How do you deal with the disillusionment

[Guest]

I had a nasty shock last night which is leaving me kind of at a loss as to what to do from here. Trying to make a long story short, here, but my live-in long-term SO (6 years living together, 12 years together) had a computer glitch yesterday and lost some files. Since I'm a now "retired" (meaning quit the business) tech (had my own computer biz), he asked for my help in finding the files.

 

So he went to bed early so I could start working on it. And of course I discovered some old internet temp files that make it clear that at least in Sept. he was visiting several of the adult "dating" sites (i.e., you all know the kind, that aren't at all about dating, but only about sex).

His temp files, cookies and temp internet history have been cleared out regularly since then, and his browser is set to no history...which is somewhat alarming to me since I know he doesn't know squat about computers and I never showed him how to do any of that...so I know that he somehow learned from someone else how to theoretically cover his tracks online (so he would not have thought I'd find anything like this).

Fortunately, I've kept it together enough so far to not say anything or let on. But I did install a keylogger/tracker program. (I guess he underestimated my tech abilities).

 

What makes this extremely upsetting to me is actually two things: 1) we've not had sex in quite some time, and even since the last time it had pared down to an infrequent happening. That was NOT my choice, and in fact I kind of just finally squelched my own (rather heavy) sex drive to adjust to his supposed lack of interest in sex (his words, not mine...he would say 'I just don't see the point.'). (we're an odd couple, with the woman who wanted sex all the time and the man who 'had a headache').

 

The second, and more upsetting thing, is that I've long believed he was totally not the kind to do anything like that, and it took me a LONG time to get to that point due to a history of cheaters in my past. I mean it literally took me the first 5 or 6 years of dating him to actually get to the point where I truly believed that some men can, in fact, be trusted, and that here I finally had one.

 

Now...as there is always two sides to every story, I have made my share of stupid mistakes in this relationship, and Sept. was a time period where we were just dealing with one of those stupid things (not involving sex - I've never cheated on him which is why I had to squelch my own sex drive).

 

So, it is POSSIBLE that this might have been a one time event due to that difficulty between us, which is why I installed the keylogger and tracker.

 

But, even if it were, it still is so NOT the man I thought I knew. And I'm wondering, how do those of you (if there are any here) that have stayed with a cheater, deal with the change of how you perceive him (or her). The disillusionment is so huge. I honestly thought we had a really, really good relationship. yes, we have had our share of problems, and a lot of them have been this year, which has been enormously stressful for both of us (we moved, altering both our lifestyles drastically), have been living in a tiny 600 sq.ft. m-i-l quarters while our house is remodeled, and have been dealing with many nasty financial surprises that came with the move. Despite that, I thought I knew him well enough that I chalked up our non-sex to all that strain rather than anything else.

 

And I also really thought we had such a good relationship that I was about to make some big changes in what I had been planning to do with my life in the next few years to compromise with him. We just recently had a long talk about him disliking me going to school 3 days a week and being away from him all that time. I was feeling badly for him about that, and feeling like maybe I *should* put off school for a couple of semesters until we got more settled here. But now...now I feel like the hell with that, I'm going to keep going and get it done with for sure now to protect my own interests.

 

I know I have to make all the decisions of weighing if I want to confront him or not (whether I find more info or not, etc.) and if I would want to stay. I have a really great lifestyle thanks to living with him, and that includes some animals that I value tremendously (they are hugely important to me) that I likely could not have without him. Being able to attend college, even if only part time, is something I had not been able to do without his supporting me.

Heck, I couldn't even *drive to* school without him as I don't even own my own car any more, but drive one of his. But this is so hugely disappointing and difficult.

 

I'm glad to have found this place where there are others who have been there. I've been reading some and see some really well-thought-out replies to others.

 

Well, I guess I have another question aside from just the disillusionment one. We are not married, but have lived for a year where we are now, which is one of the few remaining common law states and have met the requirements for common law marriage, with the possible exception of I don't know how long we would have had to live together in the state?

 

We lived together in a non-common-law state for 5 years prior to moving here, though there we didn't tell people we were married like we have here. I think I've learned an ugly lesson here -- because if we were married I don't think I'd hesitate to leave him, knowing that I'd be ok financially. If this goes to hell and if I were to ever even think about letting a man into my life again, I will sure as hell insist on legal protection for myself.

 

Whew...I feel like so many people I already read here, and I totally understand the need to just dump it all out, and how helpful just THAT is! Wow.