lasan Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 I am very curious why people think the OW shouldn't tell the wife. I already know I am biased as a BS. I haven't seen one good reason not to tell the wife, because for me Knowing what I have been exposed to trumps all other reasons not to tell. I have read people saying that the husband should be the one to tell. What if he never plans to tell? Does that mean the wife is out of luck until she finds out the hard way? (phone bill, credit card statements, std's, divorce papers, whatever?) I personally think it is horrible to know info that could pertain to someones health and well being and keep it from them. I will grant that I didn't feel as strongly about this before I became a BS, or watch my sister deal with an STD she got from a cheating husband. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 Usually when OW wants to tell the wife it's out of spite and revenge to make the MM suffer. Very rarely would you actually see a OW confess to the wife because she feels bad about helping MM cheat on his wife and family. Link to post Share on other sites
goodfriendeva Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 ok sorry im new to the board what does BD and ow mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 16, 2006 Author Share Posted December 16, 2006 ok sorry im new to the board what does BD and ow mean? BD I am not so sure unless you m ean BS which is burned spouse.....Ow means Other Woman. Whichway- even if the Ow/Om is pissed off when she is telling, does that mean the info is any less valid? Does the BS not deserve to hear the truth just because it is coming in an ugly package? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 I don't think that the OW should tell because I don't see any good coming out of it...and I agree with WWIU that most OW who do tell, do it for revenge or out of spite... There are many signs for married women to know when their H is cheating on them...I was a BW and I saw the signs (at first thought it was an OW when it was an OM)...when I was able to leave, I did...And several of my friends later told me that they had thought he was gay and I wondered,"Well why didn't you tell me?" But people don't want to be the bearer of bad news (kill the messenger)...sometimes you must seek the truth for yourself, then YOU know it is the truth... And why tell when you will just be demonized and blamed?! Then WH can say,"Look she's crazy,"...Better to end it because it's time and move on with your life...IMO... Link to post Share on other sites
goodfriendeva Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 BD I am not so sure unless you m ean BS which is burned spouse.....Ow means Other Woman. Whichway- even if the Ow/Om is pissed off when she is telling, does that mean the info is any less valid? Does the BS not deserve to hear the truth just because it is coming in an ugly package? oh ok thanks!i have a tons of new abbrevations to learn here! i think if shes has the balls to actually go and saying something to the wife then she should.. it should be up to the husband. But if he is just a coward and doesnt want to say nothing then def the OW should says something.. the wife has every right to know exactly what has/had been going on! kwim.. then its up to her if she wants to do about the new found info Link to post Share on other sites
oyster Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 or watch my sister deal with an STD she got from a cheating husband. I was going to say "What you don't know, can't hurt you" but this is bad and giving me new perspective Link to post Share on other sites
addicted2love Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 As far as OW telling the W....for them it would be shooting themselves in the foot. As far as friends telling the W....here's what I know from experience.... My H and I owned a bar business once...we were partners with my best friend and her H....a year into business together my friend calls me and say's "I hate to be the one to tell you this but your H is sleeping with one of our waitresses". My H had strayed once before and this was my best friend so why wouldn't I believe her. Now my friend had no PROOF...had not seen ANYTHING with her own eyes....but believed the rumor mill and thought she should warn me. I flipped out and tried to catch him...found nothing...had no gut instinct like before...I myself had no proof...and I went to great lengths to try and get some. the result.....my friend and I no longer speak.....it almost tore my marriage apart....we lost a valuable employee who had generated a lot of income for the business and I will NEVER know for sure if there was any truth to the rumor. months later rumors started about my friends H....sleeping w/ employee...instead of running to her with what I heard...I kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. Had I actually seen anything I wouldn't have said much more than...hey friend you need to pay a surprize visit to the bar more often...wink wink...nudge nudge.... There is NEVER a happy ending for the messenger...it doesn't matter who they are. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 I was going to say "What you don't know, can't hurt you" but this is bad and giving me new perspective STD's...well, if the OW doesn't have one, H isn't going to get it...unless he's having multiple A's with someone who happens to be infected...but in the end, that's on the H; he's the one not having protected sex and putting W at risk... Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 I agree with everyone who says the OW should not tell. I was tempted, but out of spite only. I had no real good-hearted motive there. Besides, one of the ways I got rid of him for good was threatening to tell his W if he ever contacted me again. Knowing full well that I wouldn't. He doesn't know that though, so how do I know he didn't go home and go look, there's this woman at work, I befriended her while she was going through her divorce and now she's in love with me. I told her I wasn't interested, but that just pissed her off and she went crazy and said she was going to call you and tell you all kinds of lies about us. I hope he does get caught, I really do. I wasn't his first and I know I won't be his last. Hell, who knows if I was even his ONLY. I'm out of the drama now and I'd like to stay out of it. I have my own life to live. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2006 Share Posted December 16, 2006 i think if shes has the balls to actually go and saying something to the wife then she should.. Then if that is the case, then the OW should be willing to take the heat while the wife asks her all sorts of questions, and also take full responsibility for her part in the affair. She has to be willing to do that, like it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 I got the tell all letter, it was eleven pages long. It was like killing two birds with a stone. She sent it to me in an effort to try to keep us apart and she also sent it to get revenge, to hurt him through me. So what is the point of telling? All I'm sayin is, stay the f*uck out of my business. Keep out of my marriage. You dont know sh*it about me, you just think you do. I thought about writing her back, give her this tell all letter about her MM. He brought a lot of problems into the marriage. He was abusive. He was cruel. He sh*it on this family, and he will sh*it on you too. He doesnt just talk bad about me, he talks bad about everybody. He's insecure and contolling and he has no self esteem. Putting people down makes him feel like he's better than everybody else because he's a fu*cking geek. But instead, I let her learn the hard way. She wouldn't have believed me anyway. She'd think I was lying because she put him so high on a pedistal she was blind to it. A man who cheats and talks badly about his wife is probably not a good person to begin with. Theres good reasons to divorce somebody, but theres not one reason good enough to cheat. I was in the same marriage as he was and I didnt cheat. He could call me a bad wife all he wanted, but he could never call me a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Usually when OW wants to tell the wife it's out of spite and revenge to make the MM suffer. Very rarely would you actually see a OW confess to the wife because she feels bad about helping MM cheat on his wife and family. I very much agree with what whichway said here. At first Since my H knows he was going to tell her out of spite. Then we decided that was not a good idea! I was so mad at MM that I said "I think you better tell your wife", before she find's out on her own. It worked! In my situation with him living so VERY close I think he realized that it would all come out sooner or later and it was better coming from him! The only thing I wonder now is, is it better? Cause I am Darn sure he made me out to be the bad girl and himself the victim and now I have to see these people in passing and it really bother's me. Perhaps we should all sit down and talk it out? AP:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Maybe the OW should tell someone that knws the W. My friend found out that way. Sucked too. We thought we were going to lose her for a minute. But at least the messenger didn't get shot. either way, this OW was out for blood and only hurt the W a whole lot. I don't know who should tell the W. Nobody told me because no one but those two knew. It wasn't going on long enough for others to see. She did tell her sister and best friend, but the friend lived and worked in another city and the sister was still in high school - so none of them would have been in any position to tell me. slight T/J It amazes me, though, the number of people (OW/MM/OM/BS) that don't consider the reality of STDs. You could be carrying one and not even know it. Gonorrhea is silent in women, you find out once it morphs into something else. A Yeast infection is not an STD, but it can cause problems too if passed from person to person. And, get this, using a condom does not protect against everything out there. Venereal warts bypasses condoms preferring plain ole bodily contact. It must be something about the social perception that has people screaming foul when the STD conversation comes up. Some of the nicest people I know have HIV or Herpes. Herpes, another one "protection" is not 100% able to block. I think everyone that knows or suspects their partner to have more than one sexual partner should get tested. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 NID: As a single person who is sexually active, I get tested at my annual exam...since I left my XH, I always do it...I guess I have always been a little paranoid, but I think better safe than sorry... I always have to ask for the tests...It's actually funny because when I request it, they ask me if I think I have been exposed...I'm like no, but I just want to be sure...Apparently, it isn't common practice to get tested annually... And I'm just with him, so I don't see it as such a risk...especially since it's been almost two years...And condoms are better than no protection at all... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 GeL (my capital e decide to stop working LOL) I agree with you (to a degree). I got tested with each of my pregnancies and do it at my big 3-year one as well. Its not that I don't trust my H, I just want to be certain for me. Some of these illnesses can cause dementia if not treated promptly, and I am crazy enough without adding that to the mix. LOL!! I think a lot of people are just afraid to ask for the tests. The doctors and the nurses have seen it all. Most of my neighbors are in the medical field (the women anyway), so they have seen it all. Yeah, condoms are better than nothing, but the risk is too great to me. JMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Bottom line, it's not a safe, monogamous relationship because MM is sleeping with two women. A BW and an OW. There is always a risk involved. Always. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 17, 2006 Author Share Posted December 17, 2006 I agree that some people seem to downplay the reality of STD's. My sister got chlamydia. Easily treated. My ex gave his new wife and anyone he has been with(luckily either he got this after he stopped having sex with me, or I never got it from him) a non-curable STD. Beenthere- I hope you don't take this the wrong way...but when you said you want to stay out of their drama and you have your own life to live....You interjected yourself right into the middle of the BS's life, without her knowing about it. Don't you think she deserves to know that? Luckily for her, you don't have anything...Luckily for you, He doesn't sleep around and give both of you something. (Honestly I can't remember if you had a sexual relationship with him or not......so I suppose what I just said above can apply to anyone and not neccessarily what you went through.)*edited to add that I realize you aren't with him anymore...my tenses are wrong in places lol* Sure, it's easier to not talk about it, dust it under a rug and pretend it never happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 I think in BTDT case, it's over, and xMM will move on to the next OW and so on. She should stay out of the BW's line of fire. Why should she put herself through that now. Forget about it. Shes done with that sh*it like sh*it that's done, knowhatimean : ) Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 I would have to agree that its not the OWs place to say any thing. Her motive would always be suspect. How would the BS know that what the OW is telling her is true and complete. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 17, 2006 Author Share Posted December 17, 2006 I think in BTDT case, it's over, and xMM will move on to the next OW and so on. She should stay out of the BW's line of fire. Why should she put herself through that now. Forget about it. Shes done with that sh*it like sh*it that's done, knowhatimean : ) Yes I understand this. Why should she put herself through it? I don't have a fancy answer for this. I have the answer that comes from my own personal set of morals. His wife deserves to know. Sure Beenthere moves on with her life...MM moves on with his...on to the next OW maybe...and the BS is none the wiser. The only person who didn't do anything wrong is the only one left out of the loop. (Sorry beenthere...I am not intentionally picking on your story honest! I do mean this to apply to everyone not just you.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 17, 2006 Author Share Posted December 17, 2006 I would have to agree that its not the OWs place to say any thing. Her motive would always be suspect. How would the BS know that what the OW is telling her is true and complete. I remember when the first OW came to me. I thought that she *possibly* could have been lying. She knew enough information that I figured she wasn't. I was lucky. Within the exception of one, none of them were nasty or rude. They answered my questions, and I answered theirs. What one choses to do with the information is up to them. They can accept it or reject it. Even if the BS choses to ignore what the ow/om has to say, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be given the information so they can make an informed choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Because life isn't always fair, lasan. You know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lasan Posted December 17, 2006 Author Share Posted December 17, 2006 Because life isn't always fair, lasan. You know that. No I suppose it isn't. But there is no need to contribute to it not always being fair either *shrug*. Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 I hear ya, lasan, I don't think you're picking on me. I don't know. I don't have an easy answer. I just know that it doesn't feel right for me to tell her. I've written down her email address and cell phone #, but I just can't bring myself to do it. If he were to keep bugging me and not respecting my wishes to never contact me again, then I might feel differently. STD's aren't a factor, because we used protection the few times we did it. I do go the the OB/GYN regularly and look after my health. If I ever did have something, my partner would be the first person I would tell. My main issue with all of it was the emotional aspect, him telling me not only that he loved me, but that he loved me deeply. I'm not very good at expressing myself with this. All I can say is that it just doesn't feel right for me to be the one to tell her. I just don't feel like I would be doing her a service by doing so. I can't say if that's right or wrong, it's just how I feel. And I'm sure my own shame plays a part in there somewhere too. Frankly, I'm embarrassed at my own stupidity and am not too keen on coming out and admitting it. So many emotions on this, no good way to get it all out. Link to post Share on other sites
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