New update on suspected cheating boyfriend

[lorr]

To those who are familiar with my story posted a few days ago, I need some advice. The story was about the suspected cheating boyfriend on myspace...

 

This morning on my way to work, I decided that as I was in No Contact, I would drop his DVD and Tie and a short note(asking for my key back) through his letterbox. I received a text message from him an hour later, asking why I did not knock on the door to let him know that I came round.He then said to check my email, as he had left me a message over the weekend.

 

Anyway I checked the email, and now I feel more confused and bewildered. I am posting exactly what he wrote to me, and I would appreciate some feedback:

 

YOU DON'T KNOW THE REAL ME,(IF YOU DID YOU WOULD KNOW BETTER).

Your eyes should be wide open, i've got nothing to hide, the stuff is on display it's not hidden, and for your info i'm not those things that you called me.

 

It's just like you to jump to conclusions before asking or finding out.The person you are talking about is my friend for 12 years, I think if I was going to do something with her I would have done it before she had her baby, her daughter is now 6, i'm her godparent. Why would I wait until I'm going out with you to then start something, that doen't make sense, don't know where your getting the love sick teenager from.

The fact is that I did miss her, I have not seen her in ages, we try to catch up every 4 months or so.

 

When I send you a text msg what I say comes from the heart, my warm heart, not a cold heart like yours.

 

As for sending me this e-mail(IS THIS THE WAY YOU COMMUNICATE) through e-mail, or don't you want to waste your phone credit speaking to me.(You just want to jump to conclusions without finding out the facts)but you seem to be able to waste credit speaking to everyone else. Thats fine do what you want, because I can't take the accusing me all the time, and the constant whine.

 

When your around and you have time, give me a call!!!!! Bye.....

 

I don't know what to feel or think anymore. I sent him back an e-mail also. I still don't understand why he would not tell me about this womans friendship for 12 years?, and the fact that he is the godfather for her child?

 

I have known him for 3 years, and went out with him for 2years, and he has never mentioned her whatsoever. I feel that he has left it too late to now tell me about this new bit of information. I know that if I did not check his myspace message, I would have been none the wiser about this, and believe that he still would not have told me anything.

 

Please can anyone advise me, as I am as confused as hell, and whether its worth me phoning him and explaining to him again, how I really feel? Thanks

 

 

[lorr]

Is there anyone on LS that can offer some sort advice and next step that I should take, on this new development that I am facing?

[littlekitty]

I still don't understand why he would not tell me about this womans friendship for 12 years?, and the fact that he is the godfather for her child?

 

I have known him for 3 years, and went out with him for 2years, and he has never mentioned her whatsoever. I feel that he has left it too late to now tell me about this new bit of information. I know that if I did not check his myspace message, I would have been none the wiser about this, and believe that he still would not have told me anything.

 

This is the part that is a red flag for me. The fact that they have been meeting regularly (every 4 months usually according to him) and are close enough to be speaking to each other on such 'friendly' terms - yet you know nothing about her. That concerns me, and you're right to let it concern you.

 

I would be astonished if I found out such a thing after 2 years with my partner. That he was a godfather, very close to another women (and her child), and yet I had never heard of them. Why not?

 

I can't advise you what to do except to speak to him about this. If you are still interested in him, then ask him why he never mentioned her before, and if he feels he ever would have? From there on in, it's really down to you to decide if you feel he's being honest and above board.

[lorr]

Thank you for replying! Sorry to be venting like this,but since finding out I definetly do not want anything more to do with him. His text and email caught me off guard, and I feel really let down that anyone in their right mind would keep this a secret for so long. To me this feels worse than I ever imagined. Why do some people think its ok to hide and keep secrets from whomever they go out with?

 

Does this still constitute as cheating?

 

Has anyone on LS ever been in the same or similar situation with a partner,who were secretive and lied during the relationship?

How was this dealt with?

 

I would really like to hear peoples stories!

 

[littlekitty]

You're welcome! It's always worth *bumping* your post if you don't receive a response.

 

I don't understand this secrecy either. There shouldn't be secrecy in a relationship, it should be open and honest.

 

I don't know that I'd consider this cheating. I certainly think he lied to you for a very long time. To me, the reason he kept this to himself for so long was because he felt guilty about this in some way.

 

I've not dealt with this myself though.

[stillafool]

To be honest with you I think you should have asked your boyfriend about it before you broke up with him. If he is 'best friends' with this girl and godfather to her baby ask to meet them and see what his response is. If you do call him back please try to stay calm and not get angry. Write down the questions you want to know before you call him. Make sure you get all the information you need before you make your decision.

 

If you are the type who does "jump to conclusions" a lot, work on that as it can be a total turn off to a guy.

[BlueEyedSarah]

I agree with stillafool, you should have asked him about it instead of jump to conclusions.

Not everyone tells their relationships their whole 'life story' to them, sometimes that person preferes to be asked rather than telling. If you don't ask then they stay hush hush.

It sounds like your relationship needs more communication involved.

[lorr]

Yes I agree that I should have confronted him about this.The only thing is,is that I always seem to get these little surprises from him. This has not been the first time that he has hidden things from me before. There was a time when he was in contact with his ex-girlfriend without my knowledege,and the only time I found out was when I received an email from her. I confronted him about this,and then he admits a few weeks after, that whilst he was out and about, she came up to him, and confessed that she wanted him back. I admit that I dumped him then also,did NC, but he would phone and text,when he did not hear from me, and then he would straight out tell me that he was going to change and make more of an effort to put my mind at ease. I would feel so bad that I would end up taking him back.

 

I am just so fed-up and tired of the constant need to hide and be secretive towards me.Especially when I am telling him that there is no need for it.

 

I am a very down to earth, and I am an easy person to get on with,and when he does these things,I am slowly starting to dislike the person that I am becoming. I am starting to feel like an insecure and jealous person, and I was never like this in previous relationships.

I find that I am jumping to conclusions alot, even when he is in the right and when he is in the wrong, and I feel like a whiny and moany old woman.

 

Now although this has come to light now and it is all innocent, I feel like the "wicked witch", and I am starting to doubt myself. I don't want him back, but I'm wondering that even if I phone him to get everything off my chest, whether he's going to accept the things that have bugged me in the relationship, or whether I am just wasting my time, and should just resume NC, and permanently.

 

[BlueEyedSarah]

Yes I agree that I should have confronted him about this.The only thing is,is that I always seem to get these little surprises from him. This has not been the first time that he has hidden things from me before. There was a time when he was in contact with his ex-girlfriend without my knowledege,and the only time I found out was when I received an email from her. I confronted him about this,and then he admits a few weeks after, that whilst he was out and about, she came up to him, and confessed that she wanted him back. I admit that I dumped him then also,did NC, but he would phone and text,when he did not hear from me, and then he would straight out tell me that he was going to change and make more of an effort to put my mind at ease. I would feel so bad that I would end up taking him back.

By the sounds of it he has no feelings for her and wanted to get back with you... Nothing to be jelaous over. If she cant get over him and still has feelings for him and he doesnt it still shows he wont do anything with her... They broke up for a reason!

 

I am just so fed-up and tired of the constant need to hide and be secretive towards me.Especially when I am telling him that there is no need for it.

He sounds like he is finding it hard to comunicate with you because you are demanding to know EVERYTHING, he may just forget to tell you certain things... like about he's ex...its not important to him because he has NO feelings for her so he thinks its not worth bringing up. He doesnt think of how it would effect you to find out he talks to he's ex every once in a while...or he's ex talks to him every once in a while. It sounds more like he's ex girlfriend is getting in contact with him instead of him get in contact with her and he is just being polite by responding back rather than ignoring.

 

I am a very down to earth, and I am an easy person to get on with,and when he does these things,I am slowly starting to dislike the person that I am becoming. I am starting to feel like an insecure and jealous person

That is because you ARE becomming jealous and insecure. Maybe that is because in pervious relationships they have told you everything and open about everything, but now your with a guy who seems to be like, if it is not important to him then it is not worth mentioning. Not all relationships will be the same because all guys are diffrent.

 

 

I find that I am jumping to conclusions alot, even when he is in the right and when he is in the wrong, and I feel like a whiny and moany old woman.

Then just sit back and let these things roll off your sholder. ASK him instead of assume and/or jump to conclusions.

 

Now although this has come to light now and it is all innocent, I feel like the "wicked witch", and I am starting to doubt myself. I don't want him back, but I'm wondering that even if I phone him to get everything off my chest, whether he's going to accept the things that have bugged me in the relationship, or whether I am just wasting my time, and should just resume NC, and permanently.

I think you should phone him, explain why you acted the way you did, realise you were in the wrong, get everything off your chest and then it will be up to him to forgive you. I don't think he deserves to be ignored with no connection because I don't see how he did anything wrong when you were the one who jumped to conclusion with dumping him before asking for the true story from him.

[whichwayisup]

I have known him for 3 years, and went out with him for 2years, and he has never mentioned her whatsoever

 

Then ask him about this. Find out why for 3 years (or the 2 you were with him as his girlfriend) he did not mention her. To be a child's godparent is a big thing!

 

It seems though he has abit of a history of hiding things and people from you (maybe out of fear that you will get upset/jealous) so he keeps it quiet as it's easier to not to say anything...And it's possible in his mind it's not a big deal. I don't know.

 

I do think you both need to talk, just to clear the air, understand eachother. This way stuff is out in the open and TOGETHER you both can decide to fix things between you or break up.

 

I also have mention this, stop communicating through emails and text messaging!!! Either talk in person or on the phone. After 2 years in a relationship both of you should be past solving problems online. Keep it offline.

[lorr]

Again some valid points that I am taking on board. I admit that this was not the way to go about things, and I will talk to him later on to get things off my chest.

 

Just to explain better, that I didn't expect him to tell me everything single thing that went on in his life.

But to exchange flirty messages, and then plan to hook up with a woman on myspace ,which I thought was bizarre, and then to finally confess that this was his friend for 12 years, and that he is the godfather to her child, is something that I am finding a bit strange that he did not bring up in the 3 years that I have known him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[whichwayisup]

Tell him exactly what you said here. That you're having trouble understanding why he hiding stuff and THAT is why it's upsetting/pissing you off.

I mean, if this woman friend has a child and they've known eachother for so many years, why can't you be part of that too? I have male friends I've known since I was a baby and grew up with. My husband knows ALL of them and on occasion HE ends up going out with my male buddies without me. Who knows? You and this woman could become very good friends - Be a part of eachothers lives, and her child's life...

 

Do you love him and want him as your boyfriend? If so, then work together to make things work.

[blind_otter]

I agree that it's strange and I disagree with the posters who think it's OK to hide certain things, like friendships with the opposite sex, from your partner. Everything should be out in the open, none of this subterfuge and spy vs. spy ****.

[lorr]

Thank you for your replies! I am going to be phoning him a bit later, and I am a nervous wreck.

 

All I can do is apologise to him, for reacting the way I did without finding out his side of the story.

 

Because we have had problems like this before,I can only be straight up and honest and let him know that it would be better to end things once and for all.

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree that it's strange and I disagree with the posters who think it's OK to hide certain things, like friendships with the opposite sex, from your partner. Everything should be out in the open, none of this subterfuge and spy vs. spy ****.

 

I also agree with many of the other posters, nothing should be hidden in a serious relationship. To me the standoffish attitude he has is more like a defense mechanism, I don't think that defines someone who is respecting and loving. Think about it, if the tables were turned and you just happend not to tell him about your close relationship with another male, he get's upset and starts questioning you, what are you going to do? I tell you what I would do... I would do everything in my power to comfort my S/O including introduction to this other person. Again, if there is nothing to hide, then why hide it? To me it seems like there is a possiblity of more than just what he's telling you, but nothing is certain.

 

When there is any kind of secrecy in a relationship, it always turns out this way.

 

Regards,

[norajane]

Some guys compartmentalize parts of their lives, and it doesn't necessarily occur to them that a gf would care to know about some of the things they compartmentalize.

 

Does your bf keep a lot of things to himself, or just other-women kind of things? Do you hear lots of family stories, or stories about things he and his old friends did together? Do you hear about other people in his life?

 

If you don't, then it just may be his personality to keep things to himself and it has nothing to do with hiding things from you. But if he's open about everything and everyone else in his life, and keeps only other women information away from you, then it's more likely that you need to take this seriously and personally.

[pennyjosix]

Some earlier said that not everyone tells their SO their whole life stories. For example, I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, but we've been best friends for over 3 years now. Growing up I was babysat by a woman named Louise, and I have always been very close to her. She was like my grandmother. I guess there was never an oppurtunity for me to tell him about her because I never mentioned her. When she died not too long ago I was extremely upset and emotional. He did not understand because he had never heard of her. I wasn't keeping it a secret; it just never came up.

[Rooster_DAR]

Some earlier said that not everyone tells their SO their whole life stories. For example, I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, but we've been best friends for over 3 years now. Growing up I was babysat by a woman named Louise, and I have always been very close to her. She was like my grandmother. I guess there was never an oppurtunity for me to tell him about her because I never mentioned her. When she died not too long ago I was extremely upset and emotional. He did not understand because he had never heard of her. I wasn't keeping it a secret; it just never came up.

 

This is the grey area I mentioned on another post. Were talking more on the lines of day to day people we may interact with on an emotional level. I do find it strange that you never mentioned this woman to your S/O being you were close to her. I would think during conversations in that time she would have at least been mentined.

 

Regards,

[pennyjosix]

When she passed away I was even amazed that it never came up. I thought surely I had mentioned her at some point or another, but I couldn't remember and he said I hadn't. So it is possible. Also, he lives 600 miles from me so he doesn't know a lot about my day to day life unless it comes up in conversation.

 

*Shrugs*

[blind_otter]

When she passed away I was even amazed that it never came up. I thought surely I had mentioned her at some point or another, but I couldn't remember and he said I hadn't. So it is possible. Also, he lives 600 miles from me so he doesn't know a lot about my day to day life unless it comes up in conversation.

 

*Shrugs*

 

This isn't the same thing as having a close, emotionally intimate relationship with a person of the opposite sex, and hiding that from your partner. That seems a bit odd. To me anyways. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I feel that at least with those types of interactions disclosure is necessary to avoid situations like the OP's.

[Rooster_DAR]

When she passed away I was even amazed that it never came up. I thought surely I had mentioned her at some point or another, but I couldn't remember and he said I hadn't. So it is possible. Also, he lives 600 miles from me so he doesn't know a lot about my day to day life unless it comes up in conversation.

 

*Shrugs*

 

Ahh...LDR that explains it.

 

[pennyjosix]

it's long distance but i've been talking to this boy and seeing him regularly for over 3 years now so i dont really feel like its ldr much.. i handle the distance pretty well.. im just saying it can happen

[lorr]

Hey everyone thanks once again for all your replies. I called him a few days ago, to sort this all out. First of all I apologised to him for jumping to conclusions, and admitted that I should have spoken to him first, rather then sending off the fiery email.I then got everything of my chest, and tried to show him that if the shoe was on the other foot and he found out that I was conversing and sending flirty messages to a guy that he knew nothing about, that I was hooking up with him every 4 months during the time in our relationship, and that I was the God mother of his child, he would be pretty pissed.

 

As I gathered he did not say much on this, and just pretty much kept quiet, whilst I was talking. Anyway I decided to be the bigger person, and expressed that I did not hate him, and that I did not want to leave the relationship on a sour note. I then said that it was over, and I wished him all the best for the future.

 

I have since been in NC, and I have been going out with my friends and basically trying to get my life back on track.

 

I agree with some on here that not everyone is an open book, but I am a person who is always open and honest, and I would not feel comfortable going out with a guy who hides everything. Even something like this.

 

He's had problems in past relationships where all his girlfriends have hid information and cheated on him,I'm starting to think, that this maybe the reason why he is the way that he is.These are issues that he needs to sort out on his own, before he gets into another relationship with another woman in the near future, as it will just be one vicious cycle.