Feelings for female coworker!

[CrossRhodes]

And yes, I know that I am messed up.

 

Here's a description of limerence I found on the net.

 

Q: So what's wrong with advice?

 

DT: Everything if you are dealing with limerence. Since limerence is involuntary and extremely tenacious, to advise a person to do what that person absolutely would love to do but cannot, is not helpful. Ironically, the feedback from readers is that Love and Limerence is helpful in one way at least. They say that it tells them they are not alone in the craziness. It helps to be able to say to yourself that that although caught in a crazy state, it's also a normal state and one in which, when things are going right, produces the most intense joy known to human experience. Limerence means an irrationally overpowering condition. It appears to operate independently of other aspects of the person's character or personality.

 

Here's the link.http://www.tennov.com/bookr/QnA.html

 

 

Limerance. I came across that word a few years ago, when I was struggling to work out what the hell was going on when I developed an infatuation for a different co-worker. She was strikingly pretty and I used to sneak looks at her across the office. One day, she moved into the desk opposite me! We started talking and she was so nice. I still remember her pretty eyes. Fortunately for me, she was about to get married, and she took time off work. So I got over her very quickly.

 

My first girlfriend was a limerant attachment. Yes, another very pretty girl. She took me years and years to get over. My third limerant attachment was to my recent co-worker, which I am somewhat over - and fortunately she has recently left work so I will be able to get over her properly at last.

 

You'd think being in love would be a good thing, huh? It truly sucks when it is unrequited. It's funny that you used the phrase "perfect storm" - that's the exact same phrase I've used in my journal many times to describe my recent girl. She was like a nuclear bomb in my life - the perfect combination of qualities that played to my emotional desires. My situation was somewhat different to yours - my girl was single, and she actively pursued me. We shared more and more of our inner thoughts over time and eventually the limerance started. I was a goner. I separated from my wife and eventually dated my girl briefly, but I was consumed by guilt and grief.

 

My girl moved on relatively easily, and we started working on different floors of the building. Still hopelessly attached to her, we maintained a friendship by email and exchanged dozens of emails every day. In time, she made it clear to me that she wasn't going to permit a romantic attachment between us. I went through torment. I loved it when she said goodnight at the end of each day, although that stopped eventually. I loved it when we used to take cigarette breaks together, but they dried up too. I kept trying to re-wire my feelings for her, and whenever I pulled away, she would seemingly have more to do with me, be nicer to me, and then it all started again. She finally left work a week ago and I have accepted that she is out of my life. But guess who called me last night?

 

During the year, my girl started to have more and more to do with her team leader. He's a big fat slob - bit of a liar too and she knows it - but nonetheless I found myself competing with him for her attention. That was a competition I lost miserably and I was crushed (in her going-away card, he wrote "You are a beacon in an otherwise bleak landscape" - arrrghhh).

 

I went through a lot of therapy, read several books, did lots of journalling. I did my best when I thought about her faults, her negative points. If I did that long enough, it would knock her off the pedestal I had her on. At one point last year, I re-discovered my anger and had a brief period where I was happy in the knowledge that I had displaced her image from my mind. It only lasted a few days.

 

Do I like limerance? Ultimately, no. It gives rise to major anxiety in me and this heavily outweighs the positives.

 

Have I learned anything from limerance? My word yes. The good thing about my recent experience was that it forced me to confront myself - who I am, my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my inner hurts. What I discovered was that part of my vulnerability to limerance arises from my lack of internal validation. I recently read a fantastic book called No More Mr. Nice Guy (by Robert Glover), which really hit the nail on the head.

 

Another thing I've learned about myself through all of this is that there is a fairly complex psychology going on - I seek validation through the sexual attentions of attractive women. That doesn't mean I have sex with them. In fact, I've never had a sexual affair, never come close to one (this recent girl was my one and only emotional affair though).

 

Can you dismantle a limerant attachment? I know Tennov said it is involuntary and chemical, but I think we sustain it through our thoughts. I honestly believe it has a lot in common with depression i.e. it is manifested by thoughts and results in a chemical change. I think we have the power to change these thoughts, even though limerance does tend to have a tenacious grip on us. NC is the very best approach, but I understand how hard that is when you work with them. Is there any way you can get your desk moved, or work temporarily in a different area?

 

In the end, I worked out that my contact with my girl was all about me wanting to be significant in her life. If I thought she felt I was significant, it meant I was a worthwhile human being, that I was attractive and sexually interesting. Once I worked that out, I knew I had it all wrong and I should really be giving that validation to myself. So that's what I've been working on this year, and I have felt a lot better ever since.

 

My wife and I are still separated, although we still talk a lot and help each other with our psychological insights. I think we are both likely to start up other relationships soon and that will be OK. Anyway, that's some of my story, for better or worse.

[dropdeadlegs]

uplooker,

 

I hope you will not leave. Just take what you can use and leave the rest.

 

You will find many who understand and care without being judgmental.

 

At the same time, those who have been hurt in certain areas will undoubtedly have an opinion that isn't very positive to your situation.

 

While I haven't been in your position, I see that I could quite possibly be there at some time.

 

I've done many things that I thought I never would.

[empty906]

So what's the answer, guys? And gals there, blueberry. Every problem has a solution, even if it's something that we don't understand or agree with. So with the problem of limerence or genuine love or infatuation or whatever you decide to call it, what do you think the answer is and would it be different for each of us?

 

I did the 'no contact' thing and it hasn't phased my love for the OW at all. Not much else I know to do that is more severing than having zero contact with the person for several weeks. And even then the contact was only broken by bumping into each other in public. Then it was several more weeks until the next time we happened to be in the same place at the same time.

 

I understand the no contact deal can't be considered when you are working with/for the person. So what other things have you tried?

 

As for me, I want this woman. I want contact and I want her as my wife. Want, want, want...

[empty906]

I did my best when I thought about her faults, her negative points. If I did that long enough, it would knock her off the pedestal I had her on. At one point last year, I re-discovered my anger and had a brief period where I was happy in the knowledge that I had displaced her image from my mind. It only lasted a few days.

 

Do I like limerance? Ultimately, no. It gives rise to major anxiety in me and this heavily outweighs the positives.

 

Sometimes I do this but it doesn't seem to be voluntary. I thought it stemmed from my disappointment in being away from her and was my mind trying to find fault in her somehow. But it does help with the longing to be with her.

 

Have I learned anything from limerance? My word yes. The good thing about my recent experience was that it forced me to confront myself - who I am, my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my inner hurts. What I discovered was that part of my vulnerability to limerance arises from my lack of internal validation. I recently read a fantastic book called No More Mr. Nice Guy (by Robert Glover), which really hit the nail on the head.

 

Another thing I've learned about myself through all of this is that there is a fairly complex psychology going on - I seek validation through the sexual attentions of attractive women. That doesn't mean I have sex with them. In fact, I've never had a sexual affair, never come close to one (this recent girl was my one and only emotional affair though).

 

Can you dismantle a limerant attachment? I know Tennov said it is involuntary and chemical, but I think we sustain it through our thoughts. I honestly believe it has a lot in common with depression i.e. it is manifested by thoughts and results in a chemical change. I think we have the power to change these thoughts, even though limerance does tend to have a tenacious grip on us.

 

So why wouldn't you feel this need for validation from all women you are attracted to? There are many very attractive ladies I interact with daily or weekly that I do not feel any feelings toward. They are fun to flirt with but there isn't any emotional attachment taking place. If I never see them again I will forget about them quickly. Or did I miss what you were saying?

 

NC is the very best approach, but I understand how hard that is when you work with them. Is there any way you can get your desk moved, or work temporarily in a different area?

 

You posted this while I was typing on my earlier post. If NC is the best approach or solution how long does the period have to be before seeing the person you are so attracted to doesn't set you back and make you start all over again? Just seeing this woman right out of the blue like I did brought all those feelings right back immediately. And you could see that the same was going on with her. Her face and eyes would light up like they did when we were together. And then I leave her knowing that I am going to have to start all over again with the emotions and feelings of loss. NC sucks. Maybe permanent NC is what it takes. NC ever.

[Mary3]

OP : The type of feelings you have for her are dangerous because they are * emotional * feelings. The most devastating kind when you are married to someone else...

 

If the lady in your office were attracted to you and felt the way you did and showed you affection and sent you loving emails then there would be a Nuclear War in your world..... But she does not apparently feel as strongly as you do.

 

The worse news is this : This chemistry and extremely strong attraction will never * fade * or diminish. Its like a light bulb that comes on when she is present.

 

You cannot * make * the feelings go away so you must take some kind of action. I can recommend a few things. You can imagine her as a burn victim when she is present. Visualize her in a manner you would not find attractive. Confuse and trick your mind. Likely visualizing won't help you that much though ....desperate actions for desperate times....lol..

 

Even if she moved away and you ran across her again then the * light bulb * would come on again. How do I know ? At 14 years old I had a bf and we had a very strong chemistry. I saw him 20 years later and we still * had the chemistry *. Amazing I know...

 

I think this is deeper than you being * bored * with your marraige. I believe your heart is telling you she is * the one * who listens and is everything you want.

If she wanted you the same way you want her then you would walk away from what you have ( your marraige ) a try to create something with this woman. But she doesn't ...so you stay in * Limbo * and thats where you will stay for eternity. You may not be able to stop the attraction but keeping busy can make her out of sight out of mind. But you work with her..

 

I want to say your Post was a fantastic presentation and I felt like I was reading a small love journal...

 

But in any case you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Only distance can make this lesser......until she comes around again.

[CrossRhodes]

Sometimes I do this but it doesn't seem to be voluntary. I thought it stemmed from my disappointment in being away from her and was my mind trying to find fault in her somehow. But it does help with the longing to be with her.

 

As you said earlier, it's quite possible that our own experiences of limerance are unique. Still, in my case, I always found that it was strengthened and weakened by the different thoughts I had. When I broke down my idealised image of her, I felt less of that intoxicating pull to her. But I was never strong enough to keep doing that for long enough. Inevitably, she would be nice to me and I would fall for her all over again.

 

 

So why wouldn't you feel this need for validation from all women you are attracted to? There are many very attractive ladies I interact with daily or weekly that I do not feel any feelings toward. They are fun to flirt with but there isn't any emotional attachment taking place. If I never see them again I will forget about them quickly. Or did I miss what you were saying?

 

 

Great question. Really, great question. I've never stopped to think about this! Remember, this is my particular condition - I'm not saying that this necessarily applies to you or anyone else. What I am saying though is that there is usually an underlying psychology that is driving us, and it is usually something to do with an attachment to a parental figure.

 

To answer the question, I think I have to form an emotional attachment to the woman first. If I share any kind of intimate conversation with them, I think this process initiates. I also need to see them and interact with them regularly. I'm guessing that this doesn't happen more often at work because I am fairly guarded about who I share my inner feelings with. It takes a certain amount of trust, and I don't usually feel trust that quick. Still, I don't think this really explains my second case of limerance. I was besotted by her long before I ever spoke to her. I think I just idealised her without even trying? Maybe she is the clue to working out what is really going on?

 

 

You posted this while I was typing on my earlier post. If NC is the best approach or solution how long does the period have to be before seeing the person you are so attracted to doesn't set you back and make you start all over again? Just seeing this woman right out of the blue like I did brought all those feelings right back immediately. And you could see that the same was going on with her. Her face and eyes would light up like they did when we were together. And then I leave her knowing that I am going to have to start all over again with the emotions and feelings of loss. NC sucks. Maybe permanent NC is what it takes. NC ever.

 

 

I'm going to divulge something I'm a bit ashamed of. My first girlfriend (or fiancee as she was then) left me when I was 23. Even though I never heard from her ever again, I didn't truly get over her memory until I was 35. I don't know if I was actually limerant for that whole time, but the limerance lasted well into my marriage and caused big problems.

 

When it happened the third time, I was determined to do something about it. I went to counselling and learned a lot about my particular psychology that was contributing to this problem. Looking back, there were several factors that were exacerbating my desire to communicate with her:

 

1. My need for validation - emotional and sexual

2. The passionate feelings I felt - it was a far cry from the greyness of depression

3. My isolation at work - the feeling of having an ally

4. Some sort of complicated echo of the scene that played out when my mother kicked me out of home for dating my first girlfriend (I still haven't worked this one out completely but it's spookily familiar - my wife replacing my mother when I had my emotional affair)

5. My desire to make her my partner

 

I don't have a simple answer for you. I think limerance for me had a lot in common with my depression - it was a "disease" borne of thought, exacerbated by thought and diminished by thought. And what seemed like a chemical disease was really a moment-to-moment choice. I could choose to strengthen or diminish my feelings depending on what I concentrated on.

 

In my most recent case of limerance though, there was too much going on for me to just take one approach. The things that worked best for me were:

 

* NC - I always felt best after a long holiday break (say 3 weeks)

* re-discovering my anger towards her - getting angry at her for not reciprocating my feelings and treating me "coldly" or indifferently

* concentrating on my own personal growth

* keeping myself busy with work, hobbies and activities - it was the rumination and spare time that killed me

* just loving her freely and purely without putting conditions on it

 

By the time she left work, I had diminished the rollercoaster experience significantly, although not totally. I don't think I'm totally over her, but in my case, I'm using the experience to work out as much psychological stuff as possible.

 

I know my last girl was not "the one". In my lucid moments, I could see how wrong she was for me. But when the limerance is flowing, all that goes out the window and I forgive her for everything :|

 

CrossRhodes

 

PS. I can't help but see some value in the message from The Secret right here. Thinking negatively about her only seemed to exacerbate my obsession with her i.e. it was never really enough for me to tell myself "I don't really want to be with her". It was better when I visualised another relationship that would ensue after her. Similarly, I always felt my best when I just "went with the universe" i.e. I allowed myself to love her without expectations. It's a bit of a high-wire act though and I would inevitably look down and fall off. One of the authors presented in The Secret - James Ray - describes the Law Of Attraction as "think, feel, act". This is pretty powerful if you understand it. The way I got it, it's not enough to just think your way out of these problems (e.g. depression, limerance). They are powerful feeling states borne of thought, so we need to think positively, then feel that thought viscerally.

 

I hope that doesn't make me sound like a fanboy of The Secret - I'm not very fond of mystical theories, New Ageism or the naked materialism depicted in the film. But I do see a core idea in it which, in the small ways I have practised it during my life, has definitely had merit.

[whichwayisup]

The killer aspect of this is that I work with her, so it's impossible to stay away from her. The added twist is that I have alpha male issues with our boss, and I know exactly what he is thinking about when he chats her up. And yes I know he has every right to talk to her about whatever he wants, but I cannot control this irrational jealousy for a woman I can never have and do not really want.

 

You have to decide you want your jealously and feelings to stop. What good is coming of this if you let 'things' get out of control? Only bad stuff is going to happen...And, you have alot to lose if you don't get your thoughts together and let go of your jealously. Deal with it, go to therapy otherwise things won't ever change.

 

It's the perfect storm. I have good days and very bad days. The very bad days are when he spends a lot of time with her. I am elated when she says good nite to me. I am thrilled when she e-mail's me a joke. I am crushed when she goes into my boss's office. I think about her just about every waking hour. I'm thankful that I somehow can get some sleep. It's probably only a matter of time before this gets screwed up too. This truly is HELL.

 

This is more than a crush, this is borderline obsession. Your thoughts, desires...All of it are out of control. Are you this jealous if your wife talks to another man? Or is it just with the co-worker?

 

This is why I am suggesting you go talk to someone, your emotions and feelings are all over the place, and it's got to stop. You have get yourself in check, man. As I mentioned already, otherwise you will lose your wife.

 

Imagine how you would feel if your wife was lusting and obsessed with another man, like you are with your co-worker? I bet it would kill your heart.

 

I am continuing to try to rewire myself. What some here may not understand is that these emotions are involuntary. As I originally explained in this thread, I stopped flirting with her once I caught the limerence disease. I do not want to be this way. I am not chasing her. I pay attention to my wife and family. I want this all to end.

 

Seriously, get to therapy. Therapy is your friend and you CAN fix those obsessive thoughts. You may not physically chasing her, but you are in your head. Hense the thoughts, fantasies that go on, and continue to feed your feelings.

 

The other alternative is, start looking for another job, then quit your present job.

[CrossRhodes]

The worse news is this : This chemistry and extremely strong attraction will never * fade * or diminish. Its like a light bulb that comes on when she is present.

 

You cannot * make * the feelings go away so you must take some kind of action. I can recommend a few things. You can imagine her as a burn victim when she is present. Visualize her in a manner you would not find attractive. Confuse and trick your mind. Likely visualizing won't help you that much though ....desperate actions for desperate times....lol..

 

 

Never say never. My own experience of limerance contradicts what you wrote - you do eventually get over them. You stop obsessing about them. It's the obsession that kills.

 

 

 

I think this is deeper than you being * bored * with your marraige. I believe your heart is telling you she is * the one * who listens and is everything you want.

 

 

I don't know how to say this politely. I'm really really troubled by what you have written. People don't usually have affairs because they have genuinely met "the one". In fact, there is no "the one". People have affairs because something is missing in their marriage and they get that need fulfilled outside it. Those affairs almost always end badly because the affair only fulfils a limited range of needs. The married person gets very depressed because he/she transgressed their personal values. It's a very sad and painful phenomenon.

 

 

 

I want to say your Post was a fantastic presentation and I felt like I was reading a small love journal...

 

 

I bet the OP doesn't feel that way though.

[CrossRhodes]

Imagine how you would feel if your wife was lusting and obsessed with another man, like you are with your co-worker? I bet it would kill your heart.

 

...

 

Seriously, get to therapy. Therapy is your friend and you CAN fix those obsessive thoughts. You may not physically chasing her, but you are in your head. Hense the thoughts, fantasies that go on, and continue to feed your feelings.

 

The other alternative is, start looking for another job, then quit your present job.

 

 

I agree with the initial value of therapy here, but it's not a panacea for limerance. OP is not at risk of losing his marriage here. His LO does not share his feelings and has described solid emotional boundaries. OP is actually at risk of depression. Also, he is not lusting after this woman.

 

I'm guessing you haven't experienced this situation? Can I ask what your experience of limerance and/or marital infidelity is?

[blueberry1]

Isn't it possible to love someone and marry them and then in later years meet someone else who touches your heart enough so that you fall in love with that person as well? Can't it be as simple as that, and not due to all of these speculated reasons? I do. We don't necessarily just find "the one" person throughout our whole lives who will be "the one" person we feel love for. And it is not always the psychologically troubled or ones who have bad marriages who have this problem as demonstrated by the original poster. And as a Christian woman, I can say that even "we" have these dilemmas of the heart. I love my husband, but it has never been an overpowering love by any means for me, and like I mentioned earlier, I have been deeply in love with my present boss for over a year. It is a major temptation for me, but I realized the last few days I am going to try the one tool I haven't been using, prayer. It is the only thing I can think of to try and keep these feelings for my boss under control. I will always want my boss in my life so I will never leave my job or shut him out of my life. I realize that if I can't have him as a lover or a husband, I'd rather be his righthand woman at work than nothing at all..

[uplooker80]

It's easy to tell by the posts who has experienced this and who hasn't.

 

By the way, I appreciate that people are reading this long winded thread, despite the fact that I now think it really didn't belong in this section of the forum.

 

I am at risk now of looking like a whiner that doesn't want to take the next step to fix the problem.

 

Changing jobs is out of the question.

 

I suppose therapy is all that is left.

 

I have been pretty good at internalizing all of this turmoil. I think I keep a good game face at work through all the highs and lows. Admittedly, I have pulled the odd stupid move, even recently, and remarkably, she still talks to me as if nothing happened.

 

I am amazed at how normal I was around her before this happened. I have no recollection of ever being interested in who she was talking to, or what she did at lunch. I talked to her, I thought she was beautiful, but no emotions whatsoever, just another coworker who happened to be hot .... and this was for 3 years. If only I could go back.

 

I really think a lot about her at home when I perceive that things have gone bad with her. This is the obsessive compulsive component of limerance that attempts to analyse and extract meaning from any interaction or lack of interaction with her.

 

If I can manage to leave work having what I considered a good day with her, it's fairly easy at home. I do think about her often, but just as a background pleasantness. No obsession, or fantasies, or lusting as some have suggested I am doing.

 

Without giving details, I am on the road to a possible friendship with her, beyond work, involving our families. This is something that I think I really want....obviously without the curse of limerance.

 

The primary obstacle in the way of this friendship is me. I am always on the edge of saying/doing something stupid during my irrational moments that will expose me. There are so many social situations at work that seem designed to make my thoughts go out of control...that's when I'm forced to suck it up.

 

Truly an ironic situation...involuntarily pushing away what I really want.

[empty906]

CR, you have made some fascinating comments and I want to elaborate on them latter when I have more time. You thoughts and viewpoints posted above have really helped me in my situation.

 

But I do want to ask one quick question:

 

It is a major temptation for me, but I realized the last few days I am going to try the one tool I haven't been using, prayer. It is the only thing I can think of to try and keep these feelings for my boss under control. I will always want my boss in my life so I will never leave my job or shut him out of my life. I realize that if I can't have him as a lover or a husband, I'd rather be his righthand woman at work than nothing at all..

 

Blueberry, what would you pray for here? I am on your side in choosing this tool as a method to take control of the feelings you have and the situation surrounding them but I want to know something. Your heart is wanting more in this situation, how can you effectively pray with your heart against what your heart is desiring? It seems your prayers will either be shallow from lack of true sincerity or they will be hindered by the outcome you actually want to see deep down. I am not trying to discourage your praying, only asking this for my own curiosity.

[blueberry1]

empty906! Well, I'll just pray that I can resist temptation if my boss and I ever do get into a tempting situation! At this point though, he has alot of unbelievable stress because of his business and he is occupied with that and I'm just trying to offer support to him. He seems to respect marriage boundaries and so do I which is a good thing. He has been through divorce before and knows all of the hardships of that. I don't want to reveal too much on the off chance someone from this small town would recognize my posts. There is absolutely no way to avoid him even if I did quit because of the small town. But I won't do that, so I'm going to pray for a way to deal with my overwhelming feelings for him, my jealousy toward his wife, and I will try to do more with my husband. But feelings are feelings! What can I say?!

[Mary3]

I don't know how to say this politely. I'm really really troubled by what you have written. People don't usually have affairs because they have genuinely met "the one". In fact, there is no "the one". People have affairs because something is missing in their marriage and they get that need fulfilled outside it. Those affairs almost always end badly because the affair only fulfils a limited range of needs. The married person gets very depressed because he/she transgressed their personal values. It's a very sad and painful phenomenon.

 

It is entirely possible that someone can be with the * wrong * person initially and come across someone they feel is * right * for them.

 

While I don't believe in " The One " because there can be many people that come through our lives that can move us..I meant that he could feel she was *the one* in the sense of making him feel all his needs are being met .

[blueberry1]

Uplooker80 that you said in an earlier post that you didn't really want this woman, and in your most recent post you said you were pushing away what you really wanted. I just wondered what you meant by that? And it sounds like you aren't all that attracted to the woman at work physically?

If so, I find that hard to understand. Do you think this limerance word is just another word for obsessive love? Actually, I think being in love is rather obsessive anyway!

[CrossRhodes]

Isn't it possible to love someone and marry them and then in later years meet someone else who touches your heart enough so that you fall in love with that person as well? Can't it be as simple as that, and not due to all of these speculated reasons? I do. We don't necessarily just find "the one" person throughout our whole lives who will be "the one" person we feel love for.

 

 

Absolutely - it happens all the time. The OP is describing one version of this (limerance). But as for the "speculated reasons", I don't think I can agree. I don't believe romantic love exists in the absence of underlying psychological processes. I know that's completely unromantic, but I don't think we can avoid it.

 

Now if your question is something like "is the underlying psychology always dysfunctional?", then I don't have a ready answer for that. Sadly, I'm going to say my answer to that question is "yes". I think that if we are in a committed, loving relationship and we fall in love with someone else, then it points to some interesting issues under the surface. And at the very least, I think it has to mean some sort of boundary violation(s) to begin with. And there is no such thing as love at first sight in my opinion.

 

Of course, if it is love for someone from the past, that's different. Which reminds me of something I read on another blog a while back:

 

I want people to realise that just because you still love someone from your past, it doesn't stop you from having future relationships. You don't have to wait for the feelings to go away. Just accept the fact that the person will always be special to you, but that doesn't make you incapable of loving someone else.

 

I always found that strangely comforting

 

CR

[CrossRhodes]

It is entirely possible that someone can be with the * wrong * person initially and come across someone they feel is * right * for them.

 

While I don't believe in " The One " because there can be many people that come through our lives that can move us..I meant that he could feel she was *the one* in the sense of making him feel all his needs are being met.

 

Hmmm. I suppose that's possible - we are just talking about feelings after all, not facts.

 

Look, I appreciate where you are coming from. Your situation is different to my situation, so let me level with you on something. Tonight, I visited my Mum and she happened to show me an old photo from my first engagement. I hadn't seen it in 20 years. There was my fiancee, looking gorgeous, staring out at me. My heart skipped a beat! Let's say she came back into my life midway through my troubled marriage. I'm pretty sure I'd be saying stuff that sounds a lot like what you are saying.

 

That wouldn't necessarily make her a good romantic choice though. If I left my wife for her, I would be simply substituting one set of problems for another. And I probably wouldn't respect myself for doing it. But god it would be a difficult conundrum! I don't envy anyone in this situation.

[uplooker80]

Uplooker80 that you said in an earlier post that you didn't really want this woman, and in your most recent post you said you were pushing away what you really wanted. I just wondered what you meant by that? And it sounds like you aren't all that attracted to the woman at work physically?

If so, I find that hard to understand. Do you think this limerance word is just another word for obsessive love? Actually, I think being in love is rather obsessive anyway!

 

It's hard for me to define what I feel for her. Despite the fact that she is extremely physically attractive to me, it is the person that I love (or whatever you call the emotion that I have). I want her to think that I am special.

 

As for the pushing away, what I meant is that I really want to be friends with her, and that is entirely possible except for the fact that I am always in danger of saying something stupid or sending yet another dumb e-mail because of the limerance factor and how I struggle with the totally unnecessary, imaginary, competition I have with the boss over her.

 

I think that she still sees me as a stable person. I will eventually blow my cover if I can't shake this, and she won't be interested in pursuing a friendship if this happens.

[whichwayisup]

Am I the only one who sees the potiential disaster of this situation?

 

I am on the road to a possible friendship with her, beyond work, involving our families. This is something that I think I really want....obviously without the curse of limerance.

 

Don't you think your wife knows you well enough that if you all spend time together, she'll (your wife) will pick up on the energy you feel for the co-worker?

[uplooker80]

Am I the only one who sees the potiential disaster of this situation?

 

 

 

Don't you think your wife knows you well enough that if you all spend time together, she'll (your wife) will pick up on the energy you feel for the co-worker?

I'm hoping that this will assist in my rewiring project, and that I will get my act together.

 

Sort of a leap into the great unknown. I'm also doing this because with all the other crap aside, she really is a person worth being friends with, and I think that my wife and her will be compatible.

 

This definately will not be boring.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, maybe your wife and your co-worker will be friends, but it isn't healthy for you. How can you even attempt to get over for what you feel for her if she's friendly with your wife? I'm just asking you to open your eyes abit and take a step back....

 

YOU will be getting something out of the friendship, selfishly. I guess you know what you're doing, but I wish you'd look down the road and see what 'could' happen if you don't control your feelings...You cannot be someone's friend when you're inlove with them.

 

Can I ask though, are you at all in the least worried that your wife will pick up on your feelings for the coworker? Women can pick up on vibes very quickly...And if the coworker seems TOO flirty or looks at you a certain way, your wife will notice that too.

 

All I know is, as do most people, you cannot be friends with someone that you're inlove with and can't have. Hopefully soon you'll figure this out.

[uplooker80]

Oh I'm worried all right.

 

I will be concentrating on getting to know and become friends with her husband, because this is the only way for this to work.

 

Speaking of vibes, I must admit that I am intrigued by what is really going on inside my coworker's head, because I certainly must have given her plenty of vibes myself.

[whichwayisup]

Being friendly with her husband is not going to stop the feelings you have for her!

 

I guess I don't understand why it's so important to strike up a friendship with another married woman when you're married already! A crush is a crush, but you're taking it to another level...it's a potiential dangerous situation you're creating for yourself!

 

If you are so worried, then WHY you are putting yourself through this? It's like you're setting yourself up for a big fall, having to maybe deal with your wife's jealously....Also, the coworkers' husband could pick up on what you two feel for eachother as well.

 

Obviously you're hellbent on seeing this through, so I wish you all the luck in the world. Just remember, you DO have a wife to think about, and what you may have to deal with if your wife picks up on the vibes....Is it really worth screwing up your marriage just to be a friend to the coworker????

[amerikajin]

Oh I'm worried all right.

 

I will be concentrating on getting to know and become friends with her husband, because this is the only way for this to work.

 

Speaking of vibes, I must admit that I am intrigued by what is really going on inside my coworker's head, because I certainly must have given her plenty of vibes myself.

 

Knowing her husband won't help you at all. You are obsessing about her and it is unhealthy. In fact, it might actually be time to consider working somewhere else. You need complete separation from her - nothing less.

[blueberry1]

Uplooker80, did you read my posts about how I became friends with my boss's wife and that I thought the same way you did, that it would help in regard to my feelings for him!! It did not at all, in fact, it has spurred the jealousy monster on even more! On the few occasions he put his arm around her in front of me, I was devastated and he always looked over at me directly after he had done it, as if to see my reaction! Can you imagine how that would affect you, when even seeing her with your boss in an office situation upsets you!? The only positive thing being friends with my boss's wife has done that is positive, has reinforced my moral outlook as to never to succumb to my feelings for him. It is also giving me guilt and jealousy galore. Trust me, it will not make one aota of difference to your feelings for her to know her husband, it just makes things all the more harder! I know!