Does a cheater ever feel regret/remorse?

[lorr]

Does a cheater ever feel regret and remorse, when they get caught out, cheating/lying on their SO who they had went out with previously,especially when their SO ended up dumping them.

 

Can a cheaters future relationship, ever be truly affected when they finally meet someone that they are totally into?

 

Does the cheater ever get a wake up call months/years down the line that they made a mistake in how they behaved terribly toward their SO?

 

It would be really interesting to know, as you mostly hear about the pain that cheaters cause, and the impact that it can have on the SO's life.

[norajane]

I cheated on my fiancee while we were living together. Did it for more than a year. He never found out, and I never told him - though I did break up with him and move out eventually.

 

At the time, I felt a little guilty, but not enough to stop, apparently. I had mentally checked out of the relationship, though it took my emotions a while to catch up and accept that we were doomed. The affair was an escape from the relationship and didn't cause the problems itself.

 

Later, after my head had cleared, I felt bad about doing it, but only because it wasn't a kind thing to do, and it was the wrong thing to do. I was really glad he never knew because he would have been terribly hurt. I would have felt a lot worse about everything if he had found out, or if I had told him. I'm still glad I never did tell him.

[CrushedOrgans]

I cheated on my fiancee while we were living together. Did it for more than a year. He never found out, and I never told him - though I did break up with him and move out eventually.

 

At the time, I felt a little guilty, but not enough to stop, apparently. I had mentally checked out of the relationship, though it took my emotions a while to catch up and accept that we were doomed. The affair was an escape from the relationship and didn't cause the problems itself.

 

Later, after my head had cleared, I felt bad about doing it, but only because it wasn't a kind thing to do, and it was the wrong thing to do. I was really glad he never knew because he would have been terribly hurt. I would have felt a lot worse about everything if he had found out, or if I had told him. I'm still glad I never did tell him.

 

 

me too, most of what norajane said.

 

i'm not in the habit of doing things that make me feel guilty, because i don't like guilt, so if i were to feel bad about it, i think that would have stopped me from cheating.

 

so no, i didn't and don't feel bad, even now. it sounds selfish, but, um...it is, so to me it makes sense that feelings surrounding a selfish act be somewhat selfish.

 

i've grown up since and moved on, so really to me there's no point in even thinking about it, much less sending myself on a guilt trip over something in the past that hasn't mattered to me in a long time.

 

i know the knowledge of that 'guilt trip' might make the cheated-on partner feel some sense of satisfaction, but i think it's a false one.

[Mz. Pixie]

Search the forum- there should be several posts on this very subject.

[Madeamistake]

Does a cheater ever feel regret and remorse, when they get caught out, cheating/lying on their SO who they had went out with previously,especially when their SO ended up dumping them.

 

Can a cheaters future relationship, ever be truly affected when they finally meet someone that they are totally into?

 

Does the cheater ever get a wake up call months/years down the line that they made a mistake in how they behaved terribly toward their SO?

 

It would be really interesting to know, as you mostly hear about the pain that cheaters cause, and the impact that it can have on the SO's life.

 

To be honest, some cheaters do, not all! I think it totally depends on the character of the person. I for one was naive before I cheated. I never thought I would cheat and If I did, I never thought that guilt, anger, sadness, hate, regret, remorse and all other emotions that I went through would affect me the way they did.

 

For me it set in right after I slept with the other girl. I was so devasted that I immediately asked her to leave and told her that I was going to tell my girlfriend about what happened as soon as she came back. She understood, but said that I should not tell, but I knew it was something that had to be done. I would either continue to cheat from here on or I would put a stop to it once and for all through the first step of confession. I cheated, the best thing I could ever do from then on is be totally honest with her.

 

Some feel the guilt after they stop the affair and realize that this is not what they want out of life. Then there are those who change when they meet the right person, they grow up and realize the importance of monogamy. Some people do it cause they are wired to do so, bare in mind that some are brought up in social circles where people cheat and don't find anything wrong with what they are doing. I rate the list goes on... all I can say is people change at some point in their lives and can not necessarilly be doomed for ever although some are!

 

There is no grey and white when it comes to human beings. Thats all that I can say from my limited knowledge base.

 

[RecordProducer]

Does a cheater ever feel regret and remorse, when they get caught out, cheating/lying on their SO who they had went out with previously,especially when their SO ended up dumping them.

Whenever I cheated, it was because the guy was a total jerk or didn't give a sh*t about me or I didn't give sh*t about him. I felt remorse when my ex-husband left me and I slept with someone else in this separation period. The ex and I got back together and I felt like a cheater, it ate me up inside. But it went awy when he left me again, this time for good. It didn't affect our relationship. The fling with the other man was a consequence of how the ex-husband treated me: he didn't take our marriage seriously, he would pack his bags after every single argument. Now I regret I felt bad for what I did. He deserved it and I shouldn't have felt bad.

 

Can a cheaters future relationship, ever be truly affected when they finally meet someone that they are totally into?

I don't quite understand what you mean. I can be perfectly faithful to a man that I love and who takes our relationship seriously and loves me back. No, that doesn't mean that I would cheat if we have problems. If I would start cheating, it would basically mean that our relationship is already dead, just not buried properly.

 

Does the cheater ever get a wake up call months/years down the line that they made a mistake in how they behaved terribly toward their SO?

I am sure some people do. But the whole point of cheating is not to hurt your partner, even if that's your direct goal. People cheat because they are not satisfied with the relationship. Sometimes, they are simply not 100% in love so they are open to letting someone else in their bed or heart. Sometimes they are missing the emotional or sexual connection and need a thrid party as a surrogate.

[Trialbyfire]

To the OP,

It's up to you if you want the cheater to feel remorse or regret. You have the power to make that person understand what it did to you. This would only be worthwhile if you were interested in possibly reuniting with them. The amount of effort behind making a cheater understand the pain, isn't really worth the emotional drain on you, if there's nothing to gain at the end of it.

 

It doesn't mean you can't have fun with a little payback, just as long as you don't demean yourself beneath your own acceptable personal levels, in the process. I don't think cheaters should be able to get away with their selfishness scott free.

[pennyjosix]

As far as I know I've only been cheated on once. I had a closeknit group of friends... my boyfriend, his best friend, my best friend and myself. We were always together and became eachother's best friends. His best friend and my best friend informed me while I was out of town that my boyfriend cheated on me. I later had other people confirm it for me. To this day he won't really admit up to it and his story always changes (this was a little of 2 years ago), but he apologizes for it. He won't tell me what exactly he is apologizing for but he does apologize and misses me. So he feels remorse. I'm happy with my SO now so it's his loss he did me dirty.

[Madeamistake]

 

It doesn't mean you can't have fun with a little payback, just as long as you don't demean yourself beneath your own acceptable personal levels, in the process. I don't think cheaters should be able to get away with their selfishness scott free.

 

I have a question for the above comment. If a person cheats (say once), is truly remorseful and is trying to work things out with you (in whatever possible way they can), would you then give a little payback?

 

Dont you think that it is like adding gasoline to the fire and probably escalating the situation to a possible point whereby there could be a loss of trust on both sides. I dont know, just a question.

[Trialbyfire]

I have a question for the above comment. If a person cheats (say once), is truly remorseful and is trying to work things out with you (in whatever possible way they can), would you then give a little payback?

 

Dont you think that it is like adding gasoline to the fire and probably escalating the situation to a possible point whereby there could be a loss of trust on both sides. I dont know, just a question.

Payback would only be applied if there's no intent to reconcile. When I mention payback, it's not the childish type where you egg their car or superglue their gas cap shut. Everyone knows the buttons to push for their exes. Sometimes a little emotional distress applied at the right time can help to give you back a little control.

 

If the choice is to reconcile, the best efforts of both parties would be necessary.

[BlueEyedSarah]

Since on the subject of regret if one gets caught out cheating I would like to ask a question to people who read this...

 

I know this couple, she found out he was cheating on her with an online girl, he cried because he thought he's girlfriend was going to leave him for good because of what he did.

 

Does this show he regreted what he did?

 

As far as I know he has not done anything like this again. He has never cheated on her in person, just this one time online with a 'long distance ex girlfriend'.

[Trialbyfire]

Actions speak louder than words. Best to keep an eye on him. If it's something online, use tracking software.

[Guest]

That depends on the situation. I cheated on my Husband and even two years later I feel no remorse or regret. I feel as if I have myself justice. He was physically abusive towards me, punching me, kicking me. of course I would fight back but come on, his a guy it's not exactly what I would call a fair fight. So I cheated on him, many times with several different guys. When I told him he started crying and punching the wall but I didn't regret my decision. Hey the way I look at it is if a man is going to punch his wife in the face several times in a row then she has all the right in the world to sleep with other men.

[Madeamistake]

Payback would only be applied if there's no intent to reconcile. When I mention payback, it's not the childish type where you egg their car or superglue their gas cap shut. Everyone knows the buttons to push for their exes. Sometimes a little emotional distress applied at the right time can help to give you back a little control.

 

If the choice is to reconcile, the best efforts of both parties would be necessary.

 

That puts clarity to it all!

 

My on and off girlfriend had a little EA a few weeks after I confessed to my one time transgression! It sucks coz I was trying to reconcile with but she was not up until I left (after finding out about the EA). She wants us to get back together, but sometimes the fact that she got emotionally attached to this other guy stings like hell! Idk, would you consider that payback or was it her desire to hook with this guy! Its like, situations have totally reversed and now Im not only the betrayer, but double betrayed! Why? Cause when I cheated I felt like I had betrayed the both of us, and now also betrayed by her! I am currently going through a hell of a lot of emotions. Sometimes I push her away, then on other days I want to be with her.

[Madeamistake]

That depends on the situation. I cheated on my Husband and even two years later I feel no remorse or regret. I feel as if I have myself justice. He was physically abusive towards me, punching me, kicking me. of course I would fight back but come on, his a guy it's not exactly what I would call a fair fight. So I cheated on him, many times with several different guys. When I told him he started crying and punching the wall but I didn't regret my decision. Hey the way I look at it is if a man is going to punch his wife in the face several times in a row then she has all the right in the world to sleep with other men.

 

Gee wizz! I would not want to be in a relationship like you had. Have you both gotten past this and are in a better place? I think you should have just left him cause if you think of it (not judging), what did sleeping with those other guys solve for your relationship. Where you not lowering your boundaries with all that, I mean you were married and abuse is good enough grounds for divorce dont you think.

 

JMO

[Javelin]

From reading the, 'why I've cheated' responses, it's become apparent that cheating stems from an aggressive act of selfishness, revenge, or lack of will power.

[Guest]

i never cheated meaning met someone and banged them. i talked with a couple of women who probably were guys anyways while i was depressed and addicted to cocaine - if i was sane i would never have even done that - the way i see it u get ONE PASS CARD in life and if u are gonna cheat make it with someone YOU WILL MARRY. i crapped out and spent my cheat card on imaginary fantasies and jerked myself off until i woke up and said WTF is this!

 

now, someone once told me my ex did an old dude and a guy from a old band - and i have told her i was disappointed because she should have aimed higher - that's not even B material and she's A+ - so i don't get mad at that - i get mad at her for given her well earned beauty to low lifes who would take advance of her. as for cheating, that would be her deal - nothing i could do or say if she never talked or wanted to try again

 

doesn't that make sense? why worry about something like that? silly really

[Vertex]

People who cheat to escape relationship issues have always unsettled me. I think it's disgusting that so many people run from problems instead of communicating and facing them more maturely and directly.

[jusified]

100% agree,these ppl will never have a fullfilling relationship unless they deal with thir own issues.

[Walk]

My on and off girlfriend had a little EA a few weeks after I confessed to my one time transgression!

 

Idk, would you consider that payback or was it her desire to hook with this guy!

 

From the very brief bit you posted, I'd say it wasn't about "payback" on her part. She'd found out you cheated on her, couldn't trust you, felt alienated and isolated, abandoned, unwanted, and undesirable to you. Another guy comes along who makes her feel positive about herself while she's around him. Something she desperately needs and craves, but can't get from you. The other guy builds her trust in him, makes her feel wanted, desired, attractive. All the things you destroyed.

 

I highly doubt it was about getting "back" at you. If that had been her motive she would've ****ed the first guy that came along.

 

A suggestion.. Don't refer to your cheating as a "one time transgression". I'm really hoping you didn't say that to your (ex?) gf. Makes it sound as if you ran a stop sign one time. You destroyed your relationship with that one single act. It makes it sound as if you really didn't do anything wrong. It downplays the significance of it (both to yourself and your gf). Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there.

[Walk]

100% agree,these ppl will never have a fullfilling relationship unless they deal with thir own issues.

 

This is probably the best response I've seen regarding cheaters. Majority of people judge completely. ie: once a cheater always a cheater.. But you phrased this in such a way that you allow for change. I think that's a great outlook on life. Realistic, yet open minded.

[Guest]

trust me - there is nothing anyone can do that would replace the feeling someone has when they do something like that - when someone comes clean that means they have grown - when they don't - that is a concern - and of course, people grown with love not punishment

 

and they have to realize that cheating hurts them not the other

 

when an ex cheats the op knows why it could happen but when the other fills in the rest then that is far greater healing thing than anyone really gives credit for

 

if the cheater never comes back - who cares

[Guest]

my ex knows me well - i have never placed a judgement of an act over who that person is. how in the world does one event replace a whole life and the entire person - nonsense - labels are for those who need excuses

[Trialbyfire]

That puts clarity to it all!

 

My on and off girlfriend had a little EA a few weeks after I confessed to my one time transgression! It sucks coz I was trying to reconcile with but she was not up until I left (after finding out about the EA). She wants us to get back together, but sometimes the fact that she got emotionally attached to this other guy stings like hell! Idk, would you consider that payback or was it her desire to hook with this guy! Its like, situations have totally reversed and now Im not only the betrayer, but double betrayed! Why? Cause when I cheated I felt like I had betrayed the both of us, and now also betrayed by her! I am currently going through a hell of a lot of emotions. Sometimes I push her away, then on other days I want to be with her.

I recall reading your original thread. Sit her down to an honest, heartfelt discussion. Really listen to her wants and needs, then express yours. If you both need reparations but both want the relationship to continue, do it. Actions speak louder than words.

[jusified]

thanks, other then the spelling mistake.... I mean what I said.

 

People cheat (emotionally, physically) becaus they have issues within themselves, such as; ranning away from problems, committment fears...whatever it is. Its really hard on people that has been cheated on and left behind, but sometimes it is for the best, just pick yourself up and move on. Realise it is the cheater that is messing up their lives, the cheaters that need to growup and deal with their issues.

 

With all that said, I like to finish it by stating this. "For the people that have been cheated on and left behind, look at yourself and improve yourself. Then move on and there will be someone right for you, when that happens, appreciate it and know that times like this you are glad the cheats left your life and they are missing out."