FlyingHigh Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Can this money be taken back out or make him pay thru other settlement pay out like alimony? I heard from some people that educ funds allows you to lock up the money and I would be entitled to it at the end and the pot will be smaller. Gotta ask that question to legal but anyone with suggestions?? That's why you needed to get an attorney as you've been advised repeatedly! Funneling funds legally into the kids college funds is legal just as long as it does not exceed the maximum allowed by the IRS per year. Consider it a good thing as long as he's doing it legally and that will be less money out of your pocket and less for the two of you to argue about down the road. Remember, deposits INTO colllege funds are seperate from child and spousal support as is alimony. His agenda and tactic for doing this is to DECREASE any spousal support you will be entitled to. So don't fret prematurely. Child and spousal support will be determined based on his income PLUS his future bride income (child support). REFOCUS!!! Find a kick azz attorney. And collect documents! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 I think H is going to file for D now. He is totally pissed that I took some money from the accts. I felt like I needed to protect myself while I had the opportunity. Meanwhile, he is the playing with all the accts. He's is full of rage and anger. He needs total control. He cursed me out and slammed his fists on the table. I saw hate and rage in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to strike me. I can't believe he can be so vengeful over money. I already told him that I am not using that money for anything but I don't like him playing around with the funds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 Well, he was so angry when i approached him again to explain it and i told him i would put it back. He was on the phone with the bank and trying to get me off the accounts. I took the phone and he wrestled me. I think the D papers are coming tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 Gosh, I can't believe it would come to this. But now I know that he just thrives on total control and money. I hope we make it thru tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingHigh Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Well, he was so angry when i approached him again to explain it and i told him i would put it back. He was on the phone with the bank and trying to get me off the accounts. I took the phone and he wrestled me. I think the D papers are coming tomorrow. CALL the COPS!!! If he lays a hand on you! This is your opportunity to kick him out!! You've got ONE shot and a very small window opportunity to use the legal system in your favor. Don't blow it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingHigh Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Well, he was so angry when i approached him again to explain it and i told him i would put it back. He was on the phone with the bank and trying to get me off the accounts. I took the phone and he wrestled me. I think the D papers are coming tomorrow. You know what, Mum? You've just proven ONE thing. You've allowed yourself to be intimidated and controlled by him... Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 I know you are scared and hurt right now, but WHY on earth are you trying to take the phone away from him? Why are you entering his personal space in a confrontational manner? You ARE a grown adult right? You DO have kids right? Why are you getting physical with him? Step away! Get some fresh air and cool down. He has no right to become physical with you, but at the same time, you have no right to push him to his limits. You have no right to take the phone away from him. If he wants to call the bank, he has every right to do so. You CANT stop him from doing what he wants to do and you surely will not control him by becoming physical with him. If possible, get a print out of your bank account balances right now, or at the very least tomorrow morning. If you can prove you had x amount of money in the accounts, you can atleast bring that to your lawyer's attention and they can trace the money. He cant hide money if you have proof that it was there. My next step would be a visit to the bank tomorrow and with ALL the accounts, split it equally in half and remove your share into your own account. Dont HIDE your money. Just split it in half and keep note of it. This way, if it does go to court, you can reasonably explain that you wanted to make sure money did not disappear without you knowing about it and you took exactly HALF of your savings. Then let your lawyers/court decide the fair way of splitting your assets. You HAVE to think smart! And getting physical with him and pissing him off is not smart. This is war and you win people over and get them to lower their defenses by being NICE to them. You can secretly hate his guts all you want, but until the divorce is completely settled, you gotta play sweet as sweet can be, then pound him right on the head with the tough stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 Screaming and yelling in my face. Things just escalated. At this point, I don't think we can even be under the same roof for one more nite. I am seeking legal first thing tomorrow. It is getting out of hand. He just wants total control of the money and I have no trust in him b/c he keeps changing things every wk. He told me to take the money and now he is angry about it. But he has been angrier and angrier every wk over the finances. I don't feel safe living with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 How did you ever play it sweet? I feel like we have just gotten to this point b/c I resisted his control so he became angrier each time. There is no going back now. He is filled with rage and I expect the papers tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 I've laid off your thread for the most part because you've been getting such excellenet advice from everyone else and I didn't feel I had anything to contribute! Now I do! You'd best wake the **** up because this BS is actually happening and is actually real! You had best snap out of your cheap ****, because there's fixing to be a real world of hurt coming down on you and yours. The Cindellia story didn't pan out and its never going to pan out! You'd best wake up to the reality of the situation quick, fast, and in a hurry like! I'm not saying you didn't have your faults, and you didn't do your wrongs ~ Hell we've all got out shortcomings, and I've not got the Pope on line nine putting you, nor myself up for Sainthood! You think its bad now! It can and will get much worse! You've not seen "nothing" yet! Its like I use to tell my Marines, when they would tell me "Sorry" during training! When Ahab the Arab is putting an RPG across the front of your nose ~ its too late to say "sorry!" Its time to wake the **** up Princess! This guy is not your friend! He's really trying to screw you! The HARD reality of it is? Your out of gas! He's found someone younger, perker, etc (that hasn't given birth to three children ~ the last one that almost killed you!) that's willing to "OOhhh and Ahhh" his accomplishments! Who's willing to worship his MD degree! Give me an MD and Marine PFC who's willing to throw himself on a gernade for the lives of his buddies ~ and guess which one I will HONOR, RESPECT, REMEMBER THE ~ MOST? Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingHigh Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Screaming and yelling in my face. Things just escalated. At this point, I don't think we can even be under the same roof for one more nite. I am seeking legal first thing tomorrow. quote] This would have been the PERFECT opportunity to have started your legal maneuver against him by kicking him out. But you slept, mauled and DID NOTHING. Now you're shocked and surprised? The fact that you're waiting tomorrow or keep waiting each time to get the nerve to do something, you LOSE the impact and creditt worthiness of the situation. What's next Mum? You talk a good game when it comes to doing something. But when things get hot, you have the "deer in the headlight" look and you freeze in shock with not much accomplished except steps further behind. Like a babe in the woods, you're lost. You cling on to sympathetic readers and pretty much ignore the ugly truth of your situation, what to expect and what you need to do. Meanwhile, your husband is ahead. Good luck Mum. Link to post Share on other sites
Dad_of_3 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 mum, I've been reading over your thread and you certainly are getting the best advice these peple can possibly offer. When it gets into that physical nature in regards to the phone and what not. You do need to call the police. I had a similar incident. I am so ashamed to say, but I was the one who lost control and wrestled the phone off stbxw. She called the police and so she should have. Situations change people. Please oh please take the advice thus far given by these amazing people who have posted and get cracking. No one can take those steps but you. We are all here cheering you on, helping you along as best we can. But when it boils down to it, its steps you need to make. Don't be lulled into the confrontation. Ask him to leave, if he cant, you make the judgement to leave and cool down. It really is time to start doing things smarter. Number one priority is gettng those emotions under control and in check! There is no way should your children see the lose of control from either parent. Be the bigger person, be someone who the kids will look up to and marvel and respect. mum, my best wishes and hope you can see some sanity in this mess. It is only the start, but how you play this hand you got dealt is in your control. Do3 Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 How did you ever play it sweet? I feel like we have just gotten to this point b/c I resisted his control so he became angrier each time. There is no going back now. He is filled with rage and I expect the papers tomorrow. Listen, you cannot control his anger. And the BEST way of getting back is by keeping your cool. You know how frustrating it is to be so pissed off at someone and they maintain their cool? It's like, "wtf, dude, i'm so pissed off at you and you're not even flinching, you're still being calm and collected and now I have to keep my cool it's really hard to do cos i'm pissed off." Instead, if you scream back, you're responding back to them in a way to let them escalate it one step further and back and forth. Dont react. If he starts screaming in your face, you calmly tell him to dont yell in your face and you leave. If he followed, I would have left the house and called the cops. But if I yell back, I have no solid leg to stand on with the cops. Play your cards right! Dont give him ANYthing to use against you! This is not just a one night fight. It'll take atleast months for your divorce to go through. Where I live it's alteast a year before we can start the divorce proceedings. Remember, there's a lot more at stake than money. You have 3 kids too. You cannot afford to get into heated arguments with him. Maintain your integrity and dont get into confrontations with him. You will NOT win that way. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Mum, you keep posting over and over how your H hates you and you can't believe the rage and anger he has for you. That has already been established. You know how he feels about you why are you still surprised by his reaction towards you. My question is why did you tell him you took the money out of the account? Why do you tell him everything you do? He tells you nothing except to leave. I agree with the other poster that said you had no right to get physical with him and wrestle the phone from him. That wasn't going to stop him anyway. If you felt threatened you should have left the house and called the cops. If I felt threatened by a man the last thing I would do is try to wrestle anything from him especially if I thought he was at a point where he may strike me. You are still reacting to your emotions and still in denial about your impending divorce. You said you think "H is going to file for divorce now". Of course he is Mum that's what he has been telling you!!!!! Stop thinking that he is going to come around because he isn't. Like Gunny said, he's found someone younger, perkier and hasn't had 3 kids and she worships him. HE'S GONE AND YOU'D BETTER START ACCEPTING IT AND WAKE UP!!! Why would you tell him you would put the money back? This may be the last bit of money you get until the attorneys get involved. He is not your friend. If you are saying things to him out of spite and anger you can expect this every night (slamming his fists on the table and such). My experience is a person cannot argue by their self. It takes two Mum and I think you are just as guilty because after all the advice you have been given you said the other night you broke rule #4 big time (following him around the house). Why, why, why? You have probably helped your H open up a large can of "whoop ass" on you now. There's no telling what he is going to do after this. As far as him putting money in an educational fund for the kids, like FH said, if it is a legal move then be glad that you will have money down the line for your kids education. Afterall, like I've said before, you have to always put their needs ahead of yours. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Another thing Mum, this "college fund" thing is just the beginning of ways he is going to use to decrease any spousal support. He has been talking to an attorney for a year and you have yet to attain one. If you don't start acting smarter they are going to come up with ways to decrease it to almost nothing and you will have to get a job. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 I'm practically speechless at this point. But here goes... Dgiirl is absolutely right. You had no business getting into his personal space and wrestling him for the phone. You're just fortunate that HE didn't decide to call the cops. If I was him, I would have. The smart money would've been for him to exit the home and call 911 from his cell phone and have YOU put out until a hearing could be scheduled. You got lucky. You two DO NOT have the kind of relationship anymore where you have any say whatsoever about what he does as long as his actions are within the parameters of the law. That ship has sailed. It's reality time. Your anger and affront are no longer valid as actionable. The marriage is OVER. What that means is that you no longer have the luxury of putting your hands on him or following him around in a harassing manner. At this point, he's not appreciably different from any stranger you'd meet on the street. You don't walk up to people you don't know and make demands of them, do you? Exactly the same. This is the thing that just blows my mind. You've more or less stood your ground that this marriage can't be fixed. What did you think that really meant? What did you think the end-product of a decision to divorce would be? The emotional meaning of this kind of division... is that you no longer have ANY rights to your former spouse. You can't tell him what to do. You can't chase him down and give him your opinion. You can't MAKE him do anything he doesn't want to do. And it's pointless to get mad about it. It's a waste of energy. All he has to do for you now is the bare minimum required by law at the settlement table. He owes you NOTHING after that. Did you not understand what you were playing with here? You're still going around acting like you're his wife and he owes you something. But in his mind... he doesn't owe you squat. In his mind, you're not his wife anymore, not in any kind of meaningful way. You're just a former associate with a bad attitude that he's just trying to disentangle himself from. Listen, you've made your own choices all along, even before you came here. Now it's time to deal with the consequences of those choices. You've got three children to think about. My advice to you.... prioritize the needs of your children ahead of everything else. Tailor your divorce to a sound parenting plan. And stop fighting with each other. This thing is over. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Hi Mo3 I too have been following your thread... and have let many others help pave the way with you... as their advise was... well fantastic... But.... holy crap woman! Domestic Violence law/Protocol is pretty standard across North America... What you did could have easily "Totaly Screwed You"!! You could have been arrested...(Assualt) and been removed from your house... with conitions of NO communication directly or indirectly with you husband... or going to your house... which would keep you away from your kids... Also... in situations like this... Childrens Services get involved... and start looking into the situation on how safe/healthy an environment your kids are in.... It would just get worse and worse... Calm the hell down.... cause I promise you this... if you don't and you pull something like this... and stbxh does call the POLICE on you... you will be in the biggest world of misory... with a possible criminal record... I have seen enough cases of Domestic Violence.. Marital Break Up... to give you an honest opinion... it is very ugly... and seeing people crying before... and while on the stand (in court)... sucks.. Play this smart M03... for you... but mainly for your little ones... They want their mom around.... so think of them... focus on them...k.. Be careful... be smart... and get a friken lier.. I mean lawyer... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 screaming & cursing in my face. Will walk away next time. I never saw this side of him. He needs total control of the finances. He has been arrogant about it but now he is flippant. He has frozen everything on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 I am seeking legal first thing tomorrow. How did this go today Mum? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 I met with one of the local bar association committee members. She is very familiar with the court system. When I presented my options to her, she seemed to sway me more to one side or suggest that the court system may rule one way etc.... So while she seemed very competent, I don't know if she is trying to make me meet more middle ground with my H's request. I am not sure if she will give a good fight or she just assumes the court will be more favorable to certain things so we shouldn't try it. Does that make sense?? Her retainer was enormous too. While i think it is worth every penny if they are your full advocate. H says he's filing Monday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 I appreciate the advice. I need to avoid those situations. ILMW, I know ur story and what you do everyday. Thanks for the reminder! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 I think we are both squatting at the home. He refuses to leave and if he files, not sure how spousal support will be. Does it matter what you have as assets? Do they expect you to use your savings to support yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 "All he has to do for you now is the bare minimum required by law at the settlement table. He owes you NOTHING after that. Did you not understand what you were playing with here? You're still going around acting like you're his wife and he owes you something. But in his mind... he doesn't owe you squat. In his mind, you're not his wife anymore, not in any kind of meaningful way. You're just a former associate with a bad attitude that he's just trying to disentangle himself from." I realize this and while it is clearly defined in his head and actions I have not entirely caught up. I now literally stop myself from thinking or doing things for him around the house. When the kids are playing and all seems peaceful...at the time, I have a 5 second lapse about what it felt like to have a husband. The times we shared when we cared about each other and our joy in watching the kids grow up. It takes work for me to block this out when I know D-papers are coming next wk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 Why would you tell him you would put the money back? This may be the last bit of money you get until the attorneys get involved. He is not your friend. If you are saying things to him out of spite and anger you can expect this every night (slamming his fists on the table and such). I told him when he came home from work so that he would not look it up right away and freak. I thought I was being courteous. Somehow, I know he intimidates me and I thought by telling him it would be better than a surprise. Yes, in the past, I have always felt to the obligation or respect of telling him... I didn't say much to him and was just standing there when he went into his tirade looking at the accts. He wanted to be the one to "screen" the money. I actually felt bad about it but I know he's been playing with it weekly and i was afraid he'd freeze everything or liquidate. I kept enough for a legal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mum2three Posted January 20, 2007 Author Share Posted January 20, 2007 Thanks for checking in.. and everyone else (ms. Pixie too!) Link to post Share on other sites
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