Feelings for female coworker!

[empty906]

Anything new, uplooker? Having to let go is the hard part I am finding out. The surface stuff is somewhat simpler to deal with but those deep feelings seem like they don't want to fade away.

 

Don't know about you but I think there is something we men are looking for, some sort of 'package', that causes us to latch onto someone. I wonder if that is the case because I can befriend, flirt, be alone with, and get close to women and never feel a thing. No butterflies, no fireworks. But this particular woman, in my case, was different. I couldn't relax and flirt and say the things I normally do because something was there.

 

I am wondering if she had the right combination of qualities I desire and that is what attracted me so to her. Something had to spark the interest that never shows up with any others.

 

And I wonder if the same has happened with you and this woman at work. Could she just have the right stuff for you and you can't help but be completely attracted to her. She doesn't have to do anything, you are simply attracted to her. And not to any of the others.

[GoldPenny]

To the OP, I do believe it is possible to love more than one person very deeply in the same romantic way. I'll take your word that you do love your wife truly and completely and that these escapades that you've had with this other woman at work may very well be just an infactuation *OR* actual love dependent on other details, just with that freshness of a blooming-new-romance feel to it.

 

You can have this great, swooning, powerful relationship that's been ongoing for years upon years with another person whom you dedicate yourself to with genuine affection, love, honor, and respect. But, on the other hand, there is this other person who's not in the picture and has so many qualities that you admire and are romantically drawn to with the same "The One" feelings that you have for your lover. They'd be an awesome candidate for a love affiar as well. However, you wouldn't want to hurt or dishonor your significant other like that at all unless you are in those kind of committed relationships that allow side affairs in agreement, but your feelings are some things that have arisen and cannot be denied.

 

There's a great chance that time will not let it pass (and will). It's similar to the feelings people have for the loved one that died in a car accident. They tend to never forget how they feel about that person, right? Your admiration for this office woman will probably won't extinguish or dissipate drastically, and you may need to get yourself together before trying to be friends with her as a resort as to not let yourself go on her. You've just got to remind yourself all the great things you've had in your life and are having and tell yourself that this is something that you planned on sacrificing in monogamy, in a committed relationship. There are pros and cons to almost everything; maybe the con in this case is you cannot have both woman, lol.

[uplooker80]

Interesting comments!

 

I'm pretty sure I could get over her if I was able to stay away from her. Even a weekend dulls it a little bit.

 

Pretty shallow eh?

 

Tomorrow is Monday and I'm back into the **** again. I just have to see her once and the game is back on again for me. *sigh*

[JCD]

If we can't have them then we desire them even more turning this into an obsession which is not good. She is basically preventing you from moving on. You have got to stop seeing her. Just a single glance a day will wreak havoc with your emotions. I've been there. I was lucky because she quit and I no longer see her at work. It's not just you but we all go thru this. It needs to be taken seriously because it will affect you in negative ways and god knows, when folks didn't get their way some of them killed their significant other. I hope it won't come to this with you but then love is a very powerful emotion and screws up with the best of us.

[Meaplus3]

You need to detach from her and don't let yourself fantasize, or think of her at all. Distract yourself, keep busy and focus on your wife.

 

People get crushes, attractions, and just because you're married that doesn't stop...But, what has to stop is feeding it, letting it grow. (excuse the pun, seeing as you're a guy, LOL!) Don't put yourself in a situation where saying NO will be difficult to do.

 

It isn't about your wife, it's about you enjoying the feelings this woman brings out in you - TOO MUCH. It's feeding the ego, making you feel and do things that you can't do since you have a wife.

 

Mid life crisis, it's possible...So, DO something wild and crazy, but do it with your wife. Spice up your sex life, GO skydiving! Bungee jumping! Something that will make your give you a rush. Buy a new car, dye your hair, I don't know, but do something that involves your wife and not the other woman.

 

I think whichway said it all perfectly here. Ha! whichway your pun made me laugh.

 

The MM I was in an A with told me he was addicted to the "Rush" so to speak. I think it's very possible that you could be in a mid life crisis. I think my A happened partly do to that and also because I was unhappy in my marriage. You must disconnect with this woman if you want those feeling's to go away. It might take sometime because it sound's like you have some very strong feeling's for this OW, not just a sexual attraction. Can I ask you this? Have you found yourself very attracted to Other woman while married or is this the first time?

[uplooker80]

This is the first time it's ever happened to me in my marriage, and the attraction is not really sexual at all.

 

And there is not what I would call a rush, only extreme frustration and heartache.

 

It's obvious I should try to get over her, and short of changing jobs, shock therapy or a lobotomy, I'm trying real hard. But these emotions do not know how to look at things rationally.

[Meaplus3]

This is the first time it's ever happened to me in my marriage, and the attraction is not really sexual at all.

 

And there is not what I would call a rush, only extreme frustration and heartache.

 

It's obvious I should try to get over her, and short of changing jobs, shock therapy or a lobotomy, I'm trying real hard. But these emotions do not know how to look at things rationally.

 

Uplooker, You are hurting and I realize that, I have been there! Emotion's are tough. MM told me about this last May. That's when I realized he was emotinally involved in this A. I know he looked at me in a sexual way, but then his emotions got the best of him and then it was not good, because his emotion's caught up with mine. If thing's did not end as they did who knows what would have happened. I would have ruined my life for some one that I did not really even know. Try to forget her, if you can. I feel for you. (((hug's)))).

 

AP

[ely]

Ok, here goes. Please read this through, because I am hurting and need a little help. I’m not the greatest writer, but I’ll try my best. You may at the very least get a chuckle out of the situation I got myself into.

 

Almost 3 years ago, a woman was hired in our department. It is generally acknowledged that she is attractive, and I think she knows it, but she does not have a superiority complex because of it. She seems to be very down to earth.

 

I find her extremely attractive. She always tries to look nice at work, i.e. clothes, makeup and is very friendly. I’m sure she is used to getting plenty of male attention. From all appearances, she has a busy, well balanced family lifestyle.

 

She’s in her late 40's, and I never thought before now that any woman that age, happily married with children would look this good to me. To be rude about it, she is a total MILF. She is very intelligent. I am also in my late 40's and happily married with children.

 

Over the years we’ve exchanged the usual small talk at work. I have confided in her with some personal family issues, and she has done the same with me. She sent me a few unsolicited e-mails with words of encouragement for family problems I was having at the time that she perceptively picked up on. I found them very helpful and touching.

 

I have attempted to flirt with her at various times. I’m not sure what my motivation was…maybe curiosity and hormones. At first, I thought my flirtation was well received, then on a later attempt she gave an odd response that I took as a negative reaction, so I stopped.

 

When I talk to her, I usually let my guard down, and tell her more details about my problems than I should.

 

We once discussed infidelity, which was a topic of office gossip that particular day, and she firmly conveyed to me that there is absolutely no room for that in her life; she is committed to her husband 100%. She could not have been clearer on this point. Her moral fiber is very resolute.

 

What is important to note, is that up to this point, while I was attracted to her, I had no feelings for her other than liking her.

 

From reading the above, it all sounds very shallow, but in general, things were proper between us. You may get the impression that I am always after her, but that is far from the truth.

 

Here’s where the trouble starts.

 

About a month ago, she asked me about a particularly painful situation I have in my family, that she already knew a bit about, but wanted to know more as a way to help me. I completely opened up to her, to the point of tears in my eyes and I think hers as well. This was an emotional event for me. And the end result is that I think I fell in love with her right then and there. At least I think it is love. Whatever it is called, it is strong.

 

Now I think about her almost all of the time. I am jealous of male coworkers who talk to her about things not related to work. Oddly, I am not jealous of her husband. It is as if my rational side can see her as a committed married woman, with me as a committed married man, and my emotional “out of control” side sees her in isolation at work as a woman I love.

 

I was going to write her a confession, but I ended up not doing it because fortunately I took enough time to think about how stupid that would have been. (I have not completely lost my mind…yet)

 

I did however send her a small gift with a short note, careful to only say thanks for listening. She mentioned to me our boss saw her opening the gift, and was trying to figure out who gave it to her.

 

Here’s where I made what I think was my biggest mistake. This comment from her about the boss provoked me to hastily compose an e-mail telling her that I cared about her. That’s the word I used, “cared”. About an hour later, she responded with a carefully worded e-mail that was extremely guarded, and that gave no hint that she cared about me.

 

This hurt…a lot. I’m not angry with her because my rapidly dwindling rational side realizes that it was the only way she could have responded…like I said, she is very smart.

 

So here I am, still in what I view as unrequited love, that I cannot seem to control. I can only imagine what she is thinking. I understand that we will never be together; I don’t want to leave my wife and family either. I love my wife completely. If I told her any of this, I’m sure she would be heartbroken.

 

The feelings I have for my coworker are hard to live with, and my rational side knows that they are “wrong” and unproductive. This is not a moral problem, it’s a wiring problem. I thought they would have dissipated by now. I fear that I have totally “creeped” her out.

 

I have since managed to remain friendly with her, but am attempting to restrict any conversations we have to work items or small talk…and no more ill-advised emails.

 

I would like things between her and me to return to the trust we had before I started flirting with her. To her credit, she has remained friendly with me, and not hit me with a harassment complaint! I still like her very much, (like and love are two different things) and somehow want to truly be friends without me getting weird again.

 

Finally, here is the question for you, and I appreciate you making it this far. Can I do anything to kill off this “love” emotion, or is time the only cure? If I can stay clean, do you think she will ever “forget” this episode, and trust me again?

 

I almost wish she could read this story and realize it was about us, because I would like to explain myself to her, but I think that would only be another huge mistake.

 

 

 

 

I know you have a crush on a co-worker and it is normal for us to be attracted to people but, you need to stop this flirting and YOU are the one bringing problems into your families life... everything comes out to the light sooner or later and what makes u think your wife won't find out.... would U like it if your wife was the one provoking men? Now u know men are dogs, you are prooving it... STOP now while you have a chance instead of looking at another women and crying out problems when you don't really have one, you will trully cry for reel when your wife finds out!

[uplooker80]

Mods, feel free to lock this thread anytime you want. I will win the battle eventually. Useless posts like the last one are not needed.

[empty906]

Uplooker, I know where you are and I'm on your side. It sucks and there isn't anything you can do about, regardless of what others might suggest. You can't just 'forget' or 'look the other way'. Doesn't work like that.

 

I struggle with a similar problem and am interested in your thread to see how far along you are in trying to shake the emotions. The hard part, I am noticing, is a moment can erase a week's worth or work. It takes WAY more time working against those emotions than it takes to start it all back up again.

 

If you don't mind, I would like to check in with you from time to time to see how things have changed. But if you want the thread stopped, that's fine, too. Either way.

[uplooker80]

Uplooker, I know where you are and I'm on your side. It sucks and there isn't anything you can do about, regardless of what others might suggest. You can't just 'forget' or 'look the other way'. Doesn't work like that.

 

I struggle with a similar problem and am interested in your thread to see how far along you are in trying to shake the emotions. The hard part, I am noticing, is a moment can erase a week's worth or work. It takes WAY more time working against those emotions than it takes to start it all back up again.

 

If you don't mind, I would like to check in with you from time to time to see how things have changed. But if you want the thread stopped, that's fine, too. Either way.

 

Thanks a lot Empty for your kind words. If I had Private Messages available to me here we could keep in touch that way, but I guess I don't have enough seniority yet to have that ability.

 

I was a little rough on ely; I never understood before this happened to me how this whole emotions thing was possible. Unfortunately, now I know all too well.

 

Empty, it is unbelievable how many highs and lows I went through just last week with my emotions. I am really starting to think I need therapy.

[November-Rain]

Mods, feel free to lock this thread anytime you want. I will win the battle eventually. Useless posts like the last one are not needed.

 

Don't lock this thread! I check up on it from time to time to see how you are doing. I am also married and have been struggling for quite some time with some inappropriate feelings towards another MM. I am trying to get over him, but each time I see him my feelings for him continue. Nothing physical has happened, yet their are times where I feel it could. Crazy enough, verbally we have not communicated how we feel for one another. Sometimes I'm not even sure if he even knows or is just playing it safe, which would make a lot of sense. Neither one of us is willing to make the first move for obvious reasons.

 

Hang in there Uplooker80, it only has to get easier with time. Keeping very busy is the key to your mental balance. I find that when I am obsessing over MM, I excersise and really focus on my children. My husband is not aware of what I am going through and I feel extreme guilt over not being able to give of myself as I should to my marriage. It is not his fault whatsoever! Foolishly I have chosen to emotionally be involved with another. I hope to conquer these feelings and move on with my life. It's definetly not a way to live!

 

Good luck to you, I wish you well and keep us posted.

[uplooker80]

It feels nice that people are rooting for me.

 

One fear I have developed about this board is that if I continue to reveal some of the recent events, even if I make them as generalized as possible, someone here may figure out who I am.

 

How likely is that? Many of you out there must have had similar concerns about problems you have posted.

[Guest]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm struggling with a very similar situation. I think I see it in his eyes too. I feel horrible when we part every day. I'm really close to making a move because I sense he wants to but can't or is too intimidated. It's getting harder and harder everyday to walk away from this.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks a lot Empty for your kind words. If I had Private Messages available to me here we could keep in touch that way, but I guess I don't have enough seniority yet to have that ability.

 

Start wandering out in other parts of the board, answer posts and become part of the community, then when your post count goes up and you've spent some time on the boards, hopefully your PM option will be available.

 

When you post, give as little detail as possible in the sense of identifying where you live, where you work etc...

 

Go read networkings post in the cheating/flirting/jealously section and in the OW/OM section someone has posted there about coworker romance as well.

[empty906]

One fear I have developed about this board is that if I continue to reveal some of the recent events, even if I make them as generalized as possible, someone here may figure out who I am.

 

How likely is that? Many of you out there must have had similar concerns about problems you have posted.

 

I know I have posted WAY too much about me in another thread. I tried to be vague at first but in the light of trying to get more help I gave more details. I wanted more help still and gave even more detail. But..., it's okay, really. The way I look at it is, if the person reading knows enough about what's going on in my life to be able to put the pieces together and question whether it is ME telling the story then that person knows me well enough to ALREADY know details about what is happening. Make any sense?

 

Someone who does not know me well wouldn't be able to say, "Hey! That's ******!"

 

I think you are fine here to share what's on your mind. Just leave out names, specific locations and the like.

[Erik]

It's not about rooting. You need to stay clear of her, for your own sake, if not for your marriage's.She's not your friend, you only think so because you are in love with her. And she's not leaving her husband. If you keep playing with fire you'll end up loosing both her and your wife, probably your job too.

[uplooker80]

Seriously mods, please lock this thread, and if possible, delete it.

 

I appreciate all the support I've received, and for those who chose to simply lecture without trying to understand what's happening, may you remain so fortunate that this never happens to you.

 

Today was particularly painful for me, now I feel that I must retreat from this board to solve this on my own.

[whichwayisup]

It's not possible for the mods to delete this thread. You can use the contact us link and see what they say, but once a post is made, it stays (Unless people start fighting and hurling awful words to eachother, then the whole thread either gets deleted or just the hurtful posts).

 

My suggestion then is not to come back if you aren't happy here. Good luck and I hope things get better. I wish you wouldn't leave, there are so many helpful and caring people to help you through this. But, you need to do what's best for you. Come back if you need to. Could always start another thread as a guest poster, that way you don't feel like you could be found about it.

[Erik]

...and for those who chose to simply lecture without trying to understand what's happening, may you remain so fortunate that this never happens to you.

.

 

 

It happens to everyone, or most everyone, it happened to me more than once and I made a fool of myself more than once too.

 

You can't expect not to get lectured in a place like this. Many of the answers you got on this one, tend to tell you what you wanted to hear, stick to those if consolation is what's you need.

 

For advice though: You are jeopardizing your marriage; you don't write so much about your family, but if you are prepared to risk them for the bird on the roof, go ahead. I might've understood that if your colleague showed an amorous interest in you, but she does not. Do not confuse the fact that she initiates intimate conversations with you, with budding love, it is very much the contrary; woman only risk intimacy with men they consider harmless.

[ely]

Seriously mods, please lock this thread, and if possible, delete it.

 

I appreciate all the support I've received, and for those who chose to simply lecture without trying to understand what's happening, may you remain so fortunate that this never happens to you.

 

Today was particularly painful for me, now I feel that I must retreat from this board to solve this on my own.

 

 

 

If anything in life will cost u your faith or your family then the price is too high!!!

I have been in this situation, It is not to lecture you. It is from experience. We do come here for support, so, step up!!! (Mods lock this thread) You seem to give up too easy and that is why you get caught in a situation. You have to face what you are going through. If you want this to be locked and not face what it is said than you will fall...

[CrossRhodes]

Guys, I've been through a similar situation to UL80. I'm only just starting to come out the other side of it too. I can honestly say that I would have felt hurt if I had received some of the responses that were posted here.

 

I know some of you hard-facts-of-life types mean well. But some of this direct advice resembles the kind of misplaced advice that depressed people hear ("snap out of it!"), and that anorexic people receive ("you're too skinny!"). That sort of advice is hurtful when you are going through the torment of unrequited love. I went through more than a year of it at work - a rollercoaster of emotions every day - jealously, elation, heartache, despondency. It nearly destroyed me. It nearly destroyed my marriage.

 

I know you're probably not reading this, UL80, but there's lots of people here who know what you are going through and wish you strength every day.

[uplooker80]

Guys, I've been through a similar situation to UL80. I'm only just starting to come out the other side of it too. I can honestly say that I would have felt hurt if I had received some of the responses that were posted here.

 

I know some of you hard-facts-of-life types mean well. But some of this direct advice resembles the kind of misplaced advice that depressed people hear ("snap out of it!"), and that anorexic people receive ("you're too skinny!"). That sort of advice is hurtful when you are going through the torment of unrequited love. I went through more than a year of it at work - a rollercoaster of emotions every day - jealously, elation, heartache, despondency. It nearly destroyed me. It nearly destroyed my marriage.

 

I know you're probably not reading this, UL80, but there's lots of people here who know what you are going through and wish you strength every day.

Actually I do come back and look periodically. Thank you so much for the kind words.

 

I've done a little research on this curse I have, and it looks like she is my "limerent object". The description of limerence fits me almost exactly.

 

The killer aspect of this is that I work with her, so it's impossible to stay away from her. The added twist is that I have alpha male issues with our boss, and I know exactly what he is thinking about when he chats her up. And yes I know he has every right to talk to her about whatever he wants, but I cannot control this irrational jealousy for a woman I can never have and do not really want.

 

It's the perfect storm. I have good days and very bad days. The very bad days are when he spends a lot of time with her. I am elated when she says good nite to me. I am thrilled when she e-mail's me a joke. I am crushed when she goes into my boss's office. I think about her just about every waking hour. I'm thankful that I somehow can get some sleep. It's probably only a matter of time before this gets screwed up too. This truly is HELL.

 

I am continuing to try to rewire myself. What some here may not understand is that these emotions are involuntary. As I originally explained in this thread, I stopped flirting with her once I caught the limerence disease. I do not want to be this way. I am not chasing her. I pay attention to my wife and family. I want this all to end.

 

If you do not understand what I am saying, then you have never experienced this.

 

And yes, I know that I am messed up.

 

Here's a description of limerence I found on the net.

 

Q: So what's wrong with advice?

 

DT: Everything if you are dealing with limerence. Since limerence is involuntary and extremely tenacious, to advise a person to do what that person absolutely would love to do but cannot, is not helpful. Ironically, the feedback from readers is that Love and Limerence is helpful in one way at least. They say that it tells them they are not alone in the craziness. It helps to be able to say to yourself that that although caught in a crazy state, it's also a normal state and one in which, when things are going right, produces the most intense joy known to human experience. Limerence means an irrationally overpowering condition. It appears to operate independently of other aspects of the person's character or personality.

 

Here's the link.http://www.tennov.com/bookr/QnA.html

[blueberry1]

Uplooker80 completely what you are going through, and I am not here to judge you, because I am in a similar situation. I am completely and madly in love with my boss and I have never felt this intensely before about any man. I am married and he is married, but we both have morals. The fact that he is respectful of me makes me adore him all the more! Just knowing there are other people out there who are dealing with this does help, and having somewhere to talk about it helps too.

[blueberry1]

this board Uplooker80! Just don't read the messages that you don't get any help from. Some of us can relate to your posts, and we need to vent along with you. I too was worried if I reveal too much I would get found out, but this is a big world and I don't think that is likely! I became friends with the wife of my boss, and I thought that would help ease my feelings for him. But unfortunately, it has just added jealousy into the mix. He has a casual way of telling people he loves them, but with me he has said more, which I don't want to tell here for fear of identifying myself! He has said though that if we were free he'd make a move on me. Don't give up on this thread just because of a few people. Unlike you, I am very attracted to my boss in every way, and even though I have always looked down on people who have affairs, I understand how tempting it can be!