Feelings for female coworker!

[CrossRhodes]

Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation.

...

Limerance:A powerful and constantly distracting and obsessive infatuation.

 

I think these definitions trivialise and demean what is a very powerful experience for some people. Limerence (note the spelling - searching on "limerance" will bring up inferior search results) is a broad term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov. It can refer to the fatuous stage of relationships, but it can also be a prolonged state of deep connection with intensified feelings.

 

Here are a couple of different quotes I found from people who experienced limerence in their own lives:

 

limerance is such a joy when it , either creeps up on you and works its way into your heart, or bursts over you like a waterfall. Knowing that when you think of that person you will be overwhelmed by waves of Joy and deeper feelings of unknown love, waiting to be uncovered/discovered.Such a rare occurence that it should be enjoyed and indulged and gloried in!

 

the intoxicating thrill deep within your body to find the "other" and make whole again what feels separate. It's that same feeling you get from a speed ball. I mean exactly. The thrill of the coke and the earthy painful joy of the heroin combined make you hunger for another ride.

 

Proper limerence - the stuff that Dorothy Tennov wrote about - does something to your soul. It's not easy to walk away from. And it's not necessarily just a pre-cursor to love, or something distinct from love. For some of us, limerence is so enmeshed and intertwined with love that the two are almost indistinguishable.

 

Here’s the real question, or set of questions. Is limerance bona fide, or just a convenient excuse for bad behavior?

 

If limerance is real, how do you deal with it? Is it controllable?

 

Is limerance a natural, healthy human emotion that actually has a use in today’s society if controlled, or a primitive instinct that is no longer useful, or a mental illness?

 

Are there degrees of severity of limerance?

 

Has everyone been affected by limerance at one time or another, or are only some susceptible?

 

Do males experience limerence differently than females?

 

Or maybe I am simply a male, happily married for over 20 years, who has never even thought about another woman as a love interest, who then literally overnight has fallen in an obsessive way for a coworker he has known for several years, who prior to this has had absolutely no feelings for whatsoever. I am not saying this sarcastically.

 

What great questions, Uplooker. I am only just starting to discover one or two of the answers to these, and I think it's going to take a few more months before I really come to terms with the true nature of limerence for me personally. I wish you every success in your own situation and I hope you find a way of dealing with these feelings.

[Mary3]

I've been on that wonderful * high * you talk about CrossRhoades.

 

But in all honesty , after being so high and crashing so severely when he put the ex before me and I broke up with him , I have never again wanted to fall so deeply again lest I crash another painful burn.

 

So now I tread more slowly and realize that men can say things like " I will always love you ": (hrmmph yea right) . " The sex with you is incredible and I never felt like this before " ( well , while true because I do leave an impact sexually.....) lol....Its just that they are words ...words and more words....I rather take it slower and see if his words and his actions match ...

[humblegirl]

I feel sorry for you Uplooker. I have no advice for you just sympathy.

I have these limerant feelings for this guy I have been seeing for about 3 months now. I have never felt this way before and it's scary. Everytime I think of him butterflies flood my mind and body. I can't imagine what you must be going through to see her everyday and can't touch her, kiss her and express your love. I know you don't want to hurt your wife and family, but it seems that getting together with this woman and her husband will only make you feel worst. I wish you peace:)

[CrossRhodes]

I've been on that wonderful * high * you talk about CrossRhoades.

 

But in all honesty , after being so high and crashing so severely when he put the ex before me and I broke up with him , I have never again wanted to fall so deeply again lest I crash another painful burn.

 

So now I tread more slowly and realize that men can say things like " I will always love you ": (hrmmph yea right) . " The sex with you is incredible and I never felt like this before " ( well , while true because I do leave an impact sexually.....) lol....Its just that they are words ...words and more words....I rather take it slower and see if his words and his actions match ...

 

I think a lot of limerence sufferers would agree with you -- the pain of unrequited love while trapped in limerence is one of the worst emotional experiences a person can have.

 

But just to be clear, what you are describing does not sound like limerence. Limerence doesn't need words to start it up. And I'm sorry to keep banging on about it, because we have all pretty much done our job here in this thread.

 

There's no doubt that relationship highs and lows are generally intense experiences. I think limerence distinguishes itself generally by being intense, compelling and bewildering. It makes people feel like they are crazy, even pathetic. It gets them Googling words like "crush" out of desperation and hopefully stumbling onto discussions like these.

 

I have no idea about whether everyone is capable of limerence. God help them if they are! Like you Mary, I will be treading very carefully in my next relationship for fear of my feelings getting swept away and losing control over my happiness.

[uplooker80]

I've been on that wonderful * high * you talk about CrossRhoades.

 

But in all honesty , after being so high and crashing so severely when he put the ex before me and I broke up with him , I have never again wanted to fall so deeply again lest I crash another painful burn.

 

So now I tread more slowly and realize that men can say things like " I will always love you ": (hrmmph yea right) . " The sex with you is incredible and I never felt like this before " ( well , while true because I do leave an impact sexually.....) lol....Its just that they are words ...words and more words....I rather take it slower and see if his words and his actions match ...

Mary, I don't want to beat this to death either, but I think CrossRhodes describes it well here.

 

Before I was married, I dated several women and experienced being dumped, being the dumper, lies, being cheated on, etc.

 

What I am going through now is nothing like those experiences. What defines this situation is that in fact, I have no real relationship with her, and yet I have all of these powerful uncontrollable feelings for her.

 

To the outsider, there is no cause and effect. It's all inside my head.

[JCD]

For me, the only thing that helped me was her quitting her job. If she stayed then I would be going thru the rollercoaster ride everyday. She was constantly on my mind and I couldn't do anything else. I went like this for a year and only now that she's not working with me anymore can I finally start to feel less obsessed with her. I didn't care about her having sex with other men but I cared about her having feelings for them. I wanted her and many times I imagined what sex with her would be like. I was physically attracted to her but also emotionally and when we first started to work we clicked right away. There was this understanding that I thought we shared and we were basically almost the same. I too couldn't quit my job. Many times when she had mood swings I became worried about her and I became emotional because of her. I thought I was going crazy. This limerence really explains it perfectly what I felt like. Thank god she works in a different department now, one that I don't go into at all. But when I sometimes see her when our paths cross, all the feelings come flowing back and I can't concentrate on my work. I can't seem to fall in love with any other girl either. She is slowly leaving my mind and I feel that in a year's time I will find another but this time I make sure her love is reciprocated and if not I will quit loving her right away.

[blueberry1]

new developments Uplooker80, welcome to one of the worst days of my life re. my situation with the boss. Due to a major disagreement between the boss and I, I am no longer working for him. I am devastated, yes, but it is for the best as I am hoping it will help me overcome being in love with him. Plus now I won't be seeing him on a regular basis either. Today I am grieving not only the loss of my job, but someone I loved alot.

[uplooker80]

Hugs for you Blueberry.

 

Hopefully, eventually it will be a blessing for you...but it has to be extremely painful for you now. Your job and your limerent object together. Ouch.

 

I think I can appreciate how you feel, but I haven't myself reached that depth of despair yet.

 

I wish I could find the right words to give you some comfort.

 

I hope your family is able to give you the support you need, even though they don't know the full extent of your secret hurting.

 

More hugs........

[blueberry1]

Uplooker80, what a rollercoaster! We overcame our differences and I'm back at work. I can't tell you what kind of business this is because it would give me away too much, but it is sometimes a high pressure one.

To the brink and back, I think I'm back to stay for the long haul! And I am so glad! It is a small office, and I'm definitely his right hand again. I can live with that, because having a short time away was pure hell, and I don't think I would've ever recovered completely! Keep in touch, and thanks for your kind words. Keep me posted re. your planned get together!

[directx]

Hey UpLooker80, here is what I think you should do, and it sounds radical, but trust me on this one.

What you need to do is learn more about this woman. You are not in love with her as much as you are in love with the fantasy of her.

I would encourage you to continue to talk to her. Not lovey-duvy stuff or hints at getting together, but all else you can.

Infatuation doesnt last forever for any couple. Just the way it is.

Meet her husband, talk about your families, fantasize about her privately, etc. The more you resist, the more you want it.

 

Find out her beliefs (political, religeos, etc). They will be different from yours and help damage the image.

 

Dont tell your wife. You didnt do anything. When this thing passes, you would have caused pain for nothing.

[Mustang Sally]

Directx, I think that's some good advice you're giving there. Definitely different from the usual stuff that gets said to folks on LS with Uplooker's prob, but I think there's much merit to what you've suggested.

 

For instance, I had these kind of feelings about a person I know (limerence). Recently spent quite a bit of time with that person on a business trip, and it took some of the "shine" off the person for me. Took away some of the fantasy, if you know what I mean. But one has to be careful to keep their actions in check if you are going to give this a try. Just my experience. Might not work for everyone.

[directx]

Thanks Mustang. Its nice to have some support with my response to give it credibility, since it is a radical approach.

Id be interested to see how similar my experience is to yours.

 

Let us know what you think uplooker

[CrossRhodes]

Thanks Mustang. Its nice to have some support with my response to give it credibility, since it is a radical approach.

Id be interested to see how similar my experience is to yours.

 

 

DirectX: That advice would only make things worse for the OP. To flog this dead horse once more, Uplooker is experiencing limerence. Limerence has been defined ad nauseum in this thread.

 

Your situation was entirely different. You encouraged - and willingly engaged in - an emotional affair. You even took that one step further and co-habited with her:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95970/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97246/

 

A limerent would want to smell her perfume; you wanted to sniff her seat (ewww).

 

I think I understand where you are coming from, and were it a crush or infatuation, I would agree. I spend time with a lot of limerents, and many of them have plenty of access to their LOs. It only makes it worse, believe me. What they crave is reciprocation; plenty of time with the LO just gives lots of ambiguity, lots of the rollercoaster of emotions. It hooks them in even more - there is an element of addiction to it. Lack of contact is one of the few things that diminishes limerence.

 

Directx, I think that's some good advice you're giving there. Definitely different from the usual stuff that gets said to folks on LS with Uplooker's prob, but I think there's much merit to what you've suggested.

 

Definitely different from the usual stuff, and I like the energy of that. But not good advice because his situation does not match. I think this is one of the major problems here on LS - people hand out advice like Pez, but so often they don't have a life experience that matches the topic. And when they do, it often turns out that they didn't resolve their own crisis successfully or healthily.

 

LS would be an infinitely better place if its residents would empathise rather than advise.

 

 

For instance, I had these kind of feelings about a person I know (limerence). Recently spent quite a bit of time with that person on a business trip, and it took some of the "shine" off the person for me. Took away some of the fantasy, if you know what I mean. But one has to be careful to keep their actions in check if you are going to give this a try. Just my experience. Might not work for everyone.

 

Sally, I don't know enough about your situation to know whether this was truly limerence or not. All I can say is that it doesn't usually diminish in this fashion. What kills it eventually is rejection (the death of hope) or prolonged loss of contact.

[Mustang Sally]

Ok...

 

I guess I don't really know what "limerence" is, then. I have been trying to keep up with this topic, and research this phenomenon, because I thought it might apply to me, but, admittedly, I'm only an amateur.

 

I will relegate myself to wholeheartedly empathising, then, and keep my advice and opinions to myself.

 

At least in this thread.

 

Good luck to all you limerents! Seems like a tough place to be.

[blueberry1]

How goes the battle Uplooker80? Just wondering if you had gone through with the family get-together you had planned with your co-worker and her husband?! I am basically in the same situation as before. After a big disagreement with my boss, I am back working alongside him. It is still just as difficult as ever, but the alternative, after being away a couple of days from him, is worse. My feelings for him are as strong as ever, and I feel quite pathetic and upset when I think I am not getting as much attention from him as I think I should. He passes along compliments to people in general, he's that type, which makes me wonder if I'm any different to him just because he has said so many nice things to me. And I want to be special to him, so badly. I know it's wrong because we're both married, but I have never felt this strongly about any man in my life before. Although I want him to be a bit more flirty with me all the time, rather than just some of the time, I don't actually want him to take it too far. If he did, I would be like putty in his hands.

[uplooker80]

Hey Blueberry!

 

Check my post in your thread.

 

I wish we could compare notes.