she's having an affair!!!!

[liamsac]

found a word document in my wife's computer. Describing her affair and her expectations.

 

I don't know if this letter was sent. But the thought of her having an affair in creating havoc with my life.

 

I haven't confronted her about this yet as she's in another city right now.

 

Just found out about it 2 days ago July 9th. What should I do?

[Tony T]

First, calm down and try to look at things objectively. This is not the end of the world...it happens more often than you think. It's still painful, it's still a betrayal, and it often signals the end of a marriage.

 

If you really feel this letter is for real and is absolute proof that your wife is having an affair, you will have to confront her.

 

People have affairs because they're not getting something from their marriage. If she is a good communicator, you will already know what that is. It could be she needs somebody who will listen to her; somebody who will take her out and do things with her more; somebody who will meet her emotional needs in a more fulfilling manner; somebody who will be more interested in sex; somebody who will be more passionate and exciting; somebody who will be more interested in her overall; somebody who will compliment her; basically a paramour will be somebody who fills a need or needs that are missing in the marriage.

 

For some, it's just the exhiliaration of doing something that is forbidden (the thrill of the possibility of getting caught), akin to the feeling of excitement wealthy people get when they shoplift in a store they could easily afford to buy. The fact that your wife left this letter in a computer you had access to makes this an excellent possiblity. It also increases the odds she could have just written this for you to see to get a rise out of you and there is no real affair.

 

It's even possible she's looking for a man who will meet her needs for some personal privacy within the context of marriage.

 

Your first problem is deciding if you can forgive this. That's totally up to you. For most people, forgiving is not nearly as difficult as forgetting. Forgetting is nearly impossible for most but that's what you'll have to do if you want you marriage to work. For the healing process to work, you'll have to pledge to never, ever bring up the subject again...but it will always be in your mind.

 

The second problem is seeing if at this point your wife has enough interest in her marriage to you to desire to work it out. It takes two and if she's not willing to give this affair up, if in fact it really exists, then your marriage is over.

 

The third problem is deciding if YOU really want this marriage. Very often men neglect particulars of their marriage because they're bored or no longer in love or interested. Learning of the affair of a spouse rekindles certain feelings, especially jealousy, but that isn't love. You have to figure out if you really love this woman enough to recommit to her and once again give her the things which have been missing...and be able to do it on a PERMANENT BASIS.

 

This will not be easy. You will not trust her for a very long time. You will be going through her computer every day until she dies. Only extremely mature, forgiving, emotionally evolved people can pull off a reconciliation after an affair and usually with the masterful help of a highly competent counsellor.

 

You must confront her in a non-threatening way. She will be extremely angry at the invasion of her privacy. Give her time to get over that and let her know you understand. Rage over invasion of privacy is a natural response to being caught at something. It's just a human thing so deal with it.

 

Once she calms down, let her know you're hurt. If you want this marriage to work and what to do what's necessary to put it back together, go for it. If you don't, talk out the details of a divorce.

 

In this day of computers and the Internet, cheating is such an easy thing to do. Very often it only involves the printed word and the people never actually meet...I think they call it cybersex. That's probably easier to forgive than the real thing.

 

My feeling from reading your post is you should see a counsellor before you begin the entire process of confronting her....that is, if you want your marriage to continue. If you just don't care anymore, do what you want and bring things to a conclusion.

 

Depending on how long you've been married, you could be financially hurt in a divorce because most states have no-fault marriage and adultery is not a basis for reducing a settlement. But if you're not happy, this should not even be a factor in getting away.

 

It might be a bad idea to consult with an attorney before you confont your wife. Things you say and do at this stage can work against you if there's money or property involved, depending on the laws of your state.

 

Good luck.

[liamsac]

First off, I'd like to thank for your advice.

 

I do intend to confront her about it when she gets back from a trip.

 

The painful feeling is not really the betrayal, it's not knowing if she's having an affair.

 

I remembered her telling me that she's looking for a soulmate. Maybe she found one already. But we've talked about this and agreed on her telling me about it.

 

 

"The fact that your wife left this letter in a computer you had access to makes this an excellent possiblity. It also increases the odds she could have just written this for you to see to get a rise out of you and there is no real affair. "

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Maybe. But she doesn't have to do that to get a rise in me.

 

 

 

"You must confront her in a non-threatening way. She will be extremely angry at the invasion of her privacy. Give her time to get over that and let her know you understand. Rage over invasion of privacy is a natural response to being caught at something. It's just a human thing so deal with it. "

===============

That's my current problem right now. How to tell her that not only did I find the letter in her computer, I gone through all her things looking for other information about the guy when I got smashed alone at home.

 

 

Once she calms down, let her know you're hurt. If you want this marriage to work and what to do what's necessary to put it back together, go for it. If you don't, talk out the details of a divorce.

=============

Ahhh, there's no divorce where I live (philippines) only annulment. A costly process.

 

Thanks for the advice again.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I remembered her telling me that she's looking for a soulmate. Maybe she found one already. But we've talked about this and agreed on her telling me about it."

 

So your wife told YOU, HER HUSBAND, that she is looking for a soulmate??? Your wife is pretty goofy and/or pretty mean. That's an extremely hurtful thing for a woman to say to her husband, even though it may be honest.

 

If your wife is not satisfied in this marriage, if she is actually looking for a soulmate as she stated to you, let her go. Don't waste your time with her. By saying this, she has not only shown she is not interested in a marriage with you but she has shown herself to be extremely cruel and heartless. You don't need someone like that in your life.

 

You say there is no divorce in the Philippines, only annulment. Well, divorce takes place in the heart....not on paper....not in a court....not in a government agency. If your wife's heart is not in this marriage, you are ALREADY divorced. All you need is the paperwork.

 

I like the idea that your country does not have divorce and makes it difficult and costly to get an annulment. If it was that way in the United States, people might work harder on their marriages instead of walking away from them so easily. However, under your circumstances, there should be a simple way out. There is no reason for the government to make it difficult to get away from a woman who is not interested in being with you...and, in fact, is looking for her "soulmate."

 

If you find after talking to her that an annulment is what you really need, send me a private message through this forum and I will see that you get the funds. US Dollars go a long way in your country. I don't want to see you stuck in a situation like this.

 

I find it extremely interesting that many American men adore the ways of Filipino women and pay a lot of money to go to your country and bring them back for wives. It's too bad they don't know people are the same all over the world.

[liamsac]

Confronted here already. It seems that it was just some of her fantasy. But it showed there are problems that need to be resolved. So we are going to counseling and having a lot of heart to heart talks in the process.

 

Lovemaking has been getting better.

 

Thanks again.

[Ally Boo]

Yeah your problem is that you are married to a person who doesn't believe you are her Soulmate....Counseling is a VERY good idea...make sure the therapist knows about her wackiness for thinking this and staying with you, and your staying with her AFTER she's said that....