The Greatest Burpday Present Ever

[Guest]

The Greatest Burpday Present Ever - Today I turned 45 and was given the greatest burpday present ever. And this gift took over a year to make and was created by maybe hands, and I would like to thank those who each added their own stamp to it – my family, my friends, an ex gf, and ex wife and finally, myself – the gift was the ability to love myself.

 

For many years I have always loved the external me, the person that enjoyed making others happy, the person that wrote and recorded songs, photographed memories of importance, released emotions thru paintings, the person that understood how compromise doesn’t mean giving up something but becoming more by accepting the individuality of others. But I never learned how to love the internal me – and because of this, I was unsuccessful in a marriage and lost a true love.

 

But something funny happens when you get older, the life that you once saw as unfair, suddenly throws things your way and flips everything on its head and you see an opportunity – one that can change your future forever if you grasp what is offered and what you do, instead of turn away from it, you take hold of it with both hands and tell yourself ‘I WANT THIS’. I do not what to bore everyone with a novel here, but I would like to thank and explain how 3 people made this all possible and start with the one person that made this possible.

 

This is a woman, who will turn 39 on December 30, and a woman I was in a relationship for over 4 years. Over the course of our relationship, we both grew and shared and did things together, things that built a lasting foundation and led us both to believe that we would grow old in each others arms. Unfortunately, my past ensured that would not happen and my behaviors cancelled that out. What happened was basically this – the learned behaviors of my past crept into our lives and I did not have the skills to correct things, nor the awareness and understanding of what I was actually doing.

 

For example: I would take too much upon myself, and instead of asking for help [because I had false ideas of what strength and courage and honesty are] I turned that into a negative and criticized her, started blaming her for my guilt and shame, and placed events from my past on her when she was doing nothing wrong. This took place in a home that was a constant reminder of my past and looking back now it was the worst place to start our future.

 

So from the moment we moved in together, I projected my past onto her, and as that continued and grew worse, instead of releasing this and getting help, I let it make me become a mean person, and that led me into an extremely deep and dark depression – one where all my past waited for me. That led to a return to ways I used in the past to avoid, which led to an addiction, and eventually to her leaving me and a period of No Contact which continues to this day.

 

Now the significance of this is for the first time in my life, I lost something that really meant the world to me and I need to feel a hurt so great before I could finally do something about ending the ways I lived and viewed life. I finally realized that. So, for once I went through all the stages, of confusion, anger, heartbreak, analysis, and healing – but this time I didn’t stop where one does normally to just move on – I continued and dug in the dirt until I found what I always needed to succeed in life and be in a healthy relationship – I found a way to love myself.

 

This is why I no longer feel like she abandoned me, she did everything possible to save our relationship and help me understand – she merely choose to respect herself, protect her heart, and be a great role model for her daughter. So, I retraced my steps back to the woman who had been my wife and where my poor behaviors originated with and for the next 8 months, we worked together and solved the issues of the past and finally let go of the past. Now we have a greater appreciation and respect for each other – and a better future.

 

And she had to, like my ex gf, had to remove something from my life, something that would hurt me deeply before I could do this as well. Both women hold a special place in my life and heart for doing these things and I thank them. And the final thank goes out to ME – for I have finally done what I should have many years ago and I am proud that I am now able to say with pride and honesty – I LOVE MYSELF. I am doing all the things needed to make these changes a constant, from moving into a new home [650391], to registering in programs and seeing therapists, to be excited again about life and who I am – this is the greatest burpday present I have ever both received and given myself.