Frustrated with Selfish/Lazy Husband (cont'd)

[uleryrns]

I posted a while ago about my situation and not much has changed. Forgive me while I vent again...sorry it's long.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97283/291a762c6012f4b24077dfd47e2cb5a3

 

8 years together and I am feeling more and more, like I don't want to be with this man. There are so many things I am unhappy with, and knowing I can't change him, I just don't know how much longer I can stay with someone who refuses to grow up and be a responsible man.

 

He finally got a job, after being unemployed for 2 weeks, which really set us back financially, especially since he has spent most of this year flopping from job to job and being unemployed AND it's Christmas time, etc. I just can't get over that he's still very lazy, selfish and irresponsible.

 

I can't take his word for anything. I don't believe anything he says and have no faith in him whatsoever. He consistently talks about doing this and doing that and taking care of this and 95% NEVER follows through. His actions speak louder than words, and they contradict most of what he says. We've discussed this and all he does is talk about how he wants to be more reliable, etc. but NOTHING, NOTHING, ever changes.

 

He's bipolar too, and without his meds (which he can't get because of no $$ or insurance), he's moody as hell. One minute he's happy and mellow, then the next he's flipping out, snapping and barking at me and our kids because they made too much noise, or some silly $h*t like that. He freaks over the most trivial crap, and leaves me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells all the time because I never know when he's going to flip out. And when he flips, he starts in on me, lecturing me or giving me long drawn out speeches, that I'm really getting tired of hearing. I'm SO tired of being his verbal punching bag and being talked to like a child.

 

He tells me he had an epiphany when he was out on his 6-week extership, driving a semi on the road, and that he realized he didn't want to be mean and nasty and flip out all the time, and he wants to be a more patient, loving man, etc., like he used to be when we first got married. But I have NOT seen any change since he's returned home. He still is the same moody man, the same behaviors, the same attitudes, the same verbal abuse.

 

But he refuses to believe that. He honestly thinks he's changed and isn't nearly as bad as he used to be. But from my perspective, it's the same. I'm tired of getting criticized and snapped at, if I don't react or respond how he wants me to. If my tone of voice isn't perfect in his ears, than I hear an earful about how terribly mean I am to him. When I'm sitting there fighting back the tears and being silent or holding my tongue for fear whatever I'll say will set him off more, he calls me names and accuses me of being ignorant or cold to him.

 

Or, I hear the guilt trip version, of how I must hate him and I might as well sign the papers and leave him or kill him and just get it over with. Wooah is me, is his whole speech and attitude. He has low self-esteem and is always playing the victim and turning our roles around, making me the bad guy. It's no wonder he can feel my hate for him oozing out of me.

 

And I can't fake that I'm happy. I can't pretend I'm in love with a man, who I feel so frustrated and resentful against. I've tried to let these feelings go and forgive him and get past them, but every day with him, I'm reminded why I feel that way and those feelings just resurface again.

 

Oh, and we've been to counseling. Unfortunately, it hasn't really helped. Maybe it was because I didn't feel I could communciate my true feelings, or because she would always uplift his stupid ass as if he was really making all the effort he TALKED about. He's a talker, a bullsh*tter. He's great at it. He can sale ice to an eskimo, he's pretty damn good. But everyone that knows him, friends-family, they ALL know, he's full of crap and not to take his word. So he sits there and talks all this crap to the counselor and she thinks he's making these wonderful improvements, but when I dispute them, or talk up about them, oh no, I'm just being negative and need to focus on the good things (where they are I don't know). I'm the one who needs to adjust my attitude. blah blah freakin blah.

 

I'm really just tired of handling EVERYTHING and being the responsible parent, the responsible adult and the head of our household, while he sits by and plays the victim. He constantly plays like HE is always the one getting the shaft and how he does SO much and tries SO hard, and he doesn't. I'm thinking he's freaking delusional. Meanwhile, everything gets taken care of, because I DO IT.

 

From my perspective, he isn't doing or trying anything. I do all the chores, all the finances, handle all the decisions, take care of the kids (he'll help occasionally with this, but usually he jumps my case if the kids are messing around or distracting him, interrupting his tv time), like I'm the only parent. He's sitting there bitching and whining about how I'm treating him badly and I'm the mean one, because I'm not super duper happy every day and loving all over him. It's MY fault he's in a bad mood. And I don't think I've been that mean or nasty, but I do admit I have been withdrawn and very sullen. I talk to him, but sometimes my answers are just a couple words and I'm sure my demeanor isn't that of one who is happy. My body language probably screams that I'm completely unhappy. I can't help it. I've told him that I'm depressed, and frustrated and not happy with him being unemployed and not helping more and being more responsible, etc. We've talked about his responsibilities as a parent, a husband and the head of our household, to which he's all agreed to, but NEVER takes care of.

 

So here we sit, time and again. 7 years and nothing really has changed. I think about how difficult it is living with him on a daily basis and just getting through the next week or month, and then think about the rest of our lives, and I just don't think I can go on like this. Then I think, how do I tell him I don't want to be with him? How do I break his heart and tell him, he's not the man for me? He's not someone I feel I can spend the rest of my life with, because it's one problem after another with him, and I'm always picking up after him (literally and metaphorically). When we met and got married, he was or seemed to be a great guy. I still feel like he put on a front just to win me over. I know now I'm too good for him and any other woman would have left him by now and not put up with even half his bullsh*t.

 

I'm not perfect, I have many faults too, but when we talked about marriage, we both agreed it was a partnership, a teamwork effort, both of us contributing equal share to make things happen. But I feel like I'm doing the majority of all the work, and he just chips in once a month, if that. Even when we just discuss things, he's all talk, but no action and then throws it back at me, like he's the only one who has to make sacrafices and changes, but I get a free pass. And that's not true.

 

On another note, tell me if this is comparable...in the 8 years we've been together, I've had 3 jobs, he's had 14 jobs.

 

I'm an admin assistant/secretary. When I have been unemployed, I look and apply everywhere I can, online, paper, email, fax, driving around, etc. I send out at least 10 resumes a day (if not more), until I find something. I never stop looking. Besides that, the position I go for is usually 1 position against many other applicants. He has never helped me in any way, to apply for a job.

 

He was a customer service rep and now is a driver. When he's been unemployed, he doesn't really look. From what I can prove, he's gone online a couple times and looked at maybe 10-15 jobs in a 2-week period, but that doesn't mean he applied to them. He tells me he's gone places and applied, but I can't prove that and don't believe for a minute he has. The last 5 jobs he's had (and the one he just got) are because I put out his resume for him. I did all the legwork, searching, faxing, emailing and submitting his resume online for him (because I knew he wasn't). The jobs he goes for have multiple positions available, not just one, so even if there are other applicants, there is still a possibility of getting one of the positions.

 

Are they comparible? He seems to think me being unemployed for 3 months is compariable to all the times he's been unemployed and me giving him any grief is not fair. I beg to differ.

 

Sorry this is so long...I just had to vent. Comments welcome...

[annee]

I am not in the exact shoes you are in but i can almost feel the torment you are going through. Counselling doesnt always help if you have got a good talker like your husband cos inspite of the counsellor thinking he is making progress YOU live with him and you know the situation. I know counselling works for a lot of people but from my own experience the counsellor only sees the picture based on words and anyone can play with words. And if thats the case you only end up more resentful and angry because you are seen as the "bad one" by everyone else.

its tough to been all these things you say you are in a marriage i doubt a lot of people would survive it. You may tough it out and hope to work it out cos you are pro marriage and blah blah but you would only get sick from all the pent up negative emotions and it would affect your kids too.

Remember its better to be happy and divorced than to stay married and angry all the time.

You have been tough enough to go through it for this long but what happens when you cant keep being tough anymore? You are wasting your life source on this man and not getting anything back i dont think anyone deserves that.

Good luck

[Ladyjane14]

If you're doing it all anyway.... working, taking care of the kids, cleaning the house... what do you need this guy for?

 

You know, there are alot of bi-polar people who are living normal, active lives. They're able to do that because they ACCEPT the fact that their condition needs treatment, and for the sake of their loved ones and themselves... they do what's necessary to get it. It's a priority for them.

 

Life is short and getting shorter. Do you REALLY want to be doing this 5 years from now? 10 years? How 'bout 20 years?

 

Unless you're willing to get into the driver's seat of YOUR life, Uleryns... nothing is going to change. You'll just end up 20 years down the pike with alot of wasted time behind you.

 

Your marriage has the potential for recovery. But only if this guy gets treatment... and stays with it for the rest of his life. If he can't make that committment, you're just spinning your wheels.

[Mz. Pixie]

Your marriage has the potential for recovery. But only if this guy gets treatment... and stays with it for the rest of his life. If he can't make that committment, you're just spinning your wheels.

 

This is so true. Lots of his problems probably lead back to being bipolar, some yet not all. But him being in treatment will make things so much easier. If he can't stay med compliant then it will be hard to make a relationship work with him.

[Guest]

I have read several of your postings because I found them so moving and sad, and so I ask you, what r u going to do differently? It appears you have tried being quiet and not yelling back when he storms at you. It appears you have forgiven him over and over, you've listened to his stories and his lies without calling him on it, you've taken control of the kids, the money, the house, taking care of him finding a job....what more can u do?

 

I am not going to tell you to leave him, that is not my place, but I am going to tell you it is ok to leave him. Whenever there is abuse or addiction, (and it sounds like you're dealing with someone with an addiction also)then it is ok, and it is expected that you take care of yourself and those children. I'm not suggesting divorce either, but by putting distance between yourself and your H, you can begin to fix you and your kids. In scripture, (I noticed you mentioned you had a pastor)it says to put God first, then spouse (and you), then kids. It is obvious you have put H first, (as has his mother) and forgot about God and you. He isn't the only one needing fixing, so do you.

 

I really believe, after reading your posts, that God must come 1st in your life and that you must fix you and your kids. You can do that at home with him, or you can do that without him. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SUBMIT TO A MAN WHO IS NOT FULFILLING HIS GOD GIVEN OBLIGATION TO HIS FAMILY. Is he honoring you? Is he cheerishing you? Is he finacially supporting the family? Reading your posts, the answer is no, therefore, you r not obligated to take his crap!!!

 

If u stay, u have to ignore the bad behavior and not let him steal your joy. If u leave, u can fix u, get your self esteem back, get close to God again, and pray for him. Nobody had to stay in an abusive situation, that is not what God wants for u. Nor does he want your H to be a loser who hurts his wife and kids. U must believe God has plans for u and your H, it appears u have to be the one to put it to action now!! If you can't luv yourself you will never get along with other people. The place to start is by being happy with who God made U to be!!

 

Your H is always putting himself down, he says he has bad habits, he's unattractive, he's never going to be great. He is hard on himself and does nothing about it. But God is always in the process of trying to work on people, maybe HE can't work on your H until your H stops having people baby him and enable him. I believe you want with your H what you once had, and you belive in what your H can be, but it ain't happening this way. You r not responsible for your H, he is. It sounds like you (and this is not blame, u were doing what u believe is right)enable your H, just like his mommy. U must stop, now!

 

Tell your H that God knows everything about u, both good and bad and HE still loves u and values you unconditionally. God does not always approve of our behavior, He is not pleased when we go against HIS will, and when we do , we will always suffer the consequences and have to work with HIM to correct our thoughts, words and actions. BUT, as you try to fix u, with HIS help, HIS love is a constant you can depend on.

 

Sweetie, your value in God's eyes never changes. Do not let your H steal your joy, or what u r meant to be in life. U r a good person, with great kids who need you and your luv. They don't need u to be sad and feel like u are stuck in a rut. God wants u to rise above what u r now and what u have. He wants u to have a good marriage, He wants u to have a home of your own, (not renting), he wants u to be free financially, and if u wanna be a full time mommy, that's a dream HE put in your heart and that's what HE wants for u 2!!

 

Instead of posting to strangers on the internet, where anyone with any computer savvy can find your posts, call a friend, a family memeber, a church person, and be 100% honest with them, and ask for help. Only go to people u know will listen and give u honest advise with the luv of God. So many people may say to leave him, and I may agree after reading some of these posts, BUT, I also believe there is hope for your marriage. Leaving him does not mean divorce. It means he fixes himself while you fix yourself and your kids and doing it seperately may be whats best. It may not, only u know for sure. I also suggest councling for just u right now.

 

May I suggest that u be honest with yourself and your H. Speak only the 100% truth. Find in your heart where u know u said & did wrong and apologize. U must be clean in your heart with God, with u and your H. Once YOU r clean with God, the rest gets easier. There will be a huge burden off your shoulders cuz u know u r clean. Then tell your H and apologize for only what u KNOW u said or did wrong. Then tell him your true feelings and do not worry about his reaction, u r responsible for your feelings not his. Then, and only then, if u feel a seperation is best, then take your kids, go to your parents, or to your other family & friends. I bet there is someone in your life who wants to help u. You probably don't even realize how much they want to help u, but the Bible says, "YOU DON'T HAVE BECAUSE YOU DON'T ASK."

 

If maybe for the 1st time your H realizes there are consequences to his actions, maybe he will see the light. U pray for God to work his miracles thru your H. Your pray for your marriage to be right. U must believe and EXPECT (that is important, u must expect)that God wants u, your H and your kids to be happy.

 

Now, take the reigns of your life, put your faith in God, and go be who HE wants you to be!

 

I pray for you!!

[Sacko]

The second he starts anything, say nothing, get your keys, the kids, and leave. If he tries to threaten or stop you, pick up the phone and call the cops. Dial 911 so he has no opportunity to hit you, if he does, send him to JAIL, let the cops know he is throwing things and getting violent. When the cops get there, tell them that you had an argument and want to leave and he is stopping you from going, then leave. Don't back down, don't capitulate, just leave without saying a word. YOU NEED TO FIND THE SELF ESTEEM WITHIN YOURSELF TO STAND UP AND SAY; ENOUGH! AND PUT ASIDE YOUR FEAR OF HIM BEATING YOU OR WHATEVER IT IS YOUR AFRAID OF AND TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE! IT SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS YOU SO BEATEN THAT YOU LACK THE COURAGE TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE FOR YOUR KIDS SAKES AND YOUR OWN! AND, I MAY ADD, YOU ARE GUILTY FOR ALLOWING HIM TO ACT THIS WAY! YOU ARE FAILING YOURSELF, YOUR KIDS, AND HIM BY ALLOWING THIS BEHAVIOR! THERE IS NO EXCUSE IN THE WORLD TO ALLOW HIM TO SET AN EXAMPLE LIKE THAT FOR YOUR CHILDREN. HE IS TEACHING THEM THAT AT LEAST TWO OF THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS, SLOTH and MALICE ARE OK. Not to mention the fact he is teaching them it is ok to lie, abuse, and freak out at your wife.

 

If he calls you on your cell phone while you are gone, say, I will not be coming back until you calm down, then hang up. If he calls back, in a bad mood, hang up again. If he calls back and is still in a bad mood, tell him you are turning off the phone and will call him later. When you call later, if he is still in a bad mood, tell him you are ending the call, and will give him more time to calm down, but that you are turning off the phone and will not tolerate the behavior anymore AT ALL! If he is unable to have a civil conversation by phone, tell him he may communicate with you by e-mail, and you will not speak with him until he learns to communicate like an adult. Via e-mail, you will find it easier to communicate your true feelings. VIA E-Mail, he has to read your words, and hear what you are saying!

 

FIND A PLACE TO GO, IMMEDIATLY! THIS IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE! YOU MUST FIND A PLACE FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS TO STAY! PUT ASIDE ANY SHAME YOU HAVE IN ASKING FOR HELP FROM FAMILY OR FRIENDS AND DO THE RIGHT THING FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS! Once you get to where you are going, be prepared to advise your husband that he is not allowed to talk to you, show up, or come see you, advise him that if he does, the police will be called, and he will be removed. Advise him you will arrange for him to see the kids. Advise him that if he tries to pick them up at school and take them home, or play any games, that it is grounds, right now, for immediate divorce, and there is NO hope of salvaging what little he has left in the marriage. Advise him you will arrange for him to see the kids while you take some time to clear your head. It sounds like his "MOMMY" would be glad to be the go between. MOST OF ALL, WHILE YOU SORT THIS OUT, ON YOUR OWN, OR WITH A COUNCELOR, DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM UNTIL YOU HAVE YOR OWN HEAD ON STRAIGHT.

 

Now the hard part. The rules are simple. Following through is the hard part.

 

To hell with the rent, find someplace where he IS NOT and stay there for three to six months, away from him.

 

If you want to save your marriage, I suggest the only talking you do is in counseling. If he decides to lie to the counselor and say he is improving, let him know via e-mail that this is unacceptable and that you will be seeking a divorce attorney if his lying does not stop, period, end of story, not up for discussion, and to hell with whatever a counselor say otherwise.

 

I think that you should live separate lives, with the only contact being via e-mail or in counseling for at least three months, six months is better.

 

Advise him that he needs to work on himself by going to counseling, getting an education etc.

 

Advise him that if you are to consider coming home that he WILL BE TAKING HIS MEDICATION. HE WILL BE HOLDING A STEADY JOB THAT HE HAS FOUND ON HIS OWN. HE WILL LOCATE, SECURE ON HIS OWN, WITHOUT MOMMY'S HELP, A PLACE WHERE HE WILL SUPPORT HIS FAMILY. I THINK MAKING HIM HOLD A JOB FOR AT LEAST MORE THAN A YEAR IS ACCEPTABLE IN THIS CASE BECAUSE AFTER THE FIRST REVIEW THERE IS LITTLE CHANCE HE WILL BE FIRED OR LAID OFF.

 

TELL HIM UNDER NO CURCUMSTANCE IS HE TO EVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN ACT LIKE THE VICTIM. IF HE THINKS LIFE IS UNFAIR, TOUGH S&%T, HE NEEDS TO BE A MAN AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD. PERIOD. TO DO OTHERWISE IS COWARDLY ON HIS PART!

 

ADVISE HIM THAT THE LIES STOP, NOT TOMORROW, NOT TODAY, BUT YESTERDAY. HE WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS BS AND ACT LIKE A MAN. A MAN IS AS GOOD AS HIS WORD.

 

HIS LAZYNESS. IT WILL STOP, PERIOD, END OF STORY, THATS ALL FOLKS. HE WILL PICK UP AFTER HIMSELF, TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN HYGENE, AND START TO TAKE PRIDE IN HIMSELF. HE WILL EITHER BE A LOSER, OR HE WILL NOT. HIS CHOICE. PERIOD, END OF STORY, THATS ALL FOLKS!

 

HE WILL CONTACT EVERYONE HE HURT, APOLOGIZE, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY WITH THEM AND YOU FOR ALL HIS ACTIONS. HE WILL APOLOGIZE TO "MOMMY" FOR USING HER AS A CRUTCH AND PAY BACK ALL, ALL, ALL! RIGHTIOUS DEBT TO HER, PERIOD!

 

HE WILL BE DOING THESE THINGS CONSISTENTLY BEFORE YOU CONSIDER MOVING IN WITH HIM! PERIOD, NO NEGOTIATING, NO STEPPING BACK, NO ALTERNATIVES, NO PARTIAL PROMISES, NO NOTHING BUT COMPLETE AND TOTAL REVERSAL OF WHAT HE IS, PERIOD, END OF STORY, THATS ALL FOLKS!

 

HE WILL REPAY IN KIND ALL DEBTS EITHER WHILE HE HAS SECURED A PLACE FOR HIS FAMILY OR BEFORE AND BE DOING THESE THINGS FOR NO LESS THAN THREE MONTH, SIX IS BETTER BEFORE ANY CONSIDERATON IS GIVEN TO RATCHETING UP THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

HE WILL SHOW YOU! NOT TELL YOU, BUT SHOW YOU THROUGH CONSISTENT ACTION OVER A PERIOD OF TIME, THAT HE WILL BE RESPONSIBLE, AND LIVE UP TO THE BS HE SAYS HE WILL IN COUNCELING. TELL HIM YOU WILL NOT HEAR WHAT HE WILL DO, YOU WILL SEE WHAT HE WILL DO. END OF STORY, NO MORE TO TALK ABOUT, DO IT, OR DON'T, THATS ALL.

 

YOU MENTIONED IN ANOTHER POST HE HAS ANOTHER CHILD. IF HE IS BEHIND ON CHILD SUPPORT, THAT TOO MUST, MUST, MUST, MUST BE TAKEN CARE OF. PERIOD, END OF STORY. EVEN IF HIS EX WIFE IS DRINKING WITH THE MONEY, IT IS THAT MUCH MORE FOR GROCERIES, CLOTHS, GAS, SCHOOL, ETC. IF THE MONEY HELPS THE MOTHER, IT HELPS THE CHILD, PERIOD, AND END OF STORY, THAT’S ALL FOLKS.

 

MOST OF ALL, YOU NEED TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE NOT BEEN, THAT, MY FRIEND, IS YOUR FAULT! IF YOU CANNOT DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE BECAUSE YOU TOLERATE, ENABLE HIM, DO THINGS HE SHOULD BE DOING FOR HIMSELF, THEN YOU TOO ARE AT FAULT FOR ALLOWING IT TO CONTINUE, PERIOD, END OF STORY.

 

If you do end up back together, after a MUCH NEEDED period of healing and seperation, should he start up, at any time, advise him that you will leave, not tolerate it, and that his behavior is unacceptable. Let him know that you will deal with it when he is more civil. Also, never, EVER, EVER, tolerate lazyness or lies. MOST IMPORTANT, FOLLOW THROUGH. THIS JERK NEEDS TOUGH LOVE, PERIOD!

 

Now, if you are not strong enough to see this through, then just file for divorce and end the cycle, in the long run it will be less painful and drawn out for both of you. Either you and he do what you BOTH NEED to do to make it work, and expect him to do the same, or you don't. That's all, end of story, move on.

 

Sorry this sounds harsh, I very much feel for you and your children. God bless and take care.