So my ex has been contacting me

[VeniceQueen]

My boyfriend of a year and seven months and I split about two months ago. I was devastated. For the first few weeks I was a complete wreck and made all the classic mistakes. I called him all the time, I cried, I told him I loved him, I told him he was making a mistake, I tried to reason with him.

 

But he wouldn't budge. I couldn't understand how he could be so cold, how he could just not care anymore. So I just gave him his space and was distant. The funny thing is, whenever I do this, he always wants to talk to me.

 

For the last few weeks, he's been the one to initiate conversation. He's been really nice and it's actually him doing most of the talking. Last week he IM'd me three days in a row. Sometimes it seemed like he was making up silly excuses to talk to me. We would talk about our day and what's been going on in our lives. He teasingly told me it was "all my fault" for getting him so into Harry Potter, tells me I looked nice today or that my hair looked pretty...things like that. I'm sweet and pleasant to him, though I don't bring up our relationship. Also, he had this poem in his profile, where he knew I'd see it:

 

Come back and claim the piece of my heart

That has belonged to you for so long

For years I 've waited for your return

 

Sweet mild moonlight

Filtered through clouds at night

How was I to know you'd betray me all along?

Lighting a path to my own demise

 

 

I can tell he's unhappy. A few days ago we had a really weird conversation. I could tell he was in a bad mood but wasn't sure if I should say anything. Out of the blue he asks me if it bothers me when he talks to me because it just feels so casual and weird. And I said no, it doesn't bother me, but it's to be expected that we're casual. What is he trying to get at!? He chose not to be with me! Then he goes on to say he feels like he should be "less over me" whatever that means. He's scared of becoming more than just acquaintances with someone but doesn't want to be one of those people who is afraid of closeness. He tells me he's no good alone and feels terrible all the time.

 

I don't understand. Was he just trying to get a reaction out of me? As much as him being with another girl would bother me, I'm not about to let him know that. I didn't ask any questions. Yesterday he IM's me again and we had another nice, casual conversation. If he doesn't care, why does he want to talk to me all the time?!

 

I love him with all of my heart. He hasn't left my thoughts since the breakup. I don't know what all this means though. The poem, the contacting me all the time...it's like he's trying to speak to me in riddles, to tell me in a roundabout way he misses me. As much as I would love to be with him, I know I have to proceed with caution. If there's a chance for us, he's got to be the one to make the next move.

 

What can you make of his behavior? What do I do now? Just continue keeping my distance and only talk to him if he initiates the conversation? Any insight or advice is appreciated.

[Guest]

its casual because you know each other - that means things are getting better. i would see us getting together as a date or something, we are beyond that stuff. and she cared - u freaked her out and she didn't need that in her life - who does. look, she went from insane boi, to manic romeo, to quiet reflection lad, and know she sees a bit of the old u but with spice - relax, just do something u haven't - pay attention - she knows u love her, u know she loves u, and if u keep things simple - maybe she will talk to u - i bet she will. unless she is married [lol]

[Cub]

Yea, as to what message he's trying to send you this is very confusing, but it could just be him feeling guilty that he might have hurt you. Then again, it might be him surprised that you've suddenly started acting like you don't care that he's no longer in your life. It's like you've cast him aside instead of the other way around.

I'm not too sure what to do because I'm not really sure what he wants, but no one is ever really sure except for the person doing it. Though from the sound of it, he really doesn't know what he wants either.

Just keep up limited contact to feel him out and if he still wants be elusive then it might be a good idea to just go full NC so that you can heal and he can decide what he wants.

[D-Lish]

Yes, I think it's evident he still has some feelings for you.

Perhaps he's feeling lonley and having a change of heart as the holidays approach.

 

I think it's in your best interest to wait for him to initiate all conversations. When he's ready, perhaps he'll be able to communicate to you what is going on in his head.

 

You're doing the right thing by not pressuring him. It's obvious he needs to take things at his own pace for the time being.

Good luck,

D

[VeniceQueen]

Thanks for the advice, guys. D-Lish, I think you're completely right. I'm not going to pressure him, I'll let him bring it up when he's ready. It's so hard, missing him every single day and wanting to share things with him. But I've realized pressuring him and trying to force things isn't going to work in my favor.

 

What do you guys think of me giving him a Christmas card? I wouldn't write anything serious, just "Thinking of you and hoping you have a wonderful Christmas. Best wishes for the New Year!" or something like that.

 

I don't know how I should act whenever we cross paths during school. Should I ignore him and look straight ahead? Or just offer a friendly smile and be on my way? It's very awkward.

 

My Spanish teacher noticed I've been down lately and offered some advice after class. She says young men are very confused sometimes and have no idea what they want. I think this is true with him. He's only 18, has just completely changed career paths, and not to mention he has a rough past filled with abuse in his home. I guess all I can do is give him the time and the space to figure out what he wants.

[demilde]

"Thinking of you and hoping you have a wonderful Christmas. Best wishes for the New Year!"

 

wouldn't pit that in, you are writing him a card, it is obvious you are thinking of him. Keep it simple like

 

"Wishing you a Wonderful Christmas. Best wishes for the New Year!"

 

Then in lemon juice write how you feel!!!! :-)

[VeniceQueen]

"Thinking of you and hoping you have a wonderful Christmas. Best wishes for the New Year!"

 

wouldn't pit that in, you are writing him a card, it is obvious you are thinking of him. Keep it simple like

 

"Wishing you a Wonderful Christmas. Best wishes for the New Year!"

 

Then in lemon juice write how you feel!!!! :-)

 

Haha, totally!

 

Aghh, I just don't get it. What does he want from me? Why does he want to talk all the time? I just wish I could get inside his head sometimes.

 

I've started living again, though. I'm keeping up all my commitments, seeing friends,working out again, keeping my grades high. But dating is something I just can't do right now. I am focusing on taking care of myself. I know I have to fix myself before I can help fix our relationship.