Are friends of the opposite sex allowed?

[SARose61]

Hi,

 

I just wanted to throw this question out there. In your marriage, do you allow each other to have close friends of the opposite sex? I'm asking because, I recently started talking to someone that I have a lot in common with. We could honestly be twins. We both have gone through a similar experience with weight loss surgery. I would really like to form a close support network with this man. However I know my husband would freak out over it. The man is also married. So there is no threat of this being anything more than a friendship. How do I know that my husband would over react? When we started dating my best friend at the time was male. My husband treated him very coldly. He offered to pay for a one night stay for us in a really nice hotel for our wedding night and my husband would not accept it. He would make faces and become sullenly quiet whenever I would mention my friend. He wouldn't give me his messages. Eventually my friend and I grew apart and it was very unfortunate. I love my husband dearly. He's wonderful in every other aspect of our marriage. He has very few close friends, even male friends. I dont even know how to begin to talk to him about it and I dont want to feel like I am doing things behind his back either and believe me I already feel like I'm doing that just talking to this new friend that I have. My husband is so bad that if he see's me casually talking to a male say if he is picking me up from work and a coworker is walking out with me, he will say something like well who was that a****le. It is very frustrating. If I try to discuss this with him, he clams up, denies that he is that way altogether.

 

Am I alone in this, anyone else have a very jealous spouse? How do you deal with it?

 

Rose

[JackJack]

I don't think there is anything wrong with people who are married or in a committed relationship having friends of the opposite sex. However, there is a problem if it is a close friendship, to the point to where you tell this "close friend" things you wouldn't share or tell your spouse.

 

Put your self in your husbands postion, would you like it very much if he had a "close friend" of the opposite sex? The things you and this friend talk about, are they things you feel you can share with your spouse? Will this friend be a secret kept from your husband? If you know your husband would freak out like you say, then its probably best to not form this close friendship with this man.

[WTF]

Hi,

 

I just wanted to throw this question out there. In your marriage, do you allow each other to have close friends of the opposite sex? I'm asking because, I recently started talking to someone that I have a lot in common with. We could honestly be twins. We both have gone through a similar experience with weight loss surgery. I would really like to form a close support network with this man. However I know my husband would freak out over it. The man is also married. So there is no threat of this being anything more than a friendship. How do I know that my husband would over react? When we started dating my best friend at the time was male. My husband treated him very coldly. He offered to pay for a one night stay for us in a really nice hotel for our wedding night and my husband would not accept it. He would make faces and become sullenly quiet whenever I would mention my friend. He wouldn't give me his messages. Eventually my friend and I grew apart and it was very unfortunate. I love my husband dearly. He's wonderful in every other aspect of our marriage. He has very few close friends, even male friends. I dont even know how to begin to talk to him about it and I dont want to feel like I am doing things behind his back either and believe me I already feel like I'm doing that just talking to this new friend that I have. My husband is so bad that if he see's me casually talking to a male say if he is picking me up from work and a coworker is walking out with me, he will say something like well who was that a****le. It is very frustrating. If I try to discuss this with him, he clams up, denies that he is that way altogether.

 

Am I alone in this, anyone else have a very jealous spouse? How do you deal with it?

 

Rose

 

It can be uncomfortable to have him act like that ALL the time, I undersatnd that. But NO man wants another man getting freindly with his wife. PERIOD. Also, No man want another man to pay for his honeymoon sweet. That is very demasculising. No matter what your friends intentions were, He should have just bought you guys a toaster oven. It is not in men's genes to take money from other men to help out with thier new marriage.

[PandorasBox]

I think men and women can have friends of the opposite sex. I don't always think its in the best interest though, that they form a close friendship while married. Your close friendship should be with your spouse or partner. Sometimes , one of the people in the friendship has other intentions. Intentional or not though, it can possibly lead that way, then it will be a really big mess.

[goodfriendeva]

i think i would be more ok if this girl was someone we were both friends with and he was friends with her long before i even knew her.. otherwise i would get damn jealous about it..

i think its ok to have a close friendship with the oppisite sex as long as you dont share more then you would with your spouse.

[quankanne]

mixed friendships can work in a marriage, but the key is to be up front and honest about it. Two of my dearest friends are boys (hee) who I met while in college, and my husband knows that I love them like family. He's okay with me getting together with them whenever I go visit my dad, but I think it's because he doesn't view them as a threat as much as he sees them as hand-picked siblings. When I hear from them, I share that with him because more often than not, they want to send greetings, birthday/holiday wishes, etc. And he's pretty good about sharing when someone from his past has found him through sites like "class reunion."

 

 

I can see where it can get tricky when jealousy enters the picture, though. Maybe the key is to gently explain that no one can take his place because he's the one you want as spouse, that they are friends because you've got things in common that you enjoy talking about? The less he feels insecure about y'alls relationship, the easier it might be to have friends of the opposite sec ...

[Sal Paradise]

Hi,

 

The man is also married. So there is no threat of this being anything more than a friendship.

 

Both being married doesn't stop people from cheating under the same circumstances. I'm not saying you will cheat but just be aware that people do it under those circumstances all the time. Furthermore you really don't know what the other guys intentions are.

 

 

That said I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex as long as you set some boundaries. You have to tell your husband about the friend. If you lie about it you're essentially cheating. You shouldn't lean on this friend to provide emotional support that your husband should be providing. That is emotional cheating. You shouldn't share intimate details, fantasys, dreams etc. Once you go down that road you're emotionally cheating and bringing yourself closer to physically cheating. Yes you can be friends even good friends but there has to be limits to the friendship. Deep, soul baring conversations are for your husband not the friend. Even when you don't have a jealous spouse it can sometimes be difficult. In your case it will be even more difficult.

 

I would tread carefully. I'd hate to think how many affairs have started between two married people who started out as friends. Many of them thought they would never cheat. I've heard them describe the other person as their "twin" as well. Having things in common is great but don't confuse that for love or a soul mate.

 

Also be aware that because of your husbands jealousy he may accuse you of cheating. Don't fall into the trap of "well if he's goung to accuse me of it I may as well do it".

 

I think the best thing would be for you and your husband to see a therapist. Perhaps he could see one on his own. If he is as jealous as you describe he needs to come to terms with it. It could end up destroying your marriage in the long term. You could grow to resent him.

[whichwayisup]

It can be uncomfortable to have him act like that ALL the time, I undersatnd that. But NO man wants another man getting freindly with his wife. PERIOD. Also, No man want another man to pay for his honeymoon sweet. That is very demasculising. No matter what your friends intentions were, He should have just bought you guys a toaster oven. It is not in men's genes to take money from other men to help out with thier new marriage.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

We both have gone through a similar experience with weight loss surgery. I would really like to form a close support network with this man. However I know my husband would freak out over it. The man is also married. So there is no threat of this being anything more than a friendship. How do I know that my husband would over react?

 

I think you and your husband need to interact with your new friend and his wife, build a friendship together with them both and then take it from there.

 

Also, explain to your husband the circumstances, the fact this man went through the same surgery as you, so ofcourse there's going to be common ground for something to talk about.

[Romeo Must Die]

Your husband has good boundaries. You could learn something from him. Pay attention.

 

[JamesM]

I have to agree with the others. When I read that you don't think anything can happen because you are both married, then maybe you should consider that this is one of the common ways that affairs begin. Two people of the opposite sex find that they have alot in common. They develop a nice platonic friendship. When either of them has marital strife, then that friend looks even better. The next thing you know...an affair has begun. It is never planned.

 

Do you feel that you have more than just the surgery in common? Do you feel that maybe you have more in common with this man than with your husband?

 

Personally, I think that any male friendship of yours should be shared with your husband. If he is too jealous to handle you having male friends alone, then maybe he can develop some friendship and trust with the other guy this way. Do something as couples...involve his wife.

 

Although he may be a little controlling, he has not gone overboard.

 

BTW, have either of you ever cheated on each other...before or during marriage? Did you or him have alot or only a few relationships prior to marriage?

[My Fair Katie]

Also, No man want another man to pay for his honeymoon sweet. That is very demasculising. No matter what your friends intentions were, He should have just bought you guys a toaster oven. It is not in men's genes to take money from other men to help out with thier new marriage.

 

Agreed 100% I have a male best bud. Known him since 4th grade. He got us a doormat for our wedding gift. We still use it. At this point I consider him the brother I never really wanted but somehow got stuck with anyway.

 

I would also never describe my male best bud as a "close support network." I would, however, say he is a close support network to both myself AND my husband. If my husband were not comfortable with best bud we wouldn't have him over so much (as it is they clicked right away and it's often me left feeling like the third wheel when they stay up till all hours of the morning playing the darn PS2).

 

My husband doesn't really have any female friends, so for myself I've never had to deal with any type of jealousy (sometimes I wish he did, simply because I don't have many female friends at all and could use some pre-made friends to leech on to).

[Meaplus3]

Hi,

 

I just wanted to throw this question out there. In your marriage, do you allow each other to have close friends of the opposite sex? I'm asking because, I recently started talking to someone that I have a lot in common with. We could honestly be twins. We both have gone through a similar experience with weight loss surgery. I would really like to form a close support network with this man. However I know my husband would freak out over it. The man is also married. So there is no threat of this being anything more than a friendship. How do I know that my husband would over react? When we started dating my best friend at the time was male. My husband treated him very coldly. He offered to pay for a one night stay for us in a really nice hotel for our wedding night and my husband would not accept it. He would make faces and become sullenly quiet whenever I would mention my friend. He wouldn't give me his messages. Eventually my friend and I grew apart and it was very unfortunate. I love my husband dearly. He's wonderful in every other aspect of our marriage. He has very few close friends, even male friends. I dont even know how to begin to talk to him about it and I dont want to feel like I am doing things behind his back either and believe me I already feel like I'm doing that just talking to this new friend that I have. My husband is so bad that if he see's me casually talking to a male say if he is picking me up from work and a coworker is walking out with me, he will say something like well who was that a****le. It is very frustrating. If I try to discuss this with him, he clams up, denies that he is that way altogether.

 

Am I alone in this, anyone else have a very jealous spouse? How do you deal with it?

 

Rose

 

Hi, I think it's ok to have very "platonic" male friend while you are married but getting close to a male friend that you have a lot in common with and are attracted to could be a big mistake. I found out the hard way. Developed a close bond with a mm while we were friend's as couples. We were both very attracted to on another from the get go. The friendship led to an emotional affair. The emotional affair then lead to one big fanatasy and addiction to each other that was hard to break. Feeling's were hurt and spouses now know. Now our couples friendship is over There is NC. I am not saying for it will turn out this way for you, but just beware it could.

 

AP

[Poboy]

i have seen a friends marriage broken over this and another one's still going strong whom im good friends with

 

Having good friends once married is totally dependent on the nature of the married couple. for the guy's its much more jealousy inducing to see his woman getting friendly with other men ... women are much more tolerant but there are Boundaries in every relationship.

 

so the fact is , if your husband does not like you making friends with the guys , dont ever go too much friendly with the guys ... maintain a healthy distance in the friendship ... watch you husband's behaviour and analyse where you need to establish the boundries... otherwise , you are asking for trouble ... if he is more tolerant , take it easy and go further in the friendship and try to include him too somehow in the picture so he doesnt left out which can result in change of mindset ...

[whichwayisup]

Just a suggestion, but maybe you need to look into a women's group about this too, so that way you have a range of support, not only with this married man. Might also ease your husband too.

(I can't remember, but how exactly did you meet this man?)

[Lennox]

You both had bariatric surgery (I did too in 2001) and your experiences are similar. I know exactly what you're talking about. Back when I had my surgery, I became familiar with all the potential changes that could occur as a result of a dramatic weight loss. One of the things that really touched me the most is that a lot of people that have bariatric surgery during marriage wind up divorced. The reasons? They discover there are more opportunities with the opposite sex. They opt to "trade up". They get involved in emotional affairs with other people. Our hormones change as a result of rapid weight loss and the fluctuation of emotions go along with that. The spouse of the patient grows jealous of the new found attention being placed on their suddenly thinner spouse.

 

You didn't mention how long you have been married, but if your spouse married you in part BECAUSE you were overweight and that made him feel more secure in the relationship with you, you can see where that would make him feel very uneasy now! I was 100 lbs heavier when I married my hubby, but I was lucky that he went along with the changes with me rather than fight them.

 

I would think that counseling is in order for both of you. Don't even go there with the friendship with that guy until you both are comfortable with it. You have had some major changes to deal with, and it sounds like your hubby already had a green eyed monster going there. In the meantime, whoever gave you your bariatric surgery should have an ongoing support group tied in with it. I'd say get involved with the group and invite hubby to go along with you to meetings. If they don't have that, find an Overeater's Anonymous group you can both attend. Trust me, you will still have to deal with the eating issues on an emotional level even though your tummy is very small now and you physically cannot eat much.