What makes game-players tick ?? !! ??

[wunderbug]

Can someone, anyone, enlighten me as to why some guys (or people in general) play such stupid little games? Are they games?

 

Back in the winter, I dated a guy for several months. He started out strong but fizzled out once things started getting serious. His ability to communicate on any adult level was sorely lacking, which caused me a whole lot of stress and aggravation. I was the one to end things, due to sheer frustration. He didn't seem to mind as I think he was looking for more of a "friends with benefits" type gal.

 

3 months ago, I realized that despite the fact he'd been a player of sorts, I did miss many qualities he possessed....qualities that are important in a sound friendship, so I jokingly dropped him an email, having not spoken to him in all those months. I was shocked to find he'd responded to my email within like 10 minutes of me having sent it. He was his usual witty, flirty, smartass self. I'd missed that. I had no desire whatsoever, to rekindle anything because frankly, our 'relationship' was very much on the superficial side, there was no depth there, he was emotionally retarded. But, we mailed back and forth and it was kind of nice. He then told me he wanted to stop by and visit me, made up some lame excuse...and he did. He casually suggested we attend some sports function that coming weekend, something he knew I'd really like to go to. Story short, that function came and went and I stopped hearing from him altogether. I was p*ssed! That's now how you treat a friend.

 

Here I had extended my friendship and was willing to let bygones be bygones and the bugger craps all over me again, and lets me down. So I write him a brief email and tell him that he's just not worthy of my friendship, adios.

 

Well a few days ago, I'm on the internet personals site that we met on....didn't really know it was his profile I was reading as the 'username' was not the same. Same sense of humor, though. He drops me a line in his usual witty, sarcastic manner.......and I just don't have it in me to be a b*tch so I figure, what the heck? Next thing you know, the phone rings. I wouldn't have even thought he'd have remembered my phone number. So we talk and talk and talk. He suggests we get together for a BBQ in the coming days...says he'll bring the steak, I can do the veggies, that sort of thing. No definite plans (such a commitment-phobe). Then he has to go as he's taking his kids to the lake and he has some things to do.

 

20 minutes later, phone rings again.....he's wondering if I'd like to drive out to his place and go with him and his kids to spend the afternoon at the lake (scorching hot day), and then back to his house for a BBQ. It sounded like fun and it's been ages since I've been to a lake so what the heck, I go.

 

It's a nice afternoon, he's not overly chatty but we do sit there and talk a bit while watching his kids on the beach. Supper goes good, we talk more about things in general (his job, my job, etc). My heart wasn't going pitter patter or anything...and I knew he had some things to do with his kids so I left at 8:30...a little quickly, I didn't want it to appear like I "didn't want to leave", you know?....so I kindly thanked him for the afternoon, dinner and that was that.

 

Yesterday I dropped him a quick line on the personal's site, and like before, joked around a bit (he's a real joker)...and told him something silly like how funny it was that when we were together, he could never make me dinner but now he did.....believe me, I carefully worded things so as not to come across as interested. This I'm sure of. It "shows" that he read my letter.....and that he was there, surfing the personals for a good hour or more..but the bozo didn't even have the class or courtesy to send back a 10 word response. What the hell?

 

What is this crap all about? Is this some kind of control thing? That he gets us on speaking terms again and then gets a thrill out of blowing me off?

 

Do I possibly stir up feelings in him about me, and it scares him so he avoids me as a way of dealing with it?

 

Does he just communicate with me when HE feels like it, when HE'S bored or when HE has nobody else better to talk to, and once the urge passes, he blows me off cuz I'm of no use to him?

 

This isn't just some guy I dated a few times in the past...we had a fairly serious relationship and were extremely close. He disappointed and hurt me on a few occasions and made my life rather stressful toward the end of our relationship (thus forcing me to love myself enough to end things, and he didn't seem to mind at all)....yet I keep trying to be the bigger person and not live in the past....and offer my friendship....and he just continue to ****e all over it. Is this just some kind of game? An ego trip?

 

Be assured, I won't give this drip the time of day from this day forward. He's proven that he's selfish and cares only about himself...and that's no kind of person to offer friendship to.

 

I'm just trying to understand what his thinking might be here. This isn't some confused little 16 yr old..this is a man in his mid 30's.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thank you

[clia]

Sounds to me like me might be afraid of commitment. He's all fine and good when things are superficial, but when things start to get a little serious...POOF!

 

There's little to nothing you can do in this situation. Just rest assured, it's not about you. Or, it is to the extent that he likes you a lot, but can't fathom starting a relationship with you because it scares the crap out of him. But it's not because he doesn't like you. It's because he does. Flip through Men Who Can't Love next time you go to the bookstore. You might recognize some of the situations in there. This is something you probably don't want to deal with. It makes his problems yours, which is no fun at all.

 

Just my opinion...

[wunderbug]

But these past two occasions (now and 3 months ago, when I extended my friendship), I've been enormously careful about sending any wrong signals....becuz if truth be told, I'm not even attracted to him any more...attracted in the kind of way that i'd have to be attracted to someone I was interested in. All the crap he put me through while we were together totally turned me off from ever again having any romantic feelings or interest in him, other than just plain and simple friendship.

 

So it's not like he's diggin the casual, superficial stuff and then whammo, I throw him a curve ball or cross the line of friendship and send him some signals indicating I want to try again? That's just not the case. I know with all my heart because I don't FEEL that way in my heart.

 

So maybe you're thinking that despite how I'm sincerely only interested in and capable of a friendship, maybe he realizes he feels more when we do get together and that scares the bejeezus out of him? Well what an idiot...because this time he's lost me for good and I've let him know in email as much.

 

Is that book called "Men Who Can't Love and the Woman Who Love Them"? If so, I think I have it from years ago?

 

Thanks Clia

[Tony T]

Why is it so important to understand why he acts the way he does?

 

He's simply a rude, undependable asxhole who doesn't deserve your time. Write him off. You don't need an irresponsible, game playing dork in your life.

 

Any further problems you get from associating with the guy are 100 percent your fault and you will then need to look in the mirror to see who needs the help.

[wunderbug]

Maybe it's not important to you or 99.8% of readers here, or on the planet for that matter, understanding why he is the way he is, but it just is to me. Not that I'm going to lose any sleep over it, I just like to pick people's brains and figure out what makes them tick. I am so not like this guy, I would never crap on something like this, so his whole MO and/or mindset is foreign to me. I can't help but wonder if it's an ego or control or power thing...it just makes no sense.

 

I already stated that I'd have nothing more to do with him from this point on, and I meant that.....it's a given that I'd only have myself to blame/to call a fool, if I gave him another second of my time, or another chance. I've lost all respect for him....but that doesn't stop me from trying to understand why someone would be this way. No conscience? No sense of right or wrong? Living in denial? A diehard user?

 

I'm sure over the course of my life, I'll have the displeasure of encountering other people like this...would just be interesting to understand why they do what they do, and what could possibly motivate them to treat others with such a lack of respect.

[velvet]

He doesn't want a g/f or a r/s. Hes going through dating sites looking for people have fun with. With his characteristics he has no intentions on settling down.

 

Friends with benefits! I wouldn't want a r/s labeled like that myself. Considering even after all the time that has gone by since you dated him and his unchanged ways he still is not looking for a r/s.

 

Definitely wright him off. You don't want a person who will break plans, not show up on time or show no respect for you. Respect is small word with a big big meaning.

 

Unless he shows he respects you as a person, a potential partner or shows that he really does care you have no clue what a confusing disaster it could grow into.

 

Drop the games by leaving him alone. If he contacts you let him work for you.

[Tony T]

Knock yourself out, babe! This guy probably doesn't even know himself why he acts the way he does...and you're setting out to spend your valuable time trying to figure him out. Wow, the ambition you have.

 

I think if that's what you want to do, you should go at it. It took Thomas Edison more than 1000 tries and several years before he invented the lightbulb. I hope you figure this guy out in less time than that.

 

I am 100 percent supportive of you if you want to do this. But we don't know him here so you're really on your own. And once you think you've figured him out, just who will you get to confirm your findings since he doesn't even know himself.

 

I just wished I had so much time on my hands. I'm honestly envious of you.

 

I'm also jealous because you're a whole lot smarter than I am if you can come to some definitive, proveable conclusions about why this guy is so goofy. As a matter of fact, you are downright genius!!!

[wunderbug]

You know, there's really no need to be so sarcastic with me, or to mock me as you're doing.

 

I didn't come here asking specifically why HE is doing these things, I asked why people LIKE THIS IN GENERAL act like this.

 

What is the point of forums like this, for people to turn to when they're trying to figure things out, if people just give them pat answers like "forget him or you're just a fool for putting up with his (her) crap!" I'm sure most people trying to figure someone, or a relationship out, are more than capable of telling that to themself.

 

If you feel my post here is so pointless and I'm only wasting my time for posting, just ignore it......I'll wait til someone comes along who's either been on the giving end, or receiving end. You sure have a way of trying to make someone feel like a dork for trying to figure something out. Wow.

[wunderbug]

That's fine that he's not wanting a relationship. That doesn't matter one bit to me, cuz I don't want one with him. Like I said, I was only offering friendship, which he more than indicated he wanted as well.

 

I don't care that he's on the personals sites...that's where he met me, after all. If he were the last man on earth, I wouldn't date him. I just know that in a lot of respects, we're like 2 peas in a pod and were at one time, very good friends...and I missed the friendship, that's all. He can sleep with half of Texas for all I care. THis was never about me wanting to rekindle some kind of relationship with him. I'm just trying to figure out why people treat friends like sh*t.

[midori]

"I'm just trying to figure out why people treat friends like sh*t."

 

Because they can. I first started coming to this site about a year ago, as I was trying to sort out why my ex-boyfriend insisted on being such an as**ole to me. I probably wrote something very similar to your initial posting -- and just like with you, Tony replied with what I thought at the time was undue sarcasm and a lack of understanding.

 

I've since learned that Tony is often very wise and never intends to be dismissive or malicious. But that's beside the point.

 

I hear myself in what you're saying. It took me well over a year to get to the point where I could finally say "it doesn't matter what he was thinking. It doesn't matter where he's coming from. All that matters is that his behavior is completely unacceptable." It's a very difficult thing to understand.

 

But look at it this way: if you went to a restaurant and ordered a delicious-sounding entree that subsequently gave you food poisoning, would you ask yourself, "I wonder why that restaurant served me bad food, I wonder what they were thinking." No, you would simply resolve never to eat there again, especially not the dish that made you sick. But say for some reason (maybe it's your favorite restaurant) you did go back, and got sick again -- that would be enough, surely, to convince you to never eat there again. You wouldn't waste your time thinking "I wish there was something that could be done to change things at that restaurant so that I could safely eat there." No, you'd find a new place, one that isn't going to send you running to the bathroom. No further thought necessary.

 

As Tony pointed out, even if you do reach a conclusion that satisfies your need to know about this guy, there's no way to verify that you are right. As long as you need to verify it with him, get him to recognize and validate your assessment of him, you're not over him. I've finally accomplished that where my ex is concerned. I've got my understanding of what was going on, and I don't need him or anyone else to validate it for me.

 

A couple of months ago I did what you did, got in touch w/the ex to let him know that despite all the crap he pulled on me I was willing to let bygones be bygones. I would have thought that he'd have jumped at the chance to have his slate wiped clean and have me as his friend (I'm a damn good friend, and I was an excellent girlfriend). Instead he rebuffed me, saying that he didn't think there was any point in maintaining ties to each other. I was hurt, very very angry, and quite puzzled. I thought about it for a long time (it still occupies my mind from time to time). But I've generally realized that, while I'll never be able to explain his behavior to my satisfaction, his most recent actions just go to show that marriage to him would have been a disaster, that having him in my life in any capacity would bring unnecessary unpleasantness into my life.

 

There are no cover-all answers for why things happen the way they do, why people behave the way they do ... sometimes you just have to accept that you don't know exactly why something is the way it is. This is probably one of those things.

 

It'll take time, but you'll get past this. Good luck.

[wunderbug]

Your response was really what I'd hoped to read....the thoughts and/or experience of someone who'd had someone "like this" in their life.

 

What you say makes a lot of sense. And I really will not lose sleep over why he's such a dog, I was just curious. As you were (are), I too was (and am) a great friend and without meaning to sound conceited, this guy would be damn lucky to have a friend like myself in his life. Oh well, his loss. I should have never given him a 2nd or 3rd chance.....I suppose I just thought that in time, we'd put the past behind us and get back to that friendship that drew us together in the first place (only for the sake of being just friends).

 

I just don't understand people I can't relate to, I guess that's the bottom line. I could never treat (mistreat) someone the way he, or a person like that, has. It's just not in me to play these sorts of games, surely not at this age. It's not even like this guy has many good friends (mostly just buddies or aquaintances). Oh well, his loss. Should he contact me again, I'll completely ignore him and be far less quick to forget his tricks. I will not continue to make the same mistake again. I'm worth more than that.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I'm just trying to figure out why people treat friends like sh*t."

 

I've tried to figure that out for years. Still think about it sometimes.

 

For some reason, at the root of these situations seems to most often be that the partner being treated like sh*t has been extremely kind, generous, thoughtful, considerate, forgiving, etc. So, it is illogical to me and outerworld for harsh treatment to result from these qualities and behaviors but it does. I just don't know why and I'm not going to mindf**k myself trying to figure that out.

 

Since you seem to be hell bent on taking over my research project...you've got it. I'll give you a thousand dollars if you find a definitive answer to this irony!!! You can email me for your reward through this message board.

 

And, by the way, the advice I have given you comes directly from my own personal experiences of being treated shabbily, like sh*t, by people I've only been kind to. I've been there, done that, have the T-****, the certificate and the Ph.D.

 

But I thank all those people who treated me this way because in retrospect I see that they needed to keep it up until it got through my very thick, stupid skull that if I didn't become strong and assertive and STOP taking their crap, I would continue to get stomped, pulverized, and pounded into the ground until I did.

 

On one other note, you said you are trying to find out why people do this in general...and no specifically why your guy did this. I think this falls into a category that cannot be generalized. Different people do it for a host of reasons, from fear of intimacy and displacement of agression to just plain mean-spiritedness.

 

For a good start on your research, go to http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap5/chap5j.htm There you will find a list and explanation of a number of unconscious defense mechanisms which explain some aspects of human behavior that may help you.

[velvet]

The game is only played as far as you can take it. The other partner doesn't care or care to acknowledge what their doing to you. They just don't care. To be ahead of the game you have to do what your intuition tells you to do. If a man is hurting you emotionally, physically or whatever, what do you do? You stop it. Thats my situation today. I want to be ahead of the game. A man cant learn his lesson if you continue to give him the lead. Either lead, dont follow or get the fuc~ out of the way.