Porn and men

[Ally Boo]

I'm living with a guy who I care very much for. We are living together and talking about getting married. He has a very extensive collection of pornography. And we've talked about it. For one thing, he has had this pornography for years, and has been "collecting" it for years, and considers it a "hobby." Well, I don't buy that hobby crap. And I've told him that I don't want the future father of my children being a porno freak. He said that when he was with his ex (who had a son), he kept all his porn away from him. I retorted with tears, bc it really hurts me. I told him that I know how much he loves me and is attracted to me, and if he won't let me be enough for him, it will make me feel like he has one foot out of the relationship...looking for an escape.

 

Maybe I'm over reacting. I told him that I didn't mind him watching movies as long as I was around, but as far as downloading pics from websites and things, it was not ok. We talked about a compromise of him burning all his pics on a CD and keeping the CD away and not looking at it...that way he wouldn't have wasted his money if something had happened between us. But, I just don't understand. He's had a history of keeping one foot out the door in relationships, and I'm wondering if this is part of that...

 

As far as I know, he hasn't been looking at porn since I've been living with him, and I told him last night how much it would hurt me if he were to look at them behind my back and I find out later, and it'd never look at him the same bc it would be decietful. He agreed and is resisting the temptations. The LAST thing I want to be is controlling, and I can't help but wonder if I am doing that, and if so, is it justified?

 

Am I wrong for asking him to eliminate this VERY extensive collection from our lives? Or have him keep them on CD and if we were to ever split up, give it back to him. I don't want to change him, but I think that when it comes to sexual "hobbies" like that, its dangerous. Fortunately, he loves me enough to stay away from it as much as he has.

 

Since I've moved in, he's complained that there is nothing to do, bc he would normally be downloading porn. And that cuts through me...I don't know why. He meets my needs in EVERY other way, but its just this ONE thing that, in my opinion, is a major cause of concern.

 

Is this changing him? Am I being over- bearing? Or justified?

He worships the ground I walk on, and that's why he has stopped looking at it, I'm just wondering what your perspective is.

[Bill]

Tell him to get rid of it.

 

 

 

Find a new hobby damnit. Play computer games. Actually, maybe it'd be nice if you came home with a computer game for him. You could also just suggest this to him, as he has so much free time.

[Tony T]

First of all, what is your definition of pornography?

 

If your guy is downloading pictures of couples having intercourse or involved in unusual or unnatural sexual acts with each other, multiple parties or with animals, get away from him NOW. If he's just collecting pictures of tastefully nude women, that's a bit better but I can still understand why it would bother you.

 

You are not wrong to be troubled by this...but, at the same time, I can tell you that the majority of men still like to look at photos of pretty naked ladies after they are married. It's much better that he do this with your knowledge than without.

 

I do think that if he does this in excess, that is wrong. His extensive collection should be trashed, although he's probably put a lot of work into the assembling the collection. If he is planning on spending the rest of his life with you, why would he want to hold on to this material knowing your feelings in the matter?

 

Putting them on a CD for storage is like saying if the relationship doesn't work out, he'll have his collection back in the settlement. I see no reason for that.

 

If he's downloading these pictures during his spare time when he would otherwise be bored, you will be condemned to years of planning his time out so he has no free time whatsoever. My suggestion is that he find other things to do on his computer...or, better yet, other hobbies away from the computer to take up his time. You cannot and should not be in his life 24/7. You both need to have lives separate from each other as well as together. You cannot trouble yourself with policing any future porn collection activities he may contemplate.

 

As long as there is an Internet and your guy has access to it, you will never be able to protect him from pornography, whatever you define it to be. Adult Internet sites are a multi-billion dollar industry. And there's plenty of the stuff you can easily find for free as well. If you don't trust him to stay away from this stuff on his own without you spying on him, you'll have to turn him loose.

 

Frankly, I fear that his preoccupation with this material...even though in check at this particular time...could resurface at any time and become problematic.

 

The very best thing you can do is take both of you to a counsellor and let the professional assess him and this collection activity to see if it is, in fact, only a hobby or if it's an obsession that could present serious problems for your relationship in the future and therefore require treatment.

 

You are absolutely correct to be concerned about this but I can't actually tell you if there is a threat of future danger. I can say for certain that there is definitely a potential for future serious problems if this issue isn't dealt with in a very decisive manner before you get married.

[Bill]

Well I hope he's not, but give him this warning.

 

[Some Thoughts]

My fiancee and I own various movies and magazines which we have used to enhance our sex life rather than detract from it. Before meeting/living with him, I had been taught that porn was disgusting and immoral. He did not force any of this down my throat - he let me look at it with him, together. I have to admit I was curious as to what a "movie" was like, and so we watched it. My fiancee also looks at pictures/movies on the internet. He has never once tried to hide any of this from me.

 

My fiancee loves to look at nude women's bodies - mine especially. If he isn't touching anyone else, keeps his collection out of sight and keeps loving me, I'm fine with it. In fact some of the movies/magazines have given us ideas to try on our own in the bedroom.

 

Just some thoughts on your subject.

[velvet]

There is a difference BTW looking or watching porn and a porn addict. I don't see the harm in it as long as that its not something he watches frequently.

 

Instead of saying no you cant have these things try saying OK. His thoughts than should be that he knows it makes you uncomfortable and be very respectful of your feelings toward it, therefor be very discreet about it.....he might even love you more.

[Angel]

If this really bothers you, you need to tell him. If you decide that this behavior is something that you can't tolerate in your home---don't sacrifice your basic values for a man that won't sacrifice his for you. Many of us women (and perhaps men) do this (putting up with men's "hobbies") for the sake of keeping peace. If you decide to keep the man (with this condition) then don't bug him about it. There are men that don't have this "hobby". I personally would dump him---cuz I couldn't live with that. Everyone is different--good luck.

[Tessa]

Ally Boo,

 

My b/f enjoys watches porn as well. You see, he loves women. Everytime he sees a woman, he has to make a comment. He does this all of the time. No matter where we are at or what we are doing. It just doesn't phase him that it hurts me. He just says that I am being paranoid and jealous. Getting back to the porn...I have asked him not to watch it without me, but I know that he does. After all, he's a man. You can't stop him from watching it. For some reason men flock to porn sites, movies, etc...It's the nature of the beast.

 

Let him have his little "hobby". As long as that is what it remains. You are not giving him the o.k. to sleep or go out with other women, but you are saying that you are confident enough in yourself to know you are the only one he will want. The more you tell him to get rid of it, the more he will find a way to watch, download, etc...Unfortunately, that is a perfect example of human nature at work.

 

Good Luck!

[jimthzz]

Most men, especially in their teens and 20s jerk off. No duh!

 

And most use porn when doing that. yes, visual stimulation is an important element in this. why? because men when jerking off fantasize about having sex, lustful thoughts when doing that.

 

It doesn't mean that they want specifically to have sex with someone else if they are in a relationship. but it does mean that when they're jerking off they want to feel that way in the moment.

 

I don't think most women when they're masturbating are as needful of that visual component.

 

Where this becomes a problem for men is if they can't control this porn viewing.

 

Collecting 100s of tapes would be an indication of that.

Preferrring to masturbate to this collection of tapes over sex with their woman is another.

[BookGurl]

Well- as a number have people have mentioned- many guys are into the whole porn thang. I think it's probably alright to have a magazine or two.

 

HOWEVER!!! It's a wee bit concerning that your man is bored without surfing the web for it 24/7. We all have hobbies, but this seems a tad bit juvinille. On the other hand, he is resisting the "temptations", and seems to be trying.

 

You are totally justified in feeling the way you do!!! I'd be ticked myself! I think the CD idea is a great compromise actually. (And we all know...about compromise. ) He doesn't have to fully give up his "hobby" fully- although I highly recommend he try reading a book or go hiking.

 

As for thinking that the CD collection as a backup IF you breakup...well, try not to sit on the "what ifs". Rather, think of it as a compromise rather than a backup plan for failure.

Hope that made sense...

 

That's about it.

 

J.

[jimthzz]

as insurance for the day when he might need it again.

 

It's not like this stuff isn't readily available.

 

I mean, if I'm going to look at such a thing as an "aid" to jerking off, i thnk I'd only need one.

[Rilke-boy]

I'll open this with a definition from dictionary.com:

 

ob·jec·ti·fy Pronunciation Key (b-jkt-f)

tr.v. ob·jec·ti·fied, ob·jec·ti·fy·ing, ob·jec·ti·fies

To present or regard as an object: “Because we have objectified animals, we are able to treat them impersonally” (Barry Lopez).

 

Your significant other is objectifying women. I know when I was with my last girlfriend, when I masturbated, I would only allow myself to masturbate with images in my head of her. That's how I function. I resent any comments that condone this type of behavior (ie, looking at porn) because it's part "of the male nature". Instincts can be controlled. That's why we're human beings and not animals.

 

I say that you lay down the law. In other words, tell your significant other that either the porn goes or you go. It's one thing to appreciate the beauty of the human body and it's another thing to use pictures of the human body to derive sexual pleasure. That, in my opinion, is the difference between art and pornography.

 

As Ringo Starr once said, "It's all in the mind, you know."

[Guest]

I'm a guy and yes,I sometimes can't help but look at porn.I'm not proud of it, but I know its partly because "it's a guy thing". However, to collect it, to constantly surf the net for it, to keep it against the wishes of your woman? No way! You have the right to be upset in my opinion. This is not how a man should treat his woman.

 

I'd be upset if it was the other way around. I know women like romantic movies, books , etc.If I had a gf or wife who was obessed with it, who kept tons and tons of it, and kept searching for more--I would really start to question that, and wonder how she felt about me. Or maybe I'm wrong?

 

Anyways, to me, looking at porn in front of your gf is almost like reading the classified ads for jobs in front of your boss.It's prolly not a good idea.

[Ally Boo]

Well thanks for ya'll's help, but we broke up for unrelated reasons. I'm sure he's glad he didnt' trash the porn collection now LOL

[Tod]

I used to keep a photo album of nude photos I had of ex-girlfriends. Some of them have since gotten married. When I got married, my wife was not too appreciative of the photo album and told me to get rid of it. I gave them to a friend of mine who personally knew some of the girls I had pictures of and was really interested in seeing them naked.

[Debster]

Tod, you wrote:

 

"I used to keep a photo album of nude photos I had of ex-girlfriends. Some of them have since gotten married. When I got married, my wife was not too appreciative of the photo album and told me to get rid of it. I gave them to a friend of mine who personally knew some of the girls I had pictures of and was really interested in seeing them naked"

 

How would you like that if someone did that with naked pictures of your wife! Those women trusted you enough to let you take those pictures and you have completely broken that trust by handing them to a friend. What you did was awful.

[butterflyz]

when it comes to porn...one must sort out the healthy from the unhealthy porn and a healthy use of it versus unhealthy use.

 

unhealthy porn exploits and degrades any gender, children, animals, etc.

 

healthy porn can be used to enhance a relationship, give it a little boost.

 

an unhealthy use of porn is when it is substituted for the real thing. another example are the guys who are stripjoint junkies. an unhealthy use of porn takes up too much of a person's life (an addiction) that needs to be addressed in therapy.

 

a healthy use of porn is an adjunct to (hopefully) an already active and healthy sex life.

 

i prefer to watch attractive couples having sex (one on one) with each other than anything else.

 

just my opinion

[Patty]

One day I was in the store and saw a magazine with nude men in it and bought it ,lol .Anyways I told my mother and was talking to her about it,but at the same time I hope she wouldnt find out. And she was like "oh usually girls dont buy them kind of magazines" I felt guilty for having it so I threw it in the trash.

 

She never knew I bought it.To this day I still carry that guilt with me.At the same time I wish I never threw it out.But I had to cause she would find it in my room.It was my biggest fear,thats why I had to get rid of it.So I enjoyed looking at it while I had it but I knew I wouldnt be able to keep it for long.I was just browsing through the magazine and just got curious and was tempted to buy it! Should I feel guilty about it though?

 

Patty

[chicky]

i also live with my boyfriend, and one day i got on the computer and went to the history and i found he was looking at over 15 porn sites aday. so i said something about it and he said he would stop. so a couple days later i went back to the history and i found more sites. so we had another conversation about it and once again he said he would stop. and then i found more and each time i sat and cried my eyes out.

 

i asked him why he was doing it and he said it wasnt about their looks it was just a guy thing that they liked to see girls doing certain things. so we came to an agreement that i would do the things he liked to see if he only looked at porn like once a week and that he couldnt masterbate to it anymore and since then we have been fine. so i think u should talk to your boyfriend. maybe if you make an agreement like that everything will work out for you too. my boyfriend barley ever looks at it anymore.

 

 

so i hope that everything works out for you.just remember do anything you can to keep the one you love. it wont hurt to experiment with different sexual things it can even help u with what you need.