appropriate behaviour?

[yes]

hi!

 

i have a question about how certain behaviour makes me look, etc.

 

1 - i was having lunch by myself in a restaurant, and a couple of guys invited me over to their table (took some convincing, of course), and eventually, i ate with them and they paid for me, and one of them gave me his number. i don't intend to call.

 

was it okay to let them pay? to even agree to sit with them? i felt comfortable doing it, but when i told my mom about this, she said i should've paid myself.

 

2 - i went to a zen temple, and met a guy there. he invited me to have lunch w/ him in a nearby park (very crowded park)... i agreed, we talked for a couple of hours, and then he gave me a ride to my college.

again, i felt totally fine, but my mom said i should've refused the ride.

 

those are just two recent scenarios, but it happens all the time - if a guy offers to buy me a drink, should i refuse? obviously i dont know until i talk to him if i'll give my number or not, so i can't do a "accept the drink if u like him" rule.

 

So i guess my question is - when guys invite you somewhere, offer to pay, offer to help, etc - when is in inappropriate to accept?

I feel like i'm slightly unfamiliar w/ the social rules - perhaps it makes me look slutty if i have lunch with two guys i just met??

I'm quite comfortable with strangers (in fact, sometimes more comfortable than with people i know)...

 

is it cheap to enjoy all the freebies from men? i dont feel like it is b/c it's their offer...

 

i RARELY give out my number - usually take the guy's number, and most often i don't call b/c i prefer to date guys i meet at college or through a friend.

 

thanks,

-yes

[Tony T]

YOU WRTE:

 

1. " i was having lunch by myself in a restaurant, and a couple of guys invited me over to their table (took some convincing, of course), and eventually, i ate with them and they paid for me, and one of them gave me his number. i don't intend to call."

 

was it okay to let them pay?

 

If you didn't know them, it wasn't a good idea to sit with them...and it wasn't a good idea to pay. If you live in a very small town, maybe things are different. But in most places, this is not necessarily unacceptable...but just weird.

 

You have to draw boundaries for yourself. Don't let strangers you don't know convince you to join them unless there is a compelling reason to do so or the circumstances are such that it's OK....particularly if you're alone. I personally would have found it very irritating to have people bothering me like that when I'm by myself in a restaurant. Asking once is sweet but taken beyond that is just rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful. You should have called the manager.

 

2. to even agree to sit with them?

 

Wrong move in my opinion.

 

3. "i felt comfortable doing it, but when i told my mom about this, she said i should've paid myself."

 

Once they captured you, it didn't make a whole lot of difference who paid. But, for the most part, there's no free lunch and by letting them pay you put yourself in a position of obligation that could have backfired on you if they would have gotten more agressive. If strangers can coax you into sitting with them, they've probably got the power over you to ask more.

 

4. "i went to a zen temple, and met a guy there. he invited me to have lunch w/ him in a nearby park (very crowded park)... i agreed, we talked for a couple of hours, and then he gave me a ride to my college.

again, i felt totally fine, but my mom said i should've refused the ride."

 

This requires a judgement call. You met him at a pretty harmless place. You had some things in common. You talked for a few hours. That's probably long enough to determine to a large degree if the guy is a mad rapist or not.

 

However, it's really not a good idea to accept rides from strangers. That's pretty basic. At what point a person ceases being a stranger is up for debate. But for many reasons, it would have been best if you would have found your own way to where you were going and declined the ride.

 

Unfornately, we live in different times than existed 50 years ago.

 

4. "those are just two recent scenarios, but it happens all the time - if a guy offers to buy me a drink, should i refuse?"

 

That's a judgement call and I think it's quite fine to accept a drink from a guy who wants to get to know you better in a bar. But that's where it's got to stop. Don't put yourself in a position where he gets you sufficiently drunk that you can't turn down a request to go home with him.

 

5. "So i guess my question is - when guys invite you somewhere, offer to pay, offer to help, etc - when is in inappropriate to accept?

 

When the guy is someone you've seen a number of times around town, you know of him, you know his reputation, you know he doesn't have an extensive criminal record, etc. It's best if he's somebody you've talked to a few times and you are interested in knowing him better.

 

Inviting you somewhere is basically asking you on a date. You just don't go out with total strangers. This is sort of common sense stuff so you're going to have to get some of that pretty quick for your own personal safety.

 

6. "I feel like i'm slightly unfamiliar w/ the social rules - perhaps it makes me look slutty if i have lunch with two guys i just met??

I'm quite comfortable with strangers (in fact, sometimes more comfortable than with people i know)..."

 

It's got nothing to do with social rules, it's got a great deal to do with your personal safety. Also, if I'm a guy and I can easily coax you into going off with me, having lunch or dinner, taking a walk, going wherever and allowing me to take you home, I would put you in a class as being extremely easy....I would probably not ask you out again. I wouldn't go so far as to say you were a slut unless you gave me oral sex in the car or something.

 

On the other hand, if you told me you wanted to get to know me better before you accepted invitations from me, I would be impressed and go out of my way to see that we got to know each other better. That would make me happy.

 

7. "is it cheap to enjoy all the freebies from men? i dont feel like it is b/c it's their offer..."

 

I don't know what kind of freebies you're talking about but accepting anything from men you don't know well does not look good, except as I have described above. And even when you know a guy well, there has to be some boundaries and balance. If a guy is always giving you things, he's either manipulative, crazy, has low self esteem, or all of the above. This is a guy you don't want to have anything to do with.

 

I think women are most receptive to guys who don't go overboard doing things for them right off the bat. A drink or a bit to eat sounds fine with somebody you've just gotten to know and you don't have to go far to get those....anything beyond that just doesn't look good until you know them better.

[yes]

sounds convinving... especially coming from a man. gives you a totally diff-t perspective.

 

i think it's a bit vague for me because of this crazy variety of cultures where i live ... u know - chinese vs latino men is a big difference ... and considering there's over 40 cultures mixed in my city, u sort of get lost on what means what ... like a kiss on the cheek from a latino means nothing, but from a british guy it's got a whole lotta meaning, most of the time (i know i know im stereotyping )

 

anyway - i'll watch it a bit more. thanks for your input.

-yes

[Ally Boo]

Well, I personally have kinda experienced something like this when I was younger.

 

Looking back, I realize the danger I could have put myself in. Riding in a car with someone you barely know, is SCARY. Doesn't matter if you met him in a Temple or Walmart. They are able to hurt you by making you trust them right away and get you vunerable. Do you think that a serial killer is going to give their victim any sign that they are going to get hurt?? NO, if they did, there would never be victims. I saw a documentry on Jeffrey Dohmer, and did you know that every night he walked a lady, that he worked with, to her car so she wouldn't get hurt? Needless to say she was beyond shocked when she learned the truth.

 

DON'T subject yourself to this. Have you heard of the "Date Rape Pill?" A friend of mine had a guy buy her drink and he put it in her drink...she remembers nothing. And THAT'S scary. It can even happen if you just leave your drink for 5 seconds.

You say yourself that you perfer to date guys you meet at school or through friends....so why bother? The free drinks and meals are NOT worth your life or well being.

 

I wouldn't say it makes you look like a slut, just nieve, and they might think they could easily decieve you or play you.

 

That's just weird...if a guy did that to me that would be a major red flag and I'd wonder what had posessed them to act a fool.

 

The guy was probably showing out for his friends, and what would have been REALLY funny is if you would have turned the guy down and told him to buzz off...LOL that way instead of looking like a pimp in front of his friends, he'd just look like an idiot, like he obviously is!

 

Use the beauty that is getting you attention and free stuff by showing them that just bc you have beauty doesn't mean you don't have brains. Some guys NEED to be humbled.

[yes]

hey,

 

thanks for your reply =)

 

it's true - i should watch it a bit more & be less trustful. will do!

 

i'm young, and the tons-of-attention-from-men thing is sort of new... that's why i sometime dunna how to act when i'm put on the spot by someone ... it's all good though - i'll be more cautious from now on

 

thanks,

-yes

[BeReal]

I don't think it's wrong to accept offers from strange men to pay for something inexpensive. But consider the safety advice everyone has given and don't take advantage of people. If you know they are only asking because they are interested, and you know you're not, then I'd decline. After all, you can still get to know people while refusing their offers.