Wife gone, need coping/moving on

[Oblivion]

Hello all. I have a feeling Ill be on these boards for some time to come, while I do need some help, I will try to help as best I can also.

 

After 12 years of marriage, 2 separations, 1 nearly completed divorce; we are now at separation #3 pending certain divorce. All 3 times I have left the marriage of my own free will. None of them had anything to do with other women until #3. We have had a really rocky relationship after being married after 4 months of dating in 1995. She is very controlling, stubborn, financially irresponsible, deceitful at times. My issues are communication (or lack thereof), dodging responsibility, among other things Im sure. I had an incident 10 years ago where I was unfaithful while on deployment in the Marines to Australia, I told her about it once I got back, and she was destroyed. Somehow we got past it although we didnt go to counseling or anything like we should have.

 

The first separation came in 2000, I was unsure if I still loved her and said I wanted out. Well once I got out, she started dating someone from her work almost right away. We stayed separated for 6 months, having occasional contact (sexual and otherwise), still not sure if she was intimate with the OM but I suspect it. We ended up getting into a physical confrontation (not the first time) where she bit me and I threw her off me onto the pavement. Cops were called, male goes to jail. Plead guilty, later I would wish I had plead self defense, but hindsight and all that. I ended up with an anger management sentence. This is funny because Im the least angry person you’ll meet. After the smoke cleared from this we decided we still wanted each other and worked it out. I did not date anyone during this time.

 

In 2002 we separated again, due to unresolved issues and anger. We were both in Alabama at the time, I left to go to Oregon where my family is. This separation lasted a year. We both dated other people throughout, which caused more problems. She lied about who she was with, what she was doing, we hated each other in general. At the end of a year, we both came out of relationships and somehow wound up back together again.

 

2006. Things had become really complacent, no communication, no goals or direction, sex was a rare occasion, just a really dull lifeless marriage. Same problems still all present, my main issue is that she lies about things that have no bearing on anything whatsoever versus telling the harmless truth. Anyway, I wont get into the details of all that unless I need to.

 

This time It all started with my meeting a mom of one of my 6 year old daughter’s friends. She’s married, with 2 kids also. Well, long story short we ended up in an affair, after attempting to stop twice. Got caught after 2 months due to pictures of us on a clubs internet site. Both our spouses went ballistic, news got spread around the neighborhood, and the kids school, and we both were exiled essentially. I’ve since moved out, (after another cop call but no violence, just anger on her part). Now comes the good part. I realized that everything this OW was, was what I wanted my wife to be, and I realized that I wasn’t in love with the OW. Now wife is totally out and done, and with good reason. I take full responsibility for my actions. I believe that its best for us just to be divorced and done, since she has refused to go to counseling in the past, or she goes, but its too hard and quits. I really thought I was done with her when I started the affair, I even told her I was unhappy etc, but with unfavorable results. Since all this, the OW and I have broken up due to my realization that I still had feelings or some kind of attachment for my wife. Wife now wants nothing to do with me and has moved on. I am left trying to live with the guilt of what I have done, as well as feelings for her, I do love her, but I cant make her something she’s not. I know I must move on, but I cant figure out how, so now I turn to you.

[mum2three]

You guys have been thru alot might I say! Keep posting and u'll get some honest advice. That said, I'm new here too.

 

But I do think that you guys have tried 3 times and did separate for reasonably long periods and have been with different people. I honestly think both of you have tried the rest and you know in the heart of hearts you had the best. But your last episode of cheating needs to be dealt with by yourself with some time. I don't think you guys would be together even if she accepted you right now. Get some help for yourself and change for yourself before trying to have a relationship with your wife right now. If you guys are strong you can be back together again in the future. There is just so much baggage and hurt that needs to be dealt with individually before trying it all over again. It is setting yourself up for failure.

[Oblivion]

Thank you for your response. And I totally agree, Im just trying to figure out how to move on, I dont know what to do or where to start. Im not trying to work on our relationship, I think theres too much to repair, and theres nothing to really go back to. Thats why I dont understand why I feel this way.

[Guest]

i am a firm believer in not letting my past dictate my future. i can repair anything - i refuse to let bagage hold me back. i am stronger than stuff like that but it takes two to do that. there is nothing that could make me not be with someone i loved but that is just me. see, i let failure crumble me before - never again. poof - wipe it away. super dude looking fer a super dudette - that's me.

[Dad_of_3]

Wow is all I can say at this point.

 

In my opinion, you've got a long way to go before your over this.

sounds to me, like you've been bottling alot of stuff up during the course of your marriage. hell even some unresolved issues from your youth.

Its all now opening up and starting to flow. before you know it, its all spilling everywhere and as such you're in a state of confusion.

 

Right now i would suggest some IC. This is just my opinion. But IC to find out the triggers fro what has happened.

Read up !

 

Searching for reading material for yourself.

i would suggest "5 Love languages" "Divorcebusting" Dr Phil's books

 

Its normal what you are feeling right now.

I come from the side you where on. I cheated on my spouse as well.

Its normal what you are experiencing. Hell you've taken the first step to changing and dealing with it by coming here and having the guts to post.

 

Take some time out from all this. You need to reassess and get a action plan happening.

 

you ask why your confusion ? because for the last 12 years, she and you where 1 unit. that has changed now, you've come to see and acknowledge.

Good ! Now what have you learnt from that and what are you gonna do to move on from that.

 

More people will continue to post, as i will.

 

Keep us posted on how things are.

[Oblivion]

i am a firm believer in not letting my past dictate my future. i can repair anything - i refuse to let bagage hold me back. i am stronger than stuff like that but it takes two to do that. there is nothing that could make me not be with someone i loved but that is just me. see, i let failure crumble me before - never again. poof - wipe it away. super dude looking fer a super dudette - that's me.

 

True, I can repair anything also. But like you said, it takes 2. Shes never in 12 years helped me with that. We'd just have sex after talking about hurts or issues, almost like a make-up sex thing, and then it was never discussed again for long periods. Ill be here and drop anything if she ever does want to rebuild, I just dont see it.