Attracted to married ex-boss

[ROMBALOVE]

I worked briefly for a really smart boss last year. He is married. I was attracted to him the very first day I met him. He has a great sense of humor. I am married and my husband is a really nice man, but very boring.

 

When I worked with him and in situations where we had to meet in person, there was definitely something going on. He used to stare at me and look away when I look at him and he punches my hand jokingly, if he found a mistake in my work. But for the most part, I felt that he may be a shy person, when it comes to flirting.

 

He has in many ways kindled my energy so much.

 

But now it has been months, since he moved to a different branch and we haven't seen each other or talked to each other, since he moved. But I was continuing to think of him and always wondered how my life would have been, if I met him before I met my husband.

 

A few weeks back, he called me to see if I will be interested in a job in his department. But we later found out that it may not be a right for me. I started to think of him more again, since he called me few weeks ago. Should I take it as a professional act or does he have feelings for me? We are of different cultures and we are not the coolest buddies to help each other.

 

Why should he be concerned about me? Does he want me to work for him again? I do not have any intention of cheating my husband. But I want to be close to someone who can make me laugh and kindle my energy.

What should I do?

[CaliGuy]

Stay away from him is what you should do.

 

Put ANY thoughts of him aside because if you start to lean on him for whatever you are not getting from your husband, before you know it you will end up in bed with this guy and not one but TWO marriages will be destroyed.

 

Is that really what you want?

 

What are you not getting from your husband that you need? Figure that out, pronto.

[IpAncA]

Sounds to me like your getting from this other man what your not getting from you H and so you keep on wanting to be around this guy because he makes you feel good and you light up.

 

You need to leave married men alone. I'm sure his W wouldn't be too thrilled with you hitting on him or worse, having an affair with him.

 

Need some more information here. What going on between you and your H to make you want to seek someone else? You need to work on your own marriage and not interfer with someone elses.

[whichwayisup]

I am married and my husband is a really nice man, but very boring.

Ask yourself this. IF there was no other man in the picture that has caught your attention, would you still be feeling like your husband is boring?

 

But I want to be close to someone who can make me laugh and kindle my energy.

 

Then find women friends. Don't rely on a man outside your marriage to meet those needs.

[ROMBALOVE]

whichwayisup,

 

To answer your question. No, I wouldn't have felt that my husband is boring as much as I do now if this guy hasn't caught my eye. But my husband being boring has;t reallly bothered me until this new guy. Also, I have known my husband for 8 years and no other man has ever attracted my attention. I was a pretty stong person until recently.

 

I have even talked about this new guy to my husband, saying that the new guy is distracting me and all that. My husband is a very caring person, so it was okay to talk to him. My husband is willing to do what it takes to make me happy.

 

But all your points are well taken. I will try to hang out more with good friends and divert my mind.

[whichwayisup]

My husband is willing to do what it takes to make me happy.

I'm sure he is, but one of those things he IS NOT going to let you do is, become closer with this guy! That is just asking for trouble.....

 

If you want your marriage to stay on the straight and narrow then definately distance yourself from the other guy and focus on your husband. Spend time with women friends and family...Don't rely on some other man for your happiness to make YOU feel good.

[Porn_Guy]

...Don't rely on some other man for your happiness to make YOU feel good.

unfortunately whichway, most women DO rely on their man for happiness. This is what society has told them to do since the day they were born.

[whichwayisup]

I see your point and know where you're going with this, but I meant she shouldn't be looking outside her marriage to make herself feel good and fix her problems that way...

[norajane]

If your life with your H is boring, why don't you take the initiative and do something to make it less boring? Start flirting with your H, make eyes at him, tell him how handsome he is and how hot he makes you, send him dirty little emails during the day, have sex in the shower, plan special evenings for the two of you to do something fun, get dressed up and go out together, take up a new hobby or sport that you could both do together.

 

Point is, it takes two people to make a relationship boring or fun. Do your part instead of checking out of the relationship and looking for fun and attention elsewhere.

[ROMBALOVE]

Norajene,

 

Good point that it takes 2 people to make a relationship boring or fun. I am sure I am contributing to the boredom.

 

But sometimes though the 2 people may be independently interesting in different ways, the 2 together may be boring.

 

I know MY INTEREST about this other guy is a wrong direction, but don't married people temporarily get carried away by other men/women they meet. Though the relationship need not end up physical.

 

I am going try to apply all the good advice on this forum. Also, I do not want to lose my dignity and end up throwing myself at this other guy. Because I am independently well accomplished at work and have built a good reputation. I am going to focus on my career more. But it is still going to take some time to get the other guy off my mind completely.

 

Does anyone see that I am over estimating the scenario? Like do you think it is one sided or do you think the other guy has also some feeling for me. Because, if it is one sided, I can work at taking thi sthing off my mind easier than a scenario where he is also showing interest.

[IpAncA]

 

I know MY INTEREST about this other guy is a wrong direction, but don't married people temporarily get carried away by other men/women they meet. Though the relationship need not end up physical.

 

You should never do something like this temporarily. How would your H feel is you told him that it was only temporariy? He probably wouldn't buy into that.

 

You should never put yourself in a position to let something happen. It could led to a emotional or physical affair. Even if you think that it won't, it if can happen it will.

 

You also shouldn't date coworkers because if you did end up having an affair and your H found out and you and this OM broke up, just think what would happen to your situation at work. It will be one BIG mess.

 

But like others said you should try and work on your own marriage with you H and try to fix what is broken.

[whichwayisup]

Does anyone see that I am over estimating the scenario? Like do you think it is one sided or do you think the other guy has also some feeling for me. Because, if it is one sided, I can work at taking thi sthing off my mind easier than a scenario where he is also showing interest.

 

It doesn't matter what he feels or doesn't feel for you. That won't change anything - Except feed your ego. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but honestly it shouldn't make a difference to you either way.

[CaliGuy]

Norajene,

 

Does anyone see that I am over estimating the scenario? Like do you think it is one sided or do you think the other guy has also some feeling for me. Because, if it is one sided, I can work at taking thi sthing off my mind easier than a scenario where he is also showing interest.

 

You are looking for "justification" to start an affair with this guy, emotional or physical.

 

And your words are proof of that. If you love your husband, you OWE it to him and yourself to talk through your problems.

 

Otherwise leave him and let him be free to love someone who truly loves him the way a WIFE should -- and NOT the way you are acting.

[Sal Paradise]

As Cali said you're looking for a justification to cheat. Deep down you know thats what you want to do. You're in full denial so you're telling yourself its friendship and companionship that you're seeking. What you're doing could be considered cheating already, its called an emotional affair and its just as bad as a physical one.

 

Your husband isn't boring, the two of you together are not boring. What you're experiencing is the high of someone new. Its not anything special really. Your bond with this guy isn't special and the way he makes you feel isn't special. Everything you're describing is the text book, common place scenario that starts many affairs. You allowed yourself to get into this situation with this guy, if it wasn't him it would of been someone else. He isn't anymore interesting than your husband and you guys together aren't anymore exciting. The difference is your husband is safe. He is the same guy you have known for years. This guy is new. Thats all it comes down to really, you have the wandering eye and you want some strange.

 

Your ego won't allow you to see it like that but thats the truth. You don't want to face the truth that you want to cheat. That you are capable of doing that to a great guy who loves you. So you make it about how he is boring and the new guy is intoxicating. This makes it something special and not just a case of you being a bored wife who wants to screw someone who isn't your husband.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh I'm trying to wake you up before you destroy your marriage. You don't realize how close you could be to doing just that. This new guy isn't special. If you switched him with your husband you would be bored with him right now as well. Your life is in a rut so instead of fixing it you want to destroy it. Thats the easy way out. If you can't fix it throw it away. If you put the energy you waste thinking about how you can get closer to this married man into your own marriage you wouldn't be in this situation.

 

Also consider that this guy is married. What gives you the right to not only destroy your own marriage but help him destroy his? What has his poor wife done to you? Does he have children? Do you want to help Daddy hurt their Mommy? You want to help his son learn a bad example from dad on how to be a good husband? Do want to be partly responsible for destroying his marriage or his family?

 

Wake up and smell the manure that you're about to step in. Don't do this to yourself, your husband, your marriage or anyone else. It takes two to tango but he doesn't have to tango with you.

[ROMBALOVE]

All of you guys can be great relationship consultants. Different perspectives, but pointing to the same conclusion. It is true that I might be trying to find a justification to cheat. I might have a confirmation bias and working towards it.

 

But I do think that I have a lot of room to improve my relationship with my husband, because he is a very nice person. I am the bad one!! I will post after a month or so, about how I progressed with my husband.

 

8 years ago I met a "so called" smart guy and fell for him, but he turned out to be a utter dishonest guy and I felt miserable and dumb for not seeing who he is from within. After that is when I met my husband and he did not have all the superficial qualities that I was looking for, but he is a honest and caring person. He does anything and everything to make me happy.

 

I really appreciate all your openness. Glad that some of you were a lil harsh. I can see where I will be going, if I progress with the same intention. Immaterial of what my ex-boss thinks of me, I understand that it is in my hands to dilute that situation and take care of my life. It is hard to express these feelings even to a close friend, because of what they will think of me. But I think you all gave me advice as any concerned friend/family member would.

 

And yes, he does have a child and I DO NOT, DO NOT want to hurt a child or another woman. That innocent child/wife did not do anything wrong to be losing his dad/husband to a bored wife.

 

Thanks Again.

[whichwayisup]

And yes, he does have a child and I DO NOT, DO NOT want to hurt a child or another woman. That innocent child/wife did not do anything wrong to be losing his dad/husband to a bored wife.

 

Then focus on this next time you have the fantasy of wanting to cheat on your husband with the other guy. Not only will you hurt your own husband, but you'll be hurting other innocent people, and children who do NOT deserve to go through the pain of infidelity and betrayal by their own father. Stay away. IF he wants to cheat on his wife and family, let him do that with someone else...Don't let yourself be part of that!

[CaliGuy]

All of you guys can be great relationship consultants. Different perspectives, but pointing to the same conclusion. It is true that I might be trying to find a justification to cheat. I might have a confirmation bias and working towards it.

 

No offense but this was my first thought the minute I read your post and can see you were trying to "justify" pursuing this guy and cheating on your husband.

 

But I do think that I have a lot of room to improve my relationship with my husband, because he is a very nice person. I am the bad one!! I will post after a month or so, about how I progressed with my husband.

 

IMHO, if you are the "bad" one then divorce your husband and let him find someone who will love and appreciate what a good guy he is.

 

Ask yourself if you were in your husbands shoes, what would you do? How about communicating with him? How about go to Counseling and seeing what YOU can do to improve yourself so that you can learn to appreciate your husband and not let your eyes wander towards fantasy land. Because really, affairs "look" good on the surface but once you get them started they destroy lives and families. And not just your life and your family but the lives and families of the man you decide to indulge in your ill-conceived fantasies on.

 

8 years ago I met a "so called" smart guy and fell for him, but he turned out to be a utter dishonest guy and I felt miserable and dumb for not seeing who he is from within. After that is when I met my husband and he did not have all the superficial qualities that I was looking for, but he is a honest and caring person. He does anything and everything to make me happy.

 

I'm glad you call them superficial qualities. What is on the outside eventually fades over time but what is on the inside will last forever. If you really appreciate your husband, seek Counseling.

 

I really appreciate all your openness. Glad that some of you were a lil harsh. I can see where I will be going, if I progress with the same intention. Immaterial of what my ex-boss thinks of me, I understand that it is in my hands to dilute that situation and take care of my life. It is hard to express these feelings even to a close friend, because of what they will think of me. But I think you all gave me advice as any concerned friend/family member would.

 

Many people here on LS have been on both sides of an affair, as the cheater and as the victim. There's nothing glorious with affairs. God knew this a long time ago when He created marriage that adultery would lead to the destruction of two families. It's hard to see it when we're concerned about our own perceived needs. Lean on the experience of those here at LS who have seen first hand what an affair can do to a family. I've seen it first hand with my own sister and trust me, it was NOT pretty.

 

And yes, he does have a child and I DO NOT, DO NOT want to hurt a child or another woman. That innocent child/wife did not do anything wrong to be losing his dad/husband to a bored wife.

 

I appreciate that you feel that way. If your boss is a good man, he would not allow an affair to happen. You're not the only one at fault here. So is your boss.

 

I really feel sorry for your husband and his wife in the sense that they have no clue what is going on and that their marriages are in jeapordy.