I'm drowning....husband wants out

[RecordProducer]

Actually I like LadyJane's theory that love is not either there or not. Something came to my mind this morning and I remembered her post and decided to give a new perspective to it. Very often, we persuade ourselves that the love is there or not and then it comes true. If our mind determines that it's better to be married to this particular person, our heart follows and gives in. It finds all the strength necessary to froget and forgive and work on the relationship.

 

But if our mind tells the heart that this person must be removed, the heart seeks all the all the strength it needs to forget the person and move on. Recently, I've had thoughts about how willing and able we are to get over an ex-lover. I thought it was easy for me the first time so it would be easy every time. But frankly, what made me get over my ex was the realization that I truly am better off wihtout him and that it was stupid of me to love him. Plus he didn't love me when we split so I had no choice

other than to move on.

 

But if my second hsuband dumped me, I am not sure I would get over him just like that or ever, for that matter. My mind tells me that he is the best guy for me and a wonderful person. I would feel like I lost something really valuable. And that won't change in 2 or 12 or 32 years, unless he does something really bad. But let's say that he would ditch me this moment and state that the reason is because we argue sometimes. My first thought and promise would be: "OK, we won't fight anymore, you are right, just please give us a chance!"

 

So if you know that you're married to the right person, but you've made mistakes, you're willing to correct YOURSELF and hope to be the right person for them, too. In my previous marriage, I couldn't correct anything. I knew what my ex wanted, but I just couldn't be what he wanted me to be. And he could never be what I wanted him to be. So even if we ended up together, we could never be happy.

 

This is called "emotional intelligence" - when your mind tells your heart what's best for you. It all boils down to being happy. We should make decisions that will lead us to happiness, not to marriage preservance. Being married per se is neither good nor bad. It depends on how happy the mariage is for everyone included in it (the spouses, the children, and the pets ).

 

Besides, ladyJane, you tried to keep your husband and succeeded. I tried and faild.. thank God!

You don't deserve this BS!

We don't know that!

[Ladyjane14]

I can easily detach from him b/c no one can stay in a loveless relationship. But the kids is a no win. They suffer either way. I haven't figured that part out yet b/c there seems to be no good soln for me right now. I am not ready to part with them even on a 50/50 basis.

 

The reality of the situation is that your children need to be with their father too. Short of repairing the family dynamic, there's nothing else you can do but prepare for this transition in advance. Joint custody is easier on everyone when both parents focus on the needs of the children, without allowing their personal feelings to interfere.

 

Toward that end, I would recommend that you purchase two copies of whatever co-parenting book appeals to you, (I'm sorry, I don't have any titles to offer)... and then give one to your husband. If you two can adopt the same basic parenting strategy, you'll prevent alot of hardship for the kids.

 

He has no clue what I go thru and who I deal with as an employer dealing with the sitters. Many moms will attest that it is very hard to find good long term help. Taking care of kids is hard work and physically demanding. Many of these full time sitters have been there and done that when they were 20 years younger. They all need money and need to rest. No one can do this day in and day out for years even with good money. If there are many families finding this sort of help, then please let me know that secret society. Otherwise, they are probably indentured servants. I feel like one since I don't have the respect or pay and I am not even treated cordially.

 

I know that I can't even do all that physical work now b/c I know my body has limits after carrying his 3 kids for 9 months, pushing them out so forcefully, and then feeling the damaged that it has caused. It seems like people in their 30's are just cranking out those kids one after another. That was my mistake. I didn't give my body a fighting chance and he wanted 3 kids so I said yes. It was easy for him!

 

I'm sorry. I just can't identify with this at all, so I don't know what to tell you.

 

As mothers, we've all made certain physical sacrifices.

There's a price-tag on pregnancy and childbirth. We pay it in blood and scars... like a soldier going to war.

 

You haven't elaborated much on the GYN issues, so I'm not sure what kind of problems you're having which would have allowed for the dissolution of your family dynamic. Speaking only for myself... I'd have accepted surgical treatment before I let it cost me my marriage and family unity.

 

Forgive me that sounds insensitive. Bear in mind that I don't have all the facts, so I can't identify with what you're dealing with.

I'm just having trouble imagining what kind of GYN issue would irreparable enough to cause you to live as a semi-invalid for more than a year. You haven't mentioned any cancer, and I would think that most other problems could be resolved one way or another.

 

I've had at least six surgical procedures myself related to GYN issues, and one virulent infection that nearly took my life. Even as I type, I'm dealing with a situation that will most likely result in yet another GYN surgery. So, I'm well acquainted with the female reproductive system, and I understand how painful and miserable it feels when things are going wrong. You don't have to lay in the floor puking from the pain more than twice before you 'get it', and I've been there.

 

But I've got stuff to do, and people counting on me to do it. Believe me.... there ain't no nanny coming to my house to get it done.

 

What I don't understand, based on your posts, is how these problems have gone unaddressed to the point where your husband, a medical doctor, wants to divorce you.

 

If you followed the links that I gave you earlier, you would've found H2T's threads. They're long, but they give a pretty good picture of what's on a guy's mind when he feels that his complaints aren't ever going to be addressed. He initially coped with that by cheating and then asking for a divorce. Eventually, he realized that what he wanted most was to repair the relationship. By that time, he was willing to work on it with all his capabilities... and still, his wife wouldn't address his concerns.

 

My question to you, Mum... is how did you respond to your husband's complaints before he dropped the D-bomb on you?

 

Now, this may be 'water under the bridge' in light of your most probably outcome... but still, I think the question has merit. Eventually, you're going to want another relationship. A good post-mortem now will pay off for you later. That is, if you're willing to do analysis on both sides of the issue.

 

In the meantime, I think in light of your last two posts... you're best bet is probably Amicable Divorce. You've indicated that you don't feel you have the energy to try for reconcilliation, and that you don't believe you're the right person for your husband anyway.

 

With that in mind, you might want to contact an attorney and get the ball rolling. It will be easier for everyone if you avoid the "pitbull" types and work toward divorce as a GOAL in tandem with your husband. Co-parenting will still require a sense of teamwork at times, so this is as good a time as any to start adopting that mindset.

 

You might consider getting some family counseling too. This kind of specific guidance and support will help make the transition easier on the children, and should alleviate some of your anxieties toward that end.

[Gunny376]

We don't know that!

 

True enough!

[Ladyjane14]

Very often, we persuade ourselves that the love is there or not and then it comes true. If our mind determines that it's better to be married to this particular person, our heart follows and gives in. It finds all the strength necessary to froget and forgive and work on the relationship.

 

But if our mind tells the heart that this person must be removed, the heart seeks all the all the strength it needs to forget the person and move on....

 

This is called "emotional intelligence" - when your mind tells your heart what's best for you. It all boils down to being happy. We should make decisions that will lead us to happiness, not to marriage preservance. Being married per se is neither good nor bad. It depends on how happy the mariage is for everyone included in it (the spouses, the children, and the pets ).

 

Lovely post, RP.

 

While it's true that you can't work it with a defective partner... say, with one with mental instabilities or such as that... it really IS possible to choose with your intellect, and love will most often follow.

 

The heart takes orders from the mind.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry I haven't read this thread before now.

 

Please listen to LJ, she knows what she's talking about.

 

I'd like to add, however, in case anyone did not, that right now he's pushing you. You're not giving in to his demands to leave and get it over with, so he's angry and he's pushing back.

 

Let him push back- but don't react.

 

You're sitting in the cat bird seat sweetie. He wants out of the marriage and if he wants out bad enough he'll give you what you want to get out. Personally, I'd want the house, the car, the kids, half of any money, and alimony and child support. In your sitch you're bound to get alimony.

 

He's delusional if he thinks he can get out of this without giving you anything.

 

Do NOT agree to anything. Let your attorney talk divorce, you only talk reconciliation of the marriage.

 

There is an OW, do not doubt it. He's got all the signs. If you're smart you will document his behavior and hire a PI to get the goods. That may sway your settlement should divorce occur. Right now, you're at war, and you have to protect your children.

 

This guy is such an ******* my blood pressure is up!

[Guest]

I'm sorry I haven't read this thread before now.

 

Please listen to LJ, she knows what she's talking about.

 

I'd like to add, however, in case anyone did not, that right now he's pushing you. You're not giving in to his demands to leave and get it over with, so he's angry and he's pushing back.

 

Let him push back- but don't react.

 

You're sitting in the cat bird seat sweetie. He wants out of the marriage and if he wants out bad enough he'll give you what you want to get out. Personally, I'd want the house, the car, the kids, half of any money, and alimony and child support. In your sitch you're bound to get alimony.

 

He's delusional if he thinks he can get out of this without giving you anything.

 

Do NOT agree to anything. Let your attorney talk divorce, you only talk reconciliation of the marriage.

 

There is an OW, do not doubt it. He's got all the signs. If you're smart you will document his behavior and hire a PI to get the goods. That may sway your settlement should divorce occur. Right now, you're at war, and you have to protect your children.

 

This guy is such an ******* my blood pressure is up!

 

 

 

 

 

I went through the same thing, my x husband gave me the same attitude, and I felt helpless. Bottom line was that he finally picked up and left for good...

I do have two children by him. It has been 5 years since then and today I feel like I am the happiest woman in this planet. I met a wonderful person and when I look back at things I realize what a real jerk he is and found out he has had 3 misserable relationships that never worked because he is a serial cheater. Well he did me a HUGE favor and I am happy to be out for good.

[RecordProducer]

He wants out of the marriage and if he wants out bad enough he'll give you what you want to get out. Personally, I'd want the house, the car, the kids, half of any money, and alimony and child support. In your sitch you're bound to get alimony.

Alimony, yes. But if he is not willing to give up the house and pay child support, he may easily request custody and feel good about his fatherhood plus retain the house and the money. He can hire a nanny and feel like he did the best thing. This is what my ex would have done if he wanted to keep any assets - he would have faught for custody and present me as the worst mother ever. Luckily, we didn't have any assets to share.

 

She may lose the kids and the house. She needs to explore the terrain thoroughly and NOT reveal her cards. By demanding to keep everything, she will make him seek ways to win. It's not in her interest to show anger straight away and risk to lose.

 

Regarding joint custody, if he is not a dedicated father, there is no point in giving him 50% of parental rights. Each by their own merit; the good parent should take care of the kids.

 

He's delusional if he thinks he can get out of this without giving you anything.

That's true, but sometimes you need to play dirty even to get justice. If she angers him, SHE will be the one to take the punches together with the kids. Not you, not me.

 

There is an OW, do not doubt it

Well, we don't really know that.

 

hire a PI

PIs cost a lot of money and she probably doesn't have it. She can discover the truth in other ways.

 

The heart takes orders from the mind.

Ain't that great? If you think about all the power we (our minds) actually have over our feelings, it means we can resist our primitive urges and enjoy love without suffering.

[Mz. Pixie]

Alimony, yes. But if he is not willing to give up the house and pay child support, he may easily request custody and feel good about his fatherhood plus retain the house and the money. He can hire a nanny and feel like he did the best thing. This is what my ex would have done if he wanted to keep any assets - he would have faught for custody and present me as the worst mother ever. Luckily, we didn't have any assets to share.

 

She may lose the kids and the house. She needs to explore the terrain thoroughly and NOT reveal her cards. By demanding to keep everything, she will make him seek ways to win. It's not in her interest to show anger straight away and risk to lose.

 

He can request anything but that doesn't mean he will get it. This woman has been the primary caretaker of these kids- while he was off playing doctor literally and figuratively.

 

I doubt there's a court in the US who would give him custody, unless she can be proven an unfit mother- which she surely doesn't sound like.

 

No, we do not know he's having an affair, but I'd stake my steak dinner on it tonight that he is!

[RecordProducer]

He can request anything but that doesn't mean he will get it. This woman has been the primary caretaker of these kids- while he was off playing doctor literally and figuratively.

 

I doubt there's a court in the US who would give him custody, unless she can be proven an unfit mother- which she surely doesn't sound like.

 

No, we do not know he's having an affair, but I'd stake my steak dinner on it tonight that he is!

Would you stake your children, too, that he has no chance to get custody? Maybe he won't even try, but right now she doesn't know if he will. A custody battle is never to be taken lightly. If he decides to take the kids, he will go to the farthest extents to prove that she is a bad mother, even if that involves bringing false witnesses, evidence against her, and lying.

 

I am not saying she WILL lose her kids. I am saying she MIGHT lose her kids. And if that happens, her life will be ruined. Only because she asked for the house and everything in the first place.

 

Mum, I think you should ask him about his plans. Actually you didn;t state if the house is yours too, if you can pay mortgage (if any) and how things stand, but it's none of our business to advise you legally. Talk to a lawyer. You need him more than Loveshack right now.

 

Don't do anything that you might later regret. My ex didn't mind me taking the kids to the US, but after some little argument he had with my mom, all of a sudden, he decided that he was keeping the kids and I should go by myself. Mind you, I've had the kids for 7 years, but suddenly he decided I was a bad mother and they would be better off with him.

 

I was preparing myself for months for how to present the case at the center of social work and get their signature and take the kids with me. Turned out, the embassy didn't want his signature, because I already had custody. But had I told him this, he would have sued me for custody and possibly won. I would have lost my kids or simply not moved to the US to be with my new husband because of that. I said nothing to him, I even lied to the kids because I knew they would transmit every word to him. So he thought I wasn't moving anytime soon.

 

I had the medical exams and interview at the embassy in two days and left the country. We also did other things to prevent him from stopping us at the border, I won't go into details here. Anyway, my whole point is: all I did was completely LEGAL from every single aspect. But he could've taken some also very legal steps and ruined my plans.

 

I succeeded because he didn't know what was going on. I acted as if he had all the chances to win and take my kids away from me. That's why I WON! I over-estimated my enemy and protected myself 100%. Never under-estimate your enemy and count on your victory in advance! Apply this philosophy in whatever case where you have an enemy and you enhance your chances to win.

[mum2three]

I didn't think my thread would create all this chatter. But I am grateful for any advice and fire needed now. I need to talk to some legal people. I wish I was all clear about what I wanted. I know I need more time to face this before rushing to the big D.

 

Today, I scanned the credit card bills and saw that he ordered some expensive flowers this month. I didn't say anything to him but I have to admit it still bothered me. I wish it didn't with everything that I know now but my spirit was down. I did go out with some friends tonite and that helped alot. But I can't say that I am not curious about who they were for since I didn't receive any.

[Gunny376]

Hate to be the one to break the news to you!

 

There's not any:

 

Santa Clause

Tooth Fairy

Easter Bunny

 

You're going to have to get proactive ~ not re-active! You're not some junk yard dog, getting his or her chain and choke collar jerked!

 

Its time to lawyer "up"

 

Otherwise your on the Highway to Hell!

[mum2three]

The communication was obviously broken down on both sides. I felt resentful that he wasn't supportive so I decided that I just needed to focus on phys. therapy and time to heal. But all that said and done, this resentment was not addressed on both sides. We didn't find an effective way to bridge that. And pain didn't make me a nice person at the time.

 

I just thought that when I was better we can go and deal with everything. It never crossed my mind that he would not be able to be there when things were looking up. It just all caved in and collapsed. I guess our marriage was like a temite infested tree. The inside was eating away but the outside looked fine and strong. With the windstorm, it just blew over.

[mum2three]

Glad you chimed in. I felt your energy with your posts and feel akin to your 3 kids situation. I hear you when you miss them and how difficult it is sometimes. I just see that I have to live thru this even though I am reading all about it here. Gunny is sure kickin' me in the butt. Intellectually, I know there is a 3rd party but when he vehemently denies it I tend to hang onto the old H, the one I trusted.

 

But you're right, need to take care of me and the kids. My mind is distracted when I am thinking about this. I really can't get into the spirit of xmas. I wrapped up gifts with no zeal for my kids. I am not eating or sleeping well. Lost 9 lbs. since thanksgiving. Need to just put him out of mind and get some crap done.

[Ladyjane14]

The communication was obviously broken down on both sides.

 

So, what are you going to do about that, Mum?

 

You know, even if you decide that divorce really is the best option... you've still got three kids to raise with this guy.

 

It seems to me that the communication issues will need to be resolved either way you go. Otherwise, you're looking at a pretty miserable situation for everyone involved.

[mum2three]

I don't know what to do about it. If we don't communicate with a 3rd party right now it will just be explosive and ugly. He has said some pretty cruel things this wkend. I don't even go there with him. I was too flabbergasted to respond at some of his comments.

 

Tell u the truth, I don't know what to do. He does not want to go to private counseling for himself. He just thinks that if he gets rid of me then the problems are solved.

[Mz. Pixie]

Would you stake your children, too, that he has no chance to get custody? Maybe he won't even try, but right now she doesn't know if he will. A custody battle is never to be taken lightly. If he decides to take the kids, he will go to the farthest extents to prove that she is a bad mother, even if that involves bringing false witnesses, evidence against her, and lying.

 

I am not saying she WILL lose her kids. I am saying she MIGHT lose her kids. And if that happens, her life will be ruined. Only because she asked for the house and everything in the first place.

 

 

I'd have to take a chance. I would not let him railroad me after all of that. I still somewhat have faith in the legal system here in the US and I know that a good cut throat attorney does wonders. And if I lost the first time, I'd go again. I'd take a second or third job if I had to to pay the legal bills. Just because he has money doesn't mean he can perform miracles. True, he could bring in people to lie for him, but how many people want to do that for a guy who's cheated on his wife who has supported him after all these years? She's starts exposing him for a cheater the percentage of people who are going to back him up may decrease and it could bring people to her defense.

 

Besides, if she presents him with papers and he knows she's serious perhaps he may soften a bit and decide he doesn't want to give up HALF and that he'll mend his ways???

 

She needs to protect herself and from what she's posted she seems like a good wife and mother and I hate to see this guy treating her like this. He sounds so damn arrogrant it makes my blood boil!

 

She deserves the house and 50/50 custody, alimony and child support IMO. The guys a doctor and can afford to screw around, he can afford to give her the house. The cheater should leave, IMO.

 

She should see an attorney to protect herself. That doesn't mean she has to file, but she should be prepared just in case he does.

[Mz. Pixie]

He just thinks that if he gets rid of me then the problems are solved.

 

They all think that Mum. That's part of the cheaters dictionary.

 

Just so you know, I've been the cheater before- that's what I'm basing my opinion on.

[Gunny376]

As far as the "not sleeping" goes, go to WalMart in the vitamin and herbal section, and get some 3mg Melatonni. Its over the counter, non-addictive. It the hormone that your body naturally produces to regulate your sleep cycle. The bottle says to take one, but you'll have to experiment with it to find the right amount per your own needs. I wouldn'ttake more than two or three. Make sure you don't get the mmg's.

 

Seems to be you're suffering from the maritial equivalent of "combat fatigue" thing is you cannot afford to lay down. You may suffer from the sympthoms of DST later on, but you've got to get up and move now, and get your wits about you, and get your act together or your going to get your ass handed to you on a platter, curtosiy of your DH. This isn't a play,and its not a rehearsal ~ its real life and its happening in real life and in real time to you! The time to get real about your life is right here and right now. I don't care how you do it, but you'd best be getting your head and ass wireed together and your act together.

 

It doesn't matter what it is that happens to you ~ what matters is what are you going to do, and doing about it, and your perspective about it! That's what matters. Sitting around thinking and talking about it ~ isn't getting it done. And, what needs to be done is your looking out for your own self interest and the interest of your children.

 

Leave it up to your DH, and your going to be sleeping in a hollow log, drinking muddy water, and eating road kill for supper!

 

Bottom line is the DH has another woman in the wings, ready to enter stage right as you exit stage left from the scene, and the only thing he wants to change is you out of the picture. That's the reality of the situation.

 

He doesn't just want to replace you as a wife ~ but as the mother of your children. That's my call on the ball!

[RecordProducer]

Expensive flowers that you never got... I guess we all know what it means. Mz. Pixie was right. Frankly, we all knew this was the reason, but were trying to spare you, because it doesn't really matter WHY he is leaving.

 

If I were you, I would try and find out more about this woman. It will give you another perspective of your break up and material to think about when dealing with issues. E.g. if this woman is broke, you'll know that he won't be willing to leave the house and everything to you.

 

Actually, it's good that he has another woman, because the chances for him to ask for custody are slim. The other woman, be it a mother of 4 or a childless girl, will most likely NOT be thrilled to take care of three kids ages 2-5. Even if she would accept them, it won't be long before she kicks them out.

 

I know how you feel right now: the whole world is falling apart. That's normal and we all felt like that. Your home is breaking apart and you're vulnerable, because you are unemployed and have three little children.

 

But trust me, you'll be fine. Kids grow up fast and before you blink, they become independent. You'll get a jobn, you'll have chiuld support from him, you'll get over, meet another guy, and enjoy life more than ever. Now it seems like it's not what you want and you couldn't possibly be happy no matter how things develop. But believe me, in a few years from now, you won't be able to imagine this kind of life that you have now. You will be happy that things turned out the way they did.

 

I, just like you and many other women, couldn't conceive that my sons would not grow up with a father in a two-parent household. I couldn't conceive that he abandoned us as if we're garbage, not the people he was supposed to love most. I couldn't conceive that the man I was so in love with didn't want me in his life. And he was also rude and insensitive. I think that comes from guilty consciousness. But I was happy to raise my kids with my mom and without him, I managed on my own, I got over, I met someone else, and now my kids live in a two-parent household with a daddy that loves them more than their own father.

 

You think this can't happen to you? It CAN. And it probably will. It happens to divorced women all the time, I am no exception from any rules. This pain you're feeling is only temporary. Things will get better and better and you'll be happy again. Accept that right now you don't know what to do and you're down. But a "magic hand" will rescue you from the misery. And the magic hand is the strength you will gain with time.

 

Right now you're all miserable because you assume that you will not be happy if you get divorced. But your assumption is wrong. You WILL be happy. You will find ways to make yourself happy. It's when we reach the bottom that we start taking life in our hands and making huge progress. Be excited about meeting someone new, someone better than your husband. Now that you're burned, you'll make better choices.

 

Be excited about going back to work instead of doing boring physical work with an idle mind every day. Be excited about your kids growing up; in 5 years they will not depend on you physically, not even 10% of how much they depend now. They will be your best friends and they will be just yours. I think this was one of the best gifts of my divorce for me - that I got to enjoy my children without the interference of my ex, without trying to put HIM on the same priority list, without sharing them with him, even though he was seeing them very often. Also, he was a great baby-sitter when I needed one.

 

Immediately upon his departure, you will feel the relief of his absence. There will be no more running around the house to please him. You won't have to cook or do laundry when you don't feel like. You can put your profile on a dating site and start meeting interesting guys. Actually, you can do that right now, cuz your marriage is over according to him and obviously he didn't have a problem dating other women.

 

Well, I hope I pumped up your faith a little bit. Don't worry, everything will be alright.

[Gunny376]

Good post PR!

 

Hell! That got me fired up and motivated!

[RecordProducer]

I don't know what to do about it. If we don't communicate with a 3rd party right now it will just be explosive and ugly. He has said some pretty cruel things this wkend. I don't even go there with him. I was too flabbergasted to respond at some of his comments.

 

Tell u the truth, I don't know what to do. He does not want to go to private counseling for himself. He just thinks that if he gets rid of me then the problems are solved.

Private counseling for himself? Frankly, it's none of your business what he does with himself anymore. Don't waste your energy on trying to fix HIM, look out for yourself. You need the energy to win this battle so don't concentrate on the irrelevant things.

 

The communication will change as things settle down. My ex and I were in very bad terms after we split, but became friends later. We argued sometimes about the kids and the methods of raising them, but we would always get back to normal, which was friendly relationship. As the anger toward each other vanished, we became able to communicate nicely. I learned that if I asked him kindly, he would do ANYTHING for me. But that didn't happen right after the divorce nor was I capable of being nice to him at that time.

 

I am amazed by how you handle the situation. Your instincts are wise and make you treat him with respect. You're doing fine so don't start making the mistake that all women (or most of us) made: show anger, jealousy, fight, threaten, scream, call names... stay civil no matter how much you want to poke his eyes out. You will be in a much better position if you can control your nerves. You will be able to manipulate him and get what you want. If you lose it, you will expose all your weaknesses.

 

He is not your friend so be very careful. He wants to screw you up so play it wisely, just like you have so far. I know it's very hard. But if you show your anger, he will panick and do something stupid, something against you. You have to make him do something stupid against himself! Show your power with your actions, not with your words. The angry one loses the game so let HIM be angry. You stay calm and work for yourself.

 

I'd have to take a chance. I would not let him railroad me after all of that. I still somewhat have faith in the legal system here in the US and I know that a good cut throat attorney does wonders.

Faith in the legal system is not a good starting point. Faith in yourself and your own wise actions IS. A good cut-throat attorney that does wonders costs a lot of money. The statistics state that most fathers don't pay the child support imposed by the judge at all! So much for the legal system.

 

And if I lost the first time, I'd go again. I'd take a second or third job if I had to to pay the legal bills.

If she loses the kids, it will take years before she can get them back. If she takes a second or a third job now (mind you, she doesn't have a first job right now), it will prevent her from being a good mom and only help her lose the kids if the case gets to court.

 

True, he could bring in people to lie for him, but how many people want to do that for a guy who's cheated on his wife who has supported him after all these years? She's starts exposing him for a cheater the percentage of people who are going to back him up may decrease and it could bring people to her defense.

He has his parents on his side and his mistress. In most cases, it's his word against hers. While she will state the true facts, he may present her as a lazy bitch that couldn't take care of her own kids. The judge may think that if this man loves his kids so much that he is willing to take care of them, he must be a great father. And he might be telling the truth about their mother. He might say that she wants to keep the kids just out of revenge. And he might even say that he is divorcing her BECAUSE she is not a good mother and he wants to save the kids from her. He cheated but he is leaving his wife and he wants the kids. You can cheat on your husband then dump him and say that he was a lousy husband and a lousy father and you deserve to take the kids with you. Everybody will believe you. Besides, he will present his girlfriend as an angel that will take good care of them in a two-parent household.

 

He will go to these extents if he wants the kids. We don't even know if he wants them. But maybe he will be more motivated to want them if she tells him that she wants the house. Let's see first what HE wants. Revealing HER cards before he reveals his is not a good idea. She needs to have all the options available and choose the one that suits her best. If she demands everything right away, she will force him to do something that he may not have done had she kept her mouth shut.

 

 

Besides, if she presents him with papers and he knows she's serious perhaps he may soften a bit and decide he doesn't want to give up HALF and that he'll mend his ways???

Or get really angry and fight with all he has.

 

She needs to protect herself and from what she's posted she seems like a good wife and mother and I hate to see this guy treating her like this. He sounds so damn arrogrant it makes my blood boil!

Blood boiling and impulsive decisions are NOT what she needs right now. She needs a cold head to deal with this.

 

She deserves the house and 50/50 custody, alimony and child support IMO. The guys a doctor and can afford to screw around, he can afford to give her the house. The cheater should leave, IMO.

I agree. But there is a long bridge between what she deserves and what she will get.

 

She should see an attorney to protect herself. That doesn't mean she has to file, but she should be prepared just in case he does.

And I agree again.

He doesn't just want to replace you as a wife ~ but as the mother of your children. That's my call on the ball!

This is my worst fear about the situation and that's why I think she should play it smart rather than jump into the fire. She has more than money to lose. She can lose the kids. And just because she deserves the kids doens't mean she will get them. I think his arrogance comes from the idea that he doesn't expect from HER to take care of his kids, he wants them for himself. She said HE wanted 3 kids in a row, which means they were and are important to him. Hopefully his GF won't want his kids.

[mum2three]

It just seems ridiculous how hateful or spiteful he is right now. I don't even feel hate towards him as a person but I really don't know who he is right now. Maybe he needs every justification that OW is good for him and that he is doing this for the good of the family in the future.

 

I just dont see any reason for ripping me apart. There are many character flaws that he has but I didn't bring them up b/c it's a moot point right now. We both feel that we have given up too much. I don't have any reasons to hide from anyone. He is just so bent on hating me and he is the one with questionable OW.

[ilmw]

Hate to be the one to break the news to you!

 

There's not any:

 

Santa Clause

Tooth Fairy

Easter Bunny

 

 

What...!!!

 

Damn... yah learn something new everyday.. :lmao:

[ilmw]

It just seems ridiculous how hateful or spiteful he is right now. I don't even feel hate towards him as a person but I really don't know who he is right now. Maybe he needs every justification that OW is good for him and that he is doing this for the good of the family in the future.

 

I just dont see any reason for ripping me apart. There are many character flaws that he has but I didn't bring them up b/c it's a moot point right now. We both feel that we have given up too much. I don't have any reasons to hide from anyone. He is just so bent on hating me and he is the one with questionable OW.

 

It is all about him... what he wants... and making himself hate you makes it easier on him... to justify what he is doing... (being a *uck*ng prick)

 

You stand tall lady.... cause No... you nor noone else deserves this treatment..

 

keeping walking with grace.... and don't put up with his crap...

 

Good luck to you... (stay strong... )

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

MzPixie said earlier that you're in "the catbird seat", Mum. That's true in alot of ways... but, you still don't have the bargaining power that you could have.

 

The way to get that power is much as I told you in the beginning... You need to know EVERYTHING.

 

You need to know if he's seeing someone, and if so... you need to know who that person is. And you'll need to search for this information in complete stealth. Keep his attention focused on something else while you do it.

 

Once you have all the information, the playing board is TILTED in your favor. Right now, you're still stumbling around blind-folded.

 

If it was me, I'd be sweet as pie... 'Plan A' all the way. I'd keep his attention on my requests for marital counseling. I'd let him believe that I'd completely bought into his version the story. I'd apologize for letting his needs go unmet. I'd wring my hands and act like I didn't know what the hell to do next.

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch... I'd be digging into every scrap of information I could find looking for clues. I'd hire a PI if I could do it without him catching me, and I'd see an attorney covertly. I would plan my trap to the last detail, and when he was ready to make a move, I'd spring it.

 

Believe me when I say.... by the time I got through, he'd be ready to talk. He would suddently find good communications with ME to be of utmost importance to him.

 

Like I said earlier, sometimes we don't have time to indulge in our own hurt feelings. It interferes with our logic.