how do you deal with on again...off again...

[ninga317]

i feel like i'm going to give up on him, but i don't want to. i think that we're in love, but i think that he's a cp. when we're together, everything is great, but , all of a sudden every 6 months or so, he seems to get standofish, and then here comes the "big bomb". he doesn't want a relationship right now, or some other kind of lame excuse.

 

to make a long story short, his wife died of cancer 13 years ago, and left him with 2 semi grown girls, (one was 17 and the other one was 21) they had been married for 24 years.

 

don't get me wrong, he wasn't a saint during those years, i had actually been with him once before his wife died (and i know that was wrong) but we never were together again until 12 years after that.

 

i guess my question is...everytime he feels like things are getting too serious(mind you, he's been living with me in my house which is about 1/3 the size of his nice house) he says he feels like he's losing his identity.

 

he had a very good paying job( which he retired from on nov.1 of this year) and now that he really doesn't have anything to do, i think that this might have something to do with it.

 

there are other things that come into the situation (that i would be willing and happy to answer). i just think that this is one of the best sites i've ever seen, and believe me i've checked alot.

 

by the way, i'm 42 and he's 58. i know that's a big difference in years, but, like i said, we have been friends for alot of years, and always had mutual friends. age has never been an issue with me.

 

i know that these posts are most responded to by people wanting to know what is going on with the relationship, and believe me i have a whole lot more to tell. (possible cheating, major lack of communication, him shutting down at any sign of conflict or confrontation).

 

i know that he loves me, and i know that i love hime too.

 

i have done the nc and it has worked like a charm. but, the only reason that it has worked this time is that i finally decided that this time, i'm doing it for me, and not to get him back. this time i decided that i can't go through the pain again. every time he gets cold feet aboout our relationship, he does this, (doesn't want to be in a relationship), and then he starts calling, little by little, to see where i'm at with the whole situation. i know that it sounds like he's playing games, but there are really other problems (on his part) that factor into it.

 

i would be willing to answer any questions (and i'm sure there are many) just to give you more of an understanding of our situation.

 

thank you to anybody that respnds, because any insight is helpful.

[norajane]

What do you want out of this relationship? And do you believe it is truly possible for him to give you what you want?

 

What does he want for his life - not relationship - but for the rest of his life? Does he know?

 

Do you have goals that you share? Something you are planning for and are excited about achieving together? What is keeping you together?

[ninga317]

do you know what norajane, you are exactley right about your response, because i have asked myself the the same questions. it makes me think about things. i love our home life together. we cook, clean, eat, and go to bed at the same time (watch csi or law and order), and he always says he loves that too.

 

we have two dogs and two cats together, and he was always the one to take care of them while was at work.

 

as far as our future plans, we talked about it here and there. (he's

black and i am white) and i always wanted to make sure that he would be "the one" and i think that he felt the same way. i've met more of his family than he has of mine.

 

anyway, as i'm writing this it looks crazy, but believe me, when i say that we had 90% good times and only 10% bad. we've had a garden every summer, we enjoy cooking together, we did all of our housework together, he came to work with me, on more than on occassion, we were really close.

 

 

he had prostate cancer, and because of the treatment, it isn't able to "perform" but i really don't care about if he can "perform" or not, i just love him anyway. i wish he would have more confidence in me and our relationship.

 

 

as your're reading this, you're probably wondering what i look like. well, i'm 5' 7", 165lbs, and because of years of playing sports, i'm more muscle than fat. i'm well educated and still going to college.

 

 

 

i don't know what's going to happen with us, but it seems like the more i do nc, the more he tries to contact me and real soon i'm not going to care about anyting to do with us anymore. i don't want that to happen...but it will...and i wil get on withi my life. i just wish it would be with him.