Myspace nightmare!Did I overreact in dumping suspected cheating boyfriend

[lorr]

I really need some advice on a partner that I currently suspect of cheating. A few weeks ago(call it womans intuition)that I felt that something was not right in the relationship. It had been bugging me, and to cut a long story short I confronted him about my feeling and he told me that he had no reason whatsoever to cheat on me.

 

I noticed that my boyfriend had decided to join with myspace, since the start of the year, and I was totally fine with it, as he said it was a good way to network with other people within the music business, as he is a musician.

 

Anyway I thought if myspace was a good way of networking then I would join, as I am currently trying to get a foot in the door with my music also.

 

A few days ago we had an argument, and I did not hear from him for a few days after, and as my suspicions were on "high alert" I decided to visit his myspace page, for any clues.

 

Little did I know that he was conversing with a woman on there, for the past several months. I felt sick, as he wrote to her."I miss you babesxxxx, "Miss you", "Stay sexyxxx. She also replies back that she misses him also.

Reading further, I also noticed that he was planning to meet her, over a month ago, without my knowledge.

 

What hurts me the most is that the same messages that he sent to her, is the same messages that he has been texting me through our two year relationship. To make it worst she also says to him that they are best friends, and I have never heard him mention this woman.

 

Anyway I ended it with him via email(I know this is not the way, but could not handle a face to face, and I was angry, which would not have helped things).I have not heard anything from him since,but he has pulled silly stunts before, and I have been foolish enough to take him back, especially when he pulls the water works.

 

What he did was the last straw, and I feel hurt but at the same time relief.

 

Just need to know if I was overreacting about this?

Should I have given him the chance to explain?

Did I do the right thing?

 

I don't want to generalise about men, but are there really any decent ones who don't feel the need to lie.

 

I always said to him,that if he met anyone else, that he should be honest enough to tell me, and I would gladly let him go, as I am not into this whole charades of cheating.

 

How do I move on from this and not make the same mistakes again?

 

Please reply and be brutally honest if needs be!!!

 

 

[laRubiaBonita]

i did the exact same thing..... so no worries. and like you, it was THE last straw, meaning there were already other infractions in the relationship.

 

now.... no more looking at and obssessing over his myspace page, you need to rebuild yourself.

[blind_otter]

I agree with lRB. You did the right thing. Just don't obsess about it too much.

[RecordProducer]

What he did was the last straw, and I feel hurt but at the same time relief.

You followed your gut feeling and said this was the last straw so you obviously don't think you made a mistake by breaking up with him. I am sorry you got so disappointed.

 

Just need to know if I was overreacting about this?

You reacted to his lies. Whether you over-react doesn't matter. People shouldn't put themselves in a position where they cause others to react or over-react in a negative way. He made a mistake by lying to you and paid for it. Did he pay too much? He didn't ask for the price when he reached for what he wanted to grab so now you can make him pay whatever you want.

 

Should I have given him the chance to explain?

You should always give people the chance to explain their actions IF YOU THINK THAT THEIR EXPLANATION MIGHT CHANGE SOMETHING. In that manner, you give yourself a better choice to decide what to do next.

 

But sometimes you shouldn't give them the chance. When my mom's real estate agent asked her for something stupid, I told her NOT to do it and NOt to even give him the chance to explain WHY he wanted it, because by doing so she is allowing him to open a terrain for negotionations. She didn't listen to me, she talked to him, just "to hear what crap he has to say." Turned out he persuaded her (na dme, too!) that his intentions were innocent and he had no agenda behind it. And later we discovered she made a mistake. He did have an agenda.

 

If you know that someone will bullsh*t you and try to fool you then don't give him the opportunity to do so, because people are not only liars, but they are excellent liars! Impulsive reactins are not always wrong!

I don't want to generalise about men, but are there really any decent ones who don't feel the need to lie.

Yes, there are. People will always use small white lies to avoid problems, but there ARE men who are genuinely good and honorable. My husband is.

 

I always said to him,that if he met anyone else, that he should be honest enough to tell me, and I would gladly let him go, as I am not into this whole charades of cheating.

That's like telling a murderer: "If you want to kill me, please tell me right away, cuz I don't want to be killed." You just revealed your cards to him and warned him to be more careful. If you want to check if the guy is faithful, tell him that you're NOT jealous! Then see how he is using his "freedom."

 

How do I move on from this and not make the same mistakes again?

Why are you looking at this as a mistake? This guy helped you get over your ex-husband. He played a very significant and wonderful role in your life. It took me 2 years to get over my ex-husband and it finally happened when I met another guy that I really liked. That relationship turned out to be a "mistake" but for me it was a huge step toward happiness, not only because I got over my ex. I realized what I didn't need in my life. This guy didn't like the fact that I had children so I concentrated on looking for a guy who likes kids. And I found a guy who adores my children and married him.

 

Everyone plays a certain role in our lives and we should take advantage of it. Your heart will heal and your mind goes on richer and wiser. It's a gift like any other. As long as we're healthy and alive, everything else is just experience and a subjcet to change.

 

What kind of musician are you? How about your ex-BF?

[Trialbyfire]

Little did I know that he was conversing with a woman on there, for the past several months. I felt sick, as he wrote to her."I miss you babesxxxx, "Miss you", "Stay sexyxxx. She also replies back that she misses him also.

Reading further, I also noticed that he was planning to meet her, over a month ago, without my knowledge.

 

What hurts me the most is that the same messages that he sent to her, is the same messages that he has been texting me through our two year relationship. To make it worst she also says to him that they are best friends, and I have never heard him mention this woman.

 

 

These two paragraphs say it all. Player. You did the right thing.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

You absolutely did the right thing. You are not overreacting. I know it's hard but in the long run, you will thank yourself for the quick, painless (ok maybe not painless!) sever. I wish we were all strong like you!!

[typical]

Good job with leaving the ball-less wonder. Dont change your mind and dont take him back. No matter what. Dont be weak and fall into his charade.

 

I tell you what I would do...You broke up with him via email, and I presume you havent talked to him since? Take a short vacation out of town. That will help the craving to see him or forgive him when he pulls out the crocodile tears.

[ellie1977]

I just read your message and my first thought was: How do you feel letting him go?

[goodfriendeva]

well.. he has the right to explain.. only if you want him to explain himself.. but even if he did and told you it was nothing would you believe him? honey go with you gut on this.. what was there probably was.. sorry

[lorr]

I feel a mix of emotions. I feel hurt that he would hide something like this, and at the same time I feel relief.

 

I was having these gut feelings for the past couple of months, so you could say that I had prepared myself for the worst. I have done my crying(which wasn't very long) and I realise that the best revenge is to move on with my life, and to have faith and belief that someone decent and loving will come along when I least expect it.

 

I've been keeping myself busy by working,listening to loads of soppy love songs, and I have been consoling with family and friends and people on LS who definetly believe that I have done the right thing, so you can say that I feel a bit better having their support.

 

I am now starting to see the relationship for what it really was.

So many times he never made the effort to introduce me to his close family and friends which I thought was odd,and I always made a point of telling him this, even though he's met mine.He was secretive with certain things that he did, and as I am not the type of person to hide how I was feeling, I straight out confronted him about this. He would always make excuses, but I would always catch him out on certain things,then he would do the "Oh i'm so sorry"followed up by being affectionate which would lead to the obvious, which in turn was not doing my self esteem any good.

 

To tell you the truth I think it just came down to the stage where the relationship in my eyes was starting to run its course, and I was getting sick to death of his"don't know how to take him"days that he would have, and I realised that I deserved a hell of alot better.

 

I don't hate him,but feel that he was deceitful,and cunning in the way he went behind my back.I have lost respect for him,and although a part of me will feel something for him, I couldn't go back into the relationship, as it would be one big vicious circle, and I know that deep down nothing would ever change,and he wouldn't learn anything from this.

 

It's not worth me being in a relationship with him, and he was not thinking about me whatsoever when he was carrying on with his BS. So at the end of the day its his loss.

 

 

 

[HeadlessZebra]

Wow, this thread is really bizarre to me because I have a friend who is in the EXACT SAME SITUATION with his girlfriend. I completely thought it was his girlfriend posting this until I saw the OP's location and that they'd only recently joined Myspace. My friend lives in the US and has been on myspace for a couple of years. Other than that, identical!

 

Yes, my friend is a musician who cheats on his girlfriend of two years. I have never been involved with him in any way, but he is my good friend. We message back and forth to stay in touch since I moved away. She (the girlfriend) messaged me the other day to give me the third degree, asking if I'd ever done anything with him or whether we'd talked recently, etc. She told me about his previous (repeated) unfaithfulness, and asked me to be honest with her and tell her what she should do. Apparently she had broken into his Myspace and searched his inbox, even going so far as to send me a message from his account saying "I want to f*ck you!" (probably to see how I'd respond, and expose some 'affair').

 

Well, it was all I could do to keep from telling her to RUN!!! RUN LIKE HELL!!! That man does not love her, and even all his friends know she's the inside joke of the town. I mean, really, it doesn't take a freaking GENIUS to see that if he's cheated on her again and again and again, and broken every single promise, he's not going to change!!! It's just the way he is, and face it, he's just not that into her!!

 

But I couldn't tell her that, because her boyfriend is my friend and she is not. I've never met her in my life. So for my friend's sake I had to keep my eager piehole shut.

 

But this is the same advice I give to you, Lorr. Don't go down as the village idiot. Stop wasting your time on this man.

[RecordProducer]

Lorr, I am sorry, but I am a little bit confused here. You mentioned a lot of gut feeling and predictions that he would or wouldn't, but I didn't hear any facts that prove anything. Even the story with Myspace is not a proof of infidelity or his sleezy personality.

 

The reason why this post is different from my previous is because you said something that tickled my attention: that he didn't want to introduce you to his family and was secretive about certain things.

 

When people don't want to introduce us to someone, the reason may be us, but it may be the other party (the third party in this case). Have you thought about the possibility that he might be ashamed of his family for whatever reason? That your family might be better than his in his eyes and he doesn't want you to see it?

 

If your answer is something like "No, his family is a bunch of wealthy attornies" then maybe his family would interfere with his choice and find faults in you so he wants to show them that he doesn't need their permission and at the same time wants to protect you. This is really not a proof that he doesn't care about you.

 

You didn't leave him because you thought he was a player. You did it because you thought he doesn't care about you if he could communicate and hide this woman from you or didn't want you to meet his family. But the truth exists somewhere and only he knows if he is into you or not.

 

So you made the assumption that he doesn't care and that's now a fact in your mind. No, it's not. You don't know the fact. You are perfectly capable of telling whether someone loves you or not, but you seem to concentrate on the bad things that are in fact irrelevant.

 

Did he not call you every day? Did he see you once a week, have sex with you then call a cab for you? Did he forget your birthday and never got you any presents? Was he not affectionate and attentive? Did he call you names? Did he never give you any compliments? Did he go out with his buddies regularly and let you know that you're not invited? Did you ever ask him for a favor and he refused to help you even though it was not a big deal for him, but was a big deal for you?

 

These and similar questions are the ones you should ask yourself when determining whether he is into you or not. You think that woman is a big deal, but she might be some fat and ugly girl that is in love with him and he flirts with her cuz he feels sorry for her. Maybe he is not willing to give up his freedom EASILY and wants to rermain free for as long as he can until he decides to commit to you forever.

 

A lot of assumptions and predictions on your part, hon. Sometimes, more often than not, things seem to be in a certain way, but they are not. And sometimes our gut feelings are plain wrong.

 

I used to assume many bad things about my husband when we first started living together. The more I got to know him the more confidence and trust I had in him. I was also making a big deal out of every email he'd get from a woman and a million other things, not just related to jealousy. Now I laugh at them.

 

All the things I had a gut feeling about seemed very real and big at the time, so big, that if I weren't in a foreign country, I would have packed my bags and hit the road. All my fears and accusations were out of place. When I dated my husband, many people told me that he was just a player who was using me for fun, that he wasn't serious with me, and worse things. Well, he married me and after a year, I can tell you that he is the most wonderful creature I've ever met!

 

The right question is: how much do you know this man and how certain are you that he doesn't love you? You like this guy for a reason. If he were a piece of sh*t, you wouldn't be asking strangers if you did the right thing? Look what you've done: you told us how bad he is and asked if you made a mistake by ditching him? Of course, people only heard your side of the story and only the bad part of it so they tell you "Yeah, you did the right thing." What did you expect? However, you do question your decision and wonder if your reaction was too impulsive. It means you're not sure you're right about him. So your gut feeling is not completely against him.

 

You dumped him so stick with it. Hopefully you told him the correct reason and didn't bullsh*t him. But if he calls you, let him say what he has to say. If you see that he really cares about you, I recommend that you straighten things out and give him another chance if you want him. Don't think negative. Be cautious and careful, but don't assume the worst as soon as you see a bad sign. What we see as a red flag is sometimes... a red rose.

[RecordProducer]

Oh, I just read that you've been in a relationship with him for two years. I thought you just recently got divorced and have been dating this guy for several months. Two years is a long period and definitely enough to know someone unless oyu've had a long-distance relationship. In that case, you don't really know him 100%.

 

Nonetheless, the Myspace story might not be what it looks like. And one more thing: just because SHE calls him a best friend doesn't mean he IS or he thinks she is his best friend. People differ in their perception of what's a close friendship. I've seen people who considered XYs to be their best friend, but XYs didn't think of them as their best friends.

[Trialbyfire]

Nonetheless, the Myspace story might not be what it looks like. And one more thing: just because SHE calls him a best friend doesn't mean he IS or he thinks she is his best friend. People differ in their perception of what's a close friendship. I've seen people who considered XYs to be their best friend, but XYs didn't think of them as their best friends.

If it's all innocent, why wouldn't he mention this good "sexyxxx" friend of his to lorr, especially if he's planning to meet her. I don't buy it.

[RecordProducer]

If it's all innocent, why wouldn't he mention this good "sexyxxx" friend of his to lorr, especially if he's planning to meet her. I don't buy it.

I don't mention all my online friends to my husband. He knows of 2-3 out of douzens who come and go. The reason is always the same: there is nothing interesting about them and they have no significance in my life.

 

As a matter of fact, I do have very good friends, but I rarely talk about them with my husband. And the reason for this is because I talk with them about my marriage.

 

I've had many guys who are 100% faithful to their wives flirting with me much worse than her boyfriend.

 

We don't even know if he ever met her. We don't know how he feels about her. She might be a girl from another country even. I wonder if Lorr knows where she lives. She definitely doesn't know what really happened.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't mention all my online friends to my husband. He knows of 2-3 out of douzens who come and go. The reason is always the same: there is nothing interesting about them and they have no significance in my life.

 

As a matter of fact, I do have very good friends, but I rarely talk about them with my husband. And the reason for this is because I talk with them about my marriage.

 

I've had many guys who are 100% faithful to their wives flirting with me much worse than her boyfriend.

 

We don't even know if he ever met her. We don't know how he feels about her. She might be a girl from another country even. I wonder if Lorr knows where she lives. She definitely doesn't know what really happened.

I would have serious issues with an s/o who doesn't disclose someone they're flirting with or wanting to meet up with. Light-hearted forum flirtations in an open forum are one thing, anything concealed, IM's, etc., are another.

[Guest]

how weird is it that i decided to get on here after not being on here a while and i went strait to your post.same thing happenend to me last week.i am pregant with my partners child 6 months.he works away and is only hme for a week out of a month.i stumbled across the same and logged in to my boyfriends account the day after he openend it actually with my space and he sent a girl a message saying

hey there just signed up today and thought i would let u know that you took my breath away.

 

i was disgusted and instantly kicked him out tom me this is cheating and thank god i caught him when i did otherwise im certain my situation would have ended up just like yours.we have sorted it out now he said he didn trealise he was doin wrong and i have a child on the way and this is his only *** up so i past it.however i do not trust him anymore and i certainly dont respect him and this has planted serious seeds in our realti9nship.i take this very seriously and think you did the right thing it is cheating whther or not its online and if he had of met her he probably would have cheated.good riddance to bad rubbish i say hes not worthy of you

[lorr]

I can see that you have valid points to my story. But when I think about it, he had no right to be conversing with a woman that I had no idea about. In one of her messages to him she states" I wondered why you never text me back, I can't meet with you tomorrow, but next saturday would be good, if your free". He then replies back"Sorry about yesterday, my friend says the station doesn't run down there, but I will meet up with you soon".

 

This I do not find acceptable, and whether he did or did not hook up with her a month ago, makes me feel sick that he could lie and be so deceitful about the whole thing. Yes I agree that he should have the chance to explain himself, but at the same time what could he say about this evidence that will make me think differently of him.She lives near him, so it wouldn't take him that long to get to her.

 

I have not heard anything from him since this incident, even though I dumped him via email. I believe that if he had a genuine answer to this situation, then he would phone me to state his side of the story, regardless of whether I was right or wrong.So to me this just makes him even more guilty.

 

As regards to his family, he is always boasting about how close they are. Just over a month ago,I have been out and about shopping and have run into both his sister and brother on seperate occasions. His brother was with his girlfriend, and I was quite surprised when his brother turned to her and said"Oh this is my brother's friend, who used to work together with him". As you can imagine I was fuming when I left the supermarket. I confronted him about this, and asked him why he feels the need to hide my existence from his family, and his response was "I don't think its a big deal". Well this was a big deal to me, as I have been going out with him for 2 years.

 

I have never even stayed the night at his place, and he was always reluctant to invite me down saying that he felt embarrassed because his place was not decorated(I admit that I have been there and it does need doing up). Again I told him that I don't mind help cleaning up, and if he is really embarrassed that I would pick up some decorating stuff from a store, and that we can get his place looking good.But when he would phone me he would have his friends around at his place, and again I would bring this up to him, and it was just another excuse on how he would get down to decorating, but nothing ever materialised.

 

Just another question, I want to give him back his stuff and he also has stuff of mine. Should he collect from my place, or is it better to go down to his place and hand his stuff over?

[luckyme07]

Well, considering I'm a little jaded when it comes to myspace definitely take my advice with a grain of salt but...About a year ago I ended an 11 year relationship when I realized that my husband was meeting people through my space and than "Hooking up" with them. It went on for about a year before I caught on so three cheers to you that you found out sooner than later.

[RecordProducer]

I have not heard anything from him since this incident, even though I dumped him via email. I believe that if he had a genuine answer to this situation, then he would phone me to state his side of the story, regardless of whether I was right or wrong.So to me this just makes him even more guilty.

I agree.

 

his response was "I don't think its a big deal". Well this was a big deal to me, as I have been going out with him for 2 years.

Again, I agree.

 

I have never even stayed the night at his place, and he was always reluctant to invite me down saying that he felt embarrassed because his place was not decorated

And once again I agree. It's just an excuse.

 

The problem with this forum is that we never know the whole story and since I don't want to give advice without knowing how things really stand, I had to ask you additional questions. Plus I thought you were someone else. But it sounds like he really isn't ready to commit to you. It seems that you give more than you receive.

 

Just another question, I want to give him back his stuff and he also has stuff of mine. Should he collect from my place, or is it better to go down to his place and hand his stuff over?

Neutral territory like a restaurant would be the best, I think. Please don't say much. Let him say something. Observe his reaction if you want to have a better closure. If he acts like he doesn't really care, it will be easier for you to move on. If you start talking, you'll end up fighting and not knowing what really is going on in his head. It's over so don't say anything. The urge to tell him a million things will go away as you will be getting over him. Good luck!