Does a cheater ever feel regret/remorse?

[Guest]

i have a better idea...sit down with the cheater and let the talk and just listen and that heals both instead of this individual ME ME ME stuff and u both will grown more than moving on

 

the point is only to heal - no expectations

[Madeamistake]

From the very brief bit you posted, I'd say it wasn't about "payback" on her part. She'd found out you cheated on her, couldn't trust you, felt alienated and isolated, abandoned, unwanted, and undesirable to you. Another guy comes along who makes her feel positive about herself while she's around him. Something she desperately needs and craves, but can't get from you. The other guy builds her trust in him, makes her feel wanted, desired, attractive. All the things you destroyed.

 

I highly doubt it was about getting "back" at you. If that had been her motive she would've ****ed the first guy that came along.

 

A suggestion.. Don't refer to your cheating as a "one time transgression". I'm really hoping you didn't say that to your (ex?) gf. Makes it sound as if you ran a stop sign one time. You destroyed your relationship with that one single act. It makes it sound as if you really didn't do anything wrong. It downplays the significance of it (both to yourself and your gf). Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there.

 

Hi!

 

Thanks for putting that into perspective for me. Sometimes these things are really difficult to understand. People react to certain circumstances in a certain way. I really appreciate it.

 

As for me refering to the one night stand that I had as a one time transgression, I have never said that to her. I have always been aware of how detremental my act of infidelity was (in the real world). I have termed it as a "one time transgression" in my head (and in cyberspace) due to the fact that I am at times very sensetive to calling it the following:

 

1. "One night stand" - Makes it sound like its something to be proud of, almost like a fad.

 

2. "An Affair" - My sin was was once off, and the term "affair" makes it sound like it was something grand to do (similar to a one

night stand, but repetitiveness defines it).

 

In the real world, I usually refer to it as "my act of infidelity and stupidity". Why? because I own that sin, I acknowledge how much of an idiot I was for doing what I did and fidelity is a wonderful and great thing to have and be proud of in a realtionship, infidelity is the direct opposite. I hope that does not have any negative impact.

 

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Walk]

Does a cheater ever feel regret and remorse, when they get caught out, cheating/lying on their SO who they had went out with previously,especially when their SO ended up dumping them.

Without going into detail, I cheated on my exh the last year of our marriage. I had tried to repair the relationship for years with no improvements. Up until that point I was staunchly against cheating. I believed cheaters deserved to die a horribly painful death. I couldn't understand why anyone would do that when all they had to do was just leave the relationship.

 

I felt guilty while I was cheating, but not too much. Mostly I was upset with myself for falling into such a dispicable situation. I failed myself as much as anyone else. I felt horrible for causing my exh so much pain. I regret what I did because I feel I scarred my exh permenantly for any future relationships he might have. I feel bad that I cast such a negative light on marriage for him. Ruined his ability to trust and believe in people. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted to stop feeling like I was invisible and unwanted. I wanted the pain to stop, years of being neglected, used, tossed aside without thought.

 

Anyway, I think the feelings behind cheating differ based on the core beliefs of the person cheating. I also know that when all you can see is a black future of unhappiness, then satisfying the here and now starts looking acceptable. When it doesn't matter what choice you make, it's going to cause someone else incredible amounts of pain, the questions of "morally right" start to slide to the background. When you're faced with a situation where your partner doesn't care about you, and you've been busting ass to put their wants/needs at highest priority... It stops making sense... and the things that seemed so unaccepatable while in a healthy place, start seeming not so bad all of a sudden.

 

Some people are incapable of handling certain situations. Its unfortunate, but it's not life ending. Feeling vindicated because the person who cheated on you is contemplating suicide due to guilt and remorse is probably not any more "moral" than the cheating was.

[WhiteKnight]

Does a cheater ever feel regret and remorse, when they get caught out, cheating/lying on their SO who they had went out with previously,especially when their SO ended up dumping them.

 

Can a cheaters future relationship, ever be truly affected when they finally meet someone that they are totally into?

 

Does the cheater ever get a wake up call months/years down the line that they made a mistake in how they behaved terribly toward their SO?

 

It would be really interesting to know, as you mostly hear about the pain that cheaters cause, and the impact that it can have on the SO's life.

 

Well to honest a friend of mine had cheated on her husband recently but this was before Christmas, not the best time of year to have it.

 

Anyways, my friend told me she regretted it because she didn't love the husband anymore and cheated him with another guy that she liked so much. In the end, she screwed him and feel pregnant. When she fell pregnant, she ended up telling the husband and left him. But unfortunately she did not think about her two children, below the age of 18 and probably most likely has lost the right to any custody of the children.

 

The punishment for my friend who cheated on the husband was quiet servere. She has some regret with her actions of that and wished she didn't do it. As for remorse, I guess she had felt it in some way at the moment.

 

She's lost a lot of friends now since alot of people now know about the whole thing. That's a real shame.

 

Any cheater in my opinion can feel any pain when they do cheat and afterwards... the aftermath affects always comes to you now and then.

[Madeamistake]

I recall reading your original thread. Sit her down to an honest, heartfelt discussion. Really listen to her wants and needs, then express yours. If you both need reparations but both want the relationship to continue, do it. Actions speak louder than words.

 

You are right!

 

I think all I could have ever asked for from her was honesty. Honest enough to say I dont want this or I need time or my needs are not being met! I recall my consellor telling her that should she want this to work as badly as I do, then we would firstly need to open our lines of communication once more. Secondly, couples/individual counselling would be beneficial for her too.

 

It really kills you when you are trying to make things work out, but the other person does not see your efforts and decides to start their own little secret thing on the side. I think the efforts to make amends were one sided as opposed to both parties being willing to make it work out. I dont know, sometimes I feel like everything is just too messed up now. I dont know if it is workable anymore.

 

She knows my thoughts, Im confused right now. What hurts more is that she could not tell me herself (and she knew that people were talking about her and this other guy), it sucks hearing it from the grapevine. There are so many questions that I need to ask, so many answers that I seek. There needs to be apologies for some things that have been said.

 

Aarrgh. Let me just shut up. Its all to upsetting now!

[CardPlay3r]

That depends on the situation. I cheated on my Husband and even two years later I feel no remorse or regret. I feel as if I have myself justice. He was physically abusive towards me, punching me, kicking me. of course I would fight back but come on, his a guy it's not exactly what I would call a fair fight. So I cheated on him, many times with several different guys. When I told him he started crying and punching the wall but I didn't regret my decision. Hey the way I look at it is if a man is going to punch his wife in the face several times in a row then she has all the right in the world to sleep with other men.

 

Sure that would be different, he's the one that cheated on your r/s by abusing you in the first place...I hope you left him, he belongs in jail not with you or anyone else

[Walk]

In the real world, I usually refer to it as "my act of infidelity and stupidity". Why? because I own that sin, I acknowledge how much of an idiot I was for doing what I did and fidelity is a wonderful and great thing to have and be proud of in a realtionship, infidelity is the direct opposite. I hope that does not have any negative impact.

 

The crazy thing is, if you understand what drove you to cheat then it will make you a far better bf/husband than most men will ever attain. You'll know what to be on guard against, you'll understand your weaknesses better. You'll understand the pain and emotional rollercoaster this causes. You'll bust your ass to work out problems twice as hard as any one else because you'll know what can happen if those problems aren't resolved. You'll know what happens if needs aren't met, and partners are unhappy. And since you understand the consequences fully, chances are extremely high that you'll never cheat again on anyone.

 

but you'll always be deemed a cheater who can't be trusted.

 

All I can say is.. just do the best you can, and to hell with what others think.

[Madeamistake]

The crazy thing is, if you understand what drove you to cheat then it will make you a far better bf/husband than most men will ever attain. You'll know what to be on guard against, you'll understand your weaknesses better. You'll understand the pain and emotional rollercoaster this causes. You'll bust your ass to work out problems twice as hard as any one else because you'll know what can happen if those problems aren't resolved. You'll know what happens if needs aren't met, and partners are unhappy. And since you understand the consequences fully, chances are extremely high that you'll never cheat again on anyone.

 

but you'll always be deemed a cheater who can't be trusted.

 

All I can say is.. just do the best you can, and to hell with what others think.

 

Thanks Walk.

 

What you say is so true. I know my weaknesses very well now! I know how it all started, I have constantly replayed it in my mind. I have found the root causes and its true what you say.

 

I hate the 'cheater' stamp that people put on a person due to their past but hey, I am the biggest judge of my own actions from hereon.

 

And yeah, stuff what people say!!!