I just found out

[ellie1977]

I just found out that my boyfriend of five years cheated on me. I don't think I know the whole story but I think it only happened once and when I confronted him (yesterday) and told him my bags were packed, I saw him sob like he's never sobbed before. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do and I need help. I've never cheated, and as far as I know, I've never been cheated on. I've never dealt with this before. We were planning on getting engaged within the year and marrying when I'm done with school next year. I love him. I'm really hurt. I'm more mad today now that I've had a night to sleep on it. Mostly, I go from fuming to tears and back again.

Any words of wisdom?

[goodfriendeva]

did you guys talk about it at least? does he know your leaving him because of his actions??

 

sorry hun your going through this. i never been in this situation either.. but with each day it will get easier..

[ellie1977]

We talked about it extensively yesterday. I haven't made the decision to leave him yet. I love him so much and I can't believe he would do this. I guess I just don't know how to go about salvaging things if I decide to stay with him.

[whichwayisup]

IF you are going to give him a chance to make things right again, and gain your love, faith and trust in him, you both need some counselling. And, he also has to be in complete NO CONTACT with other woman. That's a given. Hopefully whatever it is that happened between them is over, but if it isn't - He has to get her out of his life for good otherwise there's no point of trying to work things between the two of you.

[westernxer]

The anger and sadness won't go away overnight.

 

Give yourself some time and space to steam and decompress.

 

As whichway said, you may also need joint counselling if you plan to stick it out with this guy. It'll help you move forward in this relationshiop.

[ellie1977]

luckily, he was the one who recommended counseling when I asked him: "in all honesty, where do we go from here? how and I'm going to learn to trust you again?"

[Sal Paradise]

Personally I would leave if it was me. If he can't stay faithful before you're married how can you trust him to stay faithful 5, 10 or 15 years from now. That piece of paper isn't going to magically turn him faithful.

 

That said its your life, your pain and your decision. You're the one who will have to live with the consequences (good or bad) for the decision you make. I would suggest taking a few days, perhaps a week to think it over. He commited an extremely selfish act and took your love for granted, the least he can do is give you the time you need to figure out what you want and whats in your best interest.

 

Think with your heart but don't ignore your mind either, try to look at it as logically as possible (which isn't easy under the circumstances).

[Madeamistake]

Wow!

 

Take time to breathe, if you dont, you will only be setting yourselves up for some drama. Idk. Couples counselling will help. Try individual counselling as well. It will help you to deal with the emotions. Ask him why he did not tell you himself cause I can understand the hurt you went through when you were told by somebody else. This is a turning point for the both of you, you can either leave or stay. It's a tough decision Im sure.

 

Good luck and follow your heart.

[Trialbyfire]

The anger and sadness won't go away overnight.

 

Give yourself some time and space to steam and decompress.

Exactly this.

 

It will be a roller coaster ride so hang on tight. I may sound flip but there's nothing flip about the experience of losing trust and respect, then trying to heal. One step forward, three steps back, until all issues have been laid on the table and the insignificant sifted out until you're left with the core issues to address. I genuinely sympathize with you and wish you much luck.

[ellie1977]

thank you all for the thoughtful replies.

I'm still flamin' pissed.

rollercoaster ride? that's for sure.

[guin_girl]

I'm so sorry to read about your problem. Unfortunately, I know only too well about a cheating boyfriend, more than once with more than one boyfriend. I have tried taking the break with NC and after time giving one another chance. It was ok for a couple of years, but then I saw the signs that he might cheat again and I knew I had to let him go. He didn't cheat the second time, but knowing that I deep down honestly didn't forgive him like I thought, wasn't fair to me or him.

 

Some people are able to learn from their partners indiscretion, because it was a problem in the relationship that led them to cheat, not an affair in the true sense. So I think you need to know why he cheated, was it an attraction to a specific person (as was with my above example) or was it a one night "mistake". And you need to know if you have the capacity to forgive, not necessarily forget, but forgive and leave it in the past.

[pennyjosix]

The decision is ultimately up to you, but sometimes people genuinely make mistakes. People take other people forgranted all the time. We can't act like we cherish our bf/gf's all day every day. You know the saying you don't know what you've got til it's gone? I know people that have cheated on their bf/gf and didn't know what they had until they had experienced something else. That doesn't make it right. What your SO did was completely and unjustifiably WRONG, but some people deserve second chances.