Should I tell???

[DS]

I am 25 years old and female and have been living with my fiancee for 3 1/2 years. We are very much in love and although there have been some rough patches we have dealt with them together.

 

This last weekend I went with my fiancee to a get-together of all of our mutual friends and some of my fiancee's cousins. One cousin in particular I have always gotten along with very well and occasionally he has playfulyy flirted with me, but nothing serious. The cousin, "Kevin", and I went to the store to get some beer and on the way back, he was admiring my tan and moved my sleeve up to get a better look. He then began admiring my legs and pulled my skirt all the way up to expose my underwear, and I pulled back (but since we were in a moving car I could not leave). He then, still in the guise of looking at my tan lines, moved the collar of my dress back and exposed my breasts. I pulled up my dress but didn't really say anything - I was too shocked!

 

When we got back to the house, I pulled my fiancee aside and told him what had happened. My fiancee kind of laughed it off but said he would say something to Kevin later. I begged him not to say anything, but I just wanted to let him know in case Kevin said something to him.

 

Later we were sitting around the swimming pool and I decided to go get another beer. In order to do so, you have to walk on the side of the house (very dark and isolated), around the front of the house and into the garage. Kevin followed me and got his own beer. I was carrying a beer for myself and one for my fiancee so my hands were full. When we got to the dark and isolated point of the walk back, Kevin lifted my skirt from behind, rubbed my rear (through my underwear), then moved the crotch of my underwear and touched me *THERE*. I stepped away from him and he said something like, "Don't you like me touching you?" and I hissed, "just...don't."

 

I have been avoiding situations where we are together, much less alone. This is someone who I care about a lot, like a lot and up until now have enjoyed spending time with. I have not told my fiancee the second part of what happened.

 

Should I tell my fiancee? What should I do?

 

HELP!!!!

[Bill]

First of all, this Kevin should be punched in the face.

 

Your fiance better do something about this. Tell him about it, and LET him know every detail that you have told us, and more if there is.

 

No one should get away with that crap. If my cousin ever even looked at my girlfriend in the wrong way, he'd lose both arms. This Kevin has so many problems, besides being a jerk.

 

It's so hard to believe there are guys out there like that!!! I know there are, but what the ****?! It will get worse if you do not tell. If this fiance of yours isn't man enough to protect you, then you need to find another one.

 

You NEED to tell him ASAP!

 

I sure hope he will do something to this Kevin, not just let "this one" slide. IF he tries to tell you that he won't do anything this time, or that you should not do anything, then you need to leave this man. If he does, great! He SHOULD.

 

Your fiance laughing at your previous encounter says a lot about him.

 

Just let him know about this immediately, and MAKE sure something is done.

 

-hrm

Where is "Kevin"? I'm going to teach him a lesson myself.

[Tams]

You should absolutely tell your fiancee. How can you marry someone with such a secret being kept from him? If he doesn;t understand or even believe you, then unfortunately you are with the wrong guy. Alcohol makes people do stupid things, so talk to his cousin as well; when he is sober. Tell him how uncomfortable it made you feel. He may very well already feel like an ass for doing it and apologize. Communication is the key to everything.

[velvet]

Whats stopping you? You don't love him! This man sounds dangerous. I personally would have gotten my thrill in return by punching his lights out.

 

Common sense should tell you that not only are his actions disgusting and illegal but potentially dangerous if this matter isn't taken care of now rather than later.

 

Heres another way to look at it: Say you get married, you have a family and your daughter blooms into a beautiful girl. Do you want uncle Kevin to treat her that way?

 

Letting this slide and not telling anyone not only puts you in a position for him to harm you more but may give him ideas that he could try these things on other women. I'm sure he probably has, but if you can put a concrete foot down on his ass he may think twice before doing that to anyone ever again.

 

What he did is beyond playfulness. Its sexual assault.

 

If your b/f will not support you, than you have want to rethink marriage. From here on out don't ever put yourself in a position where Kevin can take advantage of you anymore. You should avoid him totally.

 

Yes, do tell your b/f what had happened to you later that night. Set him down somewhere where there aren't any distractions and have a serious talk with him so that he understands the seriousness of this.

[BeReal]

Yes, tell your fiance. This cousin is a real sicko. Your fiance's reaction to the first incident does not impress me. If you tell your fiance and he does not see a problem, then he is not worth crap. Next time, don't hiss. yell, "rape", "don't touch me" etc. make a scene, call the police. Kick him in the nuts or something...what a creepy loser. I hope it doesn't run in the family.

[Daniel]

I agree that this Kevin guy is an absolute prick and tried to take advantage of you. You should tell your fiancee immediately and if he just laughs again, he obviously sees such behaviour as acceptable and I wouldn't be surprised if he would be inclined to act like that himself. This is repulsive.

 

I do, however, think that Kevin's behaviour towards you in the car was pretty obvious - you must have known what his real intentions were as soon as he started touching you and I think that it is odd that you didn't tell him to back off straight away, before it got to the point where he was touching you in inappropriate places. And later on, saying, "just... don't" doesn't send a clear enough message to this guy that his behaviour is wrong. Do you like the attention? I know that you are the victim here, but you are not helpless.

[DS]

I think I used the wrong choice of words when I said my fiancee "kind of laughed it off". When I told my fiancee about what had happened in the car, I didn't make it into a big deal and so he didn't see it as a big deal. I don't remember now exactly what I told him, but I think it was something like, "Kevin touched my breasts!". Had I gone to him in tears about what Kevin did, I think he would have taken immediate action.

 

I think the reason I didn't react as strongly as I could have was because I have been around Kevin for so long and up until now we have had such a great relationship. VELVET said "you don't love him" - but that's just it! I do love him, the way you would love a cousin or a brother. He has been a major player in my life since I met my fiancee. This isn't someone I've never met before and can easily avoid forever. This is someone who will be around me for the rest of my life and who is one of the more important people in my fiancee's life. Their family is EXTREMELY close - they do everything together, have get-togethers every weekend, etc.

 

DANIEL - One thing you said made me think harder than anything else. "Do you like the attention?" In the car, I just thought he was teasing me, playing around with me. I didn't feel threatened - it was just Kevin, I thought, and he wouldn't do anything to hurt me or make my fiancee mad. I guess I did like that kind of attention - but I'm not about to cheat on my fiancee, especially not with a family member. After he exposed my breasts I knew it wasn't a game.

 

I still haven't told him yet - I don't know what to say. "Oh, Honey, I forgot to tell you one small detail..."

 

And one last thing - Kevin's live-in girlfriend of 8 years was not present when all of this happened. Should I tell her?

[Guest]

Who was driving - you or him? Personally if anyone besides my boyfriend started to pull my skirt up to expose my underwear, either I would have stopped the car and told him to get out, or I would have demanded he stop the car so I could get out. I definitely wouldn't have waited for him to move my collar to expose my breasts.

 

Secondly, after this person did this - I wouldn't have walked down a very dark and isolated path alone with him. Plus, I would've smashed one of the two bottles of beer on the floor, yelled, punched him and basically stopped it before he got to touching me 'there'. And what did you say to him? Doesn't seem to me like you ever said 'stop', 'no' or 'don't touch me'.

 

Also, when explaining it to my fiance, I wouldn't just say that 'Kevin touched my breasts'. It looks like you wanted to let him know in case Kevin said something to him, not because you wanted him to put a stop to it.

 

You mention that this is one of the more important people in your fiancee's life, expect either that to change when you tell him - or expect him not to believe you.

 

I'm not trying to put the blame on you, I'm just thinking that maybe there's more to it. Are you sure you don't like the attention or want it? You responded to Daniel that 'you though he wouldn't do anything to hurt me or make my fiance mad', WISE UP! What the #@$@ do you think touching you down 'there' is going to do to your fiance? Why don't you speak out to Kevin, let alone your fiance? Are you ready to get married or are you looking for a way out? I think you have some issues you need to resolve, both by yourself and with your fiance and how to handle 'kevin'.