Feelings for female coworker!

[shellys-trying]

This woman this poster is talking about is NOT interested in him in that way.

He needs to get over whatever crush he has for her cause it's probably making her feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to be friends with a coworker who confessed his crush and I certainly wouldn't be so nice in telling him I'm M. I don't skank around on my H.

If I was the woman, I wouldn't even be friends with him anymore.

 

He needs to move on. He should be ashamed of himself for even getting these feelings for this woman. It's obvious from his posts here she didn't encourage him to like her like that.

His W and family deserves better than what he's shown them, even behind their backs.

Shame on him!

[crazy_grl]

By the way, I'm not sure anyone should ever leave their wife for "true love", or for anyone else for that matter. If we leave, it should be because the relationship has become untenable.

 

I completely agree with that.

[CrossRhodes]

Crossroads, your description of obsession is too wide sweeping, re. evil!There are different forms of obsession.

 

Blueberry, my apologies for not being more specific. I never had OCD in mind when I described obsession - we were speaking of love, so I was thinking more of this:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love

 

Not a great article unfortunately, but it describes the idea of wanting to "possess" the other person. That's the distinction I was trying to make earlier. If there isn't empathy and concern for the other person, this particular form of obsession could lead to depersonalisation, which can then lead to other anti-social behaviours like stalking.

 

I would never think of OCD sufferers in these terms. I have always thought of OCD as things like compulsive handwashing, checking repeatedly that the oven is off etc.

 

You've mentioned being a little "obsessed" with your boss ... can you help me to understand that a little better? Is that something separate from your OCD?

[blueberry1]

CrossRhodes...if you go to the Obessive-Compulsive Foundation website, you'll see that OCD encompasses both obsessive thoughts about people and events and compulsions about washing one's hands, etc. etc. It really has a variety of symptoms for each person. Look at Howie Mandel of Deal or No Deal who has ocd, and focusses on the germ aspect. I don't have that, but do ruminate about things, including the boss, who I also happen to have deep feelings for anyway. This obsessiveness re. stalking is another thing entirely. I'll have to find the website for that kind of info. as well and I'll post both addies here later. Re. my obsessiveness about the boss, I not only love the boss as in being in love (which includes a certain degree of obsessiveness anyway, according to the experts!), I have OCD as well, so it gets magnified even more, if that is possible! That's why you read here at Love Shack about people feeling helpless about their love objects, they are experiencing the same thing people with OCD have, high serotonin levels in their brain. Imagine being like that all the time! I'm on medication, like many people with ocd are, and that curbs the symptoms. But we are by no means "crazy" or anything like that, most of us actually are pretty smart. Anyway, that's enough explanation for now. Like Uplooker, I'm just here to mainly vent and get support and feedback from people about our common problem!

[blueberry1]

Crazy grl and shellys trying...I don't think Uploader is here to get shamed, after all, he hasn't even confessed his love to his coworker or expressed his emotions to her (at least not yet!) and I get the impression he is just here to get support and help in dealing with his problem. I don't think shaming him will help. As for pleading to the Almighty, the Almighty would not be as judgemental as some humans I know. I myself am a Christian, and I use prayer and the Bible as tools, but I also believe a person can go through their whole lives, married or not, and experience feelings for more than one person. It is dealing with those feelings that is the test, and Uploader needs somewhere to talk about this whole thing. Some people do marry the wrong person, and meet someone more suitable later, this does happen sometimes. But it is definitely worth working at one's marriage 100 percent and sticking with it if possible! Don't get me wrong!

[shellys-trying]

Christian here as well.

I think when you make a vow, you stick to it. When you lust after someone other than your spouse, you are breaking a commandment.

 

If we're talking religion, this man needs to repent and stay away from the temptation. He should speak with his W, and head to his pastor, if he has one, or just take it up with the Man Upstairs.

IF we're adding religion to the pot, that is.

[crazy_grl]

Crazy grl and shellys trying...I don't think Uploader is here to get shamed

 

In what way have I shamed him? By pointing out that he is responsible for his actions no matter what the reason for taking them? By pointing out that it could be a disasterous mistake to bring this woman into his life? By offering him suggestions for how to get over his problem?

 

I'm not trying to be confrontational here. I just can't even grasp how what I said can be considered shaming him. Short of encouraging him, there's not much else to say.

 

Some people do marry the wrong person, and meet someone more suitable later, this does happen sometimes.

 

Although I don't personally believe in divorce, I realize that some people do. And I believe that the advice I gave Uploooker to compare the qualities of the OW to the qualities of his wife may help him decide whether he really does want to stay with his wife or not. In comparing the two, it may really sink in how foolish he's been and what a mistake it would be to risk his marriage. But he may very well realize that his wife doesn't have what he wants in a wife after all.

 

Uplooker has said he doesn't actually want a relationship with this OW, so it seems he knows on an intellectual level that he's acting foolishly. But he doesn't actually feel it. His feelings are too tied up with this OW. (And I'm not saying that in a judgemental way. I'm stating it as a fact.) He needs to do something to let what he knows sink in and be reflected in the way he feels. (If that makes sense. It's hard to explain what I mean by that.)

[blueberry1]

I found that website for you www.ocfoundation.org I checked out the Wikipedia site re. stalking, and there are so many things entering into that it gets very complicated! It listed personality disorders that can contribute to stalking and one was obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, which is the one I was trying to think of earlier. It often gets confused with OCD but is really a separate thing. The thing about us OCDers is that we are aware and know that the rituals and ruminations we have are odd and we do our utomost to keep them to ourselves. We may sometimes obsess over another human being and everything about them, but we don't act on that by stalking them, thank goodness! I don't want to delve into this OCD sideline ad nauseam. I've forgotten now your situation and that of Uploader, and I wonder how he is doing..

[blueberry1]

He should be ashamed of himself for even getting these feelings for this woman.

 

 

Shame on him!

 

 

Your words...

[crazy_grl]

 

Your words...

 

I didn't say that. I don't know who did, but I didn't. You need to reread before you go making accusations.

 

(Assuming you're talking to me since I'm the only one who asked where I had shamed Uplooker.)

[shellys-trying]

No, I believe I said, Shame on him. I stand by that statement still.

[blueberry1]

He needs to move on. He should be ashamed of himself for even getting these feelings for this woman. It's obvious from his posts here she didn't encourage him to like her like that.

His W and family deserves better than what he's shown them, even behind their backs.

Shame on him!

 

Oops, sorry 'bout that. I meant to quote shellys trying.

[uplooker80]

This woman this poster is talking about is NOT interested in him in that way.

He needs to get over whatever crush he has for her cause it's probably making her feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to be friends with a coworker who confessed his crush and I certainly wouldn't be so nice in telling him I'm M. I don't skank around on my H.

If I was the woman, I wouldn't even be friends with him anymore.

 

He needs to move on. He should be ashamed of himself for even getting these feelings for this woman. It's obvious from his posts here she didn't encourage him to like her like that.

His W and family deserves better than what he's shown them, even behind their backs.

Shame on him!

You know, I shouldn't bite on this person's comments, but it's obvious they haven't read the thread or understand what's going on.

 

I have not done anything wrong or "un-Christian". What you are doing with these comments is "un-Christian", and you should be ashamed of yourself.

[shellys-trying]

That's fine. I didn't want anyone getting blamed for something I said. No prob.

[shellys-trying]

You know, I shouldn't bite on this person's comments, but it's obvious they haven't read the thread or understand what's going on.

 

I have not done anything wrong or "un-Christian". What you are doing with these comments is "un-Christian", and you should be ashamed of yourself.

 

 

Sorry, Pal, but I'm going by what the "good book" says. I don't feel ashamed by telling you what is my Christian duty, which is be happy with what you have at home, work on that, your M, because I'd say your spouse is worth more than the woman you're tempted to sleep with will ever be.

I'm just about done with this thread anyway. You don't seem to want to hear the truth, so I'll do you a favor and move on. 'K?

Good luck, btw.

[uplooker80]

Sorry, Pal, but I'm going by what the "good book" says. I don't feel ashamed by telling you what is my Christian duty, which is be happy with what you have at home, work on that, your M, because I'd say your spouse is worth more than the woman you're tempted to sleep with will ever be.

I'm just about done with this thread anyway. You don't seem to want to hear the truth, so I'll do you a favor and move on. 'K?

Good luck, btw.

I'm glad you are leaving. BTW, I challenge you to point out exactly where I said I was tempted to sleep with her.

[blueberry1]

Don't worry, some of us, and Christians at that, can relate to what you are going through. I certainly don't judge you, and your situation sounds pretty tame and innocent to me in comparison to some of the things I read here!

[CrossRhodes]

Sorry, Pal, but I'm going by what the "good book" says. I don't feel ashamed by telling you what is my Christian duty

 

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.(Matthew 7:1-2)

 

My wife is a devout Christian and a psychologist. She has recently been studying a discipline called Non-Violent Communication, which among other things, encourages empathic communication as both therapy and and a way of reducing interpersonal conflict.

 

What she noticed is that her Christian upbringing was full of judgmental language, and also how it was interfering in her counselling work. When you remove judgment, you discover that empathy is incredibly powerful.

 

I'm not saying all Christians are judgmental, btw. I have lots of compassionate Christian friends. I just think that certain churches within the Christian faith promote judgmental thinking without realising the consequences of it (e.g. large parts of the Southern Baptist movement are like this).

[empty906]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. Who played the religion card?!? This topic on limerance draws enough confrontation for uplooker already. Bringing his spiritual effectiveness and commitment into the conversation is not only unfair to him but is not promoting positive growth.

 

We ALL have our belief systems already established as adults here. Christianity is a very demanding hat to wear and its bearer must be certain they are taking the upmost care when dealing with others. Let me make a correcting statement here and apologize to uplooker for any offenses which have now been shot towards him:

 

Sorry, Pal, but I'm going by what the "good book" says. I don't feel ashamed by telling you what is my Christian duty, which is be happy with what you have at home, work on that, your M, because I'd say your spouse is worth more than the woman you're tempted to sleep with will ever be.

I'm just about done with this thread anyway. You don't seem to want to hear the truth, so I'll do you a favor and move on. 'K?

Good luck, btw.

 

I have not done anything wrong or "un-Christian". What you are doing with these comments is "un-Christian", and you should be ashamed of yourself.

 

I'm glad you are leaving. BTW, I challenge you to point out exactly where I said I was tempted to sleep with her.

 

Shellys_trying, please listen to me here. You do not have to respond to any of this but I do wish you would hear me out. Your "Christian duty" is to represent Christ and spread his Good News to all the world. That's it. That is more than enough to keep a growing Christian struggling for the rest of his/her life without trying to modify the agenda to fit particular molds we find pleasant in our on lives.

 

Your approach here encouraged no one. I did not feel the love of Christ in the words I read and your target, uplooker, certainly did not feel it. He did not read your post and feel that Christ was the answer to his problem. So, if your readers did not receive that message from your post them what were you trying to convey?

 

You would have been better off leaving out the "Christian" terminology and simply injected your opinion, which is what you done because your readers only heard this. Remember, the "good book" also warns heavily on causing offenses to others as you have done. When you saw someone who is hurting and struggling, why did you seize the opportunity to create a stumbling block for him rather than embrace him and carry him as far as he needs to go. Who cares if you can relate to his concerns, who cares what any of us 'think' uplooker should do at his home, with his wife and ultimately his life.

 

At LS we support, not tear down. As a Christian you support, not tear down. Don't judge him based on your experiences or the posts you have read. Pray for him if you feel that strongly about his decisions but let him leave your posts feeling assured and in control.

 

Uplooker, I apologize for the posts that appear which were written by someone reading only parts of the discussion and failing to understand the underlying theme here.

 

What she noticed is that her Christian upbringing was full of judgmental language, and also how it was interfering in her counselling work. When you remove judgment, you discover that empathy is incredibly powerful.

 

I'm not saying all Christians are judgmental, btw. I have lots of compassionate Christian friends. I just think that certain churches within the Christian faith promote judgmental thinking without realising the consequences of it (e.g. large parts of the Southern Baptist movement are like this).

 

As a once-was-Christian (or still am, or can be, or ???) I agree with you and, sadly, find more comfort and acceptance in the 'world' than the church. I can be littered with troubles, stresses and problems in front of non-church people and I receive compassion, understanding and a listening ear. When I present myself in the same manner before the Christians I am told how wrong I am, how I need to go pray for my soul, and no one is concerned with walking with me as I work through it.

 

For credibility sake, I have been both a paid minister and a missionary. I have seen both sides, lived both sides, and know well the dangers in both the worldly ways and of the Truth. I ask that we all be more careful with our words and with the messages we send to those who ask for help.

[Mary3]

"To be rude about it, she is a total MILF." : Your words Uplooker.

 

For those of you who don't know what a MILF is : Mom I would like to F***.

 

With that said Uplooker , as many wonderful supporters you as you have and I am trying to be extremely fair and patient and at the risk of being stoned to death : I will say that I think you have some underlying things you have not addressed yet.

 

1. You say she is hot and is a MILF which clearly shows there IS sexual interest. Those were YOUR words.

 

2. You give us more and more tid bits each day and its as if you are getting approval to feel the way you do ... I just ask for honesty in dealing with you. If you feel she has nice breasts , or whatever , then be clear about that.

 

3. You want the contination of friendship to extend beyond work but for what purpose ?

A continued friendship with a hot lady you have uncontrollable thoughts ?

 

4. Your reaction to the Boss for chatting her up and paying attention to her because * you know what he is thinking * means that's what YOUR thinking and it reminds me of caveman primal days where each man fights the other for the woman. You have not fully addressed this but promise us you don't feel anything , you don't lust for her but I am sorry but you are not telling the truth.

 

5. I support you Uplooker. I support your coming here and trying to fight this. But in order to fight something you have to find the underlying hidden agendas and elements that REALLY lead to where you are today...

 

My opinion; You DO want to have sex with this woman and of course an emotional relationship as well. I don't buy your pleadings anymore because your ACTIONS are primal and give away what you REALLY want to do.

 

Its okay to say "I am a married man and have the hots for this lady". By trying to convince us its purely platonic...please explain the strong jealousy when the Boss checks her out and chats her up ? Somethings here just don't sit quite right ...

[blueberry1]

now you've got me thinking Mary3...that quote from Uplooker, plus this one below have me confused too.

 

How can the attraction not be sexual in a later post, and yet in the first post Uplooker, you say you find her attractive and a MILF?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the first time it's ever happened to me in my marriage, and the attraction is not really sexual at all.

[CrossRhodes]

How can the attraction not be sexual in a later post, and yet in the first post Uplooker, you say you find her attractive and a MILF?

 

I know I should wait for Uplooker to respond, but this one is pretty straightforward. The excellent Wikipedia article on Limerence covers that:

 

"Awareness of physical attraction plays a key role in the development of limerence, but is not enough to satisfy the limerent desire, and is seldom the main focus."

 

At least that's how I experienced it when I went through it.

[uplooker80]

Ok, here goes my explanation.

 

1. You say she is hot and is a MILF which clearly shows there IS sexual interest. Those were YOUR words.

 

Yes I still think she is hot. However, in my initial post, I was describing her "pre-limerence", when I had no feelings for her. I was attempting to provide the background to my situation. I worked with her many years with no emotions towards her whatsover other than realizing that I found her physically attractive, and then like a light switch, after a particular conversation, I developed huge feelings for her that transcended how I perceived her physically.

 

The men here may understand this more than the women. And ladies, please don't take this last statement the wrong way.

 

I have found many, many women physically attractive during the course of my marriage, and never acted upon it with any of them. She was just like all the others until "the conversation".

 

2. You give us more and more tid bits each day and its as if you are getting approval to feel the way you do ... I just ask for honesty in dealing with you. If you feel she has nice breasts , or whatever , then be clear about that.

 

 

I'm not sure what you are getting at here. The tidbits I left are generally that I think about her all the time, that I genuinely want to be friends with her, that these two issues tend to conflict. As for approval, I'm not asking anybody for that.

 

She remains physically attractive, but I don't want her for that. I love her as a being. I can't explain this adequately, I know.

 

3. You want the contination of friendship to extend beyond work but for what purpose ?

 

Because I truly believe that if would be great for my wife to get to know her as a possible friend, and of course, this would solidify her friendship with me. I can't explain it. I love her mind, I love her soul, she happens to be an attractive woman.

 

A continued friendship with a hot lady you have uncontrollable thoughts ?

 

 

Guilty I suppose. I perhaps blindly think I can control the thoughts.

 

4. Your reaction to the Boss for chatting her up and paying attention to her because * you know what he is thinking * means that's what YOUR thinking and it reminds me of caveman primal days where each man fights the other for the woman. You have not fully addressed this but promise us you don't feel anything , you don't lust for her but I am sorry but you are not telling the truth.

 

 

You probably won't believe this one, but it is sincere. Have you ever felt jealous of a close, same sex friend who is suddenly paying attention to someone else, doing things with them and not you?

 

I have experienced this in the past. I am experiencing this with her now, except for the fact that she is of the opposite sex. I am jealous of others elbowing in on my friendship with her. The fact that she is a woman does ratchet this reaction up, because I also feel the need to protect her.

 

Is this mature? Of course not. I never said that any of this is ok. It's just impossible for me to explain to anybody here that I'm not chasing her to have sex with her.

 

The normal male part of me would have sex with her in a heartbeat, if not constrained by lack of opportunity and a moral compass. But it's not this guy I'm talking about. I find that women tend to wrap sexual interest and love into the same package. Most men keep them totally separated. (I can sense that I'm going to regret this paragraph)

 

5. I support you Uplooker. I support your coming here and trying to fight this. But in order to fight something you have to find the underlying hidden agendas and elements that REALLY lead to where you are today...

 

My opinion; You DO want to have sex with this woman and of course an emotional relationship as well. I don't buy your pleadings anymore because your ACTIONS are primal and give away what you REALLY want to do.

 

Its okay to say "I am a married man and have the hots for this lady". By trying to convince us its purely platonic...please explain the strong jealousy when the Boss checks her out and chats her up ? Somethings here just don't sit quite right ...

 

I appreciate all the support. Again, it looks like some here cannot separate sexual desire from loving someone's soul. Call it BS if you must. I am failing to explain what is inside my heart.

 

If you think my explanations are lies, then so be it. I have no reason to misrepresent what I am feeling here.

 

None of this is "black and white", linear, rational or consistent. This is why I am struggling so much.

 

Something else that has happened since my original post, is that a fair amount of time has passed, and my "friends" relationship with her has grown. Throughout the thread, my story is evolving. I'm hiding lots of details to maintain my privacy, which makes it hard to explain everything fully.

 

It's amazing to me how big this thread has become. I must have touched several nerves.

 

There really isn't anything more for me to say. I have chosen the attempted friends route to normalize the situation. We'll see if I'm doomed.

 

After the get together, I may report back, if anybody is interested.

[Mary3]

Okay lets reverse the situation. :

 

You are a hard working man and put in 70 hours a week ( as an example ) While you are struggling to meet your deadlines and keep your Boss happy your WIFE after many months of talking to a hot younger office worker decides that she has many thoughts and feelings about him.

She wants to have this handsome man as a new friend in your life and starts inviting him to BBQ's and into your home..... You know she is obsessed with him as you sit on the couch and she stares at him like Prime Rib and wishes more than anything ( as you have said ) that if she COULD she would scr*** the living daylights out of him . Of course you used different words but what IF your wife felt THAT way about a man she wanted to have hot sex with ?

 

It does NOT matter that long ago you had no feelings for her. It matters that you do NOW. The present is where we are and you are headed for trouble.

 

If she were 300 lbs and had warts on her nose would you be attracted to her ? Um ...I doubt it... No , she doesn't look like that . She is HOT HOT and you like what you see. So therefore your attraction is once again based on her looks. I know you said her being....But that is why you persue her. Subconsciously you want her in a sexual way although you tell you us you don't.

 

Your situation is worse : You DO find her emotionally stimulating thus explaining how you came across other women who were attractive and never ACTED on anything. Now you tread deep in a dangerous area because you DO find her awesome in many areas and have not been able to put this behind you. ( Ripe for an affair if given the chance at this point )

 

You seem to say you did not seek approval here but as you got more positive responses it was THEN that you said " Well I want her to be in my life , and meet my wife and we can have a great friendship " What the H*** " I say beeeeeeeeeecause you are not talking about just an average person that you and your wife met at a Friday night social. You are talking about a woman whom you possibly love and want sexually who works with you and that your wife has no idea about. One that you admire and love of her being... How devastating for your wife at this point if you act upon this.

 

You love her for her being :Your words . Its okay once again to love her for her personality, the chemistry , the way she looks : except you happen to be married so you can never act upon this honorably unless you leave your wife. Period.

 

Your jealousy is off the hook and bizarre because it seems to be directed towards the MALE. I mean are you jealous of the coffee girl chatting with her ?? Jealousy is never a good thing. It shows you have no control when the Boss is looking at her and your feelings are of frustration. She lights up your world when she says Goodnight ?

 

" Quote : The normal male part of me would have sex with her in a heartbeat, if not constrained by lack of opportunity and a moral compass. But it's not this guy I'm talking about. I find that women tend to wrap sexual interest and love into the same package. Most men keep them totally separated. (I can sense that I'm going to regret this paragraph)" And your point is ??

 

Quote : "Something else that has happened since my original post, is that a fair amount of time has passed, and my "friends" relationship with her has grown. Throughout the thread, my story is evolving. I'm hiding lots of details to maintain my privacy, which makes it hard to explain everything fully. " Uh Oh....Well this is a public forum. and we can only guess what has happened but isn't that why you are here ? I'm not trying to be mean but how can we help when you really have not come to terms by insisting that you Love Her Being and thats all. Okay you love her being. Be satisfied. Why the Quandry ???

 

I'm interested in you doing the right thing. If thats leaving your wife and setting off into the sunset with your lady friend. Or if its to shake this once and for all and realize what you have at home. You make choices. Time for you to make one..

[blueberry1]

CrossRhodes & Uploader...Just so you know, that wasn't my quote that CrossRhodes referred to, it was Mary's re the MILF. I didn't even know what a MILF was, but since she brought it up, I followed it up with my own question.