Balancing Family during the holidays...

[georgejungle]

In Short here’s the scenario: (my mom and dad are divorced) During the holidays, Dad wants me and my wife to visit my grandmother (his mom) with him. My Mom would also like to see us and have us visit them. And then there are my Wife’s parents who would like to see us. A joint meeting of the families is out of the question and we don’t have a place big enough to accommodate them all anyway. They don't all hate each other, but it's more that each family wants us all to themselves for the holiday. Some live a hour away, some live 3 hours away.

What do you do in this situation without hurting anyone’s feelings??? We can’t be everywhere at once

[My Fair Katie]

This is what I've done in the past:

 

1. Our first Christmas together I had the brigt idea to have the whole famn damily over to our teensie tiny apartment. My parents brought an extra guest (my grandmother) who was not invited ("she thought she was coming we couldn't tell her no," the woman has alzheimers, she'll forget she didn't come--just tell her she did and had a fun time).

 

This was MISERABLE. I don't like having a lot of house guests and I especially hated having over night guests at that small place.

 

2. Our second Christmas together (and my favorite): Just us. Christmas Eve we watched a movie curled up with our dog on the sofa. We went to bed (and frolicked and played the eskimo way) and woke up early. I turned on the tree lights and My Fair Husband poured OJ. Then we put some cinammon rolls in the oven.

 

We opened presents while snacking on rolls. We cleaned up our mess and I threw a pot roast into the crock pot (why have a big ham or turkey for two people?). We lounged around in our PJs listening to carols and playing with our loot before frolicking and playing some more.

 

3. Our third Christmas together: We had a house. Both sets of family could come to visit but only my parents could make it. Again HATED it. I missed the intimacy of the previous year's Christmas. I hate the stress of guests at the holidays. Especially family. Cause let's face it, I really don't care for mine.

 

Anyway, this year it's just us and the mutts again. I'm VERY excited. We'll cuddle in front of the fire and just have a nice time, just the two of us. I like this tradition. We will visit the family on the weekends before/after the holidays but no more will we have forced togetherness ON Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Nope, those days are now for immediate family only. It's the best gift we've ever given ourselves.

 

Will some relatives get their noses bent out of shape? Sure, but they can't accuse you of being unfair and putting one relative ahead of the other (my mother pitched a FIT when we told her we wouldn't be spending Christmas Day with her "What, I'm not good enough to rate the actual day?" but it was still worth it in the end).

[georgejungle]

I would LOVE Christmas on our own, just me

and my wife. That'd be the ultimate. I actually can't wait to

have kids so we can have our OWN Christmas together with

our own little family and if our parents want to come over

once we have a house, cool. But Until then, we'll just have to

do what we can.

 

 

 

We will visit the family on the weekends before/after the holidays but no more will we have forced togetherness ON Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

This Rules!!! this is the way it should be.

 

Will some relatives get their noses bent out of shape? Sure, but they can't accuse you of being unfair and putting one relative ahead of the other

But Yeah, Noses DO get bent out of shape, mainly my mom's.

And she'll deny it, but in subtle ways try and make me feel bad

for it play the guilt trip game. But you're so right. We can only do what

we can. They can't accuse us of anything, we're doing the best we can with their's and our schedules. My mom is making a big stink because this is the

first X-MAs we'll actually see each other ON CHRISTMAS, since she moved a state away for fun, but is now back.

 

 

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS.

[My Fair Katie]

But Yeah, Noses DO get bent out of shape, mainly my mom's.

And she'll deny it, but in subtle ways try and make me feel bad

for it play the guilt trip game. But you're so right. We can only do what

we can. They can't accuse us of anything, we're doing the best we can with their's and our schedules. My mom is making a big stink because this is the

first X-MAs we'll actually see each other ON CHRISTMAS, since she moved a state away for fun, but is now back.

 

 

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS.

 

You're very welcomed. I learned very quickly that when I am d*mned if I do and d*mned if I don't, well then I might as well "don't" and enjoy it!

 

So long as you can't please everybody you may as well have fun pleasing yourself and the wife.

 

P.S. We don't have kids, they aren't a prerequesite for having your own family traditions.

[georgejungle]

P.S. We don't have kids, they aren't a prerequesite for having your own family traditions.

I know and you're right. Having Kids shouldn't dictate family traditions.

It's just that in my case, I come from an old skool family belief system

that says "Call your mother", respect your elders in the family, go out of your way to help grandma and grandpa and be put on a pedestal, or be

talked **** about, since you obviouslt don't care about the family.

I'm exaggerating a tad, but that's how it is.

 

So I admire your situation where it's all about the two of you. I want

that too, it's just hard to dodge the family without having a small selfish

feeling that'll make me feel bad, i end up wanting to try and please

all parties involved. But i'm trying.

[nancyleeh]

I have 4 married kids and am divorced from their father so I sure can relate to what your saying but in my case, I'm the Mom. After many hectic years of all the parents clammering for the kids to spend the holidays together, my kids decided to take turns with holidays. For example one year they visit Dad, the next me (Mom), the next their spouse's parents and some times they stay home. So they do a round robin. They also alternate the other holidays. Let the parents know you are taking charge and making a schedule and let them know which holiday you will visit with them and rotate the schedule each year. That way they know what to expect. Also include some holiday time with just your wife or with friends. Once they understand that you are taking charge of your holiday visits, the guilt trips most likely will tapper off. Another thing my kids try to do during the holiday time is spend time with alternate parents either before or after the holiday. That can be worked into the schedule too. It may sound like a strict idea but believe me it's better than family members feeling slighted or demanding visits that kids can not make. Hope that helps. Best wishes.

 

nancyleeh