. She could even end up paying child support with Dad as the custodial parent. He's got the home-field advantage afterall. Failure to cope with emotional issues leaves a parent looking just a little bit hysterical, and courts tend to place kids in the most stable environment. If a status quo has been established and it's working well... more often than not a 'change in circumstances' is going to be required to overturn it. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I've never posted on this thread before but wanted to chime in with this as it fits. I had a co-worker/friend who's H had an internet affair and filed for D. He stressed her out so bad that she moved out and left the kids with him for her sanity. This man didn't feed them on time or take care of most of their physical needs because he had severe depression and an internet addiction. His mother also helped him with the kids. He wanted his kids out of the D. He got them. The judge didn't feel that her moving out to get away from the stress was a good example of a stable parent. I know I am coming in late, but you need to talk to your lawyer NOW and not assume you can think about it later. Get back into the house, he can't kick you out if he hasn't done so legally. My friend was devastated when she lost her kids. She lived for them. And she has to pay child support because SHE was the breadwinner when his addictions stopped him from working. Don't let this happen to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 No, I haven't moved out. I just take a few days off to regroup. Did consult with legal. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 I REVERSE myself ~ something Gunny's just don't do! So its a big deal for me! This is only about the second or third time I've ever done it in my life! The tactical and strategic objective is to get and gain control custody of those babies! By any means necessary! By God! "Gunny's credo ~ " I thought I made a mistake ~ once, but I was wrong!" (Translation ~ we as humans ~ are always f****** up!) Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 No, I haven't moved out. I just take a few days off to regroup. Did consult with legal. Just wanted to come back and apologize for possibly scaring you. Glad you had already discussed with your lawyer. Always good to be *covered* in that way in these instances. Hope the regrouping is helping you. Link to post Share on other sites
mikicmikido Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Hi mum, I am at the start of this scene, so I just spent the WHOLE day reading all 24 pages of your story. I feel for you, really. I want to start by saying that although I don't think that it is the best case scenario for you to live away from the kids during the week, I think that it is absolutely necessary for you from the looks of things. This is the hardest possible situation that we are going through, someone who was supposed to love us forever and grow old with us just seems to have zero to no feelings left and really doesn't seem to care. It is so unfair! But unfair and a token will get you on the subway right? The world just keeps on spinning and is willing to eat you alive it seems if you let up even for a second. As it stands you are about to enter into a highly demanding legal wrangling and you need your confidence, strength and mental prowess. It was starting to deteriorate rapidly the longer you stayed with that man under the same roof. So good for you for taking the steps to rebuild yourself. It is not easy for you to leave your children I am sure. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 Wow, thanks for reading my thread. Sorry you have to be here. But you will get some great advice. I can't believe many of us are in the same boat. Now, I see the patterns and similarities in our stories. I am much better mentally being away from H. Even my therapist and lawyer noticed the positive changes in my attitude and appearance. I may not be following the conventional route but I am doing what I need to at the moment to regain sanity and maintain my strength. When I am back in the house with the kids, I notice H makes snide remarks and gives me an attitude. He is always condescending and makes me feel like I am not doing my job. I guess he was always like that and I never realized how negative that is on my self-esteem. I am now choosing not to be in that situation. I don't understand the courts and how they would look at my sitch and tell me that I am unfit b/c I am not coping well. How do they compare what I have done for my kids in the last 5 yrs to a couple of months given the present circumstances? It is bizzare but i guess if there is money any lawyer will put an argument out there. I realize how much of an a$$ my H is and no matter what happens he is choosing to be a little Man. H has decided to have separate teacher/parent conferences and he does not want to even communicate about the kids school/social schedules and therapy issues. He is trying too hard and doing a one-up for legal documentation purposes. My children will know the truth when the time is appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
mikicmikido Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Mum, It must be horrible to be in the house with him and him just seeming like a stranger even though he isn't. What are the kids feeling through all of this? Surely they are aware that there have been some changes. What is the situation with your lawyer now? Does he/she have a plan? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 I have been keeping a happy face and attitude when I see H and kids. I am especially ecstatic for every moment I spend with the kids. They are ok as they are in school and daycare most of time. I know my kids miss me but given the sitch, it is better I give them a 100% healthy me for half the wk than a down-in-the-dumps mom everyday. I have been GAL and it feels goood! I forgot what my old self feels like. I have been catching up on medical and dental apts., dining out w/ my girlfriends, doing my nails, and putting on contacts and makeup. Strangers have stopped calling me "ma'am". I feel like I have a spring in my walk now. I have felt like a disheveled housewife for so many years. I really understand and empathize with women who talk about losing themselves to their family. It has taken this life altering event to make me realize that I need to take care of myself. It is not selfish but a necessity. If H and I would have retained a little of our "old self" we might not be in this sitch. Wow, life can be so in your face sometimes. Have to admit, the nites are hardest. I feel so flippant sometimes b/c I can have a great day and feel sad at nite even when I am with kids. I guess the nite makes me feel like grieving. But I don't dwell on it as long. My friends are sick of me talking about H. They think it's the same story but different dates and events. I agree so I have decided to limit my venting to them. If they can't understand and I am in a rut it won't help anybody. So I will regroup and think what I am going to do the next day or save it for therapy. I try to laugh more and just enjoy the simple things in life. I am not planning far ahead. Living in the moment is the best coping mechanism right now. Tomorrow is another GOOD day!! Link to post Share on other sites
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