What are the essential elements for successful marriage?

[Helen]

The examples can be found everywhere...

 

Passion can vanish

 

Love can be changeable

 

...

 

But, what is the most important thing for a happy marriage indeed?

 

I hope for a discussion on this topic, any remarks is welcomed.

[Kekepania]

There are A LOT of elements to a successful marriage. One of them I really find that is VERY important is: C O M M U N I C A T I O N!

 

Love, honesty, understanding... etc are other elements.

 

-Keke

[Ryan]

I'm going to echo a little of what was said previously. I think honest communication and relation is definitely the foundation of any successful relationship, marriage or otherwise. However, there is something about marriage that separates it from other relationships. Both people need to be at the point in their lives where marriage is RIGHT. This is why such a high percentage of marriages fail among young (16-21) people. You just aren't ready. Love, whether it be real or perceived, is not enough. In fact love alone is a poor reason for marriage. You simply MUST have a good deal of self-awareness before you can integrate your life with that of another. Marriage doesn't solve problems or create stability. It is meant to be worked towards so that it isn't painful to work on.

[zewwers]

Yes I was lucky enough to have all those neat things like communication, trust we liked the same things in life, I can only count 5 arguements in 8 years,we had a very nice house, nice cars, we still get along but we days from a divorce, i'm still looking for what makes a successful marriage.

There are A LOT of elements to a successful marriage. One of them I really find that is VERY important is: C O M M U N I C A T I O N! Love, honesty, understanding... etc are other elements. -Keke

[LoveAngel]

Yes I was lucky enough to have all those neat things like communication, trust we liked the same things in life, I can only count 5 arguements in 8 years,we had a very nice house, nice cars, we still get along but we days from a divorce, i'm still looking for what makes a successful marriage.

Perhaps you misunderstood me or I didn't make myself clear. Communication, trust, and friendship are essential key elements to any successful relationship. A relationship rooted in a strong foundation of those three should be able to withstand any hardship it may face. Now, your statements, both in this posting and the one you made in response to Valkyrie's below worry me a bit. You state that you communicated to and trusted your wife. You *only* had 5 arguments in 8 years of marriage. You had a beautiful house and great cars. To me, that doesn't seem like an ideal relationship at all. You don't tell us the reasons for your divorce, nor what led up to it. What does communication and trust mean to you? All three of those qualities that I mentioned before are "two-way," meaning that they must exist between both partners in a relationship. By communication, I mean that both persons are able to freely express themselves to their partners and that their partners are able to listen to their needs. There's a difference between talking to someone and talking at someone. Only 5 arguments in 8 years? What does that mean? That you've only disagreed 5 times in 8 years of marriage or that 5 times you've exploded at each other. Those explosive types of arguments are signs that effective communication isn't taking place. Assuming that's what you're defining as an "argument," it's quite apparent that you and your spouse were not able to freely express feelings and emotions. Those explosions result from a release of pent-up anger and emotion that isn't being expressed in a healthy fashion.

 

The other points you make about trust, liking the same things, and having a nice house and cars seem irrelevant. I gather from your other post that you've been previously divorced and so has your spouse. Repetitive failure in relationships usually signifies that either you're making poor choices in who you choose to pursue relationships with, or that you have a few weaknesses that need to be dealt with before you can have a successful relationship. These matters can be caused by many different factors from the environment in which you were raised to the feelings you have for yourself and others. They either can be dealt with by yourself over time, or with a therapist who can help you sort through your thoughts and past to find out not only what caused you to do certain things in relationships but how to successfully cope and deal with those unwanted qualities. I must remind you that I'm only making assumptions based on the nature of your posting. You haven't told us any of this. But I do know that having similar tastes and having a nice house or cars does not compensate for a lack of communication. Frankly it's irrelevant. Houses and cars come and go. The economy goes up and down. Your relationships should not be formed on material happiness or they're doomed for failure. Secondly, full trust cannot fully form between both partners in a relationship unless successful communication is taking place. Through communication you learn about one and another and establish a mutual trust.

 

Please give us additional information about what exactly is going on in your relationship. I can only assume so much and chances are, if I don't have the full story, my response isn't going to be as accurate as you make like. Best wishes to you.

 

Yours,

 

LoveAngel

[@ngel]

I totally agree with Ryan on this - especially the last few lines of his response.

 

Self-awareness is very important - you cannot be ready to integrate your life with someone else's if you do not really know yourself, or if you have not accepted who you are.

 

Speaking from experience, I think moving out on your own BEFORE getting married or moving in with a partner is a very enriching experience. It not only allows you to begin thinking for yourself and living your life for yourself but it helps you discover who you are. This is a crucial step before sharing your life with someone. My ex & I moved in at a young age straight from living with our parents and we were definately both not ready to deal with each others "growing pains" - it is very hard to concentrate on your own self-awareness issues and those of your partner at the same time. Although it may sound selfish, one needs to take care of their own needs first and foremost when "growing up" (even past the age of 20 right up until maybe 25, depending on the person). Once you are comfortable with yourself then you can be comfortable sharing your life with someone.

 

Living on your own also teaches you to become more self-sufficient. This is very important because when you're in a relationship it is not always healthy for one person to rely heavily on the other for certain things. Not to say that couples should not be there for each other no matter what. I'm not saying that. But, if the relationship becomes unbalanced because one person is making the other do all the work with respect to taking care of ALL of the needs of BOTH people then the relationship is not on stable ground.

 

Also, remember to "keep your own life" when being married. What I mean by that is keep your friends, have your own hobbies, go out with your buddies regularly, stay close to your family, and don't make your life revolve around your partner's only. If you abandon people & things that are important to you to be with your partner 24/7 and do only what they do, you begin to lose your identity. As well, keep in mind that independence to a certain degree is attractive to your mate as it is a sign of self-confidence.

 

Comments & feedback are welcome & appreciated.