Listening to the inner child vs the adult

[wj]

I'm having a hard time with my transition into adulthood. My inner child keeps wanting to "run the show". As a child I have memories of being cared for and laughing with my older siblings and parents. I can almost say I was spoiled (youngest of three with a 6-8 year age difference). We didn't have much money but my family made up for anything I lacked in love and tender care. As an adult I seem to get into these relationships where my mate reminds me of how I was treated as a child. There's not much money between the two of us so we can't do many things that my adult side would like (concerts, plays, travel). Also, if I offer to pay for something, eventually he gets offended.

 

However when we're together we have a blast. We stay up late, laugh about goofy things, like the same food/music/movies, cuddle, and really spoil ourselves sexually. However my adult side feels neglected. We don't hang around the same type of people or friends, we don't go out much with other people, and we don't go to church as I would like. We also don't seem to have much time because of work.

 

My problem is that I'm having a hard time finding a man that feeds my adult side without it feeling like a chore to be with them (boring). If I do find someone it's the exact opposite of what I have now. We don't stay up late together, we don't laugh about things together, and the sex is boring. I've been lucky enough to meet men that share my adult interests however, I don't feel as comfortable around them. It seems like a job to be around them. I guess I will just have to learn to get use to it if I want that balance. Tell my inner child to "shut-up". Has anyone ever felt like this?

[Tony T]

This is not as much a problem of your "inner child" as it is just being influenced by your upbringing as we all are. Usually the term "inner child" is used as it relates to that part of us that was wounded or abused in our youth. It sounds like you had a pretty good family life.

 

We are all affected by the way we were raised, no matter how. (OK, call it inner child if you want to.) If there was scarsity of money or material things because of some level of poverty, we develop a limiting mindset we take into our adulthood. If we were told repeatedly as a child that there wasn't enough money for this, that or the other, we grow up with a scarsity mindset. Then, when we are adults, we organize our lives to perpetuate this scarsity.

 

Or if we are just used to a lifestyle which began in childhood which limited our access to the nicer things of life, this embedded a lifestyle mindset in our subconscious minds which we have to break out of in order to manifest the kind of lives we want as adults.

 

We attract people into our lives people and circumstances that will perpetuate the ideas and values we grew up with and feel comfortable with....thus, you meet and feel most comfortable with guys whose resources are limited in ways similar to your childhood.

 

The cure for this is rejecting ideas you learned in your youth and understanding that the real world is full of options and opportunities; understanding that you are not cursed to spend your financial life as your parents did; that you have the power to change and mold yourself and your life into whatever you desire. History is full of great men who came from poverty and we on to make fortunes on their own.

 

Limiting beliefs can play havoc on our minds if we let them. Subconsciously, you may even feel guilty for wanting more than your parents offered you or for wanting a better material life than you parents had. There is NOTHING wrong with this desire and you will have to work on giving yourself permission to move forward to more prosperity and thing things you want in this world that will be fulfilling to you.

 

Every great writer and philosopher who ever lived has subscribed to the idea that our lives are shaped by our thoughts. So, you're going to have to start there by erasing all of your thoughts and attitudes about money, wants, scarsity, etc. and truly believe that there is enough for everybody and you deserve the very best there is of everything.

 

As an adult, you want a variety of experiences. You may not find a guy to meet every single one of your desires but you can do better than you have. For a time, you may feel some discomfort around or even be repelled by guys who seem to be more financially stability and resources but you're going to have to push yourself into changing. You will find some of these men to be controlling or otherwise undesireable. Reject them. But there are millions of men who can meet your needs for companionship, laughter, doing things together (concers, plays and travel), religious involvement, etc., who you can love and be happy with.

 

Before that's going to happen, you have to make changes within yourself and push yourself so you will be open to having those men come into your life.

 

There's a possiblity you may need some counselling. However, I think a good book or books on attracting prosperity (often found at metaphysical bookstores) is what you may need. Also make some positive affirmations for what you want and repeat themselves to yourself often so your mind fully understands we want some change to take place here.

 

One other idea. Go to http://www.google.com and play with some search words like "attracting prosperity". You can start doing that right now. There are some good sites...and some poor sites...to help you get started on changing your mindset and explaining just how you got to this place. Just don't order any of those stupid subliminal tapes or CD's you may see for sale....they're garbage.

 

My final theory may be, depending on your age, that you're meeting men who are from the same place you came from but are ambitious and on their way up the ladder. There is nothing more romantic that two people working together to make a better life for each other over time. You will have to communicate with these guys to find out exactly where their head's are at and what direction they may be moving. Perhaps they want the same things you you do and are working hard to attain the education, training, job advancement, etc. necessary to attain the necessary funds.

 

Sometimes you can't expect all your desires to pop into your life simultaneously. Explore this aspect as well.

[wj]

Very interesting comments. I agree with many of your conclusions. It just seems like I can't leave my childhood mindset alone. Even in my career. If I were offered a choice between an exclusive, well-respected, high-paying agency job and a county job with employees who share my background, I would take the county job. It's as if I don't want to let the past go and move on.

 

I can say that I am making strides. I say that because I am finding that I don't share the same values with my current coworkers or background. I also see that just because we are the same color does not mean that we were raised the same or share common interests. I am considering a move...can you tell. Also, when I truly look at my relationships, we don't share many of the same values. We are in the same financial situation but our characters are not the same when it comes down to it. I have ordered a book from the website you recommended.

 

This is deep stuff. I did go to counseling once but they just recommended medication. I wanted to talk but I didn't feel that they truly understood how I felt. My father says these feeling happen when someone tries to climb from one socio-economic level to a higher SES. I am not interested in climbing up to the top. However, I did go to school, worked extremely HARD!!!, Jumped through all the hoops and finally, I have the training. I just want to be able to pay my bills and not be in debt. My parents did not finish college so I don't think they truly understand how hard it was for me to do it on my own without much support from them. They even say I want to much and I should be satisfied with what I have. I am grateful for what I have but I need to live without feeling like I am one check from loosing everything because something goes wrong. My family also said that I should get married so it will be easier. Is that what marriage is? A way out of financial debt. I sure hope not. If so, boy is life a joke.

 

Sometimes I feel like I have so many issues with race, religion, finance, sexuality, and my childhood I feel like I could loose it all. It is so hard because I feel like no one else has felt like this. I do feel like I have changed my economic status since my childhood but sometimes I feel like all the emotional changes are just to much. Relocation from my family, being judged, jealousy, loosing friends, making false friends, feeling unsatisfied and depressed...all this has come with my economic change. I also feel like at this point I am not getting paid what I am worth. So this may have much to do with me feeling like the pain is not worth the effort. I just hate going through so many changes will it ever end.

 

I hope my 30's are better.