Is this cheating and how do I forgive?

[SadHouseDad]

First off, I've been with my wife for 6 years, we've been married for almost a year now, and we have two kids together(a 3 year old and a 20 month old). I've just discovered that my wife has been talking to some guy on the phone. It's very sexual in nature and I personally think of it as cheating. It all started on WoW, then continued to her MySpace page and has progressed to the point of phone calls. It has been going on for over a month now behind my back. I knew something was wrong because she's been acting different and in the past week has barely called me from work while I was at home taking care of the kids. She said she was talking to this guy on MySpace while at work and I had to wonder, why hasn't she been calling me. So I decided to check her MySpace page(after learning her password from our email address which she used to create it). I found all kinds of comments you don't want to see being said to another man when you're married. I finally come to find out she's been getting pictures from this guy(who I knew and thought was a nice guy) on a separate email address I didn't know about. I then come to find out she's been talking to this guy on her cell phone before, after, and during work.

I've confronted her about it and she blames me for the most part. I love her more than anyone else in the world and would never consider cheating on her, I really want to work things out. At this point I'm extremely upset, afraid, confused, and angry at the same time. What do I do? Is this cheating if it never got physical? How do I get over this? I'm so confused.

[Don Quijote]

Hey SHD,

 

With all respect, I would view this as cheating. First, she is spending her free time talking to someone else other than you. This would be fine, but for the fact that she hid it from you and it seems to be sexual in nature. At the very least I see this as an emotional affair (at least for the moment because it may get worse) and very disresepctful.

 

You need to confront her with the situation and if she does not want to end it, there has to be a consequence. In this particular case, if it is feasible given your situation with the children, you may want to move out and give yourself some time to think this situation through.

 

I wish you the best

[dropdeadlegs]

I've confronted her about it and she blames me for the most part.

 

She blames YOU when SHE'S having sexual conversations with another man? I don't get that.

 

I think it is cheating in an intimate and emotional way even if it has not gotten physical (yet, and I think it will if this guy lives in close proximity which many of my myspace friends do.)

 

I am all about respect and participating in this kind of activity on the sly is disrespectful of your feelings, your trust, and your position as her husband.

[SadHouseDad]

I'm seriously thinking about taking the children and moving out. As you've both said, it could easily get worse and I'm very worried about it. She cheated on me once when we first started seeing eachother 6 years ago(I let it go because we hadn't agreed to be exclusive at the time). Unfortunately, it's always been my belief that once you're a cheater, you're always a cheater. I was lucky this time that the guy(actually 2 guys but one of them she apparently decided to only be friends with which makes me wonder what the other guy was to her) lives in Illinois. Still, I'm a guy and I know how guys are and I'm sure he wouldn't have any problem driving down to Florida to ruin our relationship forever.

[dropdeadlegs]

Unfortunately, it's always been my belief that once you're a cheater, you're always a cheater.

 

For the most part I agree, but I shouldn't. I cheated on my first husband and I would never do that to anyone ever again. I don't see myself as typical in most ways, though. I was unhappy in the marriage and too immature to get out of it so I did what I knew would make him leave me. I carry a lot of shame and guilt about that part of my life, but I took away so much personal growth from the situation. I hurt my husband, who was basically a good person, just not right for me. My family was appalled, my children from that marriage know about my affair. While I have salvaged my relationship with my daughter by being completely honest about how wrong I was, I think my relationship with my son will never be "right" again. I think he harbors a lot of anger at me for breaking up his family. My kids were 4 and 7 at the time and are now (nearly) 18 and 21. I made several bad choices after the divorce and my son went to live with his Dad at 16. He may never completely forgive me, but we work on our relationship.

 

If you come out of cheating with a completely negative impression of yourself and a lot of compassion and true sorrow for those you have hurt you may never cheat again. I won't.

 

To get back to your situation, it definitely raises some serious red flags, but the relationship may be salvageable if you can determine what your wife is getting from these conversations with other men, why she would be willing to possibly lose your marriage, and that she still wants to be with you and your children as a family. I hope this is possible for you. Communication is the key. Best wishes to you all. I believe forgiveness can be achieved with a big dose of honesty and a change in her behavior.

[SadHouseDad]

Communication is the key, I completely agree. I've told her many times that she needs to tell me how she feels and she's never been able to truly do it. I've spoken to her and we're going to try counceling, although I have sincere doubts as to whether counceling is really what we need. I think the main problem now is my ability to forgive and forget about this.

[dropdeadlegs]

Communication is the key, I completely agree. I've told her many times that she needs to tell me how she feels and she's never been able to truly do it. I've spoken to her and we're going to try counceling, although I have sincere doubts as to whether counceling is really what we need. I think the main problem now is my ability to forgive and forget about this.

 

Go into counseling with a good attitude and it might help you learn whether you have the ability to forgive, or learn whether you even want to....I tried it a few sessions with my second husband and I learned a lot of things, some of which I didn't really want to know, though. But knowledge is power and when we eventually did break up, knowing that he was pretty shallow helped in the long run.

 

I'd like to see your username change to HappyHouseDad regardless of how things turn out:D Or HappyWorkingDad, or HappyDivorcedDad, or even just HappyDad!

 

Really, you have my best wishes and good thoughts for a happy outcome.

[Rooster_DAR]

First off, I've been with my wife for 6 years, we've been married for almost a year now, and we have two kids together(a 3 year old and a 20 month old). I've just discovered that my wife has been talking to some guy on the phone. It's very sexual in nature and I personally think of it as cheating. It all started on WoW, then continued to her MySpace page and has progressed to the point of phone calls. It has been going on for over a month now behind my back. I knew something was wrong because she's been acting different and in the past week has barely called me from work while I was at home taking care of the kids. She said she was talking to this guy on MySpace while at work and I had to wonder, why hasn't she been calling me. So I decided to check her MySpace page(after learning her password from our email address which she used to create it). I found all kinds of comments you don't want to see being said to another man when you're married. I finally come to find out she's been getting pictures from this guy(who I knew and thought was a nice guy) on a separate email address I didn't know about. I then come to find out she's been talking to this guy on her cell phone before, after, and during work.

I've confronted her about it and she blames me for the most part. I love her more than anyone else in the world and would never consider cheating on her, I really want to work things out. At this point I'm extremely upset, afraid, confused, and angry at the same time. What do I do? Is this cheating if it never got physical? How do I get over this? I'm so confused.

 

This is cheating in it's worst form, and she is focusing her emotional energy on this other man, this perhaps is even worse than a one night stand. This needs to be dealt with ASAP and all communication need to cease between them. She is doing everything that a typical affair/cheater person would do.

 

Good luck!

[SadHouseDad]

My wife and I have worked things out, more or less. She's been hurting for a long time from what she tells me. She said she doesn't feel sexy anymore and I know we've gotten into a routine where I don't show her how much I really love her. Deep down I know she just wanted my attention but it still hurts so much. I want to get past it but I can't get these horrible thoughts out of my head. I can't stop thinking about the fact that my wife, my best friend, and the person I've devoted my life to has been talking/thinking with/about guys other than me. How do I get over this? I'm guessing it will just take time but it hurts so bad.

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm glad that you were able to work things out. From what you have posted her activity was benign but could have been worse. I am glad that the both of you have agreed that your marriage is worth saving. Good luck to the both of you!

[SadHouseDad]

Thank you, dropdeadlegs. Unfortunately, I'm still a sad housedad for now, in time perhaps I can become normal again. I just hope that one day I can become happy housedad again, it seems so hard.