Two Kinds of Cheaters

[StayClose]

From reading this board, I've come the conclusion that there are two distinct kinds of cheaters:

 

1) The pig. These poeple don't respect their releationships and will cheat whenever the opportunity presents itself, right from the early stages of a relationship.

 

2) The lonely spouse. These folks have been in monogamous relationships for many years, but have emotional needs that aren't being met insode the rleationship for whatever reason. This group feels that cheating is wrong, have tried expressing their needs with their spouse but to no avail. When they do cheat, don't feel good about it, although they do feel better that needsnot met by their spouuse are being met by their OM or OW.

 

Is this correct?

 

I've read messages here by people in the 2) group. Will anyone admit to being in the 1) group?

[SmoochieFace]

From reading this board, I've come the conclusion that there are two distinct kinds of cheaters:

 

1) The pig. These poeple don't respect their releationships and will cheat whenever the opportunity presents itself, right from the early stages of a relationship.

 

2) The lonely spouse. These folks have been in monogamous relationships for many years, but have emotional needs that aren't being met insode the rleationship for whatever reason. This group feels that cheating is wrong, have tried expressing their needs with their spouse but to no avail. When they do cheat, don't feel good about it, although they do feel better that needsnot met by their spouuse are being met by their OM or OW.

 

Is this correct?

 

I've read messages here by people in the 2) group. Will anyone admit to being in the 1) group?

 

I agree.

 

And I'll bet a year's worth of mortgage payments that men figure prominently in Group One whereas women are mainly in Group Two.

[StayClose]

That's not the impression I get from reading the messages here. If you read the marriage section in the "not enough sex" threads, there are lots of messages from men in the number 2 group. But I'm not sure I've seen a message from anyone describing themselves as 1).

 

I''ll bet they're here but they don't say they're married

[Madeamistake]

I rate that the people in group one would not even bother posting on the site. They are too buisy running around and playing games! Why would a 'pig' share his/her story of repentance and remorse or try to seek guidance on how to become the right person after they have fallen off the wagon of monogamy?

[lindya]

Why would a 'pig' share his/her story of repentance and remorse or try to seek guidance on how to become the right person after they have fallen off the wagon of monogamy?

 

 

I think a lot of people really don't spend very much time thinking about where they stand ethically. They just do what feels good at the time, and the regrets don't kick in until later on...ie when some painful consequences of their actions start to set in.

[Madeamistake]

I think a lot of people really don't spend very much time thinking about where they stand ethically. They just do what feels good at the time, and the regrets don't kick in until later on...ie when some painful consequences of their actions start to set in.

 

True!

 

Its kind of wierd. Sometimes I wish I had no regrets but I do. Mine are to do with communication. Men dont communicate what they feel very well, some people could say it is the way that we were created. I dont think so, I think its the way we have been brought up to think. People say men should not cry, men should not be emotional or express what they feel. But what I am going through is also two prong cause when I did express how I felt, she did not listen a lot of the times... leaves me to ponder on a lot of things. Sometimes life has many questions, most of them we will never answer. I know I'm going of tangent a bit here, but what defines one's destiny? Is it the choices we make and how we deal with the problems that we encounter in life?

 

Just a thought!

[SueBee3490]

Stayclose -

 

Thanks for posting this - I've noticed the same as you in reading many posts here, there seems to be 2 "types" of cheaters.

 

My H fits into group #1 - at least I believe so. I would read post after post where many would say they cheat because of noncommunication, no sex, etc. and I just couldn't figure out why my H cheated. We did alot together and seemed happy. He would tell me I was the best thing that happened to him, etc. I finally came to the conclusion that he cheated because he could. It had nothing to do with me, not that I wasn't listening to him or not having sex with him - it's just that he's a pig. He seems to have suddenly acquired feelings now in that I want a divorce. He seems remorseful and is trying to hold onto me but it's too little too late. Funny that those feelings or conscience didn't kick in when he was cheating - it's just now that he figures he's going to lose me.

 

I am also scared in staying with this type of person as there doesn't seem to be any "reason" as to why he/she cheats. At least if he was in group #2 and regretful in that he honestly loved me but I wasn't listening to him or what he felt was wrong in the relationship - then we could work on saving it. But in my situation, his cheating was more a definition of his character instead of a definition of where the relationship stood.

[Walk]

Group 1 won't reply. They are so far in denial that they have a million and one excuses for why they cheated adn none of them were their fault.

 

There's one poster I'm thinking of that said she "accidently" had sex with another guy while in a serious relationship. She had so many reasons for why it wasn't her fault. Blamed it on alcohol, on the other guy, on her bf.... If she wasn't at fault, then she didn't cheat, because she didn't have any say in the matter... at least from her view point. So she wouldnt' think she was a number 1 because, A.) she didn't cheat in her mind, and B.) she's not a pig because it wasn't her fault.

 

Re-phrase the question though, and I think you'd see them crawling out of the wood work. Like.. how many people had sex with someone else while in a relationship but realized it wasn't your fault? Those in group 2 will immediately post that it was their fault and they at least have a strong grasp on the role they played. Those in group one will be happy for a thread that removes what tiny guilt is playing on them, and get to "shine" about how they were used and abused and it wasn't their fault that something so bad happened to them.

 

But the way your groupings read, it automatically judges the people in group one as "pigs" and no one in their right mind is going to respond to that with any real openness or desire to discuss their mindset or thoughts.

[stillafool]

Stayclose -

 

Thanks for posting this - I've noticed the same as you in reading many posts here, there seems to be 2 "types" of cheaters.

 

My H fits into group #1 - at least I believe so. I would read post after post where many would say they cheat because of noncommunication, no sex, etc. and I just couldn't figure out why my H cheated. We did alot together and seemed happy. He would tell me I was the best thing that happened to him, etc. I finally came to the conclusion that he cheated because he could. It had nothing to do with me, not that I wasn't listening to him or not having sex with him - it's just that he's a pig. He seems to have suddenly acquired feelings now in that I want a divorce. He seems remorseful and is trying to hold onto me but it's too little too late. Funny that those feelings or conscience didn't kick in when he was cheating - it's just now that he figures he's going to lose me.

 

I am also scared in staying with this type of person as there doesn't seem to be any "reason" as to why he/she cheats. At least if he was in group #2 and regretful in that he honestly loved me but I wasn't listening to him or what he felt was wrong in the relationship - then we could work on saving it. But in my situation, his cheating was more a definition of his character instead of a definition of where the relationship stood.

 

SueBee I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. I admire you for getting out and I'm sure your husband will try anything to hold on to you now that you're going. It's never as much fun for them when they have the freedom to do as they wish. Cheating gives him a high and you've taken that away.

[StayClose]

Group 1 won't reply. They are so far in denial that they have a million and one excuses for why they cheated adn none of them were their fault.

...

But the way your groupings read, it automatically judges the people in group one as "pigs" and no one in their right mind is going to respond to that with any real openness or desire to discuss their mindset or thoughts.

 

OK, I'll re-define group one as people who will have sex with anyone they find sexually appealing at any opportunity, regardless of agreements made to an SO, pretty much from the start of a relationship.

 

Has anyone reading this been in that catagory?

[SueBee3490]

SueBee I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. I admire you for getting out and I'm sure your husband will try anything to hold on to you now that you're going. It's never as much fun for them when they have the freedom to do as they wish. Cheating gives him a high and you've taken that away.

 

Hi Still,

Thanks for your kind comments. I'm so glad that Stayclose posted this. I really was so confused in that the more posts I read from cheaters/cheatees, it just seems there was something "obviously" missing in the relationship. As I stated above, either no sex, no communication, etc. I felt like a fool in that I couldn't figure out what he felt was missing. He NEVER expressed to me that he felt I didn't listen to him, etc.

 

I did, a few times, ask him if he wanted to break up - because ours was a long-distance relationship and he had more opportunities to drive to see me than I could drive to see him. I felt bad in that I didn't want him to feel that he was "stuck" with me and since my 3 kids' father passed away, I couldn't leave and go for weekends away to his homestate. Nobody to watch my kids. He always reassured me that he loved me and didn't mind driving to see me - that he didn't want to break up. Of course he didn't, I was the best thing that happened to him. I did see profiles and even knew a littlebackground on each of his so-called lovers - and they're all mentally unbalanced.

 

Yes he seems sorry now that I'm leaving but why? I told him now he's free to date all the married/attached women he wants - he'd better hope their husbands/boyfriends don't find out and beat the s**t out of him. He says he won't date again - just use prostitutes. I told him he's a real good role model for his 18 yr old daughter - by just using women - he's showing her she's just a piece of meat to men. I'm so glad I've got morals and can pass them on to my kids. I would never want them to think I just "use" men for sex without any feelings involved.

[vanessabg]

From reading this board, I've come the conclusion that there are two distinct kinds of cheaters:

 

1) The pig. These poeple don't respect their releationships and will cheat whenever the opportunity presents itself, right from the early stages of a relationship.

 

2) The lonely spouse. These folks have been in monogamous relationships for many years, but have emotional needs that aren't being met insode the rleationship for whatever reason. This group feels that cheating is wrong, have tried expressing their needs with their spouse but to no avail. When they do cheat, don't feel good about it, although they do feel better that needsnot met by their spouuse are being met by their OM or OW.

 

Is this correct?

 

I've read messages here by people in the 2) group. Will anyone admit to being in the 1) group?

I am agree with you,there are two types of cheaters,men are involved mostly in first group where as women involved in group second.

[Bud Hopkins]

I think it's simpler. I think there is one type of cheater. The one who has the opportunity to cheat.