GreenEyedLady Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 No contact... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 What does he tell you? Do you think that he loves you a lot, little...Does he do what he says he will? Does he really try in your R? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ema Posted December 18, 2006 Author Share Posted December 18, 2006 I agree. Wording is VERY important. We get offended and feel pushed around really easy. So how do I word it so he's not offended or pushed away or feels backed into a corner? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ema Posted December 18, 2006 Author Share Posted December 18, 2006 We are very casual. We see each other infrequently and mostly last minute...like stealing whatever time we can get. Usually when he is "working late". I know he cares for me a lot. I hesitate to say he loves me. I did the NC thing when he broke up with me in '05. He called me less than a week later when his pursuit of that other woman failed and before he and the wife had gotten back together. I ignored him for a year and then had this bomb dropped on me about how much he missed me. The thing is, we haven't had a truly honest conversation like that one since that night. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 If you hesitate to say that he loves you, I don't think that this one has a chance of going your way...I'm sorry to have to say that... He's treated you rather shoddily, are you sure that he is worth the heartache and waiting? If he was in love with you, you would feel that...he would try harder to make you happy... The times that you spend together shouldn't be infrequent or always last minute...he's not trying very hard here at all, and I am afraid that you are going to be very hurt... Are you happy with the way things are going at all, even part of the time? I think that right now, you need to have a talk with him...tell him exactly how you feel, that you want more, and that if he won't give it to you, that you'll find someone who will...and then go do it... Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 So how do I word it so he's not offended or pushed away or feels backed into a corner? MM, I know you are in a tough spot right now. I truly do understand the position your in. A child does cast a different light on a relatiohship. This is a situatiuon that no one should take lightly. There is more at stake here then just us. I know how you feel about me, and I hope you know how I feel about you. so to avoid getting us into a situation where eaither one of us resents the other for the way the relationship may head we may want to think about a time line for things to change. This type of relatioship can put alot of stress on us both, and if we have a set date in place the we can both see a light at the end of the tunnel no matter what way we decide to go. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 Excellent wording BH! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ema Posted December 18, 2006 Author Share Posted December 18, 2006 That's good, bonehead. Perhaps I'll try something to that effect. Green-eyed, I understand what you are saying yet I can't help but feel that he is too miserable himself to realize that he's not making me happy. Right now, we're at a stalemate. Things need to change one way or another. I just want them to change the right way, and I truly want him to be happy even if that means we are not together. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 That's good, bonehead. Perhaps I'll try something to that effect. Green-eyed, I understand what you are saying yet I can't help but feel that he is too miserable himself to realize that he's not making me happy. Right now, we're at a stalemate. Things need to change one way or another. I just want them to change the right way, and I truly want him to be happy even if that means we are not together. Another thing to keep in mind if you can. When I first seperated the best thing in the world that my MW did for me was back off a bit and just be a FRIEND. If he does leave, remember he is going to hurt no matter how bad he wants to leave the marriage. Its still a shock to the system. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 I just want them to change the right way, and I truly want him to be happy even if that means we are not together. WORK ON MAKING YOU HAPPY, don't worry about him...he's happy right now with the way it is... Now things can change, if he wants them, too...it won't happen overnight, but he can start doing better right away...BUT HE HAS TO WANT THE CHANGE AS MUCH AS YOU... Good luck, my thoughts are with you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ema Posted December 18, 2006 Author Share Posted December 18, 2006 Thank you both, so much! BH, I would definitely be there as a friend to support him through the pain. I know it will be a big change and a shock if it ever happens. GEL, I know I have to work on making me happy but I disagree that he is happy with the way things are. He's so far from happy, his actions speak that in volumes everyday. The working late, avoiding being home, etc. I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness for his but I wouldn't be able to say I loved him if I didn't want his happiness as much as my own. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 That's good, bonehead. Perhaps I'll try something to that effect. Green-eyed, I understand what you are saying yet I can't help but feel that he is too miserable himself to realize that he's not making me happy. Right now, we're at a stalemate. Things need to change one way or another. I just want them to change the right way, and I truly want him to be happy even if that means we are not together. Is he even talking about leaving? Does he ever mention it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ema Posted December 18, 2006 Author Share Posted December 18, 2006 Currently? No, but ha has talked about it. Has said definitively that he won't be in this marriage forever. But nothing more concrete than that... Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 Is he even talking about leaving? Does he ever mention it? he did leave once. EMA, It took me 3 times before i actually stuck to it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 If he's not really talking about it, he's a much longer way off from doing it. As bonehead said, leaving doesn't happen quickly and it doesn't always stick even if he leaves. And it was his wife who left him, right? So he hasn't actually ever made the decision to leave. If he has no plans to leave other than he won't be in his marriage "forever", that doesn't give you any light at the end of the tunnel. "Not forever" could mean a month or 8 years until his daughter is in college. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 And it was his wife who left him, right? So he hasn't actually ever made the decision to leave. My mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 Ema, your goal is for YOU to be happy, not you and him. I mean, with whomever it is, you want YOU to have a happy love life, right? It doesn't have to be with him. If I told you that in two years from now you will be married to a wonderful guy and 10 years from now you'll have a couple great kids, would you object and say "No, I want it to be with my MM!" I don't think so. You do realize that you will suffer in the period of getting over him, which may last a year or two, but definitely no longer than that. Then you will be free and ready to love someone else. Ready to be happy. By staying with him, you're prolonging your pain and misery. It's hard to leave, but it's even harder to stay. You CAN live without him if you want to. And you do want to, because he can't give you what you want: marriage and deep true love. If he could dump you for another girl then get back with his wife, he doesn't really love you. He is just using you for fun, no matter how it seems to you. He wants to have 2-3 women in his life and doesn't mind lying and cheating. I bet he is handsome, charming, funny, and easy on the eyes. He loves to enjoy while you're missing your life... Link to post Share on other sites
Seen_It_All Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 Could this guy BE any more of a user? Seriously - could he? I'm not going to say a word about his open marriage because that was agreed-upon by he and his wife. However, his wife chose to leave. Rather than live alone and DEAL with the end of his marriage, he glommed right onto you to make it all better, without going through the necessary steps of DEALING with a divorce. After he got back on his feet, a better deal (read: woman) came along and off he ran, leaving you in the dirt. What a stand up guy. Amazingly enough his new 'love' didn't work (probably because the loser was cheating on her left and right) and he ran back to the wife, promising to try to make it 'right' this time. They agree on reconciliation, NO open marriage, let's give 100% to each other and try to make this work. And YET, once AGAIN, he just can't keep it in his pants, can he? Nope, not this guy. He's always got to 'shopping' for a better deal, doesn't he? You'd better pray this user DOESN'T leave his wife and you get stuck with him. Sure as the sun rises and sets, YOU'LL be in his wife's place before long - being made a FOOL of and trying desperately to keep the sinking ship afloat while he's out shopping for a better deal. Being dumped by this loser once didn't teach you what type of character (or lack thereof, I should say) he really has? Watching him screw around on his wife with you for the last year - while promising reconciliation to his wife - isn't ANOTHER clue to his disgusting lack of integrity? What's it going to take to make you SEE this jerk for what he IS? Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 If he can do this once to you, he can do it again! Best to fend for yourself and let him do whatever he needs/wants to do. Best Link to post Share on other sites
oyster Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 My ex and I had set a seperation date when one of my best friends who happends to be a woman told me she loved me and wanted a relationship with me. you are my hero, keeping a female friend on the back burner:) or she was eyeing you and waiting for the sign "Vacancy-here here, hurry hurry" Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 you are my hero, keeping a female friend on the back burner:) or she was eyeing you and waiting for the sign "Vacancy-here here, hurry hurry" Dude, you know my story. lol Link to post Share on other sites
anatus Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 I understand and can sympathize with your pain. He is married with children (or child). That's a hard situation to move on from. Do you recognize the pattern though? It seems he is free to come and go and come and go... etc... It's apparent that you are in pain. The heartache is probably much too great to measure. But what about you? I disagree with some of your friends that you are a homewrecker... you cannot wreck that was not stable to begin with. It does not seem like he is a stable man with a stable home. Nobody should have the right to treat you and your life like it's a revolving door. You're real... heart and soul. If you have been able to love this man for the length of time that you have, you are obviously a "one man" woman. You have got to believe that somewhere out there is the one man that deserves you. Link to post Share on other sites
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