he's making me call my ex in front of him

[Guest]

and i feel so weird about it.

we got engaged and then i continued in a friendship with an ex that was inappropriate. my ex didn't know i was engaged, so in my opinion, i was the only one doing wrong.

 

then my fiance called my ex on the phone and told him everything.

now the truth is out and i'm glad about it because i want to start over.

my fiance requires that i never have contact with the ex again. i have to stay with him almost all the time because then he's sure that i'm not doing anything. i like staying with him all the time anyway, and i like having him know what i'm doing so he doesn't worry or get upset.

the only thing i don't like is that he wants me to call my ex in front of him and tell my ex that i can never talk to him again. he wants my ex on speakerphone because he wants to hear the response.

 

i told him i will write a letter, i will send an email, i'll do it in front of him

i don't want to make this phone call, i think it's too weird and unkind.

like i said, i'm doing no contact, but my ex doesn't deserve that, he didn't know i was engaged. now everyone knows and it's over, why is my fiance making me do this? he's threatening to leave me if i don't and giving a very short time limit. this is so strange, in my opinion. what do you think?

[Guest]

by the way, i misworded that, he didn't say i have to stay with him, i just feel like doing that because it's more comfortable for me to know he knows what i'm doing

[norajane]

Your fiancee is doing this because he feels threatened. He wants you to prove to him that your relationship and future marriage are more important to you than your ex. He needs you to do this, or he wouldn't ask you to.

 

Why can't you call your ex? Apologize for not telling him about your engagement, that it was the wrong thing to do, and tell him that you believe it's best for the two of you not to have any contact anymore.

[IpAncA]

Yep I agree with Nora also.

 

If your fiancee is more important, then you should have no trouble doing this. He's your ex right? Then make him that.

[Lostgurl]

I totally agree with all of the above posters.

 

Your fiancee's feelings should be of greater importance than your ex's. I don't think that it's mean at all to call him and tell him, while in the presence of your fiance.

[JadeStar]

If your fiance called your ex and told him everything, then I don't see why you really need to do anything anyway. But if its gonna make your fiance feel better hearing it come from you to your ex, then I guess you need to call him.

[Sal Paradise]

You should feel lucky that he hasn't left you over this. I would.

 

He has every right to make these requests. If I was in his situation I wouldn't let you contact the ex at all. And if you did I would leave you. You don't need to contact the ex. You have a new boyfriend. That other guy should be history.

 

This is why I advise people not to date people who stay friends with exes. All it does is cause problems in the long run. Sure there are exceptions but those are the exceptions and not the norm. Typically when exes remain friends one or both of them still has feelings for the other. And even when they don't there is always the potential for old feelings to reignite.

 

If I were you I would do as your boyfriend says in regards to the ex. If you can't do that then leave him. Stop playing games with the guys heart if you can't commit to him. You can't commit when you still have baggage from a previous relationship hanging around.

[ehead]

Depending on what you meant by "inappropriate", you might should consider yourself lucky.

[reservoirdog1]

I have to agree with most of the others. I don't know what you mean by an "inappropriate" friendship with your ex, but what you're describing probably falls under the heading of an emotional affair. Possibly physical too, though you haven't said so.

 

And that being the case, I think you need to respect your fiance's wishes. Right now he feels betrayed (and it sounds like with good reason). If you value your relationship with him, then job one for you is to bend over backwards to make him feel secure in the relationship. I can pretty much guarantee you that if you don't, he will harbour lingering doubts about your fidelity and honesty for years to come.

 

I think it would be an incredibly powerful demonstration of your love for him and of your commitment to him for you to make that call in front of him. And, unfortunately, it does come down to a choice between whose feelings are more important: his, or those of your ex.

[InsanityImpaired]

we got engaged and then i continued in a friendship with an ex that was inappropriate.

Why was this inappropriate in your mind?

 

i have to stay with him almost all the time because then he's sure that i'm not doing anything. i like staying with him all the time anyway, and i like having him know what i'm doing so he doesn't worry or get upset.

I get the impression (but I could be mistaken because of the vagueness of the post) that it is not just about this ex that he demands of you to be with him 24/7. And then there seem to be other issues as well.

 

the only thing i don't like is that he wants me to call my ex in front of him and tell my ex that i can never talk to him again. he wants my ex on speakerphone because he wants to hear the response.

And that could well be inappropriate. If hearing your words, when you make the call is not enough, it is because of a dubious intent that he wants to hear your ex's reaction. And that would be a bridge too far in my book - especially as your ex already knows about your engagement.

 

Depending on the inapropriateness of this friendship, I would caution you against making that call, under those conditions. I have the impression that there may be some very unhealthy relationship dynamics at play.

 

It is not a clear cut matter on what the right thing is to do.

[Walk]

The post was vague, but I got the heeby jeebies reading it. I don't know..... just seems.. off kilter.

 

Question though. Why didn't you tell the ex about the engagement? Were you looking to strike something back up with the ex, or were there other reasons?

 

A life lived under constant surveilance is not going to be pleasant. Might seem okay for a while, but you'll start to resent it. And then you;ll fight against it. I'm not feeling the good vibes here. How long have you known your finance, and how long have you been engaged?

[Art_Critic]

2 wrongs do not make a right..

 

You may have lied to him and broken the trust you have with him but that is still no reason for him to degrade you and your ex for his kicks..

 

You need to rebuild the trust that you lost thru your actions as a person he is in a relationship with.. not by performing inappropriate degrading acts to prove how worthless you are ( or how worthless he is trying to make you feel ) and then to try to prove your love to your current bf

 

Please don't let him make you call your ex in front of him..

He is just your BF and not your husband and you didn't cheat on him with your ex.. you lied about your contact with him..

 

Put in in perspective.. it will be up to you to make amends to your bf and regain his trust thru time and appropriate actions

[CrushedOrgans]

i think it sounds like the engagement is what is inappropriate. neither of you sounds mature enough to handle a serious, committed relationship.

 

if you're planning on staying engaged, maybe you should at least take a short break from each other and see what you really want before you get into something you can't handle.

[blind_otter]

2 wrongs do not make a right..

 

You may have lied to him and broken the trust you have with him but that is still no reason for him to degrade you and your ex for his kicks..

 

You need to rebuild the trust that you lost thru your actions as a person he is in a relationship with.. not by performing inappropriate degrading acts to prove how worthless you are ( or how worthless he is trying to make you feel ) and then to try to prove your love to your current bf

 

Please don't let him make you call your ex in front of him..

He is just your BF and not your husband and you didn't cheat on him with your ex.. you lied about your contact with him..

 

Put in in perspective.. it will be up to you to make amends to your bf and regain his trust thru time and appropriate actions

 

I agree with Art. and Walk. THe fact that he needs to hear your ex's response seems a little weird.

 

I can understand your fiance being insecure because, hey, you did betray his trust on some level. But it seems like you've done what you needed to do and this proving of yourself to your fiance could go on forever if you guys don't set some boundaries down. Talk it out.

[Guest]

Well, I did lie to my finance and told him my ex knew about him. And I lied to my ex about being engaged. I also went to see my ex several times meeting at hotels.

[JackJack]

I agree with Art, Walk and blind. I see no point really in you having to call your ex. I do understand your b/f being ticked off and rightfully so, and he himself called your ex and let him know what the deal was. Even though your b/f might be ticked with good reason, he seems kind of demanding in his words. You shouldn't have to call, he already did. I mean he makes it sound like you are a child and he is the dad. Kind of like, "now call your friend and tell them you are sorry for pushing them down on the play ground." kind of deal. I get a strange feeling that even if you were to do whatever it took to regain his trust, no matter what his "requests" are, he's going to hold a certain amount of resentment anyway. He will ghold resentment towards you for not telling your ex and staying in touch wqith him. And you will hold resentment for him making you feel you need to do this and that to prove yourself. Its all up to what you both feel you can handle and are willing to put up with.

[Sal Paradise]

Well, I did lie to my finance and told him my ex knew about him. And I lied to my ex about being engaged. I also went to see my ex several times meeting at hotels.

 

What happened while you were at the hotel? I'm sure something happened.

 

It sounds like to me you were engaged in some form of cheating whether it was emotional or physical. This was the impression I got from your initial post. If I were you I would feel fortunate that he hasn't broken up with you. The contact with the ex has to stop. If he needs for you to call your ex while he is there I think you should do it. I don't blame him for not trusting you. You haven't given him any reason to.

 

You need to choose one or the other. You can't have both. If you stay with your bf you need to break off all contact with the ex. There is no reason to stay in contact with him. If you can't do that then break up with your bf. Either commit to him or leave him.

[PandorasBox]

IMO, I think you should cut both of them loose. Your ex because he is an ex for a reason, and your current b/f because you cheated even if it was just emotionally. You obvioulsy still have feelings for the ex, plus your b/f sounds kind of demanding wheather its with good reason or not, then again maybe its how you presented it. Also theres going to be lots of resentment from both parties.

[CrushedOrgans]

Well, I did lie to my finance and told him my ex knew about him. And I lied to my ex about being engaged. I also went to see my ex several times meeting at hotels.

 

and you seem to have no problem with any of that.

 

you're obviously quite immature and not ready for marriage, not to mention that you don't seem to care about your fiance's feelings at all.

 

so...why are you engaged again?

 

or this is a fake post, because i refuse to believe that someone could be this moronic.

[Guest]

it's not a fake post, but my fiance just posted a reply pretending to be me.

and he's a really smart person, but apparently can act as immaturely as i can sometimes. now he says he's forgiven me and ready to go back to normal.

this week has been a total roller coaster and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

 

 

 

and you seem to have no problem with any of that.

 

you're obviously quite immature and not ready for marriage, not to mention that you don't seem to care about your fiance's feelings at all.

 

so...why are you engaged again?

 

or this is a fake post, because i refuse to believe that someone could be this moronic.

[Bryanp]

Are you saying that you did not tell your ex that you were engaged and met him at hotels to engage in sex? Is this what you meant by inappropriate relationship. If this is the case then I am absolutely amazed that you boyfriend would still wish to marry you. I think you have already poisoned your current relationship. Just imagine if the roles were reversed and your current boyfriend continued to see his ex girlfriend behind your back and meeting her for sex at hotels.

Why in the world would you wish to marry a person who already cheated on you while you were engaged? If this is indeed the case then I think your boyfriend would have to be a masochist to wish to even contemplate marrying you. Why would you do such a horrible thing to a man who you are engaged to marry? It is unblievably cruel and heartless. If you were having sex then your boyfriend would need to be tested for STD's. What a way to start a marriage. If you can cheat on him while you are engaged what is he to expect from you after you are married?

[IpAncA]

Well, I did lie to my finance and told him my ex knew about him. And I lied to my ex about being engaged. I also went to see my ex several times meeting at hotels.

 

Why would you lie in the first place and why would you go and meet him at hotels? Obviously you didn't want anyone to know. Why is that?

 

Well while others say you shouldn't have to call because your not married, would you have a problem with it if you were and he asked you to do this? You should be glad that he didn't break up with you and still wants to marry you.

[Walk]

What got me most about this post wasn't the fact that the bf wants her to call the ex on speaker phone... but the fact that she's now under house arrest and he'll still marry her as long as she never leaves his sight.

 

Uhm... great way to start a "new" life together.

 

Plus, I got the feeling that she actually feels more loved because the fiance is being more .. uh.. controlling.

 

I don't think getting married is a good idea.

[InsanityImpaired]

it's not a fake post, but my fiance just posted a reply pretending to be me.

and he's a really smart person, but apparently can act as immaturely as i can sometimes. now he says he's forgiven me and ready to go back to normal.

this week has been a total roller coaster and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

 

If the previous guest post was indeed of your fiance, then the relationship has no future at all, to be honest.

 

Trust is completely lacking. The right to privacy is lacking. Honesty and straightforwardness are lacking in this relationship. And playing with people's emotions is not okay. Unles you are okay with being controlled 24/7. But you should not be.

[IpAncA]

What the he** is going on here. Did he just post too?

 

Well I change my opinion of this whole thing now. You both need to think about this whole marriage thing and stop being irresponsible and inmature. It's clear your not ready.