sungrl Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 Now that I look back on last year with my b/f--do you think he had too much contact with an ex girlfriend? He said they only spoke once in awhile-but here are the phone calls I KNEW of. Once last august when i was looking through the phone with him him there..i see her name and that is when i first knew about her. One in december when she called him when i was in the car with my b/f. He tried to pretend it was a guy friend so i wouldn't get mad i guess but i found out it was her later on. And new years eve, she sent him a text after midnight--which i found a few days later b/c i snooped and called the number. He called her sometime throughout NYE weekend. Thats 3 phone calls that i only KNOW of in 4 months--i'm guessing that i am right that there were probably more..thanksgiving or a phone call or 2 for no reason. Was that too much contact?? Looking back i feel like i was kind of a fool to not do anything about this. He says they don't speak much anymore--that she didn't call him for his b-day which was a couple of months ago but now i am nervous with New Years eve coming up and if she is gonna send him a text again. I don't think i will like it at all if it happens. I feel like its time for them to move on from contact. Help Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I dont think so. I have an absolute sweetheart of an ex-girlfriend. I call her on holidays and wish her and her family well. We talk maybe once every 2 weeks or so. We don't want to "do it", we just love each other and care about what happens to the other. This is an absolutely normal human response, it's just that so many people are ill-prepared to either manage it (doer) or handle it (other boy/girl friend). Contact with an ex alone does not make an a**hole/liar/cheater. It's all the other factors that matter. My opinion anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 I dont think so. I have an absolute sweetheart of an ex-girlfriend. I call her on holidays and wish her and her family well. We talk maybe once every 2 weeks or so. We don't want to "do it", we just love each other and care about what happens to the other. This is an absolutely normal human response, it's just that so many people are ill-prepared to either manage it (doer) or handle it (other boy/girl friend). Contact with an ex alone does not make an a**hole/liar/cheater. It's all the other factors that matter. My opinion anyway. Your situation is the exception not the norm. In most cases where exes remain friends one or both of them still has feelings for the other. In general it causes problems even if it doesn't lead to cheating. That's why I don't date people who are friends with their exes. Link to post Share on other sites
goodfriendeva Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 idk for me.. ex bfs are just that.. my past.. if im not with someone currently then i guess its ok to talk to them.. but out of respect to my bf of the time.. talkign to the ex.. just isnt going to happen.. now if they call me or write to me.. i wont be rude and not talk to them. but thats the only case.. i wouldnt make it a habit.. whether or not we broke up on good terms.. hunny in the past if a bf lied to me.. ESP about him talking to his ex and how often he would of been gone right then and there.. but dont dwell on the past your relationship is over.. on to newer and better things Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted December 14, 2006 Author Share Posted December 14, 2006 I am with him still.... Link to post Share on other sites
bbelmont83 Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 After breaking up with my ex I had kept talking to her even though I already had a new woman in my life. It was a big mistake on my part, and one that I regret a lot. It was disrespectful to her, and I shouldnt have done it. I look back on it now and I cant believe I did it really. I needed closure I guess. But like Eva said, exs are just that, the past. Link to post Share on other sites
goodfriendeva Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 oh sorry.. well talk to him about it.. tell him your not comfortable with it.. see what he says about it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted December 14, 2006 Author Share Posted December 14, 2006 We have talked a few times about it a few months ago. He says he hasn't heard from her and didn't even hear from her on his birthday which was a few months ago. I have to admit, i hated how he thought of her on his birthay and that she didn't call. But i think he was making a point of how they haven't been talking. The thing is, i have a feeling if she did call..he wouldnt discourage it. So my issue is worrying about what might happen. its hard not to worry considering what happened last year on NYE. I think if i see something, i should say..2 years together and she still needs to text u or call you? Shouldn't your past be the past? Link to post Share on other sites
Shrelana Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Honestly, it sounds like you want to control who he has contact with. As I mentioned in a previous post, my fiance and I are best friends with one of his ex's, and he retains friendship of all but one of his ex's (that one stalked him for quite a while, and he was assaulted during the time she was stalking him-there is now a restraining order). I think you might want to tell your bf to either be truthful about being in contact with her and not worry, or tell him to not talk to her. As long as he is truthful, there shouldn't be a problem. My question for you....why were you "snooping" in your bf's phone? Link to post Share on other sites
InsanityImpaired Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 I agree with previous poster. Distrust breeds actions you are not told of. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Shrelana makes a good point...Friendship with an ex needs to be completely disclosed and the new girlfriend needs to be part of that friendship. If a boyfriend is talking to an ex girlfriend on a regular basis and the new girlfriend doesn't know when they are talking and the content of the discussions, then that's bad news. The same goes for regular contact where the boyfriend is sharing emotional intimacy with the ex. For instance, he has a bad day and calls the ex to talk about it. That takes away from the intimacy in his new relationship. Personally, I shy away from anyone who is good friends with an ex. It seems like there are always ulterior motives, from needing closure to wanting the ex back. I did have one boyfriend who went out of his way to show me that his friendship with an ex was harmless. He told me every time they talked and what they talked about. He also invited me along anytime she asked him to go to lunch. Most importantly, he told me he would stop talking to her if I wanted him to.... Link to post Share on other sites
InsanityImpaired Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 If a boyfriend is talking to an ex girlfriend on a regular basis and the new girlfriend doesn't know when they are talking and the content of the discussions, then that's bad news. Yes, but this is the seventh post or so by OP in 2 months about trust issues, cheating et cetera. It is hard to disentangle cause from consequence. But what is clear is that trust is practically non-existent, be it for valid or invalid reasons. Would you if you have such an overconcerned SO tell everything you would be doing, when you would be doing it, knowing that it would lead to heated arguments and such? Many would not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted December 15, 2006 Author Share Posted December 15, 2006 I guess i am asking if its right or normal for her who hasnt been with him in awhile now to send my b/f a text a few minutes after midnight on NYE. I just think its weird. Is it right that its been almost two years together and they might talk? When i asked a few months ago if they did he says he hasn't heard from her in a long time but with the holidays i am kind of curious again but dont want to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
KolzarAAV Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 I talk with most of my ex-girlfriends a lot, we are just friends Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 I talk with most of my ex-girlfriends a lot, we are just friends If your girlfriend is fine with that then thats fine. Not everyone is and that is also fine. Its not a black and white issue, its up to each individual (and couple) to decide what is ok and what isn't ok within the confines of their relationship. Your situation and the other person who mentioned being friends with her bf's ex are not the norm, they're the exception. Most of the time it causes problems. So what works for you won't work for everyone. Some view it as disrespectful, its fine if you don't but not everyone feels that way. The best thing to do is to find out where the person you're seeing stands on the issue of exes early in the relationship. A good time to have that discussion is when you discuss what you and your potential SO consider to be cheating. Those types of discussions should happen before any strong connections have been formed because if you don't see eye to eye on those types of things the relationship cannot work. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 Now that I look back on last year with my b/f--do you think he had too much contact with an ex girlfriend? He said they only spoke once in awhile-but here are the phone calls I KNEW of. Once last august when i was looking through the phone with him him there..i see her name and that is when i first knew about her. One in december when she called him when i was in the car with my b/f. He tried to pretend it was a guy friend so i wouldn't get mad i guess but i found out it was her later on. And new years eve, she sent him a text after midnight--which i found a few days later b/c i snooped and called the number. He called her sometime throughout NYE weekend. Thats 3 phone calls that i only KNOW of in 4 months--i'm guessing that i am right that there were probably more..thanksgiving or a phone call or 2 for no reason. Was that too much contact?? Looking back i feel like i was kind of a fool to not do anything about this. He says they don't speak much anymore--that she didn't call him for his b-day which was a couple of months ago but now i am nervous with New Years eve coming up and if she is gonna send him a text again. I don't think i will like it at all if it happens. I feel like its time for them to move on from contact. Help When there is no loving feelings between the both of them then I see no problem with the guy being friends with he's ex. There is always a reason to why they broke up... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 i talk with my ex wife all the time and it involves child care issues. do either of us want to get back together - no. that is not something either of us want or would do - we get along better this way and thats how it stays - it is a relationship built on ensuring our child grows up cared for. i do not talk with the woman i shared 4 years with - corrrection - she doesn't talk with me and recently, sunday, my birthday passed and i believed if there was ever a time where a clear message would be sent it would be on a birthday - there was no contact in any way, and that did not make me sad it only hammered home the REALITY that contact of any kind with her is OVER. that's a pretty strong message. as for dating again, i have decided to put that on hold for a while - i went on one date months back and all i did where things i would have done with the 4 year ex - exactly the same - so i apologized to this woman and bowed out and now will focus on things i need to do in life Link to post Share on other sites
pennyjosix Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Talking to an ex when in a relationship is a touchy situation. I am still friends with the majority of my ex's only because we have absolutely no interest in eachother. The one ex I am not on good terms with is the one who even though we have been broken up for 2 years or more, he still likes me. I have a boyfriend now so communicating with an ex that still has feelings for me is not a good idea. Why? Because I care more about my new love than my old one. My boyfriend has only had one girlfriend other than me and she is still madly in love with him (plus me and her dislike eachother for other reasons) so that's a no no. It's just respectful, but one of my ex's is one of my best friends, but my boyfriend knows all about him and has met him. If my boyfriend was in contact with his ex and I didn't know... oh boy. It would not be pretty. So it's normal to feel stupid about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted December 31, 2006 Author Share Posted December 31, 2006 hey guys, well i have handled this situation well so far. It has been on my mind from time to time but things between me and my b/f have been fine. I have not asked any questions about this girl even though i wanted to. I just felt it wasnt worth it yet. New Years Eve is approaching and i am starting to get nervous. If he does get a text or call from this girl, that means they have been in contact. A couple of months ago, he said they havent spoken in months so i really doubt out of the blue she would send a text. My guess, if he gets one from her--then there has been some contact between them. Should i be worried he will try to erase anything before i see it? We might be with his family for midnight so obviously i wont be directly near him like last year when his phone rings or vibrates/whatever. Therefore he could delete something before i see it...I really need advice on whether i should ask if she called or texted him..OR just let it go. My g/f said she contacted her ex's on christmas and doesnt think its a big deal and that i shouldn't care. Really would like advice. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 well, when i was getting all mushy a couple of days ago - it was because i was lead to believe that things were over - and now they are not - then they are - lol u get the picture. frankly, i like my exgf, and i in no way would ever think about jumping on some other guy gf - that's just no class - so, her new bf could chill. but if she told me that doing so was a prob - i'd stop. no biggie. i just like that gurl - she's challenged herself in many ways when i knew her - some good, some bad, and its great watching grow into a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted December 31, 2006 Author Share Posted December 31, 2006 no comments? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 I went through the same thing, last new years i was completely in your shoes, it only resolved itslef yesterday. Almost a year later... first I am curious how you found out the call in the car was her--did he admit it or did you find out by snooping? Is your distrust coming from catching him in discrepancies or did he tell you himself later? I ask because you may still be suspicious even if he says he didn't get a text, he may not, or he may. Getting one does not mean they have been in contact. And you have to look at if he has been forthcoming , I am not clear where the fear that he would hide it is coming from. I was afraid my BF was emailing her and updating her on our xmas/new years but when I asked he said no and i felt silly I had imagined a whole big scenario. The important part is this--if he says no text recieved and you don't believe him you need to figure that out, or this could spiral. I made a decision that i woulod keep my eyes open, but because I had not caught him in trust eroding discrepancies that I would believe him, whatever the answer is. Sometimes I have slipped back and done an interrogation, but you have to do the same. Think it through logically. Link to post Share on other sites
may55 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Very similar situation. It is funny how guys can be. My boyfriend of a year insists that she contacts him and he never intiates contact, however lately I have not been too sure about this. She seems to show up everywhere we go. I admit she will say hi to me as well, but she always calls him the next day we see her out and it really bothers me. In my mind, why can't she just say a passing hello? Anyway it has caused a lot of conflict in our relationship. my advice to you is to tell him how you feel, how it hurts you, but do not blame him for anything. Just say, wow it hurts when she calls. I feel ____. And leave it at that. Although my boyfriend probably still is in contact with her, I know he sets boundries because I have told him how it makes me feel. Hopefully she will fade away. My ex husband's ex'es did eventually after a few years. It just takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
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