My boyfriend has an eating disorder

[YellowLioness]

Hello all,

 

It's been a long time since I've posted anything personal here, but I'm in a situation that makes me feel extremely helpless.

 

For a little back ground information, my boyfriend has been in the hospital several times for acute pancreantitus/ diabetes because he cannot control the way he eats.

 

He knows that processed sugars and great ammounts of fat and cholesterol are bad for him, but he still persists upon eating very badly.

 

The last time he went to the hospital, I made him promise to get therapy for his eating problem if I was to stay with him. It made me feel really crappy, because I really hate using ultimatums. However, he and I are in a very serious relationship, and I don't feel that he's healthy enough to take our relationship to the next level, which is having children.

 

Another rough part about this is that when we go out, and I point out that what he's eating is terribly bad for him, he lashes out at me. I suppose it's easier to make me the bad guy then it is to accept responsibility for the fact that he has a real problem.

 

He still has not gone to therapy, and the lashing out is getting worse. Other then his issues with food, he's actually a very good partner. For the most part, he's very caring, giving, funny, and level headed. He's an extremely intelligent guy, and I have a hard time understanding why someone as smart as he is has trouble understanding that the food he loves so much can kill him.

 

I'm concerned that I won't be able to continously handle being lashed out at for being the "food police." Plus, he's broken his promise about getting help. I'm afraid that this one issue will tear our relationship down around our feet, which would be very sad, as we are very compatable elsewise.

 

I guess my question is:

 

How can I help him?

[amaysngrace]

I don't know if I'd call what he has an 'eating disorder'. It sounds more like someone who makes poor choices. Which is what I refer to as 'disordered eating'.

 

Has he been diagnosed as having one?

[johan]

I would think that the resistance and "lashing out" behavior would become worse if you were not to stand your ground and instead married him and started a family. I think you're very right to treat this seriously, because you could be signing up to become a widow with young children. In that case, the other compatibilities are pretty much irrelevant.

 

I recommend you look at what the right thing is for you and your unborn kids. You have a responsibility to them and to yourself to find a man who takes responsibility for his actions and cares for himself enough to do what he can to make sure he'll be there for you and your kids in the long term. Otherwise you won't be able to rely on him much at all.

[Teacher's Pet]

Perhaps, you can do what people do for those who abuse drugs and/or alcohol.... an intervention with his friends and family?

 

Sometimes a large showing of support from the people who care most for him might be the catalyst he needs.....

 

There is OA, of course... Overeater's Anonymous........

 

-tp

serenity.

[blind_otter]

ASide from having clear boundaries and consequences for his choices, from your side, you can't do anything until he decides for himself that he wants to get well. This is true for alcoholics, drug addicts, or addicts of any kind. I'm sorry to tell you this.

 

But also, you did not stick to your guns when you gave him an ultimatum. THis may be why he's lashing out more. Because he can, and you will still stay with him.

 

I agree that this is not a relationship that is ready for children yet. If someone abuses their own body that much, you can't really expect them to be around for their kids. And losing a parent when you are young is probably one of the more painful life events to go through, at least it has been for me.

[jetsetjessica]

Years ago I went through something similar. I was in elementary school and my grandfather had his first heart attac. By middle school he had had two more and was in the hospital having veins from his chest and a pig put in his heart. They had to clear his arteries and was told a strict list of foods he could not eat and was placed on medication. For some reason he rarely took his medication and would often take pleasure in eating large amounts of the foods that could kill him. I was young I don't remeber what all he couldn't have but butter was the biggest one. I remember at dinner he would pile butter on his food and my grandma would get upset and tell him it was bad for him but he never listened. Unfortunately it ended up taking one more almost fatal heart attack to make him realize the seriousness of his eating. I think your husband needs to grasp what could and is likely to happen if he continues eating this way. I don't think if he understood that it really could happen that he would consciously choose the same eating habits. I am not sure how to convey the seriousness of his choices to him, maybe you will come up with something, you're his wife you hopefully know how to get things across to him, but I sincerely hope it doesn't take a catastrophe like my grandpas to get it through to him. Best wishes.<3

[aeren944]

Hello all,

 

It's been a long time since I've posted anything personal here, but I'm in a situation that makes me feel extremely helpless.

 

For a little back ground information, my boyfriend has been in the hospital several times for acute pancreantitus/ diabetes because he cannot control the way he eats.

 

He knows that processed sugars and great ammounts of fat and cholesterol are bad for him, but he still persists upon eating very badly.

 

The last time he went to the hospital, I made him promise to get therapy for his eating problem if I was to stay with him. It made me feel really crappy, because I really hate using ultimatums. However, he and I are in a very serious relationship, and I don't feel that he's healthy enough to take our relationship to the next level, which is having children.

 

Another rough part about this is that when we go out, and I point out that what he's eating is terribly bad for him, he lashes out at me. I suppose it's easier to make me the bad guy then it is to accept responsibility for the fact that he has a real problem.

 

He still has not gone to therapy, and the lashing out is getting worse. Other then his issues with food, he's actually a very good partner. For the most part, he's very caring, giving, funny, and level headed. He's an extremely intelligent guy, and I have a hard time understanding why someone as smart as he is has trouble understanding that the food he loves so much can kill him.

 

I'm concerned that I won't be able to continously handle being lashed out at for being the "food police." Plus, he's broken his promise about getting help. I'm afraid that this one issue will tear our relationship down around our feet, which would be very sad, as we are very compatable elsewise.

 

I guess my question is:

 

How can I help him?

 

Hello!

 

I'm sorry to hear about this. This hits very, very close to home. I'm a diabetic... intelligent, level-headed, etc. I also went to the hospital a lot for it, a few years ago. All I can offer it my opinion as advice.

 

First of all, I don't know if he's a Type 1 Diabetic or not... is he? A Type 1 diabetic is the kind that needs to take insulin, through injections, oral medication, or whatever. Type 2 is more abundant. These diabetics do not need to take insulin, but they *do* have to monitor their blood sugar and eat as smart as possible. I'm a Type 1 Diabetic, so that means I have to check my blood sugar and take insulin through injection. I'm betting that he's a Type 2, since it sounds like he was diagnosed in adulthood (which is when most Type 2 diabetics are diagnosed). You'll be hearing the advice of a Type 1 diabetic, but I think it applies to a Type 2.

 

First of all, you should understand that this is a huge life change, both physically AND mentally. Being diagnosed with diabetes makes you face your mortality very quickly. You hear stories upon stories to the effect of, "Oh yeah, my cousin's husband was diabetic and he lost a leg..." That wears on the psyche, especially during the first couple of years of being diabetic. You feel like you're living on borrowed time... like if you'd been born 100 years ago, you'd be dead. It forces you to face it head on and deal with it.

 

Secondly, our society is very good about telling diabetics how we *should* live with it. However, that's coming from one of the most overweight societies on the planet. People cannot control their eating, and have a very hard time changing eating habits. You can't expect him to be happy with it, since eating is so basic... so easy. When your heart is torn apart and your life is in ruins, at least you can eat a piece of cake, or some ice cream, or (insert random candy/soda item here). He can't do that. People forget that sometimes. My family still bum rushes any cake or sweets they can, and they'll offer it to me... it sucks because I don't want to say "No", but I have to. It's just another mental roadblock. Just understand that he can't do those simple things like you can.

 

Thirdly, understanding the disease is very important. You said in your post about the fats and cholesterol and sugars... yes, everyone needs to be watching out for these things. His balance is in the carbohydrates. He needs to be aware of how many grams of carbs he's eating during a meal, then whether his bloodsugar is too high or not. Carbohydrates are what you're looking out for. Sugar (like in icing, candy bars, cookies) is incredibly dense carbohydrates and that's why he doesn't need to eat that stuff. Read as much as you can about it. I can tell you first hand that I *still* feel so alone with this, since my family, girlfriend, and my friends don't understand it, and they won't listen about it. If I could just have support on it, I might be a better diabetic. You've gotta understand it intimately, and I think that will help a TON.

 

I don't know when he was diagnosed, but it sounds like it was fairly recently. I was diagnosed at 16, and I'm 26. It took about 5 years for me to get it all in perspective and start coping. It can be a mind****. Nobody's perfect, and he's going to eat junk if he wants to, but he's going to feel crappy later. LOTS of things affect it, as well... stress, emotions, activity, and sex are just a few things I can think of. Stress plays a big role sometimes, at least for me, and can really screw up my bloodsugar.

 

Make sure he checks his bloodsugar!! Don't just ask him what it was this morning... actually watch him test it, if you can. When my girlfriend would ask me what it was, and I hadn't checked it in a while, I'd just make up a number. He's gotta check his bloodsugar, at least in the morning. Like I said, I've been diabetic for 10 years, and I've gotten pretty used to how I feel when my bloodsugar is a certain level, but it doesn't sound like he's there yet.

 

Lastly, you just have to understand that this WILL be a part of your relationship. He'll have low bloodsugars because that's part of being diabetic. But, he shouldn't have them too often. He might pass out. He might need your help to get him some food if he's acting really wacky. It will always kind of be there... but he won't be doing it on purpose. You just gotta know what you're getting into. For instance, I've been really good this past year with it, but on Thanksgiving I was supposed to go over to my sister's in-laws house. I got directions, but couldn't find the first street. I called my sister, my mom, but no one answered their phone. I could feel my bloodsugar start to get low, but every place was closed on Thanksgiving. Driving home, my bloodsugar got too low and I veered too close to one of the highway milepost things and it hit my rearview mirror, which in turn, broke my window. So, I got to pay $100 for a new window.

 

I hope this helps..