Together but lonely

[Andy]

Hi everyone... my first post and it's not a good one.

 

I've been with my boyfriend, David, for almost two years now. For the first year of our relationship (which became after meeting on the net), things were going terrifically, and I was ecstatic every time I saw him. Of course, the thirteen years between us, and the fact that we're both male, caused a few problems. I'm now out to my parents (along with Dave), and quite bizarrly, we're living together in my parent's Granny flat. Truth is stranger than fiction.

 

However, my problems have risen to this: the balance of affection and general good-feeling in the relationship has fallen on his side, very very much. It's rare these days that we hug even once a day, let alone kiss. Even the little things that I thought we shared interest in, like cuddling when we're in bed or going for walks just to enjoy eachother's company have disappeared.

 

When I'm away from David, I feel alone. Now, when I'm with David, I feel even more alone. Something so great and wonderful to me has died, and I don't seem to have any effect on it at all.

 

I have tried my hardest to resurrect what we had, but he is completely disinterested, and even groans in distaste sometimes when I try to hug him or something. I don't know how I ever held back from exploding before. For almost 8 months he didn't say "I love you", not once. I feel so alone and lost and helpless.

 

Everything that I treasured about David has trickled away, and no matter how many times I try to explain this to him he doesn't understand.

 

Alongside that he's taken a strong liking for reading sex stories in the last few months. I've talked to him about pornography in the past a thousand times and he told me he understood how I felt and that he wouldn't look at it anymore, but I've found pictures and stories all over his computer and he's even printed some to look at later. I feel he has no respect for me or the place I'm supposed to hold in his life.

 

He went away for a week earlier this year, and things were a little testy then. It was Valentines day two days after he left, and he didn't call then or even after four days, not even to say hi or tell me he was ok. I didn't call him until then because he thinks I'm crowding him if I do and it feels like I disappear from his life when I'm not there physically... sometimes even then.

 

I've tried to give him his space, which I know he likes. And I've given him ample time to make amends for the things that lacked on his side. But it's so tired and lacking now that I don't know how much longer the glue holding us together will stick.

 

I'm alone and petrified. He seems to have no need for me, but I love and want to be with him for the rest of my life. I would do anything to remain with him but it's so hard when he doesn't do or at least try anymore.

 

Sorry for the bad hello, but I have to tell someone. If anyone has any advice or comments, please do so... they would be greatly appreciated...

[Cici]

Hi Andy...

 

Relationship go through their natural ups and downs, yes, but at some point you have to really take a look at what you're involved in and really take a look at yourself and your partner. After that examination, it's time to decide whether your view of the relationship is through rose-colored glasses or whether the relationship is truly what you believe it to be.

 

People distance themselves from their partners for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, they're suffering from a mood disorder, like uni-polar depression, or some other more personal psychological confusion/problem. Sometimes, it's because they simply have either lost interest, or the relationship is fizzling due to preoccupation with something or someone else.

 

There are obvious problems in your relationship. You've taken the first step, trying to communicate your concerns to your partner. But if he's not receptive to you attempts to communicate, the problem is running deeper and perhaps has been going on for a long time.

 

I don't want to psychoanalyze your partner froma second-hand reading of a post on a message board, but consider thatif he's not able to communicate baout the most basic aspects of your relationship and you are being hurt by his distance, he needs prodding. Overt prodding so he'll let you know what's up. Be blunt. Say, "You've been distant, to the point that I don't feel we're anything but friends anymore. If you want it that way, you need to let me know so I can get over this and stop hurting so much." Then really listen to his response. If it sounds like bull, it probably is. He has a cozy set up and probably doesn't like to rock the boat. But first and foremost, relationships are about mutual respect, affection and fulfillment. If these aren't happening, you don't have a relationship.

 

Good luck, keep us posted!

 

c

[odyne]

Hello,

 

Welcome to the forum, even if it isn't on the best of terms. Okay, on to the response...

 

This sounds very familiar to me. If you go back and read the posts you'll find a lot of this kind of thing. Aka, it happens to the best of us! Instead of just advice, I'm going to give you some things to think about. If any of them hit home, consider them further, if not...keep on postin' and we'll see what else we can do.

 

1) Did you come out only after you were with David? Although your situation has some different problems as well, your story almost sounds like that "want to get out and experience life" syndrome. Are you feeling restless and frustrated? You may want to think about what you really want at this point in your life. Is it a solid relationship?

 

2) Where does the age difference fall? Are you older or is he? Either way, your paths in life may just be forking off in different directions at this point in time. That's not to say that they won't rejoin later on, but think about what he wants or has in life and how it relates to you, or what you can do to help him realize those goals.

 

3) Living together can drive people crazy sometimes. You say he wants space while he's gone, but what about while you are at home? I know you said you try to give him space and that's good. Do you like spending time alone? Maybe if you start enjoying your time by yourself more it will be easier for him to feel less pressure. Maybe he's just over-compensating for his feelings of being tied down by rejecting your affection. Have you asked him directly why he doesn't like that kind of contact anymore? It's also possible that he may be frustrated with his life or something else and just can't express it to you in the way he should.

 

And last but not least...

 

You aren't alone! I know it feels like that, and I bet you feel like there will never be anyone like him in your life again. But from how you feel now, maybe you're ready for someone a bit different? There are others out there, it may take a little transition-time to get back into the swing of things, but it is possible. Have you thought about taking a break from the relationship to re-evaluate what you both want? A break is not the end of the world, just keep an open mind about things and you'll come through it all okay. Sorry this is long. I'm stopping, I really am! Keep us updated?

 

Take care,

 

Odyne

[Andy]

Allo' again... thanks for the replies.

 

Just clarifying it... he's the older by 13 years. His initial concerns about age difference disappeared after a while. I've always believed that age shouldn't be an issue (within reason, of course.) As for my coming out, it was because my Mum found a magazine in David's bag (of course, she wasn't searching, haha) and when Dad asked if I was like that too, I answered truthfully. However, I've never resented that David basically outted me. Our relationship is still undercover to them, godknows how that is. David is not out to his parents at all, leading to all kinds of frustration on my part. I can understand his viewpoint so I don't make much of a deal out of it anymore.

 

Our paths are different, no denying that. He wants to move across the country, travel overseas, have a huge income... where I'm more interested in making something beautiful where we are at the moment. I share his interest in travel, but I don't think we have to be anywhere specifically to make us work.

 

One thing that does hurt me incredibly is that he's never asked me where I'd like to go. We've never talked about a mutual place to live. Every time he says "I want to go to..." etc., he assumes that I'll follow or that he'll move off and our relationship will become long distance. It just shows how important I am to him! I have a problem with that!

 

He can't seem to focus on one subject for more than a few minutes, and things that are important to me feel insignificant against his latest travelling fascination or even "he's cute!" while walking down the street with me. There are times when it feels as if he has no respect at all for me.

 

I'm saying all of these bad things about him, but it's just because he frustrates me so much. I know relationships change over time, but when everything disappears overnight, I get worried. The cuddling, the kissing, the general good-feeling that he gave me have all gone.

 

Last night after dinner, we went for a walk. During the night I knew I had pissed him off, but I thought we were just playing at the time. I apologised as soon as I realised it was real. When we got out into the darkness about twenty minutes later and I took his hand. We walked for 5 minutes or so and he didn't even twitch once to respond to me. I was holding a dead fish in my hand. I got upset, I asked him about when we got home, and he got up and went to another room.

 

This is a classic example of what happens when I try. Even when he's not pissed off at me I get no response. After eight months, it's getting a little old. He told me last night that I didn't have to try. He said I'm always there, and he doesn't have opportunity to do anything. Bulls***! I've given him so much time to make amends, and I think that statement's a copout. Squeezing my hand back is doing something.

 

This morning he got up and had a shower before heading off to work. I sat on the edge of the bed, and when it came time to leave he stood above me like I was supposed to jump up and do everything. I felt him hesitate and I think he remembered what was said last night. He leant down, kissed me on the forehead and left.

 

So maybe it worked. lol.

 

I'll keep trying. I don't want us to fall apart. I love David dearly, though it probably doesn't show in this post. Thanks again for the comments - they're appreciated and made a difference to my thinking.

 

And sorry about the length!