You were all right

[stanchain]

Got to that point. I wrote her a long letter today... told her.. man to bad cant just email it to you.. but told her that i was tired of just being here on the sied. that either she wants this or not basically, and that i felt that she does not want this or to wrk on this because she has gotten attached to him. it doesnt matter its over. she can say all the nice things she wants to and throw me a bone form time to tim (wanted to go out friday night but kick it with him all week long) but i cant deal with that. she wants her cake and eat it too... forget it is not worth the pain. i love her.. it is not about getting her back because she has somebody.. and if she doesnt want to work on it because she found herself a boy... fine. She could have just easily ended it and stopped the games. although she promises me it is not a game and she does love me. it is all bs. if she really cared she would be working it out with me.. not spending all her time with him

[Gunny376]

I understand, I ask myself the same question quite often. I'm not thinking you should totally give up if you guys can work it out through communication. I just know from my experience that women will cling on to something, I'm not sure what, but they are in an internal battle as well. If indeed she is seeing someone and it's gone into an emotional relationship, there is not a lot you can do but take care of yourself. You can will know when it's time for you to give up, and that's when the pain is taking a tremendous toll on you mentally. What I mean by this is:

 

You lose focus of many or all aspects of who you are

Your productivity decreases at work and at home

You seem to be trapped in a dark place and can't be happy

You keep blaming yourself and cannot find peace

You start coming apart and lose your identity

Your mental and emotional health are taking a toll on you

.....it's time to think about you and let her go

 

These are just some of the signs you need to be aware of, and if this is happening, you need to start letting go and find yourself again. The longer you hang on to hope, the worse it's going to get. Take a stand and let her know that it's either all the way or now way, and tell her you want a straight answer and action to back it up. Otherwise, you cannot carry on hoping she will change her mind eventually. I got to that point, and I was in self destruct mode, pitying myself, and I started believing I was a total loser.

 

Don't let this happen to you, take charge or your life. Things will eventually get better. A good start would be to ask her to go to therapy, if she does not agree but instead gives you nochalant answers, then you know what you need to do. It will take a long time to get over this, as your relationship was fairly long. I am still suffering my loss, and my EX was doing the exact same things yours did.

 

Regards,

 

P.S. I am on a long journey to understanding and being happy with myself, this is a goal I have committed myself to and I am going all the way. Even where I don't want to, I am going out and doing things by myself, such as movies, events, clubs, and outdoor activites. Somewhere in relationships sometimes we lose the love for ourselves, I do believe this happend to me.

 

 

Good post there, Rooster, damn good post!

 

I'm currrently reading the book. When you find someone that one that disagrees with you and I, let me know and I'll debate them with you.

 

My point in posting the link was to make you aware, to raise your consciousness, your awarness. A lot of what your dealing with the STBX doesn't comprehend, isn't aware of, concsious of. How can she explain what she doesn't understand herself.

 

A lot of what is going on is primordal ~ hormonal ~ instint clashing with societial, cultural, and religious condintioning. You add the six together and you've got a mess on your hands.

 

A lot of what your dealing with is the difference between the way it is and the way its suppose to be.

 

Let it go Bro. Let it go! Your best chance of getting her back is in letting her go! It might take a month or two, a year or two. But, your best chance is to let things run their couse ~ in the meantime ~ don't be waiting around. Get busy living your life ~ its short!~ Damn short!

[stanchain]

I am letting her go... i will tell you that it is not easy. but i wrote her that letter and told her that i love her but i cant continue playing second fiddle (basically) hopefully in a month or two... or whatever she may come back... who knows... and then the funny things is if she does come back in a month or two... who knows if i'll want her back. and that is the funny thing... that by the time she even thinks of coming back i'll have moved on. aint that the way it always goes?

[Dad_of_3]

I am letting her go... i will tell you that it is not easy. but i wrote her that letter and told her that i love her but i cant continue playing second fiddle (basically) hopefully in a month or two... or whatever she may come back... who knows... and then the funny things is if she does come back in a month or two... who knows if i'll want her back. and that is the funny thing... that by the time she even thinks of coming back i'll have moved on. aint that the way it always goes?

 

Stan, why are you letting go ?

cause of the advie you are getting from here ?

Mate, listen to the advice, but you know what to do about it in yourself..

 

I hear you saying its tough to read up and get stuck into rebuilding yourself. yes it is.

This is not calm water you are sailing, its some of the most turbulent and harrowing weather you will ever come across.

You the captain of the ship who gonna face it, or are you the first mate looking for instruction and direction ?

I knwo for me, which one I prefer to be in that situation.

Trust yourself, listen to the advice on here, read up anything you can get a hold of. Build yourself up, not set yourself up to fall again.

Hopefully in a month or 2 ? yeah I was thinking that way in myself as well.

Ask yourself why are you holding onto this idea for ?

 

As for 'IF' she comes back, dont pay it attention. This is you and your life ahead ! She got off the at the last port cause she got scared of the coming weather ! You are still on course into that weather, but who knows whats past that once that weather clears up ?

No one can say, but are you going back to pick her up or are you going full steam ahead into the unknown ?

Yup she could have come along, but from the sounds of it, she has made her choice, thats something she will have to deal with if she ever chooses to wake up.

By then, life could be nothing but grander for yourself.

Think about yourself, at this stage. Look after yourself, eat healthy and reguarly, sleep normally, make plans for the future. Do something you have always planned to do !

Go for it ! You seem to be still stuck in a moment.

That moment, only you can come out of !

 

this helped me through a rough time when I used to get reallllly down. Try it out for yourself.

What are 50 things you would like to do before you die ?

This list is just for you, no one else. Not her, not family, no one.

Go find somewhere quiet, grab a drink and sit back and write.

Its harder than you think, but it will put things in perspective for you as well. When was the last time, you took care of you properly. Not selfishly, but true self-care.

You need to pay that some due attention, or its going to come back and bite you in the a** and hard !

 

I've got to cross 1 off my list and its already got a replacement !

 

You're stronger than you think ... and the funny thing is .. you know it.

[Dad_of_3]

There is much wisdom in these words!

 

 

BTW ... coming from you gunny ... thanx it means alot mate.

 

* cant believe I missed that post ! LOL

[Gunny376]

I am letting her go... i will tell you that it is not easy. but i wrote her that letter and told her that i love her but i cant continue playing second fiddle (basically) hopefully in a month or two... or whatever she may come back... who knows... and then the funny things is if she does come back in a month or two... who knows if i'll want her back. and that is the funny thing... that by the time she even thinks of coming back i'll have moved on. aint that the way it always goes?

 

Yea Bro, that's the way it goes! Such is life.

 

AS the song goes,............

 

"I'm a man, I've got my pride! Not going to let a woman hurt me inside!"

 

It sucks, its hard, all day hard!

[stanchain]

Ya know dad... what you said made me feel much better... I mean gunny you always have wonderful words of wisdom. But for seem reason dad really hit the spot. I am going to start working on that list... not one thing on there will have getting her back I assure you. ya know dad it is just hard because today.. right now... getting her back is all i can think of. i did not let her go because of what you guys on here have said. I am letting her go because she has made it clear... but unclear that she doesnt want to be here. I say that because half the time she is sweet and nice and tells me all the things that i want to hear. the rest of the time she acts like we never had anything. And not to mention she does not spend what i would think is the time to try and work things out. she spends her free time with a 17 year old busboy. then tells me she wants to see me on the 22nd... which was a week from when she mentioned it. So i told her that if she wanted to make this work then she would be able to make time... not blow me off by throwing me a bone in a week. That is why i am letting her go. cause if she really wanted to try and make this work the ball has been in her court. She just has refused to hit it back to me... her loss.. .because i know damn right well there is nothing that some 17 year old can bring to the table for a "woman" that i cant. now if she is trying to get her youth back then so be it... i think she is being honest and nothing is "really" going on. i think it is just a whole lot of fun to kick it wiht somebody with no commitment. either way... she aint gonna spend her time with him and have me waiting on the sidelines.... p.s. that's real

[Dad_of_3]

I hear ya!

I was once in that mode too.

dont get me wrong, I still love her and yeah she still means the world to me.

just in a different sense now.

My stbxw has made her choice and decision to move on. I dont have any control over that. That I have come to accept. for a long time, I kept revisitng the past, sitting down and thinking what am I going to do to get her back. I sometimes still do, I get in a rut, I break down.

The learning curve for me, was acknowleding what was happening.

Yes you are in love with her, you've become entwined with her. both of you are part and whole of one thing. Its hurtful and painful when you have to rip yourself apart from that. especially when you dont want to.

 

As I see it now, moving on with my life. I'm not looking for a relationship, if one eventuates, brillant, fantastic.

But my new partner will become a component of my life, not my life.

I know that sounds very self-centred but its something I have come to grow with.

You choose your path and future, its an honour for you to allow someone to come along for the ride.

I dont know if you are taking this the right way, but, its the fact that you love someone enough to want them to partake in your journey, its the biggest gift you could give to anyone.

dont lose respect of yourself in that.

 

You 50 things are what are you ! Big, small, it dont matter.

just remember to keep it at you !

Dont take input from other people, just listen to yourself.

I'm still stuck at 32 !!!! hahaha

But I know what my number 1 is.

the one I got to cross off mt list was Skydiving. Loved it, Would do it again.

hell the next jump I would liek to do is the H.A.L.O jump in chicago.

Oooops sidetracked there.

 

learn as much as you can. What gunny, rooster and so many have tried to point out is learnign and reading for yourself. Not for her or any new relationship. grow for yourself, and when the time comes, and it will. You'll be a better person for it. A stronger, capable and confident person.

 

She's dug her grave, stop trying to cover it so she doesnt fall in.

 

chin up and put that captains hat on buddy !

 

Full Steam ahead !

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't know how I have missed all your threads - they're all over the place and all have the same theme.

 

If you are looking for those who have experienced a break up and will sympathize with you, you will find them here.

 

If you are looking for those who will tell you to let her go and get over it, you will find them here.

 

If you are looking for those who will tell you to fight for her, you will find them here.

 

If you are looking for believers in no contact...well, I think you get the idea. There are lots of different forums to find those who will tell you what you want to hear on just about any subject.

 

My point is that you have gotten some absolutely priceless advice on many of your threads, but unless you want to pick a piece and try it out for more than, say, 48 hours, none of it is worth a cent to you. What I am trying to say is that you MUST make a stand, one way or the other, and accept whatever comes from that stand.

 

If you want to continue to talk, then talk. If you want to move on, then do it. If you want to find out what she wants then tell her that you love her and want to work things out, but you will not speak further until she understands that that will mean giving up her new found friend and until she starts making REAL moves in that direction. Then go NO CONTACT. It DOES work, but only if you have no contact. No contact makes the other person miss you (or not) and then you will know what SHE wants, but you have to be willing to accept that she MAY move on.

 

I know it hurts, I know it's confusing, and I know your heart is broken. I also think that you don't have to accept all the blame here. She could have (did she?) tell you that she was having issues with the babysitting, not enough parental visits on your part, and not enough "together" time in her eyes. Those are all valid issues, but you don't leave the relationship to sort out relationship issues, you stay and talk about them and try to solve them. By leaving you, she said that she was willing to accept the possibility that you would not take her back and move on. If she didn't accept that, she shouldn't have left and will learn a valuable lesson from this.

 

Many here have given you tools for self growth and understanding of this situation so that you may avoid going through this again. What have you done with that information? Posting all the time might be helpful for a few days, maybe weeks at best, but then what? Will you still be feeling horrible about your loss in January? Still confused and feeling sorry for yourself? Do somethimng about it NOW and you could be gaining valuable insight into yourself, relationships, even parenting (which is one tough job.) Adjusting your sails when you cannot control the wind is very empowering. Reading the books suggested is taking control. You seem to be in such limbo; one day you want her back, the next you accept it's over, then you repeat those two thoughts, and repeat them again. Nothing is changing from what I have read. She's still confused, still hanging out with a mere boy, and you're still riding one side of the fence then the other.

 

Now for my observations. If you think that just because he (friend) lives with his parents that there can't be any hanky panky, let me assure you there can be. And right under their noses. Ssome parents don't really care all that much, either. I'm not saying she is doing anything other than what she says, but I wouldn't be spending so much time with a fairly new male friend while in emotional turmoil unless he had potential to replace you. If you want to buy your SO a pet or something to symbolize everlasting love, I wouldn't go with something with the lifespan of a fish. Try a parrot. As far as her saying she is not in love with you one day, and still in love you days later, I think she doesn't even know what love is. That sounds more like "like" to me. "Like" can change daily, but love takes a long time to truly extinguish for most. She LIKES you when you pay her car note, she doesn't LIKE you when you want a life partner that shares in responsibilities like child rearing. And speaking of that car note, you say it's her car note, but how could she qualify for a $700 note with a $1400 income? If your name is on that loan even as a cosigner, your credit history could be impacted by giving her "her" bills. Make sure you get those finances separated quickly if you can't/don't work things out with her.

 

The books suggested are a good way to spend your "no contact" time should you decude to go that route. Many would be available at your local library. Re-read some of the posts, the advice really is good and I sure wish I had heard some of it in my past. No contact worked for me in getting someone back, but it never occured to me to do that until I had pretty much lost faith that keeping contact would ever change my situation. I didn't even know I was doing NC, it just kinda happened. It was about 5 weeks of NC on my part and all of a sudden he's ready to have a relationship with me. I spent two months trying to convince him! It was when I stopped talking, texting, and mailing cards and letters that his eyes opened up that I might actually move on! Well we've been together for two years now. But I did read two of the books mentioned to you. (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and The Five Love Languages) after we got back together. (Granted my story was a bit different than yours. We dated for 7 weeks, he abruptly broke it off after running into his ex at a store and wasn't sure he was over her, yet in three months did nothing about that situation, followed by the above.)

 

I do wish you luck in whatever route you choose. I wish you peace and happiness. If this doesn't work out with a reconciliation, may you find someone soon who will make you understand why it didn't work out with those before her. I kinda stole that from somebody's signature (Art Critic's) but it's not an exact quote.

[dropdeadlegs]

You choose your path and future, its an honour for you to allow someone to come along for the ride.

I dont know if you are taking this the right way, but, its the fact that you love someone enough to want them to partake in your journey, its the biggest gift you could give to anyone.

 

Wow my lengthy post took forever to write, but that just says it all for me today. That is what life and love are all about! What a wonderful journey it can be as well; not all about "what can you do for me?" but more "how can we compliment each other?"

 

And I stole (paraphrased) your wind and sails quote. Actually I think you first borrowed it from another!

[Dad_of_3]

Wow my lengthy post took forever to write, but that just says it all for me today. That is what life and love are all about! What a wonderful journey it can be as well; not all about "what can you do for me?" but more "how can we compliment each other?"

 

And I stole (paraphrased) your wind and sails quote. Actually I think you first borrowed it from another!

 

That I did ! frm another person who pointed it out to me from my time on here. Thanks FlyingHigh

 

i take no credit for it whatsoever ! No law suit here .. moving along

[stanchain]

Hey dropdead, That is the first post that i saw from you and you have a wealth of knowledge that is very helping just as the rest of the people on here. the car payment is all her. I work at a dealership and was able to make some things happen so that is all on her and her new friend to pay. Now to explain why i am so back in forth... well I love her. I do try to do no contact and then she calls to talk to me... and i dont take the call and then she calls again and after a while i give in and call her back or answer her text. I know that is not what NC means. But it has been hard because after 3 years for her to just walk away... wow it has been hard. As far as taken some of the blame... well she did and didnt. I mean that 5 hour convo she said she could have done this or that different. what has made it harder as well is we do have an apartment together and a couple bills so she we have had to talk a atouch because of that. but as of monday the lease is up and the bills we have together are all done. I am not niave... well maybe a lil... but i do know they could be doing just about anything with his parents home. deep down i figure they are. but oh well that is her chose. we have talked about it and she makes some good arguements as to why they arent... but it really does not matter. Like i told the guys i wrote her a very long letter and told her that her actions speak louder than words and I do not want to play the game anymmore. gosh i wish i oculd post it on here but it is like 6 pages. And that would be a touch to long. but i will put a couple things up here.

-- [FONT=Times New Roman]I guess what I am really trying to say Melissa, is you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I know that you love me and I do believe that one day you may think about trying to work this out. But as long as there is a 3rd party in your life, you will never and I repeat never really give this a second chance. And the funny part about it is I am actually the third party. It is not like you spend most of your time with me and kick it with him from time to time. It is the opposite. I get a phone call from time to time and he gets all the face time. Well sweetie that doesn’t work for me.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]--[FONT=Times New Roman]You may be asking yourself why now? Why after talking to me for 5 hours on the phone and telling me that he loves me and wants to leave a door open is he giving me this. Why after making plans to kick it Friday night is he having me turn the phone off? Cause I don’t deserve table scraps. And I feel that is what I am getting. Remember I said it is kinda like Salina… you call when you are on your way home from work and have a minute or two… you say we should kick it and then you cancel with me and take him to kick it with your family… and then make plans with me for like a week later when you know damn right well that if you REALLY wanted to see me you could easily make that happen. Just like your cousin does you during the school year. And you know how that makes you feel, but you believe in your heart it is right to play with me and my emotions like that? No you don’t actually… I don’t think you even think about me and how I am feeling.[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][FONT=Times New Roman]--

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Basically it boils down to this. You don’t want this anymore. You said it once like 3 weeks ago or something like that. Lately you have been saying something else, and me being a sucker believed you. But I can’t and don’t believe you anymore Melissa. Your actions say otherwise. I know the last few months or whatever were tough and we had lost the ability to talk and communicate. But like I told you the other day why didn’t you sit and talk to me about this before you walked out on me, on us? Now, a month later you have moved on emotionally and I am ready to do the same. It sucks because you don’t want me to. You like knowing that I will be here for you to help you with whatever is going on in your life. That you can call and talk to me if you happen to think about me… when you are not with your new friend. Well Melissa that is not fair. It is not fair to me our the love that WE once shared. I wanted you to just let me go, but I see that you don’t love me enough to even do that. You rather have me sitting on the sidelines just incase you decide that you are tired of Jeremy. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] I know that is a long post as well but see I am trying to stick up for myself and let her know I am ready to move on[/sIZE][/FONT]

[/FONT][/FONT]

[Mz. Pixie]

Can I be frank with you???? Not meaning to hurt your feelings.

 

She keeps stringing you along to pay her car note and the phone etc. Period. That's it. She knows that she has to start ponying up some money when it's over so she's throwing you a bone every once in a while to keep you on the hook.

 

Period. End of conversation.

 

If that's not enough to piss you off and make you leave her alone I don't know what is. It's the truth.

[Gunny376]

Can I be frank with you???? Not meaning to hurt your feelings.

 

She keeps stringing you along to pay her car note and the phone etc. Period. That's it. She knows that she has to start ponying up some money when it's over so she's throwing you a bone every once in a while to keep you on the hook.

 

Period. End of conversation.

 

If that's not enough to piss you off and make you leave her alone I don't know what is. It's the truth.

 

BOOOHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

 

Got to love G.R.I.T.S ~ Girls Raised In The South!

[dropdeadlegs]

Hey stanchain.

 

I know you love her and I would be far more concerned about you if you could shut off that kind of emotion so quickly.

 

I know NC is hard and that different people do it in different ways. What I was trying to say was that what you have been doing is not working. It has more than a month and she is still gone, still hanging out with him, and still laying her emotions on your doorstep. Maybe it is time to try a different approach. From the bits of your letter that you have posted it seems you are now doing just that. I hope the other five pages are more of the same. NC does not have to be mean or insensitive, it just has to be firm. "I am not going to participate in this emotional roller coaster because it is wreaking havoc on me. I have stated my desire to try to work out our problems and when you decide unequivocally that you also want that, THEN you can call me. Until then I think we both need time to think without interference."

 

Note in my signature that you are gonna feel pain in this life, but you can wallow in it for too long if you choose to. That is so detrimental to every aspect of your life and only we have the power to pick ourselves up. Her waffling back and forth is making you crazy and that is why I suggest NC now.

 

Just because I ultimately got the outcome I desired does not mean that she will come back to you, but you will have a clearer head and may even begin to heal. If I had used NC from the beginning I do not believe I would be with the man I so wanted to share my life with. He needed to hear my thoughts and feelings to be sure I was sincere after such a short time together. He needed to know that I was not in it for the chase or to "win" some sort of perceived competition. He also needed to figure out for himself that his "over" relationship didn't work for him and that I was offering him exactly what he felt was lacking.

 

I did not mean to imply that because she is spending so much time with her friend that there is certainly a physical aspect to their relationship. I do think that he wants a physical relationship and that he pressures her to leave you permanently in order to fulfill his agenda. I don't think she can think clearly while spending so much time with him. Many women, and some men, need to know that the opposite sex finds them attractive in order to leave a relationship. They want to be sure they will live to love again. He is feeding her need for attention of this kind, but I doubt they will be together, even as friends, for long. He is sort of a rebound guy. He's kind of like a rental car you use when you wrecked your car and haven't got a new one yet, at best.

 

How is your son dealing with the situation? He must be confused as well, but children are pretty resilient and he will survive as long as he feels loved and secure. Make sure you show him that. Sometimes tending to the needs of others can give us a break from tending to ourselves. Having to put on a happy face when I don't think I can is helpful to me. My kids keep me grounded when I feel I am about to go into orbit. They are my gravity, so to speak. God bless them.

 

I hope today is better than yesterday was and that each successive day is just a bit better than the last.

 

Hugs,

Legs

[stanchain]

Hey legs.... well I am not sure what is going to happen and at this point I will tell you like I told my mom and such...I just want to let go because I am tired of feeling this way. And part of me believes there is nothing going on intimately. I mean we talked in depth about it and she just got back on her pill and she wants to wait until t gets in her system, and she also states that she i snot ready for a relationship, or sex for that matter. she did say he kissed her once but it just did not feel right. I mean when we talked that night a lot of things came out. And although I do not believe everything she said... i.e. she wants to talk to me more because th emore she talks to me the more she misses me, she wants to come home, things of that nature. I do have some belief in some o fthe things she said as far as her emotions are concerned. Call me niave. but it did appear she was being sincere when it came to that. Like i mentioned in the letter to her.. I do think that a lot of her reason to be around this guy.. expecially a 17 year old guy is that it is just plain out right fun. She stated the reason she does not want to be intiment with him is because she does not wnt to lead him on. Becase she is not sure what she is going to do yet and it would not be fair to him if she decided to come back and work things out with me or what. But until she decides she spends time with him and I know that does not help out my situation because it does not give her a clean chance to really think about what and who she wants.

Oh and Pixy... and gunny... I do love this girl... but I am not stupid. The only bills that I am talking about is PG&E and cell phone. and we made a compromise.. I'll pay the cell phone bill of $200 instead of each paying $100... and she'll pay the PG&E of $155. The rest of her bills are all on her. When i said we had to talk about bills that is what i meant. plus WE have this place together so had to talk about the lease and such... Pay her bills.... h--l NO.... I am a sucker for love... not sucker for money. There is no way in this world I would be paying her bills why she spent her time and money kicking it with that guy. In fact she keeps talking about having to get a second job, and said that she realizes I used to do a lot for her. So please give me some credit

[dropdeadlegs]

I do wish you the best and hope it all turns out the way you want it to. There is no good time for a breakup but the holidays is especially sucky. Be strong and try to have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate!

[stanchain]

See this is what makes it hard... I get up and 30 minutes latter and she has called and left me a message. And her message,"hey, stanchain its Melissa I am on my break, just giving you a call to see how you are doing. Sorry that i cut you off so quickly, but my mom had me doing a bunch of stuff and I couldnt talk. Just please give me a call whenever you get a chance. Hopefully you get a chance to talk to al to see what is going on with the mustang. Text me or give me a call when you get a chance. And I hope everything is going well with you... uh ok bye." see stuf like that makes it hard because it seems that she would like to talk... but I have to be strong and not respond.. that is a hard thing to do for me.

[stanchain]

This is a call I get just about everyday... she always calls me on her break from work.. has for the last 3 years. So some of it is out of habit.. I believe in my heart the rest of it has to do with the fact that she still cares. And that is one of the reason that I believe no contact is going to have a huge affect on her. I mean when i tried to do it and we did not talk for 4-5 days she ended up just showing up at my house crying talking about how she loves me and wants this... So although I am not going to hold my breath (have to grow... like everybody has said) but i do believe that there may be a small chance for this to work out in the future. She knows that i love her... but at this time I know that I have to do what is best for me.... ya know

[dropdeadlegs]

In your 6 page letter did you tell her that you cannot have the small chat, at least for awhile, that it eats you up inside?

 

I don't know a lot about NC, but form what I gather it works one of two ways. Either you don't have contact at all, or when you do you just don't talk about how much you love, miss her anymore. What I did was stopped initiating contact, which meant no contact for awhile, but when he started calling again I was very laid back and just had some small talk like "hows it goin? hows work? hows your daughter?" None of the "I am so sure you are the perfect man for me and I want you back so bad that I still cry all the time." That was the difference in my contact with him - I stopped calling HIM and I was on the cool side, but not mean, ugly, or whining, when he eventually started contacting me. I would speak like I would talk to any friend. But it took me awhile of NC to even be able to do that. Within 2 weeks of his initiating contact (around Thanksgiving) he was asking me out and by Christmas he was mine all mine again.

 

BUT, I did say to him prior to NC that I had tried to my best to capture his heart fully and that I had to let go for my own well being, so he did not expect to hear from me. Of course I left the door open if he changed my mind. I did briefly date two other men during our NC time, but my heart just wasn't in it.

 

Anyway, if you want to try NC she needs to understand that is what you are doing, in my opinion. I'm sure others do it differently, but I think it depends on what outcome you want, and the personalities involved as to how one proceeds.

 

You just do what is right for you and don't even worry about us out here. We do not have to live with your decision nor do we fully know your circumstances. We all have experiences and are sharing what has worked for us, but only you can decide what will work for you.

 

Good luck and, again, best wishes.

[stanchain]

Well I told her feel free to call but I will not be calling her.. but when she calls I never answer the phone anyway... or I send her a text asking her what she wanted a few hours later. the thing about it is that Talking to her brings back to much pain for me. because every time we are on the phone we start talking about us and what we could have done to fix it... or she may even bring up something she did with jeremy because i told her just to be honest with me so she tells me everything... it is weird cause i just dont get it. I mean part of me wants tobelieve her and talk to her more like she wants me to... but the other part of me thinks that no contact is the best way to go... and that is why I decided to do it because talking to her wasnt helping the situation for me.. maybe i tmade her feel better but it only made me feel worse

[stanchain]

Hey... just wanted to tell yall... I made it my first full day of NC... it was not easy, and I almost send her a reply to her call and message.... but i didnt... and of course then she called me again from a blocked number... but i stayed strong...yessssss. hopefully tomorrow is easier

[Mz. Pixie]

Hey... just wanted to tell yall... I made it my first full day of NC... it was not easy, and I almost send her a reply to her call and message.... but i didnt... and of course then she called me again from a blocked number... but i stayed strong...yessssss. hopefully tomorrow is easier

 

Good for you!!! DO NOT TALK TO HER. Remember what I said.

[Gunny376]

Like Lady Jane said:

 

"The mind rules over the heart!"

 

Hang tough there Pal, like a cat hanging from a tree limb!

[stanchain]

Ok ok ok... yeah i know call me crazy... but have any of us ever thought that maybe our significant others mean what they are saying? No, I know it sounds crazy.. but have we ever thought about that? I have been working on doing the whole NC thing. But today her dad had a court date so we ended up talking because she called and let me know everything turned out ok... and then later she came by mom job to take care of something. Now she actually had something to take care of. But after we sat and talked for about 20 minutes or so.. and we would have talked longer.. but I told her it was time for her to go because her cousin was in the car. While she was there she said that she does see herself coming back and does not want me to give up on us and things of that nature. She said she is just scared that things are going to go back to the way they were so she wants to take it slow. She does not want to rush things. She is afraid that before we are able to work things out I am going to find somebody else. I mean dont get me wrong she said right now she kind wants her cake and eat it too... because she does not want to jump right back into it... but she does not want me to go anywhere because she does want to come back. So i am not sure. dont get me wrong I am still turning my phone off tomorrow, and I am going to give her the terms for her to come back... I.E. not kicking it with her "friend" all the time. But part of me would like to believe that some of what she is saying is the truth