You were all right

[stanchain]

A couple of things that I would like to say... SO I hope that DAD, DAR, Gunny, LEGS, and everybody else gets to read this... I know that I mean it.

 

1) I would like to let you all know that your thoughts, words, and encouragement have been invaluable. It is nice to know that we live in a society in which others are willing to offer not only advice, but words of encouragement as well. I only wish you all lived in cali, I would be sure to not only find you and thank you personally but also buy you a beer. HAHA. For the psat month or so, you have been the closest thing to friends a guy could ask for, yeah I work with a lot of people and have a few people i would call friends. But not one has been open to giving the amount or type of advice that you all have. Again thank you for listening to me whaffle back and forth...as you would all call it.

 

2) I hadnt checked all my messages from my old phone but listened to them today. It is from thursday before I turned the phone off so it never showed up.I had to share this with you cause it helped me belive it or not:

"Hey stanchain, um I know you are not going to answer the phone. I was planning on calling you um but I wanted to call you before I went to bed. um it is the only time I can talk and everything. As far as meeting there is no way possible today I was actually supposed ot get some stuff done but because the rain I couldnt and then I had to run a couple of errands and um tomorrow I have to have dinner with my work and everything on friday so... um I dont know your schedule cause you are supposed to have curtis come down... so I am not sure what is going on... yeah to meet up with you if that is going to happen. But i know you are not oging to call me back and um I love you and I wish you the best in life and I hope you are happy and um I hope somebody takes care of you better then me because you are a wonderful man. And i will miss you deerly and you know my number if you ever want to get a hold of me an yeah tell Aaron I said good bye and give him hugs and kisses for me... and uh yeah um take care of you... love you." OK OK what is that about

 

After that I sat and thought about everything that you all have said. And I read the different post, and words of advice. And although I am sure I will have good days or bad days... I have to move on. Every time i have had bad days I went backwords. not forward. I started thinking about trying to make it work and what was I doing wrong. Instead of thinking of ways to better myself. I think that I now am starting to understand. Maybe i am wrong. Here is what i get because what hurt wasnt the fact it was over, it was the fact that i felt she did not care about me at all.

1) She does care about me. Yeah it is over, but there is no way a person can just forget about everything in a month or a week.

2) She has been telling me all of this so that way if she changed her mind she can walk back in the door

3) She has lied to me every chance she got because she knows that if she told me the truth... I would never want anything to do with her.

4) That she is out having fun, and by sitting here pining over her she is getting exactly what she wants. me sitting here waiting for her, why she experience whatever

5) she is young, like she said she needs to get out and see what is out there so that way she can apreciate a good man in her life. Right now she cant because she has not been with a bad guy or been used by guys yet.

6) I have to get out and see what is out there... like gunny once said... I may get out there and find that I there is somebody that makes me forget all about whats her name (hahahahah)

7) My son is the most wonderful kid in the world, pining over her has changed me... it has affected how close i have been with my son and that not only needs to but has to change

8) and that as long as I let her she will keep me on the string because she knows that whenever she has needed anything I have been there.. even after we broke up.....

 

Again thank you very much for everything. That message made me laugh a lot. Cause she didnt even call the man she loves (hahahahaha) for Christmas. but my son was there... even if it was only in the morning...

[Guest]

I can't believe there is a man out there going through what I thought only women go through. I have a husband of about 9 months who cheated on me after the first month of marriage. He left me during the 9 months about 5 or 6 times claiming he needed to get his head right. He is now gone and has been gone for about 2 months now. He says that he does not want a divorce, but he can't live with me right now. He also says he does not know what he wants for himself. I think he is stringing me along until he figures out what he wants to do.

[Mz. Pixie]

uh remember that i will always love you. and um if you are wondering why I didnt do anything today was because i got an exhuast on my car and i had to get it done after i ate dinner so uh yeah um call me if you decide you want to talk.. ok bye."

 

 

What she means by this is that she loves you like a friend, period. Not romantically. She loves you as a friend and obviously not enough to change her plans to run freaking errands, or to have sex with- she'll reserve that for the guy in her life.

 

Trying to give you some tough love here buddy.

 

Come on, Stan, you're a parent. You do not have the luxury of wallowing in despair like this!!!

[stanchain]

Hey Pixy... that is basically what my last post was about... I mean her message made me laugh... I mean you can only use that I love you stuff so much before it becomes unbelievable. Cause I love her and I know what I would have done to see her and spend time with her and such. So for her to say she loves me and then make excuses is funny to me. Like most of you have been saying those are crumbs she throws me to try and keep me around. I am working on my way to recovery. Ya know one day at a time. I have not called or talked to her since friday afternoon... and odnt plan on it. not that she is going to call. but i am am not going to call her. yeah i wanted to yesterday.. .but i didnt (kinda cheated and sent out a blanket text to everybody even her). But to make a long story short, My mind body and soul are tired of hurting. I want to and have to move on. It is not the easiest thing to say or do... but it is what i sbest for me and of course what is best for my son. Do I still care sure... who wouldnt. But I care about me and my son more

[Dad_of_3]

Stan,

 

come on, get a grip of things !

You know in yourself, your actions that you have shwon are getting you nowhere.

Mate, you need to get real with yourself ! Don't let this drag you down.

As I always say, you know who you are and what you are capable of.

Show the world and especially your son what you are capable of.

 

How's the list going?

Getting out and about as yet?

Any new hobbies?

 

Come on mate, the possibilities are endless.

Plus, women notice nothing more than a happy, outgoing and confident man. Or choose to be a miserable bum alone by youself.

Not saying you should be looking for anyone, just saying be happy and find joy in yourself.

I walk through a mall by myself now, I smile, I notice people looking. I drive my car, I have a smile on myself as I am singing along at the top of my lungs. People laugh, some people clap. Its all in good fun.

I'm having a ball mate.

 

Only you can take the blinkers off buddy.

[Rooster_DAR]

What she means by this is that she loves you like a friend, period. Not romantically. She loves you as a friend and obviously not enough to change her plans to run freaking errands, or to have sex with- she'll reserve that for the guy in her life.

 

Trying to give you some tough love here buddy.

 

Come on, Stan, you're a parent. You do not have the luxury of wallowing in despair like this!!!

 

I have deduced that this is exactly what happened with my EX. Stans girl is doing the exact same things my EX was doing, the professing how much they love you but......

 

(This also may because they are romantically involved with someone else, but it still means that you have moved into the friends zone)

 

I won't stand for the just friends thing, it's either all the way or no way, and that's exactly what I told my fiance before I left. Screw all the **ll**** games, I don't have time to deal with immature people.

 

Cheers!

[stanchain]

Just had to tell you something that was a lil funny... I didnt know it but my ex decided to go by our old place and clean up a lil before the lady comes to do the walk through. Well she called me before but i did not answer and she apeared to be a lil bothered by that judging by the message she left today. So she goes by the house. Well i didnt think to turn of fmy comp(i never do) well she gets on my computer and sees all the plans for my trip to vegas, an email I sent to a friend of mine, and of course tries to check my cingular account to see who I have been calling... tell me that is not funny as hell... Hey dar... hope you read the post thanking you and everybody else. I still have a couple of trying times through my day but i do feel a lot better. But tell me how immature is that to go through my computer and such... not to mention there was some pictures of us left at the old place that I hadnt moved yet and she took those along with some pictures of me... women make m elaugh. they dont want you but dont want anybody else to have you either

[stanchain]

Hey dad... just wanted to let you know that is what I am saying...I am done calling her and I am done waiting for her to change her mind and come back.. to make it simple and clear.... I am not blind to what is going on anymore. I went to bed lsat night at 12 am.. that is the earliest I have gone to bed since she left. and tonight i am getting ready for bed right now. Yeha like i said during hte day I have my good times and bad.. but as a whole I am doing a lot better and trying to move on with my life. In fact me and my cousin are making plans for new years eve when originally I wanted to sit and home all by myself. I know i have to move on and now I want to move on.. but I cant do it all in one day. One step at a time, I cant and nobody else can for that matter stay ignorant forever... I was just telling something that happen and trying to thank everybody for their support that they have given me the last month or so. Love is not something that you catch... it is not a common cold... so her using it the way she does has lost a lot of its effect on me. cause she uses it like it means nothing. I love my son.. and I would do anything for him. he is th reason I quit my job after 10 years (military) he is the reason I wake up and go to work everyday.. he is the reason.... for everything. So her saying I love you and then lying and doing hte stuff she is doing shows me exactly how much she loves me and exactly what love means to her

[Dad_of_3]

I hear what you are trying to say buddy.

No Love isnt something you can just turn off. Its nothng something that is fleeting.

Thats why there are so many phrases, poems, songs etc etc about it.

Love does indeed make the world go round. For right or wrong.

It is the one quintessential force in the world that I believe that will always exist.

 

Don't read so much into what she does or doesn't. Take a step back when you find yourself doing that. Feel it, wallow in it but learn from it.

I would be lying to you if I said thoughts of my STBXW didnt enter my mind from day to day. But I come to understand why it happens now. I ride it out ... so to speak.

I could be walking in the mall, something will remind me of her. I'm driving and one of our songs come on. The list is endless but the thing is I know why. Emotionally I have been with this on person who was such a driving force in my life. Shutting it down to a bearable level has been like cutting off my own arm or leg, and I wouldnt have it any other way.

 

I'm glad to hear you have put things into perspective, but as I have found, walking those steps you have laid out for yourself is the ultimate test.

If you don't have the strength to do it for yourself. Do it for your son.

Sounds like you understand how much of an effect your son has on you. Live and breath it as much everyday as you can.

As each and everyday passes, the choices you make will define you.

The choices you make affect only your son and you. Dont forget that, they are your choices, not 'ours' ... 'yours'

 

Its all baby steps buddy. But as soon as you take a couple, I have no doubt you wont be able to stop yourself.

Embrace the future, start the journey and in time it will become the path you chose, no one elses ... just yours.

 

Take care mate

[stanchain]

Well dad... The key to it all for me is my son. What I HAD with her i THOUGHT was special. Now as I look back at it I was a fool. And although it is bad I have decided to go back to my old ways. And although my old ways did hurt some people probably... it protected me and I think that is what is the most important thing. I mean I never led anybody on and always let them know from jump that i was not looking for anything other than fun... so at least I was honest. Maybe it is jst the pain that I still feel talking.. but really I dont see myself trusting or trying to love again.. for a really really long time. There is only one person that I know that can change that... and funny thing is it is not my ex. It is an old friend that I ran into when me and my ex first broke up. I happen to run into her again today. And every time i run into her I get a wonderful feeling throughout my whole body. She has always had that effect on me. But other than her, I dont see myself being able to open up to another woman again. The pain that i felt for the past month just isnt going to allow me to look at women the same again. It is kinda like the first girlfriend I ever had hurting me all over again.. this time only deeper. And when i was hurt the first time... gosh I went on a trip of fun with every woman I could... and that is what i see happening now. You will see... I am going to post my new years resolutions here soon

[Ladyjane14]

It seems to me that you're still looking for fulfillment in other people. Why not try being self-fruitful and fulfill yourself for a change?

 

When you aren't codependant for your happiness, you have more to offer as a potential partner.

[stanchain]

Hey I got really drunk last night for the 2nd time since we broke up and I called her.....I mean.... I didnt let her answer and i blocked my number... but i feel stupid cause i didnt mean to call her... it was just drunk dialing

[stanchain]

Ok.. this whole NC thing... not the easiest thing to do... then come to find out some girl has been calling my job the last two days... then i let the receptionist hear a message my ex left... and well it is my ex that has been calling my job the last two days and asking what time I work and then hanging up without leaving a message... why wont she just let me go on with my life. I mean yeah i messed up and called her last night or whatever (froma blocked number and then hung up). but why has she been calling my job. this is stupid. I mean I know many of you will say she does not care and she is just playing a game. But really if you dont care about somebody and all ... why keep calling his job and such knowing that the receptionist is going to tell me about it. Why does she want to get a reaction out of me instead of just letting me live my life without the woman that I love

[Gunny376]

Ok.. this whole NC thing... not the easiest thing to do... then come to find out some girl has been calling my job the last two days... then i let the receptionist hear a message my ex left... and well it is my ex that has been calling my job the last two days and asking what time I work and then hanging up without leaving a message... why wont she just let me go on with my life. I mean yeah i messed up and called her last night or whatever (froma blocked number and then hung up). but why has she been calling my job. this is stupid. I mean I know many of you will say she does not care and she is just playing a game. But really if you dont care about somebody and all ... why keep calling his job and such knowing that the receptionist is going to tell me about it. Why does she want to get a reaction out of me instead of just letting me live my life without the woman that I love

 

All of this is getting way too sophmoricaly dramatic. You want out of this heartache? This heart break? This headache? You not her, hold the keys to set yourself free! Move on!

 

You're being incrediablly selfish in depriving some other good woman (women) who at this very minute is crying their eyes out wondering where in the Hell you're at, and when you're going to come into their lives and "rock their world!"

 

And, what are you're doing? Spending all your time, effort, energy, money pineing over someone that doesn't want to be with you! If she did, she'd be with you right now. She doens't want you, she doesn't want you to be with anyone else.

 

For many girls and some women, getting a guy to committ mentally and emotionally to them is the female equivalent of "scoring". Once they've "scored" in getting you to committ to them mentally and emotionally, they don't want you and aren't interested in you, and they're ready to move on to their next challenge.

 

Do yourself a favor ~ kick this little girl to the curb and go find yourself a woman!

[stanchain]

All of this is getting way too sophmoricaly dramatic. You want out of this heartache? This heart break? This headache? You not her, hold the keys to set yourself free! Move on!

 

You're being incrediablly selfish in depriving some other good woman (women) who at this very minute is crying their eyes out wondering where in the Hell you're at, and when you're going to come into their lives and "rock their world!"

 

And, what are you're doing? Spending all your time, effort, energy, money pineing over someone that doesn't want to be with you! If she did, she'd be with you right now. She doens't want you, she doesn't want you to be with anyone else.

 

For many girls and some women, getting a guy to committ mentally and emotionally to them is the female equivalent of "scoring". Once they've "scored" in getting you to committ to them mentally and emotionally, they don't want you and aren't interested in you, and they're ready to move on to their next challenge.

 

Do yourself a favor ~ kick this little girl to the curb and go find yourself a woman!

 

 

 

Gunny,

I am understanding and agree completely. What I would like to say is me personally, I am tired of it. I would like to just get on with my life, and I have been trying to. I started going out with my friends again( did mess up with the drunk phone call) meeting women... even catching up with a girl I met not to long back when me and my ex first broke up. So as far as getting back on the horse and enjoying life I am doing my best to do that. Yeah me and my ex HAD a good thing.. But she didnt feel like it was god enough and now she is slowly starting to miss it.. based on the calls to my job recently. But I have not called or returned any of her calls in over a week. Like i said in another post I owe a lot of my strength to you guys on here for all your support. Now I have thought about calling her and telling her to stop calling my job and such. but it really isnt affected work because customers call for me all the time and ask if i work and what not. But i feel that if i do call her that will be doing exactly what she wants me to do, just like i just about finished moving out and need her keys... she knew i would need them but wanted me to have an excuse to call. Well I am just going to get new ones made... not hard at all. And since going out I have met a few really nice women, and even gotten a few numbers along the way. I do not know if I am mentally ready for anything serious... but as far as going out and having fun with my buddies and meeting new people, I am more than ready. My last 2 threads were more that I couldnt believe that she was being this immature and such. But if you go back a thread or 4 you will get the thank you for all your support.

[dropdeadlegs]

Stan,

 

I do understand how hard this time is for you. I don't think that Melissa doesn't care at all. She is hurting too. Breakups hurt even if you initiate them, but it's generally more painful to the one who gets dumped.

 

She is trying to wean herself off of seeing you, talking with you daily. Just keep in mind that she is the one who wanted out, told you she didn't see herself coming back, and it's been almost two months now.

 

Going out with friends is great. Please do not get very involved with a woman if you are not ready to, and frankly I don't think you are. It would be unfair to attempt to give your heart to another when you haven't totally reclaimed your heart from Melissa yet. A woman deserves your whole heart, not just a piece of it.

 

Dating is a good way to regain some self esteem, but keep it low key until you are truly over this girl. I truly see a bright future for you and agree with Gunny that there is someone looking for a man exactly like you! Take your time, though, you are likely to find her when you least expect it. the best love found me when I had given up on finding love at all.

 

Happy New Year, Stan! It's a whole new slate to write on!

[stanchain]

Stan,

 

I do understand how hard this time is for you. I don't think that Melissa doesn't care at all. She is hurting too. Breakups hurt even if you initiate them, but it's generally more painful to the one who gets dumped.

 

She is trying to wean herself off of seeing you, talking with you daily. Just keep in mind that she is the one who wanted out, told you she didn't see herself coming back, and it's been almost two months now.

 

Going out with friends is great. Please do not get very involved with a woman if you are not ready to, and frankly I don't think you are. It would be unfair to attempt to give your heart to another when you haven't totally reclaimed your heart from Melissa yet. A woman deserves your whole heart, not just a piece of it.

 

Dating is a good way to regain some self esteem, but keep it low key until you are truly over this girl. I truly see a bright future for you and agree with Gunny that there is someone looking for a man exactly like you! Take your time, though, you are likely to find her when you least expect it. the best love found me when I had given up on finding love at all.

 

Happy New Year, Stan! It's a whole new slate to write on!

 

 

Very true legs... I am not trying to get involved with anybody right now.. although I may have some of my "needs" taken care of tonight... i mean it is new years eve and it has been a while. I know that i talk a lot about things melissa does on here.. but the reason I do is because it feels better to get it off my chest and then i can move on. like today she called and I did not answer and she left a message.. nothing major just telling me she wanted to be here when the lady did the walk through and asking me to call her when it was time. Of course I did not call her back. got off work and came home... she had come by and dropped off her keys.... finally. and she also left a note... which I thought was priceless and funny.:

 

Take care stanchain, you are a great man and I will always love you and you will always be in my heart and my soul. I am proud of you and I hope that all your New years resolutions come true.

Love always,

Melissa B.

P.S. this was a great home.

*it you ever want to talk you know my number*

*

 

thought it was funny because if i am such a great man... uhhh why did you leave? oh and why would i want to talk? somebody please tell me why do women feel guilty after they leave.. it was her choice to go and yet she wants to keep trying to dig her claws back into me. WOW. anyway I did not call or plan to. I believe I have my first date set up for later on this week... YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. Either way I will never understand women.

[dropdeadlegs]

She feels guilty because she understands that you are in pain. We women are not oblivious of your pain and actually carry much guilt for having caused it. The need to talk is probably to make herself feel better about hurting you so much.

 

Good luck on your date! And Happy New Year!

[stanchain]

Well deep down... I would love to talk to her, to hear her voice, to hear her laugh... to hear her say how she feels... but it does me no good. It only helps her. What helps me is NC... plain out right... no if ands or buts. And if one day we can reconcile so be it. But for right now I need to do what is best for me and that is to just not talk to her. And yeah it is driving her a lil crazy I am sure. She is used to me jumping to call her back and hanging on every word she says. But it is evident based on her calling my job and such that she is having a hard time with not being able to talk to me... as I am having a hard time not responding.. although it gets easier every day. I love her and if it was meant to be then one day god will bring us back together.. but it will be under the right terms. not her playing me for dumb and going back and forth between me and some kid

[dropdeadlegs]

I agree. there is nothing stopping you from reuniting in the future. But until then...who knows?

 

Again, Happy New Year!

[Gunny376]

You're going to have to "man-up" here Stan ~ and you have! But, you've just got to keep on keeping on.

 

What I've suspected has happened here is that you've got a conflict of perspectives. You're putting in all this time in at work, being a good provider, and in the process you've become "boring"

 

All work and "no play" makes Jack a dull boy!

 

Once a woman has laid the "boring" label on you, just go ahead and stick a fork in your azz! You're done!

 

I know, I know! They call it "boring" I called it "survival"! TV doesn't have anything on me! I laugh at those shows!

 

She's immature. She likes the nice place to live, the cars, the nice clothes, etc. But, you're suppose to provide all of that working less than 40 hours a week. One of the reasons that people that make Big MONEY is because they work their azzes off. Doctors and lawyers that make BIG money don't work forty hour weeks!

[stanchain]

Gunny, legs... I again I agree with both of you. i mean in the future who knows.. but what I can tell you is that last night was a blast. And as far as meeting new people go it is different... but i met the most incredble woman last night. We dance fora few hours and talked. It was funny because the whole time I was talking to her(and I was honest) I didnt really think about melissa at all. well the only thing I did think is that if me and this WOMAN start talking melissa would not have a chance to come back. She was that incredible. I mean if I would ever choose my perfect mate.. or my ideal woman... it would have been her. I saw her when we first got to the party, we smiled at each other then finally I asked her to dance. It is very niec to know that I still got it. And I almost forgot to say gunny... you are right she did get to a point where she found me boring. doing the same things all the time and such would get boring.. bt hey it is her loss I mean really. You cant compare being in a relationship with a man, to being in anything with a 17 year old boy who isnt even disiplined enough to finish high school at a regular school.So i hope the both of you had a wonderful new years eve. And i'll talk ot you laters

[dropdeadlegs]

Glad to hear you met someone you like and are interested in. Tread carefully and enjoy 2007.

[stanchain]

Yeah it is nice ot have met somebody but also hard... and here is the reason... part of me wants to do NC and see if she comes back. But I know part of that is opening myself up to dating other women. Now the girl I met has not had the best time with guys, and I do not want to be another one of the guys that acted interested and then left. SO basically I am in a weird situation. I did not think of melissa until today and then i thought wait.. if I start dating this girl what do I do if melissa wants to work on things. I do not want ot be an a-s and hurt this girl like that....but I do enjoy her ocnversation and she even came by my job tonight and saw me... so i mean she is just as interested as I am... so i dont know I decided that basically I am interested, but we just have to take things slowly because I do not want to hurt her or make her feel like I am using her in anyway. She deserves to be treated with respect and not played with emotionally in my mind.

[burning 4 revenge]

Stanchain, I would stay away from girls in their early twenties at this stage in your life. What they need and what you need are two completely different things.