jealousy and insecurity

[Guest]

hello, i just goined this site today. i have had problems of jealousy and insecurity for the past 2 years of my relationship with my boyfriend and we were broken up for about six months and just got back together 2months ago. He lied to me the past two months about if he had been with any girls while we were broke up. He always said no but he just recently told me the truth.

 

i keep having bad thoughts and i dont know how to stop them. Sometimes it scare sme because i think crazy thoughts about my boyfriend. I just feel betrayed. he knows Im not very trusting and he took advantage of me. He told me to my face that he hadn't done anything. His excuse is that he thought we were over and that I didn't want him. he says the whole time he wanted to be back with me. But how can I believe that when I know that he has lied to me this whole time.

 

how am I supposed to believe him ever again. We are getting engaged in 2weeks and this has to stop. i hurt him, I hurt me and I hurt our relationship. He is my best friend so I have tried to ask him to help me but he doesn't understand. he is so confident in his self that he doesn't even understand how I can be insecure. he continues to tell me how much he loves me and doesn't want anyone else but for some reason i never believe him. I just can't get the other girls out of my head even though he and I were broke up. i need some advice on how to get past this and how to deal with my insecurites, jealousy and trust issues. Someone please help I don't know what else to do!!!!

[Carbine]

That sucks, I know totally where you're coming from. I was with a guy who is very trustworthy, however my extreme jealousy has forced us apart and we're on a break at the moment, with the possibility of getting back together in the future. Although he's never 'cheated' on me (according to him) he got a lapdance at a strip club once that I only recently found out about. Another time we had a massive fight, broke up for the night and he went to a party and danced with some girl and went back to her place afterwards (apparently nothing happened, they just hung out). We got back together the next day. Although these things may seem pretty minor (in relation to what your guy got up to) they totally shook my confidence and I just can't forget what he did. I think that once something like that has happened, you can't ever simply forget it.

 

What did you guys break up over? If it was related to your jealousy and insecurity then do you really blame him for going out and sleeping around? It was probably like a breath of fresh air compared to being with you. Moreover, do you blame him for not telling you, if he knew how you'd react? Actually, I'm surprised he told you at all. It would have been easier for him to keep his mouth shut and act like it never happened, rather than spilling his secret and sowing the seeds of doubt further in your mind. This makes me think that you owe him some credit at least. If he is fully aware of your jealousy issues and knows the trouble they cause then why the heck would he want to add to the confusion by making you more paranoid without a very good reason? Guys don't want to have to deal with that s***. I kind of suspect that he is genuine about wanting to be in a committed relationship with you, feels somewhat guilty about what he did, and wants to give you the opportunity to deal with his actions so that you can both move on.

 

Also, what real justification do you have for not trusting him down the track? Has he cheated on you previously while in a relationship with you?? If he has, then you have every right to worry. If he hasn't, then you're probably going to have to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. What's the alternative? Fretting over something that may or may not happen in the future and working yourself into a paranoid frenzy? Just be very damn clear with him from now on what he can and can't do, and let him know that if he oversteps the mark then he's gonna get the bollocking of his life. If he's genuine about thinking that he thought your relationship was over and that you didn't want him, then hopefully he won't think twice about doing anything dodgy in the future. If that's not the case, and he's trying to pull thhe wool over your eyes, well then he's a tool and i'd be perfectly happy to help you plan that bollocking

 

Listen, I know it seems hard to accept, but it's really not worth trying to make him feel overly guilty about what he did, and/or making you both dwell on it. Technically speaking, at the end of the day he had every right to do what he did because it was clear that you were broken up. Trying to make him feel otherwise will be pointless. He'll justify his behaviour with the fact that you two weren't together, and he'll win the argument every time because it's a perfectly logical, easy reason to give. Quite frankly, you don't have a leg to stand on. I'm not saying that you should try and convince yourself that you're not mad. I mean, hell, i'd be livid and hurt and sad and would probably never forgive him. Just dont expect him ever to be able to understand what you're feeling and why you feel that way

 

As for solving jealousy/insecurity problems - can't help ya there, sorry. I don't give a rat's arse if i come across as jealous or insecure.

[Guest]

Thanks for the advice. To answere your question no he has never cheated on me. We didnt break up for my insecurtiy the last time but im afraid that if i dont try to fix it it could eventually lead to that. My biiggest issue is that when we broke up we were both still in love so I couldnt move on but it hurt that he did. He said that he was always wishing and hoping that we would get back together but he never said anything.

 

The thing that bothers me is the girl he was with is a model and she was doing stuff for him that i did. for example she was cooking his favorite breakfast. cooking is a big thing for me im 24 and he is the only guy i ever cooked for because my mom taugh me that you only cook for the man you going to marry. Im fixing to go see him in cali and he wants me to cook for hm but i just cant get past thinking of that girl in his kitchen.

 

He says that she didnt cook for him or he doesn't remember but I don't believe him because i found a comment that he left on her myspace page about her cooking for him. this is so hard I just want to move on i mean damn we will be engaged in two weeks, i have to get over this.

[pennyjosix]

i recently posted a thread about needing help getting over the past that haunts me. i have been reading threads all night and realize there is no quick fix. no one on here is a therapist. it's a mental battle for us all, and some of us are stronger fighters than others. Be a strong fighter. Win the battle.