I am so Upset!

[ahsumgurl909]

I was suppose to get off of parole on the 8th of this month but because my so called best friend wanted to act like someones mother and call the police on me and my boyfriend and lie and say we were using drugs because she hates my BF. The police told my PO about the call and he is not going to let me off. 12 years on parole for one conviction. Out the door for nothing Im so crushed!!

[Mythical]

I was suppose to get off of parole on the 8th of this month but because my so called best friend wanted to act like someones mother and call the police on me and my boyfriend and lie and say we were using drugs because she hates my BF. The police told my PO about the call and he is not going to let me off. 12 years on parole for one conviction. Out the door for nothing Im so crushed!!

 

Im sorry that's ****ty.

Did they beleive her without prove? What are you on parole for?!

That's not fair to you if it wasn't true how can they get away with that without proof?

[blind_otter]

Wouldn't they drug test you first? I've known a lot of people on parole. I'm just saying.

[ahsumgurl909]

I had a recent relapse and my roommate went snooping through my room and found my pipe. Meth and she flipped out. THing is this to know me is to know my pain I have tried to clean up again. I just cant seem to shake it. Been through all the programs and everything. know all the rules did my steps. But the pains of my past present kill me inside. I been through a lot. I try to keep myself medicated most of the time. 30 years of addiction and Im tired. My thing is this I was clean and sober when she made that call and now im screwed. because I was so pist off and hurt about the whole deal I did alittle last night. LAME I know and it dont even work anymore.

[blind_otter]

I understand your pain, as much as you think other people can't. I've had a past filled with incidents that are very negative and had longterm consequences. I spent all of 2005 high on cocaine. And I spent all my money.

 

Treatment programs don't help if you are self-medicating. You need to get to the root of the problem and find a way to move past the negativity of your past.

 

Being pissed off and hurt isn't an excuse to use. There are other options out there and to be honest, your roomie has a right to live in a drug free house if she wants to.

 

Look, we've all been through a lot. Some more than others. But it's not written anywhere that life is fair. It's not. It sucks. The only thing in your control is how you choose to react to life. Take control.

[Sunluvr]

I am new here, forgive me for jumping in and not introducing myself first. This topic really hits home though. I live with a spouse that used for the majority of our marriage. I didn't find out about his cocaine abuse until we had been married for 2 years and I was pregnant with our first child. Needless to say, it was a rough marriage, since I don't use drugs and never have, nor ever will.

 

I prayed for him, went to meetings, threw him out, the works to "make" him come clean to save our marriage. Nothing worked. His drug abuse burnt out a part of my spirit that I hope one day I will find again.

 

Drugs distroy you and everyone around you. It is pure evil. I honestly hope that you find the strength to pick yourself up and move ahead. Please don't make excuses to yourself, of how it is ok, it isn't. You deserve better.

[ahsumgurl909]

I could feel that way about myself I truly do. And I have at some points in my life but most of my life I have felt Unloved, Unwanted, Unneeded, And I dont understand why I was even born. My life was the all american dream up until I was 8 years old and my Mom left my father for a man she met at work. I have 6 brothers and 1 sister all older then me. None of them wanted me around after that my dad was a basket case. He kept me with him for a very short amount of time. Which we spent a majority of that time in a bar.

 

Watching my Dad go from the coolest Dad around to a broken drunk of a soul took its toll on me. As well as the foster homes, girls homes and running away did. Being the youngest of the 8 kids I feel like these people are not even my family. I was seperated from them for over 20 years. And recently was reunitied with them. You can tell they are being phony and nosey and thats about it. But there is much more pain then that. To long to post but yeah when Im high I forget about all the meaningful things and the not so meaningful things.

 

When Im high it dont matter nothing does. just one single thing and its easy and carefree. I HATE IT and I love it at the same time. I dont know, any input on this?

[blind_otter]

I could feel that way about myself I truly do. And I have at some points in my life but most of my life I have felt Unloved, Unwanted, Unneeded, And I dont understand why I was even born.

 

I have felt this way as well. This was part of the reason I turned to drugs, to numb the pain.

 

We all have a long story about the bad sh*t that has happened to us, ahsum. If you've ever been to an AA meeting, some of those stories put everyone in the room to shame because there was SO much bad, SO much pain. I go sometimes to remind myself that I am not the only person in the world who has suffered traumas. I could go into details, too, but the idea is to not allow yourself to focus so much on the negativity of the past.

 

The most successful people learn how to frame failure and setbacks as learning experiences rather than as things that impact their self-esteem.

 

When Im high it dont matter nothing does. just one single thing and its easy and carefree. I HATE IT and I love it at the same time. I dont know, any input on this?

 

Well it's easier to run away from your problems in the short-term, but hurts you very very much in the long run.

 

Tackling your issues head on -- well I can tell you as I go through that right now that it's extremely difficult in the short-term, but the long-term benefits are just too good for me to pass up.

 

The sober life is beautiful. You get to wake up every day and you know who you are. You acknowledge the darkness of the past but instead of weakening you -- you let it make you stronger.

 

There is the heart of a lioness in every woman. Don't let the drug abuse kill your soul.

[Sunluvr]

That post before was so dead on.... I hope you saw it.

 

Ashur- you are so worth it. You have a kind spirit, I can tell and you are also a sensitive person. When you look in the mirror start telling yourself one thing you like about yourself instead of what you don't like. Believe it or not it does work and your self-esteem will rise. This will not cure your addiction but I was you to start at the beginning- where you think you are worth saving.

[ahsumgurl909]

I have felt this way as well. This was part of the reason I turned to drugs, to numb the pain.

 

We all have a long story about the bad sh*t that has happened to us, ahsum. If you've ever been to an AA meeting, some of those stories put everyone in the room to shame because there was SO much bad, SO much pain. I go sometimes to remind myself that I am not the only person in the world who has suffered traumas. I could go into details, too, but the idea is to not allow yourself to focus so much on the negativity of the past.

 

The most successful people learn how to frame failure and setbacks as learning experiences rather than as things that impact their self-esteem.

 

 

 

Well it's easier to run away from your problems in the short-term, but hurts you very very much in the long run.

 

Tackling your issues head on -- well I can tell you as I go through that right now that it's extremely difficult in the short-term, but the long-term benefits are just too good for me to pass up.

 

The sober life is beautiful. You get to wake up every day and you know who you are. You acknowledge the darkness of the past but instead of weakening you -- you let it make you stronger.

 

There is the heart of a lioness in every woman. Don't let the drug abuse kill your soul.

 

 

It sucks I feel like its to late for my soul to be saved. Im hurting so bad right now. I have turned into this lowlife scumbag that I have never been before in my life during my drug use. I pawned my rings and they are so sentamental to me to. I will never be able to get them back. I lost my job too. I am so ready to just take a huge dose and end it all. I hate myself for failing those who love and care about me for a few and I mean a few intamate moments of feeling special. And the messed up part is I know I mean absolutly nothing to this man.

 

My lights are getting shut off today and my phone and internet too. Why continue on this way. there is no hope for me. This is how my life was meant to be fore some God awful reason. I just cant take it anymore. Thanks you all for being here for me I have been on this site for many years. A few different names but the same person all together.

[Sunluvr]

Is there anyone you could call? I am frightened for you. Please don't end it all... there is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise. You just have to look for it. It is ok that you have made mistakes. It isn't too late to correct them..Anyone that truly loves you will put it behind them and move forward. Yes, you may have to earn your trust back with some - but it is possible. Don't give up. That isn't the answer either.

[ahsumgurl909]

I cant stand the fact that I know your right and I have to be the strong woman I always have been. Otherwise I wouldnt be here right now. As bad as my life has been for the past 2 decades. I know I can pull myself through this. I just hate the thought of doing good again and just coming back to this after a while because i get to much on my plate. The more times I fall the harder it is to get back up and the more times I fall the harder I fall. ARRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH:mad:

[Sunluvr]

Sorry if I have angered you or if I have come off as being judgemental, I apologize, that was not my intention at all. I am sure it is difficult at times. Maybe if you concentrate on the good things in your life the negitive wouldn't drag you down so much?? I am just asking... I have never been addicted to anything other then cigarrettes (which I quit a year ago) but I know it is evil.

 

I still crave it and sometimes, if I have had a bad day, or if I've had a really good one, the craving just hits me out of the blue. I suppose that is what it is like? It seemed to be that way for my ex. I just wanted to try to help you, if I could by sharing my experience. I wish you the best my friend. Just know that if you "give" it to God, and let Him fight your demons, anything is possible. Merry Christmas and I hope this new year brings you much needed rest from your struggles and understanding from your friends and loved ones.

[ahsumgurl909]

I am greateful for your well wishes. Same to you. I am so bad off at this very moment. My Bf is the cruelest man to walk this earth. He knows adore him yet he is just the most heartless man ever. My heart hurts so bad right now I wish I could rip it from my chest.!!

[Guest]

Speaking of meds,

not sure about your situation but u know my offer from the summer still stands regarding dental and meds ok?

just letting u know again

[Sunluvr]

I have been out of tough. The holiday has been hectic. I hope that you and your boyfriend made up or resolved your differences and you had a good Christmas. Send us all a message to let us know how you are doing. I remember they can be especially trying or recovering addicts. I hope you were able to stay clean. Best of luck my friend. Hope to hear from you soon.

[ahsumgurl909]

No I was not angry I am grateful for all input on here thats why I love LS. People can be bluntly honest and they dont know you so they will be and people need that in order to wake up in certain situations.

 

I am going to make it I am determend to do so. I have been dragged through the gutter many times in my 43 years of life and have made it through. Im just tired of going around the same dumb mountain. (Joyce Meyers) lol.

 

I do know the Lord and I know he loves me no matter what. I just feel like I have been satans slave for so long that he will win me over every time because of my (take the easy way out) stinkin thinkin. I can only pray that it wont happen again but its scary. Im tired of going back and forth and breaking Gods heart. I hate myself for that! But hey Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am grateful for any input good, bad, or indifferent!!

 

Happy New Year!

 

Lori

[jetsetjessica]

I think I know exactly how you feel. Being high makes everything go away. Someone said "yea but it'll make it worse in the long run". You know that but yet it doesn't matter. You also feel like you let yourself down, probably especially at times when you are able to get a little distance from yourself. When you see what you are, you get sad and you get mad, and you don't think there's any way it'll ever end. You are wishing it would, but at the same time you feel you don't deserve to recover.

 

Does any of that ring true to you?

 

I'm a meth addict and I completely understand, at least I think I do.

 

You want to stop using and for your life to get better, but no matter what, it's still easier not to. It'll always be easier to go downhill than it is to go uphill. I haven't found the willpower to begin the hike up from rock bottom yet, for me I still am only willing to do the easier choice. But one day soon I'm hoping I will be able to. And I hope you are able to also. I think just understanding the things you are feeling in words and getting a grasp on that might help you get closer to making the choice to quit. If you get a little free time, or just end up spun with nothing to do, pick up paper and a pen. Write down your feelings concerns goals wishes and thoughts. I find it really works better if you do it high. But read that every day. It'll seem stupid but one day it'll help I know it wil. It helped me for a while, but I didn't have the willpower to stay that way. Hopefully you do, and good luck hun. <3

[ahsumgurl909]

Yeah you hit it right on the head. Specially with this guy he has torn me down to the ground. Im in a lot of pain even the Meth dont help anymore. and its depressing. I have been somebody I truly am not in my heart recently. But feel unworthy of being who I know I can be. Like Im afraid of failing again and I feel I deserve this crap for the people I hurt and ****.

 

I have been hurting inside for so long it was weird when I had received Christ in my life last year I felt odd in a way because I was so happy. And then satan was pist because I turn away from him and he threw the bait out there and I fell for it like the weak ass biotch I am. I hate myself for that. Because I was saved from the pits of hell and chose to head back!!! WHY? I wish I knew. I just don't understand why many people like us choose to take the wrong path seriously I feel now ashamed to ever ask God to forgive me in fear I will turn away from him again.

 

I respect my higher power and the devil tells me Im not worthy, Im a piece of crap that deserves to rot in hell after all I have done. Ive been an addict since I was 12 years old. and im 43. thats a long time. I don't know anything else it seems. I wish I was dead so bad I just wish I had the balls to take myself out. But I don't

[blind_otter]

You have to stop putting the responsibility in anyone else's hands but your own. You are the only person you can control, YOU are the only person who can love yourself enough to help yourself. You are responsible and accountable for the choices that you make, no one else. Not God, not the devil, not the guy who hurt you.

 

I am a recovering addict, too. And when sh*t goes down, I do feel like using. I admit it to myself. But that impulse comes from me, not from anyone or anything else. I choose to stay sober. Our actions are the ground on which we stand.

 

You are not bad. You are good. you are a worthy person who deserves to have good things happen to them. But ultimately it will always be in your hands to make the choices that will MAKE good things happen to you. You have to be strong for yourself. Understand that no one else can do this for you, but the strength is there inside of you -- you wouldn't be here if you weren't strong enough.

 

You are strong enough to beat this. Please have confidence in yourself.

[ahsumgurl909]

I wasnt blaming anyone for my addiction I was just saying the problems with him dont help matters. ANd I am allowing him to hurt me I can walk away but I dont and thats my fault. Just like I can put down the pipe and stop using. Me as a drug user am very selfish and cares about nothing else. And then I let things go and then beat myself up for doing so. Thats all I meant. Thanks my friends for watching my posts and responding with your love and support. It means a lot to me!!

[che_jesse]

I had a recent relapse and my roommate went snooping through my room and found my pipe. Meth and she flipped out. THing is this to know me is to know my pain I have tried to clean up again. I just cant seem to shake it. Been through all the programs and everything. know all the rules did my steps. But the pains of my past present kill me inside. I been through a lot. I try to keep myself medicated most of the time. 30 years of addiction and Im tired. My thing is this I was clean and sober when she made that call and now im screwed. because I was so pist off and hurt about the whole deal I did alittle last night. LAME I know and it dont even work anymore.

 

Not to point out the obvious or anything.. but: you did violate the terms of your parole, therefore you are not supposed to be able to go off of parole...